This Might sound unresonable but I have to get it off my chest

[LizK]

This has been bugging we for awhile and after reading it you may well think I am being unreasonable and selfish. I am at the point in my transition where I am waiting to see the psych to get my HRT/SRS letter. I have no idea how much longer that will take but I am being told that as many strings as possible are being pulled, to get to the psych sooner.

So after all these years I have finally acknowledged that I am Transgender/Transsexual ...I am coming to terms with this and will take a bit more time. All these years of living in the dark keeping feelings and emotions buried or altered, then suddenly I am close to a resolution of sorts.

All during this time I have suffered from Dysphoria and all the stuff that goes with that, my family/friends tell me how amazed they are at how strong I have been to keep this to myself. Great...what they fail to realise is that my pain and suffering has not stopped simply because I told them, they just know about it. So when my eldest daughter has to move back in to the family home because of boyfriend problems I understand and curb any dressing I have been doing in deference to her and her mothers feelings about seeing me "dressed". So how long will she stay...who knows but it is expected that I will not show myself "dressed" whilst either my wife or daughter are around...because "they don't want to deal with seeing me dressed"

So wether or not I am suffering any distress, doesn't matter, as long as I don't offend anyone's sensibilities by wearing a dress. Everyone is soooo full of concern for my mental health and they all know what I need to do to improve it but again I wouldn't want to offend anyone...God forbid I should want some relief from the last 50 years of grief..."he has waited all this time so he can wait a bit longer"...if I was able to continue to wait and cope then I wouldn't have bothered coming out at all.

In 2001/2002 when I was trying to work this out and where I fit in. I discovered how much I enjoyed constantly dressing and how much more than the clothes this actually meant to me, in other words I worked out that I could never get any real satisfaction out of dressing because it was a much deeper issue for me...I was exploring all this and dressing daily but at this stage my kids were still young and my wife knew nothing about my issues other than what I had told her. She of course wouldn't even read a book to gain some knowledge. She was vehemently apposed to me telling the kids anything(or them seeing me) and became more and more agitated with the situation the more I explored it. In the end I succumbed to the pressure and headed back into the closet. I made a vow to myself that when the time was right I would finish exploring this. This vow was one of the main things that kept me sane for as long as it did

So for the next 12+ years I consciously gave up trying to fix my pain so I didn't in any way hurt my family and especially my kids...12 years I struggled my way through, each one with only their welfare as my first thought and each year getting harder and harder. 12 years I went without taking care of any of my needs, 12 years of vicious nightmares and swinging bouts of depression, 12 years of putting them ahead of my own health and wellbeing.......ENOUGH!

When is it my turn? Now? have I not sacrificed enough? When can I have some peace?

The day they see and accept that behind the male façade, that they see, is a very unhappy woman struggling to enter the world.
Until they can accept the realness of the situation and stop looking at it as an abstract idea they will never see me in pain or as a woman. But they don't want to see me yet..."I should be careful", "I should take my time", "you don't want to rush these things"...how about the wait time is over!!! I am going to present to the world as a female fulltime in the very near future 12 - 24 months, sooner if possible. I will not achieve that if I am unable to express myself to my "supportive" family within the home. Part of the issue also being, as soon as any issue of importance comes up my gender issues take a back burner...I am just expected to just cope...errh Duh! if I had any coping mechanisms' that were still working I wouldn't be in the situation I am now.

I don't know why but over the last week I feel a sense of desperation creeping in to my feelings and I am not sure why. I have spent the last two days in full battle with my demons and I think I am in for a third day if the start of today is anything to go by. I just want some peace.

RANT OVER 

I have just read this over and it does appear selfish in some ways but on another level I am sure people will understand the point I am making...Just the meaningless rants of some crazy old woman?

[Dena]

Unfortunately we often put the feelings of others before our own feelings and sometimes the only way to make progress is to say enough. I am guilty of it as well and I waited until I was self supporting so when I was kicked out I could get by. Lucky for me things turned out better. In your case, you need to explain to them that you still hurt and it isn't getting any better. You have kept it in the bottle for many years for their good but it can no longer be contained and they will need to adjust to the fact. There has to be changes for your good. They would not refuse antibiotics to a person who needs them. In your case, you need to be the person you are and it's the only way you will get better.

[Samantha C]

Sarah
I share your experience of suffering, I am just able to begin my journey at 50+ and the idea of waiting longer has made me realize those left around me will have choose to love me or not.
I kept a deathbed promise to my father fifteen years ago to take care of my mother.  She passed last year and I knew she would not have been able to handle it.  I had a ponytail down to my waist and just that bothered her.  For me the time has come to draw back the shade and let the light shine on the person who I am the one the is behind the boy shaped mask. 

I hope you find a place of peace with your loved ones and they find the reasons they love you are not clothes and pronouns

Hugs. 

[Ms Grace]

I started my journey (again) at 47, I understand the time involved seems interminable but the whole thing is a waiting game. Waiting to get the letter, waiting to see an endo, waiting to get the HRT, waiting for the E to do its thing, waiting to be yourself. It can be utterly frustrating, but as the maxim goes - the older you get the faster time goes, so believe me when I say the next couple of years will happen before you know it and you'll look back on now and the time will seem like a blip and you will hopefully also be on the next leg of your life! Anyway, it's not selfish to want something for yourself. I know now one of the reasons I couldn't go ahead with my transition in my 20s was because I couldn't bring myself to tell my grandmother who I was very close to. I don't know why, but I just couldn't. Within a year of her passing away I was hellbent on transition, a pretty clear sign that I had put the "perceived" needs of someone else ahead of mine and I lost 20 years of my life as myself as a result. If only I had been more "selfish". 

[Peep]

They're going to have to 'deal' with you being dressed at some point... it's not selfish to not want to be put off and dismissed for wanting something that they take for granted.

[Deborah]

This may or may not help right now, and we all have different ways of dealing with this, but once I started HRT the obsession to dress mostly faded away..

I did start growing my hair out and that and the slow changes from HRT have helped immensely.  Now dressing mostly means a pair of women's jeans and a t-shirt that I wear around town.  Pretty much the same as everyone else is wearing.

As best I can tell through my own introspection there are two things going on.  One is that I had really high testosterone before, so getting that down removed any sexual aspect.  This has been a huge relief.  Second, I think the HRT and growing hair allows me to see myself and feel right, or at least righter. 

Dressing used to provide some relief but it always left me a little depressed since I always had to take it off and go back to being the stranger in the mirror.  Now I can begin to see myself all the time without help.

You have already begun the process.  These next few months waiting may seem like a long time but they will pass.  It does get better.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[LizK]

Wow thankyou all for your support I certainly didn't expect it...It is very much appreciated.

Deborah...I understand exactly what you are saying, for me its never been about the clothes...I think it is more about expressing myself and the attitude of "don't want to deal with you in a dress". I'm not sure if that is the attitude but it is how it feels...it feels like I am being told "I don't want to see that femme side"

Peep ...maybe it is being dismissed that really irks me...Hmmmm

Ms Grace...always waiting...yeah...it feels like I have been in a holding pattern all my life and now I have been given the all clear to land but nobody will get off the (beeping) runway to let me.

Samantha C...I thank you for you words of encouragement and I love the way you put this: "those left around me will have choose to love me or not." It does sound a little harsh but in reality it ends up being the truth

Dena...you put that so nicely that it encapsulates a lot of what I am feeling and what I have wanted to say and even tried to say. I don't want to force anything upon anybody but I also can't hide any longer.

Once again thankyou for your responses they made me feel much better

[LizK]

Just one more thing to add and it is a perfect example of what I am talking about

I have just had a conversation with my wife that seems very relevant to my original post...she said to me that it seemed some days I was very unhappy and appeared totally absorbed by my trans issues and she felt helpless as she didn't know what to do.

So I said to her it is very difficult to help someone when you have little to no knowledge of issues. She was a bit offended by this so I asked her in what way has she educated herself about my trans issues? Reluctantly she had to admit that she hadn't but it wasn't because she didn't want to...its just...what? I haven't got around to it...isn't that the same as saying I don't want too?

Her answer is to tell me that she "better" get educated...my past experience tells me that I could have this same conversation in another 4 weeks with exactly the same outcome, that sounds very cynical I know but I made a blog post predicting that she would not read any of the material I have gotten for her some 6 weeks ago and I was unfortunately right...

Maybe the issue is more about she won't get educated because if she does then she has to accept that I am actually a woman already and need my outside to match my inside. To accept that I am a woman means she would have to change the way she saw/treated me and therefore that would be the end of the male side of me in her eyes....I understand this is difficult for her but it is no picnic for me either.


I have bought enough varied reading material to educate her fully on what exactly would help when I am having a bad day...this is why she cannot get past the "man in a dress" issue because she won't educate herself. Despite her overwhelming verbal support she is light on actions when it comes to actually "doing" anything such as getting information for herself and or reading the stuff provided. She is not a bad person just scared I think. She will stay with me but unless she gains some kind of acceptance the next 12 months are going to be very tough on her.

[JoanneB]

Another possibility may be not wanting to be an enabler.  Not wanting to be an active participant in the ultimate demise of the relationship. (Something she may be reluctant to say flat out that No Way, No How can she can remain with you if you do transition).

Time is your ally as much as it is your enemy. The real roller-coaster ride starts a few weeks after you start HRT. Between that, therapy, perhaps a support group and other things for your personal growth you will change in many ways, and not necessarily secondary sex characteristics.

My wife was essentially in the No Way, No How camp six years ago when I dropped the T-Bomb. Over time as I changed, her feelings about me and a possible future changed. She still is not thrilled, to the least, about the bumps on my chest. Yet she also talks about a future, away from from this "Village" and the village bigots, where I can go back to part-time living.

One day at a time

[LizK]

Hey Joanne

I had a follow up conversation about an hour ago and in it she admitted to me that one of the big things that concerns her is the "man in a dress" issue, she has difficulty in seeing me as anything else but male at this stage. I have once again encouraged her to post this and any of her other concerns in the SO support section and told her she is likely to get nothing but good advice.  She has said once again she will do this...I gently and I mean gently reminded her, that wether or not she does is really going to impact herself the most, as I will continue to be moving in the same direction. She understands this and has promised to start and educate herself...I am sure she will get there...might have to prod her along the way but her heart is in the right place...but she doesn't want to deal with it even though she knows she has too and I think we have all been there at some point in our lives.

[Cindy]

Hi Sarah,

You know me, have met me. I think I'm a pretty ordinary woman now a days. No one misgenders me and my journey is complete.

I've been married for 33 years and I told my wife on our first date that I was CD. She accepted that but could never accept me as a woman as I was a man. Our life changed when she became disabled and had to live in an nursing home.

I transitioned.

Yes it took me 6 months to get into the gender clinic and the long wait for HRT, the long wait for its magic. But I worked hard in that time to practice, grow and style my hair, get my facial burned off. Learn how to interact with other women. Everything we need to learn.

Finally I was living FT.

I went to the nursing home one day and she was upset. One of her carers had asked if I was Gay guy.

She was upset because she said no, my partner is a woman, not a man and why couldn't her carer see that?

So she had gone, with no prompt from me, to accept me as a woman and was utterly shocked that others didn't see that as well.

(They now do BTW!)

She asked if she could introduce me to people as her partner and not her husband. Since I had to be a man to be her husband, and I wasn't, but I was her life partner.

Acceptance takes time.

[LizK]

Thanks Cindy

Yes I do know you and I wouldn't use the word ordinary in any way to describe you, extraordinary maybe.

I hear what you are saying and I am getting on with exactly what you talk about. I have had to jump through a few hoops just to even start beard removal due to the medications and the implant I have. But I am halfway through doing this as I am still waiting on the letter from the pump manufacturer to approve the galvanic electrolysis.

I am just frustrated especially with my wife. I do need to show more patience but some days it just feels like I am always compromising my life in lieu of other peoples. It feels like even though there are now physical signs of how much I am hurting,  that really doesn't matter, as long as I don't offend anyone. 

I don't think this is really the case but I needed to blow off steam and have a vent about it. I don't l know wether my wife is actually going to follow through on the education of herself but I can't take on that responsibility for her. Sometimes she needs a few prods in the right direction to get her going.

Maybe we should do coffee again...my buy?

Sarah T