Advise from 25 + realizers

[needhelp]

Ok so hello there once again. Some might remember mr asking this before but I'm a fella who's very confused about being trans or not.
Just trying to gather a little more information of other's stories who were in my same situation. I'm 27. Severe OCD since a child. Never had the thought of being a woman or liking dresses that I know or such. Being always very passice however. Dominated by people (push over). Making visual contacy with men has always made me uncomfortable. I get this kind of fear somehow. Always being very sensitive too. When I turned 17 or 18 I started doubting ky sexuality. Never acted on it since it seemed like HOCD (homosexual OCD)...
Now that I undersrand what being mtf is better I've started to realize many things... I started suffering from anxiety around 16. No reason. Just happened. Up to this day I'm anxious for no reason. I've always felt less of a man than my peers and felt bad about it. Never rrally liked my looks. Actually wanted to look morr masculine and be more handsome but it's like I'm never content with what I have. Never really had dysphoria however as far as I can tell.
Things I've noticed tho. I've always hear my inner voice as something not like my real voice. Even when I speak up my voice sounds higher that what it is. It's actually a really low tone. My image of myself is not really either me per say when I visualize myself. Since then I've been trying to visualize my exact same figure (one I see in mirror) and think of me talking with my real voice and I get this thing in my troath like if something was stuck there (anxiety)... Also... I could never imagine myself with a man as another male.. but maybe as a woman?...
Other weird things... I don't rrally know if I wanna see boobs on me or not... but when I hold my chest it feels as if I knew what it feels to have boobs, like If I had it in another life and I don't have it now.
Sorry it's hard to articulate this from the phone... but anyone else here ever went through this? Did not even have a clue about being mtf at all? No previous acts signaling such a thing? Please let me know

Thanks !

[Dena]

It doesn't work that way. You have to tell us what you are. My guess would be you are transgender or you wouldn't be on this site. I don't know if you are transsexual as you really haven't said anything one way or the other. You are still in the early stages of exploring your feelings and sometimes it can take a long time to figure it out without help. Therapy with a doctor that works with gender issues would be a good start. Something you can try is youtube has a series called "the transition channel" that will ask you question that will help you explore your feelings. After you view the videos I think you will have a better idea what questions you need to ask. Good luck and let me know if I can help you.

[mfox]

I don't rrally know if I wanna see boobs on me or not...

Have you ever tried feminizing your body?  You can take some steps temporarily, and see if you like it or if it doesn't feel right.  For example, shaving your body hair.

[needhelp]

It doesn't work that way. You have to tell us what you are. My guess would be you are transgender or you wouldn't be on this site. I don't know if you are transsexual as you really haven't said anything one way or the other. You are still in the early stages of exploring your feelings and sometimes it can take a long time to figure it out without help. Therapy with a doctor that works with gender issues would be a good start. Something you can try is youtube has a series called "the transition channel" that will ask you question that will help you explore your feelings. After you view the videos I think you will have a better idea what questions you need to ask. Good luck and let me know if I can help you.

Well first thanks you. Second, reason I ask is because OCD can make you believe things. Maybe if I hear some people with similar stories it would make more sense.
For the other person about feminizing my body... It's hard to tell... I'm fit but somehow have some feminine features like a big butt with some cellulite, type 1 gyno (which I've dispised my whole life), and a little female like fat distribution. I've always wanted to be more manly which contradicts this and suddenly go to the other side of the spectrum brings a lot of questions for me. I don't want to go into HRT and realize I wanna go back.. there are multiple things at stake like losing family, my fertility, etc etc. That's why I ask.
Most people I've read about realizing late in life at least have historied of crosdressing as a kid or wanting something female related but just did not know what it meant. I'm like... that never happened to me. Like ever.

Thanks once again !

[Dena]

People have different ways of feeling transgender and different times when they first feel it. Some people know at age 3 or 4. Some like me figured it out in the early teens while others waited till the late teens. Still others made the discovery in adulthood. The fact you never felt it before really isn't important in this argument. Above I said I didn't know if you are transsexual and i still don't. I suspect you may fall in the non binary area. From your description, gender fluid or gender queer are possible. In gender fluid, one day you may feel masculine and the next day feminine. Gender queer feels comfortable mixing the genders together at the same time. Really you will need a therapist to help you work this out unless I happen to hit on a label you feel fits. You are still very early in exploration and I am not sure you know what you feel.

As for HRT, a good option for you would be blockers. They will stop T production without altering your body. Should you decide you don't like the feeling you can stop and your body will pick up where it left of. If T blockers help, then estrogen could be added at a low dose. Hormone don't act real fast so you might have a few months to decide. Again should you decide to quit, the small changes wouldn't be noticeable. Just talk to the therapist and Endo and explain you want to take it slow and easy and they will do the rest.

[Leafa]

hey!!!
It seem we have similar story, I am 28 but I realised I was transsexual at 27. I've never felt the need to cross-dress when I was younger, I wanted to look more masculine when I was a teenager as well. I never really felt dysphoria either at least I never realise it at the time and considering that my dysphoria is pretty mild that could explain it. I've doubt my sexuality somewhat but I like to consider it as evolving, the more I mature the easier it was to keep an open mind and it made me go from hetero to bisexual and finally pansexual homo-romantic. All that about being passive and a push over too.

On the other hand I do not have OCD or Anxiety, I want boobs and SRS.

Now the fun part: "How did I realise I was transsexual?". First of I had a lot of fetish when I start exploring my sexuality and it evolve to the point that in the last few years I could never see myself as a guy in any kind of relationship. While at the time I found it odd, I just let it be as some kind of new fetish of mine. I played a lot of mmo in the last 4 years, while at the start I could not conceive of having anything but a male avatar but at some point I did try to make a female one and since then it simply feel wrong to play as a male at all. At the same time I start to make friend online whom I told I was a woman which at first was suppose to be a joke but the more I was refer as a woman the better it made me feel, it made me feel free to talk about anything without having to censure myself.

Finally after all those hints(there is a lot more I just don't want to write a book here  ) what made me really look up transgender was my interest in Kristen Stewart and 3 of her movies(The Runaways, Cloud of Sils Maria and Still Alice)
plus some interview I saw of her made me relate to her so much that it just made complete sense to me at the time.
Any doubt I have now as nothing to do with being a trans woman but all about the trouble it could cause me and my family.

After that I've been going over everything in my life till now to see if there was any indication of this. I've realise that all my life I try to fit in with everyone else, that all my decisions up to now were made to follow the social norm or to please others. It was quite the shock really and it something you really should ask yourself "Why did I really made this or that choices?".

Apart from that Dena made really great comment in her last 2 posts here you really should follow all her advise I'm  certain it would help you.

Hugs 

Émily

[Leafa]

hey again  !!!
I got your message unfortunately I'm not yet allow to reply to private message like that but you can ask me anything here if you like, it could help others at the same time. You can e-mail me directly emily.lachance@outlook.com if you prefer I don't mind either way!

Hugs

Émily

[needhelp]

Ok thanks a lot for all the answers. Another thing related. Did any of you always had an issue with telling people what pissed you off and kept it to yourself? Espexcially for those MTF. I find myself that I've always had this issue.. men find it so easy to tell others when something pisses them off. Me instead I can't. Even with women too tho but not as bad as with men... another thing that led me to think I might be a woman inside. Actually.. the angry look of another male scares me even if I try not to care about it. I'm not a feminine guy by the way.
Confusion confusion..

[Miyuki]

Something like that. I never seemed to get angry the way a lot of guys I knew did. I was aways weirded out and uncomfortable when I saw someone get angry and have an outburst, because I couldn't understand why they would get upset so easily. Sometimes I even unintentionally antagonized them (occasionally intentionally ) because I didn't know the right way to respond to stuff like that. It seems like I've gotten a lot better at handling those kinds of situations since I transitioned, because even though I never feel that kind of anger myself, I am empathetic enough to read when someone is becoming upset and respond appropriately. It kind of reinforces the idea that women developed empathy at least partly as a survival mechanism for being around men...

[Shads]

Hi

I can relate to most of what you are feeling.  I always had some obsessional thoughts as child and have suffered OCD really badly for the past 12 years.  Now as a child I never knew I was born on the wrong body but I felt different.  Watching tv with my grandmother and wanting to be the little girl in the programs.  I shrugged it off at the time as just silly.  I was a boy and after all boys were not girls.  I still get these thoughts even today when I see a picture of a stunning woman in wonderful clothes.  Part of me wants to wear her clothes, part of me wants to be with her and a bigger part wants to be her.

Never having had a  girl friend throughout my puberty and into early adulthood, it did lead me to think I was gay.  This started when I came across a book and first encountered the word Transexual.  I so wanted to have a sex change (as it was called back in the early 80's).  I never fitted in with the other males I had known in my life and thought something wasn't right with me.  And I had no idea at the time that gender and sexual preference were not the same.  I was a little ignorant back when I was 16.  As a male I could never see myself with another man, but sometimes I can imagine it if I were a woman.  I am still attracted to women though

I've always been very passive as a person.  I am typically male in a few respects but not with the big ego or attitudes.  I detest confrontation of any kind and often do not say what is on my mind.  I let myself get pushed around too, not just by males.  Even at school I got bullied by both boys and girls that were 2 or 3 years younger than me.  I always think I am too physically and emotionally weak to be male.  I know men can be kind, caring, emotional, passionate, understanding, loving etc. but it has always felt wrong for me.

I dressed quite a lot and went out around the neighborhood, still desiring to have surgery.  This went on for months until one night I was approached by to men and I thought I was going to get my head kicked in.  It scared the thoughts out of me...for a time at least.

Over the years I have suppressed it as hard as I can but it always rears it's head back when I least expect it.  I play a lot of pc games and always have characters of both genders.  The male characters are the males I sometimes wish I was in real life but the female are the ones I enjoy the most.  They are just easier for me play as they reflect who I am on the inside.  I just feel so fake though.  My body and brain don't match either in the real world or online.

I havent thought I was born in the wrong body and have always identify myself as male.  That being said, I never wanted to be one of the guys.  I always wanted to be one of the girls.  Could this just be my OCD kicking in again?  I don't know.  I am trying to get to see my Dr for a referral to see a therapist.  I would suggest you do the same.

And for what it is worth, I am 48 now and had a chance to talk to a Dr about this 32 years ago and chickened out.  So much wasted time feeling confused about it all. 

[windlep]

My inner voice also sounds sounds higher than my real voice, even when I'm speaking out loud. Is that a trans thing or a human thing?

[needhelp]

I get this too... weird huh? I also feel bad about it when I feel feminine. Like that's all the opposite of what I want. Everything is confusing.

My inner voice also sounds sounds higher than my real voice, even when I'm speaking out loud. Is that a trans thing or a human thing?

[needhelp]

Another funny thing that I get since I turned 16 was that my "S" when I talk became thicker. My speech got weird, but when I try to talk with a high pitch voice it doesn't happen. Now I wonder if it's a way dysphoria manifests for me when I talk. Wish this was black and white ... but there's so much grey here !