(ftm stories) Perhaps a strange request?

[soaringPhoenix]

Hello!
I'm Phoenix, a 15 year old pre everything chubby trans boy with an unaccepting family and no real support networks outside of the Internet. I'm also autistic and taking antidepressants. I haven't self harmed for about a month, so that's going well :/ My family won't get me a binder, and because I have a larger body my chest causes a lot of dysphoria.
I'm feeling kinda hopeless at the moment, I don't really see a way out of this trap of my transphobic family. I am classed as a vulnerable child, so I have to stay with my family until I turn 16. I know that's only a year, but it still hurts.

What I wanted was for any older trans men to share motivational ideas and stories so I can see that it really does get better, and this bad situation is temporary. Thank you so much.


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[RomeoEcho]

Hi Phoenix, I'm Hunter, a 31 year old autistic trans man. Life does get better. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that everything magically gets better and your pain goes away. But it is definitely better. I currently live 7,000 miles from "home" and my transphobic and abusive family. I'm living mostly as a man here (I haven't transitioned at work due to a very complicated situation there.) Most people believe I am cis-male without surgery or T. I have solid job and career. I have a partner who supports me. I've lost more than 50 lbs since my heaviest, and despite the hard work and the fact that I am still overweight, it's much easier to do pretty much everything. I haven't had surgery, but I bind and it does make me more comfortable.

I wish I knew what to say that might get you through this, because I remember how dark that place was. But I guess the thing I want you to know most is that you are not alone. You are stronger than you think, and you can get through today. And one day at a time you will get through this year, and the next one. And over time, things will get better, slowly, but surely.

[FTMDiaries]

(Warning: long reply is long)

Hi, and welcome to our huge family!

I don't believe we've met yet... so here's a quick potted history: I'm a 43-year-old Sassenach who started transitioning at age 40, after having married & had kids. I've had gender dysphoria since 1976, and I realised I was trans in 1990 but the surgical options back then were so dire that I forced myself back into the closet and tried to live my life as best as I could until the dam finally burst a couple of years ago. As you can see from my tickers, I've been on T for a while & I've had top surgery with Mr Yelland in Brighton. I'm also on the autism spectrum (Asperger's), and I grew up with an incredibly abusive, neglectful family.

Yes, it hurts incredibly to be stuck with an unaccepting family. When I was 15 I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel: as far as I was concerned, there was no light. But just a few years later I moved out of home and started living my life the way I wanted to at the time. Whenever things feel hopeless, just remember that it's only a short time until you can stand on your own two feet. I can tell you that life as a 15-year-old is very different to life as a 20-year-old, which is very different to a 25-year-old. Do you honestly believe that you'll give a hoot what your mother says when you're 25? Of course not. Very soon, your folks won't have any say in your life.

I see you've mentioned elsewhere that you're Scottish which means you're likely to go to the Sandyford in Glasgow. The good news is that they can give you testosterone from age 16 and they can also put you on hormone blockers if those are required. Also, from age 16 you have the right to consent to (or refuse) medical treatment without your parents' knowledge or permission. So very soon, you'll be able to attend a GIC without your family even knowing about it, if that would help.

You can refer yourself to the Sandyford (you don't even need to see your GP first): just ring them on 0141 211 8137, tell them your age and ask for a first appointment. They have a youth service, although they generally want your parents to be involved if you're under 16 - so explain to them that your family is unsupportive and ask if they can keep things confidential. Worst case scenario would be that they'd ask you to wait until you're 16, but that's just around the corner, isn't it? If you're not in Glasgow, you can claim for the cost of travelling to the clinic. You need all the support you can get: presuming you're still in school, do you have a school counsellor you can talk to? Does your school have an LGBT society you could join? Are there any LGBT youth groups in your area?

It sucks that your family won't buy you a binder, but there are schemes where you can get them. Have you tried MORF? They send free binders to trans masculine people in the UK - all you have to do is pay postage, which is a couple of quid. Or if you get pocket money or birthday/Xmas money, you can save it up & buy one for yourself. You could also try to run errands, or do odd jobs in your neighbourhood to earn a bit of cash. Failing that, once you're 16 you can move out & claim benefits - and you can buy a binder with those. So you will get one, even if not right now.

In the meantime, there are other things you can do. You describe yourself as chubby: well, if that's bothering you, you can always eat more healthily by cutting out any junk food and snacks. You can do more exercise free of charge by walking around your neighbourhood, or going up & down stairs at home or in shopping centres. You can do some basic weight training by filling shopping bags with tins of food & lifting them. You can do resistance training at home in your bedroom using nothing but your body weight. Not only will this help you feel better about yourself, but it should also reduce your need for antidepressants... and it will give you better results should you choose to have top surgery.

The best thing to do is to pick one goal at a time and put all your energies into working towards it. If you're autistic, that's a very natural thing to do. So why not pick something like the Sandyford, or a specific goal weight, and do everything in your power to get yourself psyched and ready for your first appointment there?

And try to ignore your mum & her girlfriend as much as possible. They're probably going to say some horrible TERFy things over the coming months; if they do, try not to let them get to you. Look up the stages of grief, and you'll see your mother go through them all because although she's not losing you, she's grieving for the loss of her idea of having a daughter - a loss that she's probably feeling more acutely because of her radfem ideas. It's early days and it can take our families quite a long time to come round, but they usually do. If they get abusive (including emotionally or mentally abusive), contact ChildLine - they'll help you up to age 19 and you can contact them online if you struggle with phones. We're also here to help if you need us.

See? It's not hopeless. You can get there, and you will get there. You're just in a temporary rut at the moment, but that will change. My life has improved enormously since I started transitioning, and my only regret is that I wasn't able to do it sooner.

Also, congrats on not self-harming for a month.

[anibioman]

Hi parker here. 20 years old went through some tough times. Came out at 15 high school was tough. I'm now in my second year of college and learning that life's not perfect but great. I love what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with. I've got some really great people in my life right now.

[sam1234]

Phoenix,
I think most transgenders, be they f to Ms or M to Fs, have at some point gone through difficult times.
I'm a 52 year old F to M and didn't even realize that changing was possible until I was almost 26. All I knew was that I was ashamed of my body, and behaved male. Life prior to twenty six was horrible. I made a few attempts early on to blend in with the females, because I didn't think there was another option, but if you can imagine someone walking, talking and sitting like a male while wearing a skirt, you can figure out why that didn't go over so well.

I was severely depressed, couldn't hold a job for a long time, had colitis at the sixth grade level from stress etc. The only reason I came out to my parents was that I had found out that changing your gender was possible. At that point, It was acceptance or end it. Fortunately my parents accepted it.
At this point, I'm not going to go into gross details of the first twenty six years for fear that it may be a trigger to others on the forum.

There is hope for you. No matter who you are, where you are or what kind of support you have, its never going to be easy. If your parents are willing to see a specialist who will council them about transgenders, why they occur and how much more productive they are once allowed to be who they really are, that would be good. Though my parents accepted my coming out, going to see someone who could explain things technically to them seemed to help them a lot. We had already been down the road of trying things and failing at them and I'm sure they thought this was just one more.

What I will tell you is to stay in therapy long after you change. Issues will come up that you can't conceive of now or think you know how to handle, but in truth, you can never fully prepare. You mentioned self harm, so that may slow things a bit for you, but make sure your therapist knows about it. Prior to starting HRT, I had a 7 hours interview with a psychologist out of state. She preferred to do it in pieces, but couldn't because of the distance. There was a lot I didn't tell her that she should have known and could have saved me later pain and grief. I can imagine that right now, you are chomping at the bit, wanting to get started as soon as possible. You are young and have plenty of time, and will be much happier in the long run if you stay with therapy.

If you had not revealed the fact that you are autistic, I would not have known. I do know there are varying types and severities of autism, but that doesn't mean you can't have your gender changed. Be yourself and don't let anyone bully you into thinking that being a transgender is a sin or other such nonsense. I'm sure you can do it.

sam1234

[Aazhie]

Phoenix I am a little envious of your self awareness!  I did not even accept my transgender status until I was.. 25 or so?  It is a difficult process to know yourself and it's amazing that you have an inkling of your true self. 

I started T about 2-3 years ago and just recently attended my first transgender support group.  I feel like you are light years ahead of where I was at your age.  I was just usually pretty down most of the time and enjoyed escaping with books and art as much as possible. I still read and paint a TON and I am glad that i am still able to enjoy a lot of the things I used to, but with a more experienced perspective.

  Just know that even if you were not chubby, trans and autistic, being a teen would STILL suck!  The most well adjusted, happy, cis and priviledged (not entitled, just people who had it easy and know it) folk I know pretty much unanimously hated middle school and most if not all of high school.  It's a rough time of your life and I recommend you do what you can to become an interesting person while you have free time. 

Reading, pursuing your interests and try to not get discouraged. I was not a great artist then,but I still drew everyday.  I played musical instruments and absorbed just about any sci-fi I could read.  I learned to cook and my parents had to harass me into being a functioning adult by having me get a driver's permit and help with all the household chore.  It's boring and lame, BUT if you are a neat and clean person who is responsible for yourself, you will have an easier time finding a good roommate when you want to move out.  Training yourself into good habits like studying and taking care of yourself will help you so much in the future.  I also think, if your parents see you doing stuff for yourself and helping when you can, they MIGHT (a big might here!) consider that you aren't just going through a phase.  I know not everyone's family is well adjusted, so forgive me if I assume anything.

There are some awesome fantasy and sci fi books out there that you may be able to relate to in regards to gender. I had a really mature view of odd subjects from all the authors I'd read who liked to flip the status quo in stories. There are many queer friendly writers out there too.  I personally hated sports and team exercising, but if you are able to, it might be good to try to get into exercise habits too!  I always loved hiking and I think that is the only thing that keeps me from having to work out pre surgery.  I should still work out, but... staying in shape can be easier if you are able to get into good habits now.  It's hard when you are expected to be under your parent's rules, but keeping busy with what you can, when you can is extremely helpful   Do your best for the sake of doing your best and know that all of us have to mess up a lot to get things right.  You can't do much to change a negative situation, but you can see it differently, see it as an endurance test, a chance to figure other things out while you wait. You can always be doing something now to make your future better, and it does not have to be big things!  Baby steps and small projects, research and chores.

IT WILL GET BETTER, just stay safe, keep busy and work hard. Life is rough for everyone but I know many people that have been in similar places to you, they have been through hard times and probably have some more ahead of them, but they are independant now with real friends who know who they are and their life is much better than it was!