What everybody calls dysphoria has always been worst for me in the summer time.
My desire to have a female body, wear female clothes, walk like a woman, act like a woman, be perceived as a woman is still strongest during that season.
This part of my feelings has not changed at all, I still feel the strong desire "to be like that" when I see any expression of femininity. But what I feel next, immediately after this longing and yearning, has changed so much that no description can do it justice.
Before my final decision to transition fully it had always left me sad, frustrated, envious and left out.
I knew that I had no real choice any more when I realized that it was only becoming worse and worse the longer I waited.
Now it is "I still can not believe I have really done it", "Yay!", pure bliss and happiness, "Where do I get those shoes?", "Can I pull off wearing this outfit?", and a little bit of "I wish I could have done this much earlier".
When I am wearing jeans and I see a woman who looks good in a skirt I think "Why on earth did't I put on a skirt this morning?" and vice versa, but this pain is quite sweet in comparison with the feeling of being excluded from my own life that I have always had before.
