Gender transition is an incredibly complex and difficult process to take on. We often set out on our journeys without fully understanding all the consequences, good and bad. Does it really matter when the horror of living a lie becomes too much to bear?
It took me a long, long time to even recognize that I was transgender. I had no reference against which to know who I was until just a few years ago. Coming to that moment of understanding was the first real progress I'd made toward resolving my dysphoria. But, the truth was so scary I couldn't imagine what it would mean if anyone found out. I fought hard to contain the pressures within me, and to preserve what I thought was a decent, reasonably successful life.
Eventually, I could no longer cope with those voices deep in my soul that cried out for honest expression. I reluctantly began to accept that I was transgender; that I could not change the reality of it. But, what did acceptance mean for my place in the world? I struggled with that question for a couple of years until I decided to come out to my spouse. With her support I began to allow my inner woman some freedom.
That moment of self-acceptance marked the beginning of a new phase that would lead to my gender transition with no end in sight, and very little to guide me except the stories of others who've gone ahead of me. Still, the decision seemed to be right for me. It felt like a huge weight had suddenly been lifted from my shoulders, and I felt a sense of well-being that I had never experienced before.
The positive feelings that self-acceptance engendered encouraged me to go on despite all kinds of uncertainty, fears, and known obstacles. I would ask myself where is this all going to end up? Is this real, or am I living out a fantasy? What will happen to all those who depend on me for love and support?
I concluded that none of us can really know the future, it's not just those of us who transition. It really comes down to what you make of your life given the hand you are dealt. Every time I considered the risks of going forward, I'd consider the reality of going back to my old life. I couldn't do it. Returning to who I was, or pretended to be, was not an option for me. I had to manage the risks of moving on as best I could.
The question: "To what end" was constantly on my mind. And it should be. I've always been a goal oriented person. For me, it is critically important to see through the fog to what's down the road, and prepare for whatever is my destiny.
I'm past the acceptance phase of my transition as of today, and I've entered the phase in which I'm becoming myself as myself, not from the perspective of who I once was. For me the 'end' is simply waking up each morning and not thinking about gender. I'll just face each new day with the knowledge, the wisdom, the talents, the skills, and the temperament that characterize who I am not the persona I once was. Life will still be a challenge. Life will continue to throw curve balls and set traps that I will often step on, but I will face it those moments as my true self without the energy sapping efforts it takes to maintain the defenses against knowing the real me.
Let me flip the question around: To what end do you go on lying to yourself and to others about who you are? That question may be easier to answer, but is it one you, yourself, can accept? I don't think one can ever be happy if they are not true to themselves.
