Attn late bloomers 40+ question

[miya5]

Hello,
This is for all of the late bloomers in the group, i.e. 40+ late starters. I am just starting HRT and I am getting apprehensive. I have days I doubt myself and then I have days I think that all I need to do is wrap a rubber band around it and just let it fall off, I mean at my age and being transgender is anyone ever going to want me...really? I have almost no intimacy in my life and doubt I will again.  I am 46 and do not like attention being drawn to me and have social anxiety.

So back to the question, do any of you go through similar feelings?

Venting below, read at your own risk:
I get so frustrated with how my feelings change. I know deep down that I am a woman. I just fear what my life will be. My kids want me to dress for Halloween. This makes me feel rushed. No one has ever seen me dressed in a dress or an obvious female outfit. I wear female pants, polo shirts to work daily. I plan on keeping this up once my work knows that I am out. HR already knows. To be honest I just want to live without attention. I doubt that I will be desired again. All I have seen and heard is that dating as a transgender woman is very hard and dangerous. I am married to someone who has not been interested in me for years, long before she found out about me. I know that I will be filing for legal separation soon. Our kids are almost all over 18, one is 15. Two of my kids are very supportive and even bought me some makeup.  I have very little experience with makeup since every time I try I feel facial hair and get frustrated. It feels like a dream that will never happen. I have had one session of laser and going for my second session today. Boy dose that hurt. I am a blond witch makes me worried that I am wasting my time with it.  When I feel or think about the pain I wonder if death would be better...I am a  know body with almost no trace of me on this earth. My kids have their own life. I have no friends, one family member left who is close to 80. Life seems to always be a struggle. I have been told that the struggle maybe related to living a incorrect life as a male. Hell I looked into the mirror and realized that I at 46 have no smile lines at all on my face, have I never smiled??? This all goes through my mind daily. My therapist set up a mentor for me. Emailed her and she seemed more concerned with if she helps me that I remember who helped me. I just wanted a friend who understood me a little. So I am at it alone again. I know I have this group, but it is just online.
I bet if you read this far you think I have lost it or just messed up. I just know that I transition now or just wait till I can't take it any longer and just end it myself. With all of this I still believe in God, I just know I am insignificant to her. Every once in a while I get a glimpse of hope, like finally getting this permanent position after so long looking. Most of the time I just wonder why was I born?

Sadly,
Miya


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[Jessie Ann]

Your never to old to start.  I am currently 54 and I just got started on my transition this year (when I was 53) by meeting with a therapist in April and started HRT in March.  Once I was sure that I was transgender, that my issues would never go away and would only get worse I had no trouble deciding that transition was appropriate for me.  I am so glad that I did.  HRT has been an incredibly liberating experience. 

I am divorced and have been in a relationship with a woman for almost 5 years.  She did not know about my issues (even I had thought they had been banished long ago) until late last year.  She has been supportive of me and our relationship is continuing.  My kids and most of my family and friends have been supportive.  So I cannot answer some of the concerns you are expressing.  I do know that as I was making my decision (I had no idea if anyone would be supportive) I looked at what would be the worst case situation and decided that even if I couldn't pass and everyone was going to laugh at me, it would still be better than how I was living.  I transitioned for me.

I have never been happier living my life than I am right now.  For years I prayed at night to die because I felt like I could not go on.  I no longer have those feelings.  So I do believe that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel for you.  I would suggest starting HRT to see how it feels.  You don't have to let anyone know about that unless you want to.  I pretty much started living full time (except at work) beginning in late April and was completely full time by the middle of June, about 2 1/2 months after starting HRT.   

[LizK]

Hi Miya

Late bloomer here 51 and just started. You sound like me in some ways,

"Every once in a while I get a glimpse of hope..."

Hope is the one thing that has been my life line. I have not experienced feeling of hope for a long time in my life and then when I started to think about transition I began to have hope, hope that I could make it, hope that there could be a solution to my internal pain and turmoil. It is really hard to see the point in life unless you have hope. Don't start beating yourself up over things you don't know about such as make up...hell I am only slightly better than a clown by the time I am finished...but you know what...I get a little better at it each time.

My wife and I have not had any form of sex in over 10 years but she still loves me and shows me this in so many other ways. I also have to take responsibility for my part. That was hard because I didn't want to admit I really don't like it as I have never been able to see what all the song and dance is about. Maybe that says more about me. What I am saying is it does not have to be the end of intimacy or showing of love.

Suicide takes your pain and transfers it to the ones you love for the rest of their lives...I am sure you don't want to do that. When my Dysphoria is at its worst I can swing into deep suicidal thinking very easily. I am aware of it and now recognise it for what it is and deal with how I am feeling and what is causing me to feel like this.

I hear your pain and am more than happy to chat privately...you are not alone...One thing I found amazingly helpful was to write down my feelings...not for anyone else to see just for me. It seems to take some of the power away from the words and get things back in perspective. I hope some of this helps

Sarah T

[JLT1]

Hi,

53 years old here....

Generally, it is more difficult post transition.  However, being oneself brings about confidence and that is attractive.  I'm still married to my wife.  But there have been numerous opportunities with other women and one man.

Do what is ri right for you.

Hugs

Jen

[SonadoraXVX]

I started hrt at 44 years old, now 47 years old, been on hrt for 2 years and 10 months. It has given me serenity of mind, less hateful of myself in general by about 80%. My girlfriend of 4 years plus knows, told her at the 1 year mark and still together, so relationships are possible. The intimacy is not there as much, but then again, I'm a perpetual student, got my first masters in general psychology in July, 2015, pursuing my 2nd masters in I/O psychology. Reason I got my first graduate degree, was to unravel myself and my emotions, and stop being so hateful. Point being, it can get better, life at least and unlike  you, have no children(ie. I consider them now a blessing), from being so resentful in my past life. One advantage of being a late bloomer, is that we have more stability in our finances and are more critical, mature thinkers, just by living life longer. You being on this forum is the first step, Educating yourself about what it means to be transgender. Remember, only YOU know if its right for YOU, and transgender involves from full bore GRS/SRS with all the surgeries/voice modification aka bells and whistles I call them, to being a part timer, or not getting GRS, but cross living full time/part time. Dont' let anybody tell you different. I guess if its not been told to you already, a therapist is your first step(or another one if the first or second or third or umpteenth does not work, its a never ending process, until you find one you can relate), just to unravel some of the mental knots you may have (i.e. its what I call then in English, or in Spanish, Nudos en la cabeza, lol, its what my old fashioned parents called them).

Social anxiety you say? I got it, don't like attention either, and try to hide myself with extra baggy clothing/jackets, it works at times, and I think other people around me have caught notice, not too sure, lol, eh fudge it, I think. You gotta leave, a social support network is extremely important, just to shoot the breeze on daily events, FYI and my 2 cents, you'll find someone to chat with, sooner or later, it does happen, mine happened way, but way later in life.

P.S. So we represent on this forum, FYI 

[AnonyMs]

It sounds like a very familiar story for those of us starting later on. Perfectly normal and you're in good company.

I started after 40. I can't say I've made very good progress, but that's because I'm trying not to transition. It's not working out too well, as I keep taking one step after another, but I'm happy and that's whats important. I was clinically depressed before and seeing a psych, so its a wonderful improvement.

Chances are the coming years are going to be hard, but the best part of your life is just starting. Look forward to it.

[stephaniec]

36 here or maybe 63 I Forget

[Audietta]

I will be 60 in January. I am in therapy to deal with trama first then my transition. FtM transitioners never had testosterone so they look oftentimes flawless but late bloomers need to have a strengthening of the person so they do not nag themselves to much.
I want peace and my dysphoria has made overwork and sleeplessness my drug that and fear of being abandoned. So if you are fearful that is where the work is before transition. I look forward to seeing the inside of me also on the surface.

[QuinnWyx]

> do any of you go through similar feelings?

Definitely. Some days I do my hair and my make-up and put on some nice clothes and jewellery and look in the mirror and I genuinely like what I see. Then other days I get bouts of depression where I feel I'm unlovable and will likely be alone for the rest of my life. That I'm ugly and no one will ever want a freak like me. Some days I have very dark thoughts. I know my negative self talk is not helpful and thats something I'm working on. When I hit my lows I remind myself that the alternative of continuing living a lie is even worse.

I realised at about 23 that I was trans but at the time I had no resources, no support and no finances to transition and I couldn't afford to lose my job so I put it all on hold until 2013 when a major change in my life forced me to re-evaluate everything and I decided not to wait any longer. I'm now 41 and started my transition earlier this year although I still dont have easy access to medical support or HRT but I'm working on it.
You're not alone in feeling the way you do. I am quite happy with where I am in my life right now, I have been coming out to many friends and most have been very accepting.

I'm meeting new people all the time and I have hope that maybe,just maybe somewhere sometime I will meet someone that will want me for who I am. Things are changing. Trans people are becoming more visible and accepted. Who knows, in time you might meet some lucky guy/girl that would love to be with you for the who you really are. Hang in there.

xoxo
-Q-

[Jacqueline]

Miya,

Going on 51 in two weeks.

I have the embarrassing privilege of either not realizing or being so deep in denial that I didn't accept any idea of being transgender. I started therapy for the first time last January. Came out to my wife in March(nearly no one else so far) and so far, we are still together. I sent the letter from my therapist and have my first meeting with an endocrinologist this January(really? I have to wait till January -oh well, small city).

I have three daughters in the 13-18 range. None of them know  yet. Like you, I am wearing women's jeans, slacks, occasional blouse but my usual shoes and vests or jacket. I am under dressing but not approaching make up yet. No wig yet but that will be necc- so little hair on my head and it is all white. Hair everywhere else though. That is enough to send me over the edge. Been removing as much as I can since April and started electrolysis.

It is all a roller coaster. That seems to be the common thread. Well, that and a marathon. It all takes so long, and yet, takes no time(I am assured). When I came out to my wife, started dressing differently if not noticeably and removing body hair I took a huge step forward. Like Sarah, many others and part of what you posted, hope was what I held for my kids but not myself and smiling was a rare and often ironic looking exercise. I started smiling for real this past summer. I started to see that there could be light at the end of a tunnel I am in. I am not by nature an extrovert nor a sunny individual. However, I am trying and seeing how to be more positive. Sometimes it is fake it till you make it, but with these changes I have improved. I am positively exhausted by all the self hate and negativity. Suicide has seemed not so far many times. The thing that has kept me from suicide lately is simply something I read on a website called the suicide project. They collect reasons and stories of people that have brought them so far. No plans are allowed. However, on one of the pages where they guide you to a hot line is a quote. "Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain." I don't know why but it spoke to me and helped me seek resources.

My oldest daughter is trying to help a friend who recently came out as a 17 year old trans man. It gets a little frustrating to hear all of sympathies and how hard it all is and not scream, "I know, Right? I do understand!" However, we keep trying to support him(I sometimes wonder if it would help or hurt him to know I am transgender-my wife and I seem more stable and accepting than his parents).

I feel like a yo-yo. I am told emotions will fluctuate when starting HRT, as they do in true adolescents going through puberty. I hope it isn't too much worse than now. Yes, I have days where I feel right. Then I have days where every thing feels like it would be easier if I just gave up and stopped or at least went back to what I was. However, I think and have to believe I am on the right path. I am terrified of finally dressing fully and going out in public. I just want to be what my brain tells me I am but there is so much between that and what is current reality.

I am so sorry this has gone on so long. I am a little scattered and on the lower end of my yo-you cycles right now. I can't really help you with any advice on relationships and intimacy. I am early enough to be unsure myself. I can only speak of my own experiences.

I hope you can find more self acceptance as well as acceptance from others. I wish you love and a smoother journey.

With warmth,

Joanna

[KathyLauren]

I am 61, and just starting to figure this stuff out.  I don't know why it took this long, since, in hindsight, it should have been obvious.  I guess I never trusted my own instincts: I just wanted to be "normal".

I got close to being myself in my 40s: cross-dressing in private.  But the main reason I gave up on it was that I was afraid that people would see me as a freak, and that no one would want me.  I got married in my late 40s.  Nowadays, I worry that my wife won't want me.  Fear of rejection, both by my wife and by the community I live in,  keeps me in the closet for now.

So, I can totally relate.  Good luck in your journey!

[miya5]

Thank everyone for all the support you are giving. This really helps. It gets very hard when I see all the beautiful girls under 30 who pass so easily. Youth does have its privileges.
Knowing that there are others who are similar to my story helps.
Hugs,
Miya


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[iKate]

I'm in my 30s and sometimes I feel like I started too late. I see all these girls in their teens and 20s just starting out on the right track yet I have so much baggage and so much lost time.

Well, it is what it is.

[Jacqueline]

It gets very hard when I see all the beautiful girls under 30 who pass so easily.


I'm in my 30s and sometimes I feel like I started too late. I see all these girls in their teens and 20s just starting out on the right track yet I have so much baggage and so much lost time.

K. I know I am in my 50s and I feel I lost so many opportunities starting so late. However, I have had many good along with all the bad in my life. I have said this before, as others have. It seems that no matter what age we come to grips and start any sort of transition it is too late. I had read a post that generally stated that if a 7 year old came out and intended to live as a girl, she would be disappointed that she had not started at 3.

True, those who transition before puberty does all those things to them, transition so much more easily. However that is just a general fact and can be more or less true at any age. I am trying so hard not to let regret and jealousy settle for too long. They are another form of the negativity I have lived with for so long that include self doubt and self hate. When I am accepting and coping, life is so much better. I can only assume it will improve more as I progress.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Sophieraven]

Sorry i'm late as usual, but better late than never. Bit like my transition. I'm 45 nearly 46 here. So keep on trying we're here to help.
Sophie

[Joi]

I can't believe all of you young fillies think you're "old"  I started my transition with breast aug. 10 days b4 my 67th birthday in Dec. '14.  I'll be 68 in Dec. and guess what I'm giving myself for my birthday & Christmas - GCS in Bangkok in Jan.   I've heard it said that 65 is the new 45.  So I guess that makes the rest of you fresh out of high school and college! Live it!
Hugz,
Joi

[Eva Marie]

Hi Miya-

I can read the hopelessness in what you wrote. I am all too familiar with it.

I was clueless for most of my life; it was only in my mid-40s that I started unraveling my ball of yarn - I wound up going full time at 51 after 18 months of therapy. Some of the hardest things about transitioning was losing a marriage of 27 years and my parents disowning me, but my adult kids support me and I have way, way more friends now. People seem to like the new me a lot more than the old me 

For 50 years my existence was a dark, gray place with no happiness and no emotion - I was a brick that was just going through the motions and didn't want to be friends with anyone because my nightly drinking was my friend. Every day was the same as the previous day and I was just waiting until it was time to make the trip to the pine box.

When I began taking a transitioning dose of HRT absolutely nothing happened for about a month. After a month of HRT I woke up one day and the sun was shining and birds were singing and I was...... happy? So THATs the way i'm supposed to feel! Happy, sad, emotional, crying - real feelings!!! No more emotional brick for me. HRT unlocked my mind and let the real me come forward.

Even at my age the hormones have done their job. I'll never win a beauty pageant but thats OK; I move through my day and no one pays me any attention - i'm just another older woman out and about. And after 30 some odd years of being off the market i'm dating once again so love is out there to be found.

I don't want to sugar coat it - this is a tough path to follow and you'll have to take the good with the bad, but you'll find that living an authentic life beats the tar out of living the life you have now, even with the losses that will inevitably happen. Yes, there are plenty of doubts (most of us have had them - the "what in the heck am I doing?!?!" moments) but they eventually pass - that's your fear of the unknown speaking to you.

One thing that you might want to discuss with your medical professionals is low dose HRT. Such treatment is mentioned in the DSM as being appropriate to treat dysphoria for some people. Low dose HRT can give you some mental relief with physical changes happening very, very slowly - if it's right for you you'll know it pretty much immediately, and if it's not right you can stop it shortly after starting it with few if any long term affects. Low dose HRT can buy you some time to think more about what is going on and allow you time to make plans for the future.

And yes, it would be marvelous to be a gorgeous young female with your whole future waiting before you... but being a 52 year old average looking female with the rest of the future before you ain't too bad either. It sure beats the life I was living before 

[judithlynn]

Hi Miya;
I have just turned 64 and am transitioning slowly again. Many of my friends reckon my age from my complexion and skin condition (few wrinkles) is about early 50's so that what 2.5 years of low dose HRT can do for you. I can tell you low dose HRT is a really great idea and I am a 100% more relaxed and better person to be around.   I do still get bouts of depression, but they are few and far between.

I never knew Eva Marie before she started to transition, but I had the incredibly good fortune to meet her in the US about 18 months ago and I first met her just before she went full time  . I like her heaps and heaps!  We spent a few days together doing stuff and she introduced me to JillP and her wife Katherine  . What I saw then and have seen since is she is an amazing person and I value her friendship lots. Certainly since she went full time and moved to a full transition HRT regime I believe she has really blossomed and I am looking forward to meeting up with her and others again soon.

I agree with her sentiments, it would be wonderful to be 20 again , but even in later life we really can live life to its fullness as women
Regards
JudithLynn

[ToniB]

Hi Miya I started my transition at 59 and am now living full time enfem .It is never too late I am happier and more self assured now then I have ever been in My life .living as I was always meant to be has changed everything for Me .I am able to cope with all that life throws at Me so much better. I am confident, open ,friendly approachable all things that I most definitely was not before .I feel so easy in myself not having to hide my true nature from the world .I must admit I have been exceptionally lucky with acceptance both with family and work even the Wife is getting there with Me .I can say that without any shadow of a doubt that transition was and is the best decision I ever made in my life. I hope that You can also find the path that allows you to find the same satisfaction in life that I am lucky enough to have found

Toni

[miya5]

Nice that this is still getting attention. Thank all of you for your support. I am in my third week on E low dose and waiting for the changes to show. Week five my dose goes up a little. I chose not to go on blockers, the health risk is too high and E will do it anyway.
I feel so old most of the time. Fear is a real b! I have never been seen dressed. Saturday for Halloween I will be seen dressed. I fear my wife's reaction the most.
My daughters support me.
Fear eats away at me.
Miya


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