Should I wait until I Transition to Come out?

[Sandy74]

My emotions are all over the place weather or not I want to transition or not and its like a rollercoaster of emotions.

I do know for one thing and that is I am Transgender and I am soooo tired of suppressing that fact. Though after being here for such a short time I am slowly building up my confidence because I am around other folks that struggle with the same issues and I want to tell my family and friends and I have come out to a few select people but I really want to tell my parents.

Though I feel like perhaps I shouldn't say anything until I am actually making the transition but I also don't want them to be shocked that I am telling them when I am starting to transition. I know that for me to be happy that I do need to transition to be happy with myself and my future and I am curious on people's views when it comes to transitioning and coming out to family at the same time.

I don't have a clue when I am going to transition or when or how but I know that  want to and I know that I have to see a gender therapist first and that is in the future but since living in South Dakota and Montana its not exactly the friendliest place for transgender folks so I would have to go to Denver or Seattle or somewhere like that to see someone.

Just would like to get people's opinions....Thanks

[JLT1]

Hi,

I've seen a number of your posts and have been following your journey.  What I did.....

1.  Got a good job with good insurance.  I have managed to get much of my medical covered including FFS, HRT, Electrolysis, Psych, Hair transplant, BA and GCS.   

2.  Psych first

3.  HRT and Electrolysis

4.  Came out to a number of friends, family and at work.

5.  Went away for FFS and came back to work as Jennifer

6.  Orchi, BA, Hair transplant, more electrolysis

7.  GCS is comming in December of this year

I started with the psychologist in June 2012.....

I live in Minneapolis/St Paul MN.  A good place for transgendered individuals.

Good Luck

Hugs

Jennifer

[Ms Grace]

I think a lot of it comes down to how much support you believe you are going to receive. If you expect opposition and people trying to talk you out of it I'd personally suggest keeping it under wraps and getting on with the transition (therapist, HRT, beard removal, FFS if you want, whatever). Keep in mind that coming out as trans is different to coming out as gay. Most people can wrap their head around the latter, not so much the former. If you tell them you identify as female and are then still presenting as male for months afterwards then people either get confused or they don't take you seriously, possibly both. I decided to wait until the week before I transitioned to full time before I told the majority of people, that way coming out actually coincided with transition and they knew exactly what I meant by it and that I was serious. By then my body had developed, my beard was 50+% gone, I'd worked on my wardrobe, had been out in female mode a umber of times and had started to get a sense of my female persona... so i was able to roll my transition out as a fait accompli that they couldn't argue against or deny. As a process it worked well for me but it is different for everyone. I listened to my gut, that's what it told me and it worked out well. What does your gut say?

[Paige]

Hi Sandy,

Thanks for starting this thread, I've often wondered the same thing.  I feel that the best way for me will be wait until I start to have a lot of male fail or a least gender confusion.  Maybe if people are puzzled for a while it won't be such a shock when I come out.  I do think there's a lot of truth in what Grace said about people not understanding because you still maintain a male appearance.  I think this is one of the things that maybe is stopping my wife from understanding me.

Take care,
Paige

[Peep]

Personally I'm waiting until after my first GI clinic appointment, maybe even until i start hormones, to come out to the world in general. Other than that, it's been a need-to-know basis, boyfriend, parents, and i guess my GP is next.

I agree that it depends on how much support you feel you'll have. There's no reason to throw yourself in the deep end immediately. The way i see it, the first steps (like the clinic appointments and/or therapy) can be private, but might give us more confidence for more public steps?

[KristinaM]

I struggled with this for a bit, but then I got some good advice.

I'd been to see a therapist, and I'd been on hormones for a couple weeks when I came out to them.  I had planned to wait until i was far enough down the rabbit hole that they'd believe I was serious (6+ months?).  The advice I received from a friend though made me look at it from their perspective.  If my own child was struggling with something as monumental as this, I'd want to know about it.  I would also want to be there for the journey, not just have the finished product unveiled to me at some point down the road.  So that's what I did.  I went ahead and told them.

I was naive though to think they'd have some inkling of understanding, that something from my past would make them say, "hmm, you're possibly right."  Instead, I got showered with a $h1t-storm of hate and rejection and bigotry and denial.  It wouldn't have been any different if I'd told them any later either.

Not sure if that helps, but basically, your parents are going to take it however they're going to take it, now, or later, so it really doesn't matter when you tell them.  Just make sure you're serious and committed and prepare for the worst, or their opinions could shake the foundation you've been so carefully laying recently, but always hope for the best in people.  It's a happier way to live.

[garywymer2015]

Hello

Sent from my LGMS345 using Tapatalk

[Dena]

Garywymer2015 Welcome to Susan's Place. Please post more about yourself as we are viewing your post. Many times people make short fast post in order to activate the Personal Messaging system. If we are unable to determine your motive for being on this web site, your ability to PM will be restricted.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[LizK]

Sandy I have been following along many of your posts and I hear the anguish in them. I have come out to my entire family and have lost no one. It didn't go as I planned and I spent weeks obsessing over how and when to do it. My parents living in another country doesn't help. After the fiasco I created over coming out to my parents I decided not to do the same with my girls and basically told them the moment we got home from my parents. I had planned once again to have them both round for dinner and the slowly broach the subject. However in the end it didn't matter.

The point I am making is that I spent way too much energy on thinking about how I would do it and how it would go. Trying to look at every angle and cover all the bases...can't be done...why?...because the unknown quantity is human nature and humans never behave in the manner we expect.

Make sure you are ready to tell your story and prepared for out right rejection and then plunge on in...it could end up being way better than you think. There is also the relief you will experience once you realise that all the people you love, know your trans and they are all still with you.

Good luck and I hope you can work it out

Sarah T

[cindianna_jones]

My family found out through the grapevine. I lived stealth for 28 years. My hubby didn't want me to say anything.  I don't recall telling anyone until recently. Now, I"m pretty much out to the world. I don't wear a sign or anything but I tell most people that become more than a casual acquaintance.

As for advice? That's entirely up to you. But expect some blowback. Gays are okay but trans people are not in some people's minds. Many gay people reject us. I might suggest that you start your path first. Do what you can do before you say anything to anyone except for perhaps your parents or closest friends. I would not tell anyone at work. Make sure your education is in the bag or that you can handle it on your own. You will need a good job and the ability to save thousands to cover your costs. Those are all things you can work on without telling anyone. After all, some people DO change their minds.

My advice is free and worth every penny.

Cindi

[Jill F]

I want to tell my family and friends and I have come out to a few select people but I really want to tell my parents.

Though I feel like perhaps I shouldn't say anything until I am actually making the transition but I also don't want them to be shocked that I am telling them when I am starting to transition.

Here's what I did-
Nov '12- Came out to wife and best female friend
Dec '12- Therapy
Jan '13- Estrogen
Mar '13- Stumbled into going full-time
April '13- Decided to go PermaJill (TM)
late April '13- Came out to everyone else after knowing I'd never try to present male ever again.

Going full-time was something I wasn't sure I could pull off until I spent some time in public and walking the walk with confidence.  I could always go back if I had to, or "abort mission".  This way I could keep the cat in the bag for a bit longer if need be.  A month in, I was 100% sure that this was my future.

Another reason I didn't come out before I was fully committed and already full-time was that I knew that I'd get flooded with people trying to talk me out of it and some major guilt trips.  I pretty much put it out there like, "It's already a done deal. I'm fine- in fact I'm finally truly happy. I know some of you won't be able to wrap your heads around it right away, so please take time to let it sink in.  This is how things will be from now on."

I know there is no "one-size-fits-all" approach and what works for one of us works for one of us, but I am positive I did the right thing for me.

[Sandy74]

Thanks for the responses and I am starting to think that coming out to family and friends that are very close to me should not be done until I take this a bit more serious and perhaps after  I do see a gender therapist whenever that ends up happening and then going from there. I have no clue when or how I will transition and or if I am going to do it within the next year or two. I know that I can't suppress it anymore and that it is not going to stay hidden anymore and to be honest I am so tired of keeping it a secret.

If and when I do transition and start to take hormones then I think I will tell my parents and my brothers and sisters but until then I think that I will keep it on the down low and not make it public. I doubt anyone would ever ask if I was but if something crazy like that were to happen I think that I would be honest and say that I was.

I think I just need to find a place to settle down where transgender folks are accepted more than the places that I am currently living. I like in South Dakota for the next couple weeks and then I am heading to Montana to ski away the winter at a ski resort where I will be working. I guess time will tell on what I end up doing but I do appreciate all the support and the well wishes and what not, I am glad that I found this forum.