Antisocial while transitioning?

[shanetastic]

It seems like lately all I've been doing is going to school and work.  I've never really been that outgoing of a person I've been on hormones for a couple weeks now, but for the time being just trying to finish off the semester as myself. 

My two best friends just left to go off to college like this week, and I live in a really small conservative town.  Right now, it's just sort of hard, because I don't think it's even worth it to make new friends right now, but it also sucks not really having any friends left.  I also don't seem to care too much about attempting to make new friends because I plan on moving in about 4 to 6 months and hopefully blend within society within that time if not a little longer.

The problem is, now that I go to college, it's really hard to meet people, and count my antisocial problem in there and it's even more difficult.  In high school and stuff, it's like you made friends naturally, and now that you have to work at it I'm a little worried.  Especially right now, since I've lost all my highschool friends except the ones that just went off to college. 

What I guess I'm worried about is what is going to happen when I actually get further down the line of transition, and I'll actually have a chance at passing and will have to make new friends again.  I'm a little skeptical of people's acceptance, as well as how I'm actually going to make new friends when I move.  I still talk to my two friends, but even then, I live a pretty dull and boring life right now. 

I know everyone is different, but I have to move to finish college either way.  I'm starting school in the fall of 08, so I'm hoping to have finished the majority of transitioning by then; but still my main concern is making new friends and not being so isolated.  How did you guys make new friends during this time is what my main concern is going to be.  Right now I'm not too worried because I don't really care for friends here for the remainder of my time living where I'm at right now.  I just want to hopefully transition well then go off.

I know this post drifted a lot, but I'm just hoping for some advice on how to be more outgoing and how to make some new friends when I leave and when I hopefully pass.

[seldom]

Being anti-social while transitioning is not unusual, but I would not say its HEALTHY.  In fact if I have any critique of some of those who transition essentially alone, its basically they are the ones who often end up having the worst attitudes during and after transition. 

I personally have been very social during transition, but I am not transitioning in college, I am transitioning in a career, which is supposed to be more difficult.

The truth is if you are going to a progressive university or college (most are) you really should have no fear of being social while transitioning.  Most people in college are open minded folks and your generation is more used to the idea of transitioning than the people here over 35.  They lost friends...I didn't at 29 with none of my close friends breaking the 35 age level.  There is a big generation gap in perceptions regarding transition.  Young people accept it, while those who may be over a certian age it is less likely for them to accept it.

As many people may deride me for ageism, this is the truth, Generation X and Y are MUCH more accepting on a whole, honestly your fears of acceptance are a bit off base.  Being anti-social is not going to help you, it will in fact set you back a little as there is particular socialization habits that women have you are not going to pick up on locked in your dorm room.  In fact I would say these are as essential as to how well you integrate in with your target gender.

I will be honest, College is by far the most accepting environment you will find, and it is actually easier to find friends in College because people generally go there to expand their horizons.  This is not High School, in a good way.  People do not pass judgment in the same way in College.

Basically you SHOULD be better off, it is easier to transition in college both socially and in terms of acceptance, than anywhere else.  You just need to yank yourself out of the dorm room and participate in some activities and meet new people. 

[lisagurl]

Maybe people are not all they are cracked up to be. Being subjective allows us to be our selves but to be social we must drop our own feelings be conditioned to societies demands on how we should be. Maybe a mixture is where happiness lies.

[shanetastic]

Being anti-social while transitioning is not unusual, but I would not say its HEALTHY.  In fact if I have any critique of some of those who transition essentially alone, its basically they are the ones who often end up having the worst attitudes during and after transition. 

I personally have been very social during transition, but I am not transitioning in college, I am transitioning in a career, which is supposed to be more difficult.

The truth is if you are going to a progressive university or college (most are) you really should have no fear of being social while transitioning.  Most people in college are open minded folks and your generation is more used to the idea of transitioning than the people here over 35.  They lost friends...I didn't at 29 with none of my close friends breaking the 35 age level.  There is a big generation gap in perceptions regarding transition.  Young people accept it, while those who may be over a certian age it is less likely for them to accept it.

As many people may deride me for ageism, this is the truth, Generation X and Y are MUCH more accepting on a whole, honestly your fears of acceptance are a bit off base.  Being anti-social is not going to help you, it will in fact set you back a little as there is particular socialization habits that women have you are not going to pick up on locked in your dorm room.  In fact I would say these are as essential as to how well you integrate in with your target gender.

I will be honest, College is by far the most accepting environment you will find, and it is actually easier to find friends in College because people generally go there to expand their horizons.  This is not High School, in a good way.  People do not pass judgment in the same way in College.

Basically you SHOULD be better off, it is easier to transition in college both socially and in terms of acceptance, than anywhere else.  You just need to yank yourself out of the dorm room and participate in some activities and meet new people. 

I'll be working on that when it happens.  I live at home right now because I had a horrible college experience, but I graduated high school early and went when I was 17, that's probably why.  Now that I'm 19, I think it will go better this time, but the problem is I'm waiting until August of 08 to go to another school.  So I have some time ahead of me still stuck around the house.  I'm taking a break off school from January to August because I wanted to start in Fall when everyone else normally starts for a better chance of getting some new friends.  Last time I transfered in the Spring, and only made like 10 friends in a whole semester, and then I got stuck with some of the worst roommates possible, believe me lol.  I live with my parents, and they support me right now in my decision, so I have some support, but all of my other friends have moved for the time being.  I'll still get to visit them on breaks from school and stuff, but for the time being I don't really have much friends left here.  I'm not really sweating it though, because when I move that's when I hope I can make the biggest shift and become outgoing and social hopefully.

Oh yeah, here's the sort of funny part too.  My brother lives in San Fransisco and is going to school there, as we live a couple hours away from it.  After going there to visit him pre HRT and transition, I noticed how awesome the city is now that I'm older.  So I'm going to end up going there too.  I hope the fact that it's a diverse area helps me too in the fact of acceptance. 

Posted on: September 19, 2007, 11:44:03 AM

I transitioned while in college and ended up pretty much locking myself in my dorm all the time.

This year I have a roommate and stuff, and it's a lot better. I'm not a social butterfly or anything, but I've always been fine with being somewhat quiet. Passing has also most definitely boosted my confidence with meeting other people.

And yeah, I'm hoping with a yearish of HRT I'll be passing by the time I go back to college.

[Lisbeth]

Honestly, you can't afford to hide in your room for a year.  Give yourself a boot in the rear and get outside.

[shanetastic]

Honestly, you can't afford to hide in your room for a year.  Give yourself a boot in the rear and get outside.

It's not that I hide, more so ever the fact that I don't have anymore friends to really hang out with now that they all moved.  I'm still working right now too, and my workplace is pretty social, but I am not going to be there too much longer.  I don't think it's entirely transition that's making me this way, but more the fact that I only have very limited friends still living in the city for the time being.  And because of this, it's hard for our schedules to work out and hang out.  And I still present as a male too, because I'm finishing up the last couple of my classes and don't feel like hassling with the little junior college either for the time being.

[gothique11]

I know quite a few tgirls who are quite anti-social during their transition. I would agree that trying to be more social is a good thing, however, because you learn so much doing that that you other wise can't hiding in your room, only talking a a few people (or just trans people, as I know some I know do).

I'm very social, and I enjoy it. I wasn't always social, but a couple of years ago I pushed myself to be more social. I'd say being social had been instrumental in my transition. Saying that, however, it's not easy and there is more pressure. You're competing against girls that have been girls their whole life, and a mans world isn't the same as a womans world. Being part of the womans world is much more different than observing, too. So, you have that pressure, but it's a good kind.

One thing that I've gained is a real knowledge of what it means to be a woman, and I've been able to bond with other women in a way I've never been able to bond with people before. It's not an easy road and it will be very difficult. And all of a sudden the idea of passing and not passing seem elementary, as passing seems more of a visual thing and only one small tiny part of being a woman -- in other words, looking the part and being the part are two totally different things.

Anyway, good luck.

--natalie

[SusanK]

Being anti-social while transitioning is not unusual, but I would not say its HEALTHY.  In fact if I have any critique of some of those who transition essentially alone, its basically they are the ones who often end up having the worst attitudes during and after transition. 

Huh? I'm curious about this idea because you can't really transistion alone. You have to get through life, even if it's your health specialists, the normal daily stuff of life, your work and your interests. Not having a "social" life and lots of friends is relative to your personality and personal needs and interests in having people in your whole life, not your transistion.

I'm sorry to disagree, but there are quite a few people comfortable being alone much of the time, and even while in social situations, prefer the company of a few people. This includes the work that many people do alone, like writers, poets, painters and other artists, photographers (eg myself), hikers and backpackers, and so on.

And adding a transistion to one's life often helps make it easier for an alone person because they have to time to be themselves and become more comfortable when they do go out in public. One's fear in a transistion isn't so much about aloneness than someone's personal views and fears about their transistion. Some may experience aloneness out of fear with their transistion, and worthy of support and/or help, but it's not always the case.

Please don't confuse being alone with being anti-social, or worse being a loner. There are worlds of difference between these types. And being an alone person isn't bad or bad for one's transistion, it's just their lifestyle. And often pushing them into a social life can do more harm than good. They'll gain interpersonal and intrapersonal acceptance the same as anyone, they just want the freedom in their own space and time.

And I really disagree with your statement, "I have any critique of some of those who transition essentially alone, its basically they are the ones who often end up having the worst attitudes during and after transition." Your post-transistion attitude is from factors other than being an alone person, namely your view of life and work, yourself, your transistion, etc.

It could be argued - and my therapist could argue it better - that one's post-transistion life and attitude is better if they have a whole life, meaning their transisiton isn't their life but a part of their whole being and doing during their transistion, which includes their past, meaning finding a place for it in their new being and life. They don't have to make up a history, but just be who they are, past and all.

Just my thoughts.

[Kat]

I kind of had the opposite reaction to going to college.  During high school I was incredibly anti-social and didn't particularly enjoy talking with anyone much.  I had some friends but not too many.  Since starting college I have literally made about 30-40 new friends with whom I talk to now on a regular basis.  I find it is much easier for me to be accepted if I go out and do things!  It was so weird for me to actually be invited to parties and to go to peoples houses.  Quite a few of my friends are juniors/seniors or grad students too, so I have people who can drive me to the grocery store and whatnot 

Being social has made my life so much better, and I recommend at least giving it a shot.  You can meet some incredibly awesome people doing so 

[shanetastic]

I kind of had the opposite reaction to going to college.  During high school I was incredibly anti-social and didn't particularly enjoy talking with anyone much.  I had some friends but not too many.  Since starting college I have literally made about 30-40 new friends with whom I talk to now on a regular basis.  I find it is much easier for me to be accepted if I go out and do things!  It was so weird for me to actually be invited to parties and to go to peoples houses.  Quite a few of my friends are juniors/seniors or grad students too, so I have people who can drive me to the grocery store and whatnot 

Being social has made my life so much better, and I recommend at least giving it a shot.  You can meet some incredibly awesome people doing so 

Okay since I think I've contradicted myself on this post a lot, I'll try to answer this one   I think the problem is like right now that I'm just trying to actually like transition just that little bit, so I can hopefully just pass once in a while.  Also, with having to finish school, I'm trying to plan my transition so I go full time in a couple months like when I finish that and take my semester off.

I guess the being antisocial part of it right now is me just not caring to try to make new friends because I'm still presenting as a male.  I've only been on hormones for four weeks this Friday, so as you can probably guess, not a WHOLE lot has been changing so far.  I think I just want to be on estrogen for like a little longer in order to build my self confidence. . . I'm just trying to actually figure out why too during this post, so I'm working on figuring this out too.

[ValerieMTL]

I've actually found that since I started my transition that I have become more of a social person. I guess that comes from the confidence of finally getting to be myself. I have found it quite easy to make new friends because most people will gravitate to those with an aura of confidence and courage, and let's face it... it takes tons of courage and bravery in our society for anyone to actually be true to who they are.

Don't lock urself indoors during ur transition, u'lll only end up missing out on tons of great experiences.

Valerie x

[shanetastic]

I'm working at it but it's hard ><

[ValerieMTL]

Ull c that as ur transition moves along, so will ur confidence level. Things that u never thought possible will just become second nature. Give urself a chance, take it slowly... it will all flow.

[Hypatia]

It's funny, I came out at the age of 45. Up until then, I'd lived for many years with essentially no friends at all. No social life to speak of.

As soon as I came out, I was totally a social butterfly emerging from the cocoon. I immediately made tons of new friends, more than I could ever find time for. The massive acceptance I found in Pagan circles gave me the solid base of social support I needed to go forward with my transformation and thrive.

Since I began to develop into a confident woman (once I got on hormones), my focus has been to mainstream myself in society at large. I just show up places and behave naturally as any normal woman would. It seems the most thorough way to approach my real life experience.

Lisa, your advice to "be conditioned to societies demands on how we should be" puzzles me. What exactly are you advocating? To shrink from openly presenting as a woman because there are ->-bleeped-<- haters out there and people who misunderstand? Or to behave according to the social expectations of how a woman behaves (e.g. using the ladies' room)? If the latter, I'm there. If the former, I could not disagree with you more strongly.

My advice to shanetastic is just to go out and do whatever you want to do, as the woman you are. Just relax and be happy to be who you are, and people will naturally respond to that and you'll make friends without needing to try hard. In my case, I found a very accepting Pagan community and began attending their meetings. They loved me and warmly welcomed me in. My confidence and social life just grew from there.

[lisagurl]

Lisa, your advice to "be conditioned to societies demands on how we should be" puzzles me. What exactly are you advocating? To shrink from openly presenting as a woman because there are ->-bleeped-<- haters out there and people who misunderstand? Or to behave according to the social expectations of how a woman behaves (e.g. using the ladies' room)? If the latter, I'm there. If the former, I could not disagree with you more strongly.

If an artist wants to paint his house black in the middle of a suburban neighborhood he will be shunned by the neighbors. Being forced to present certain gender traits is the same thing. The public expects a behavior that goes against the individuals expression. Doing things that are not against the law but not socially accepted will lead to discrimination. The choice is either do what you like, be alone and just with those who do not hold societies view but yours, or be unhappy and play the game to get rewards you do not want.

The mere fact that we are expected to present one gender or the other leaves the imagination with a straight jacket.

[Hypatia]

The choice is either do what you like, be alone and just with those who do not hold societies view but yours, or be unhappy and play the game to get rewards you do not want.

The mere fact that we are expected to present one gender or the other leaves the imagination with a straight jacket.

That choice as you described it is baloney. The straitjacket you mention is baloney too. We are free to live as we please, and the only ones stopping us are ourselves. For every transphobe in "society," you'll find an accepting friend--but only if you liberate yourself first, and take the initiative.

[lisagurl]

It has nothing to do with transphobe. It has to do with the haves, not associating with the have nots or the Church of Christ kids not allowed to play with the Methodist kids. The jocks picking on the nerds and the doctors wanting to live near the upper crust and not in a redneck area. This was a dry county till a few years ago. The KKK are having a meeting in 2 weeks at the Court house square. Where do you live in CA? This is the kind of world our leaders are making. I had to pay $2500 for a name change because the judge refused to approve it with out a lawyer even though I had every thing perfect.   

"baloney" only if you live in an area that has another Transsexual closer than 100 miles away.

but only if you liberate yourself first, and take the initiative.

Yes my friend lives with me but she had to move here from San Francisco 2000 miles away.
I am not a poor person nor incapable of making friends I have many long term friends all over the states. But there are places that need some education and diversity to crack open the tight box they live in. It is a full time job and thankless to get people to change their beliefs and sick view of freedom.

[Hypatia]

Jeez, what are you doing in a place like that? I live in Virginia and my name change cost a routine $34.

[cindybc]

Hi, Maybe I should not be here because I left high school wayyyyyy behind me as well as college. But since then I have been full time for 7 years and had the surgery 4 years ago.  I am 62 years old. My transitioning is pretty typical of most of the other posters I have read in different forum threads here. My experience of transitioning is nothing exceptional, maybe just a little weird.

I was really close to my mom and she was my best friend and confidant when I needed someone to talk to. Mom and I did a lot of stuff together through the years. The reason I mention this is that I have never felt like the gender I was presenting, although I didn't know why back then. My best friend for the duration of five years and I met in a wooded area behind the school during recess in public school, from 11 to 16 years of age.  Her name was Helen. Through the years I preferred the companionship of girls, either in a park or in a backyard soccer game..

In 1962  at the age of 16 or so,  I ran away from home to live in a hippie commune for a year and a half.  With my long hair that went down to just above the belt zone of ones pants, I passed rather well.  Everyone thought I was a girl and I never deprived them of that notion. For a year and a half I lived as a girl in that commune. When my stay ended I came back home.

Anyway, the reason I mention this is because, unbeknownst to me, the feelings, emotions, and perspectives on how I evaluated things, sensitivities,  and my mannerisms, were way different from the rest of the boys that I associated with back then but I did not know why I was different.  The female gender had been inborn all along and I thought it was time to make a beginning.  Somewhere where within me was my real gender, female, just waiting for the right time and place to happen.

Took from when I was 16 until I finally transitioned, a total of 39 years before I finally made my move.  What I am getting at here is that transitioning, coming-out full-time is definitely hardest and scariest thing that I experienced in my entire life. Having the guts to do it should merit a hero's badge of honor, an maybe for some an Oscar for best actress. My hat with the long plume is off to those that survived through transitioning, Cindy turns to the left and repeats the taking off the hat with the long plume and says. "Welcome to our students, to your new class room of Trannssexuality!"

I am a retired social worker and I was working at a social club for the mental health consumers when I came out. When I walked out of my apartment that day I acted much like the lady in  Harper Valley PTA:  bold and certain.  I kind of felt would be a good character to mimic for that first day at work as Cindy. Once I accepted and established who the inner self was and letting her surface I didnt not have to mimic anything.  I was surely myself with the traits and mannerisms that were inside of me all along.  They didn't waste time to surface.

My new self was actually a very upbeat person and was quite gifted at making people smile and laugh.

Maybe I'm way off the map here but I can only pray that someone got something out of it.

Cindy     
   

[lisagurl]

Jeez, what are you doing in a place like that?

I like a challenge.