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I want to be a girl.

Started by Annaiyah, October 12, 2015, 08:01:09 AM

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Annaiyah

I'm just making this thread to get my feelings out. If no one responds to this, fine. Although, I would like for others to weigh in on if or not you guys have similar feelings or experiences.

Anyway, I really do want to be a girl, as is the reason why I'm on my HRT and why I'm here in the first place. I hate that I wasn't born a genetic female, even though I'm transitioning now. I'm 25, started HRT at 23. I feel like I missed out on a lot in terms of experiencing some of the things as a female. After I finish my transition, I want to paint my bedroom pink and decorate it to look all girly... so I could have the bedroom I didn't get to have when I was younger. What also bothers me is that even after my transition, my body still won't function as that of a genetic female, which bothers the hell out of me because I want to carry and conceive my own children... without adoption or surrogacy. I also hate the fact that some bigoted cis people tend to thing transwomen are still men. I don't want to live under that scrutiny.

Some days I wish I were dead but I'm afraid to commit suicide. I did attempt suicide a few weeks or so ago. My genetic female friend talked me out of it. To be transgender, you have to be strong and have the emotional wherewithal to be able to put up with it, neither of which I have.
They say identity theft is a crime. Well, needless to say, a crime has been committed. My identity has been stolen. No, no one knows my social security number or has my credit card. I'm walking around in the wrong body. I'm wearing a costume which I cannot remove... and the only way I can remove that costume, is through surgery
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AshBear

Not too long ago I had to spend a week in a hospital after a suicide attempt, and if there's one thing I've realized it's that although I might not ever be able to be fully happy, I can still enjoy the little things. I'm only 16 so there's no way for me to transition by myself, and I live in the deep south so there's no way for me to be able to be who I need to be anyways. I've accepted that I'll probably have to live as a male for a long time before I can do anything. I'm in my second year of university as well, doing Electronics Tech so school is a whole other stress. Sometimes it's tough, but you just gotta learn to love what you got. I have an aunt that loves me, and a roof over my head which is more than some others.

Maybe I'm too young to know what I'm on about, but if you ask me, life is what you make of it.

(sorry for irrelevant posting)
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Sandy

Anna:

It's not that you want to be a girl.  You *are* a girl, not a man.  You're always been a girl.  And in time, I'm sure you'll have the body that your mind needs.

And what's stopping you from getting all girly in your bedroom anyway?  Enjoy!  Give yourself permission to live life on your terms.  If you want it pink, make it pink!  Or blue, or polkadots!

But, realize that many woman can never have children.  It is a terrible thing to endure, but that is all that can be done.  But there are so many unwanted children in the world.  Does your child have to have your DNA?  Would you love it any less?  If you raise a child, it will be yours for the rest of your life, so missing the first nine months or so of its life is nothing compared to spending twenty years raising it.

The term you are looking for about cicwomen is called TERF's Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists.  Not all cis people are like that.  In fact most are quite accepting, really.

You've probably heard the term "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".  It is.  Few of we trans people have been immune to the siren song of utter oblivion.  Be be strong, my sister.  We will help you be strong.

It is truly a life of color and joy on the other side of transition.  You will get there if you but persevere.

-Sandy
Out of the darkness, into the light.
Following my bliss.
I am complete...
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Laura_7

There is a saying nobody gets more than they can deal with...

Remember its a step by step process...
take the time you need, keep at it and take the next step...

have hope for the future...
science makes all kind of progress...
who knows what will be in a few years ?
There is already talk about artificial vaginas... etc...

concerning childern it can be a joy to be around them...
no matter if they are biological or not...
they grow up pretty fast anyways  :)


If you feel like it please reach out...
there are helplines, and they also have a chat:
http://glbthotline.org/hotline.html
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
http://translifeline.org
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awilliams1701

I generally have come to terms with being trans, but there are times I wish I was cis. I far more wish I would have transitioned in high school. I hate trying to catch up with being a girl. I feel like I missed a lot by waiting until 32 to come out. So yeah I definitely understand where you are coming from.
Ashley
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Laura_7

Quote from: awilliams1701 on October 14, 2015, 03:14:12 PM
I generally have come to terms with being trans, but there are times I wish I was cis. I far more wish I would have transitioned in high school. I hate trying to catch up with being a girl. I feel like I missed a lot by waiting until 32 to come out. So yeah I definitely understand where you are coming from.
Don't be sad. It were completely different times then.
Concerning sentiment and information, a lot has changed the last years imo.
Looking at gay marriages etc.

I'd say look forwards and use what is there now...


*hugs*
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awilliams1701

I'm generally not, its just hard to think about how different my life could have been. On T I NEEDED to isolate myself. I don't know why. On E that need is gone. The problem is I've been isolated for so long interacting with people is difficult at times.
Ashley
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Laura_7

Quote from: awilliams1701 on October 14, 2015, 03:37:45 PM
I'm generally not, its just hard to think about how different my life could have been. On T I NEEDED to isolate myself. I don't know why. On E that need is gone. The problem is I've been isolated for so long interacting with people is difficult at times.

I fell like the last months people are more open and positive...
some are even helpful...
if we change our expectations that sometimes has an influence on our behaviour and and how we are perceived...

you might try (within reason  :) )...


*hugs*
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SarahMarie1987

Hi there. (waves shyly)

I haven't started transitioned yet. I do absolutely want to. But much like the original poster (and a few others), I have squashed myself by doing bad things to myself. For example, I repress so many feelings I have about things that have happened to me.

However I have started therapy to help move away from these bad habits that hurt myself. I told my therapist the other night, that we are a lot like houses. Our foundations* need to be built upon solid ground in order to build up a good strong house. For my own journey, I need to tear down the foundation that I have in order to start a new house for myself. Which would be transitioning to being Sarah in both body and soul.

But, if I am being realistic with myself it is going to take a lot of time and a lot of effort to re-do my foundation. But, and here is some cheesy advice, if anything worthwhile is being undertaken in our lives it is going to be hard. Because the things that really matter and that are right are worth going through the bad days for.

Sarah

* My foundation is built on that my birth mother abandoned me as an infant. And since that foundation was built, I have done my hardest to keep myself from getting hurt like that again. So I used to repress everything about me that was right and true to who I am. But I am slowly making my way to being me.
"I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes"- Pink
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SarahMarie1987

Quote from: awilliams1701 on October 14, 2015, 03:37:45 PM
I'm generally not, its just hard to think about how different my life could have been. On T I NEEDED to isolate myself. I don't know why. On E that need is gone. The problem is I've been isolated for so long interacting with people is difficult at times.

I totally understand and emphasize with you isolating yourself. I am sorry you've felt you had to hide away makes you, well, you.

P.S. I really like your hair in your profile picture. It's awesome!!
"I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes"- Pink
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CarlyMcx

Quote from: awilliams1701 on October 14, 2015, 03:14:12 PM
I generally have come to terms with being trans, but there are times I wish I was cis. I far more wish I would have transitioned in high school. I hate trying to catch up with being a girl. I feel like I missed a lot by waiting until 32 to come out. So yeah I definitely understand where you are coming from.

You missed a lot?  Sheez, I'm 52.
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awilliams1701

Thanks. The picture is about a month old, but I just got it redone today. She put something in it that makes it feel as good as it looks.

Quote from: SarahMarie1987 on October 14, 2015, 04:25:54 PM
I totally understand and emphasize with you isolating yourself. I am sorry you've felt you had to hide away makes you, well, you.

P.S. I really like your hair in your profile picture. It's awesome!!
Ashley
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Annaiyah






Quote from: Sandy on October 12, 2015, 07:40:08 PMBut, realize that many woman can never have children.  It is a terrible thing to endure, but that is all that can be done.  But there are so many unwanted children in the world.  Does your child have to have your DNA?  Would you love it any less?  If you raise a child, it will be yours for the rest of your life, so missing the first nine months or so of its life is nothing compared to spending twenty years raising it.

Please stop telling me that. I know you're trying to help but reminding me that cis women (some of them anyway) can't have children doesn't assist in making me feel any better about it. If I were paid a dollar for every time someone told me that there are cis women who cannot menstruate or have children, my transition would be finished right now. That's how sick I am of being told that.

Also, I said as clear as day in the OP that I didn't want to adopt or go through a surrogate, so yes. I would want my child to come out of my body (and no one else's) and to share my and my baby daddy's flesh, blood, and DNA. I'm not harvesting my sperm. I want my child to also be a girl.

Quote from: Sandy on October 12, 2015, 07:40:08 PMAnd what's stopping you from getting all girly in your bedroom anyway?  Enjoy!  Give yourself permission to live life on your terms.  If you want it pink, make it pink!  Or blue, or polkadots!

I would happily take that advice if I weren't living under Section 8 subsidized housing.

Conception and menstruation is something I really want to experience. I want to be born female and be 100% female, full XX chromosomes and all, and to be raised as a girl. And if any cis women are looking at this post, please spare me your "Why would you want to have periods? Having periods hurt," rants. That also does not help me... except in making me angrier. In fact, I'd trade being transgender and the stress that comes with it for heavy menstruation cramps and labor pains, hands down.

The prospect of never getting to experience any of those things is enough to make me want to commit suicide. This is why I hope that reincarnation is a thing. When I die, I don't want to go to Heaven or to Hell. I want to come back to Earth and be a girl and have the 20+ years of my life that was wasting being something I'm not. I know that's for the religion section of this board but... ... ... I don't know, that's just where I am. I don't really want to die, much less kill myself, it's just that this is so unfair and I want to go then come back and start over.

I wish I wasn't born because my existence feels like a waste. I'm alive physically but this isn't living, I'm just merely existing. I feel like the years keep going by and that'll be another year of my life wasting being somebody I'm not and another that i want back. After I complete my transition, I'm still a girl, not a woman. I don't want to be done transitioning in my 30s for that reason. I'm like a teenage girl in a 25 year old's body who's had her life coercively taken from her.

Hopefully reincarnation is a thing, much more choosing who I'll be, and if I'm lucky enough to have both of those scenerios I am NEVER being trans again. I'm just being female in all my subsequent incarnations.
They say identity theft is a crime. Well, needless to say, a crime has been committed. My identity has been stolen. No, no one knows my social security number or has my credit card. I'm walking around in the wrong body. I'm wearing a costume which I cannot remove... and the only way I can remove that costume, is through surgery
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Mallory

Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on October 16, 2015, 10:58:32 AM




Please stop telling me that. I know you're trying to help but reminding me that cis women (some of them anyway) can't have children doesn't assist in making me feel any better about it. If I were paid a dollar for every time someone told me that there are cis women who cannot menstruate or have children, my transition would be finished right now. That's how sick I am of being told that.

Also, I said as clear as day in the OP that I didn't want to adopt or go through a surrogate, so yes. I would want my child to come out of my body (and no one else's) and to share my and my baby daddy's flesh, blood, and DNA. I'm not harvesting my sperm. I want my child to also be a girl.

I would happily take that advice if I weren't living under Section 8 subsidized housing.

Conception and menstruation is something I really want to experience. I want to be born female and be 100% female, full XX chromosomes and all, and to be raised as a girl. And if any cis women are looking at this post, please spare me your "Why would you want to have periods? Having periods hurt," rants. That also does not help me... except in making me angrier. In fact, I'd trade being transgender and the stress that comes with it for heavy menstruation cramps and labor pains, hands down.

The prospect of never getting to experience any of those things is enough to make me want to commit suicide. This is why I hope that reincarnation is a thing. When I die, I don't want to go to Heaven or to Hell. I want to come back to Earth and be a girl and have the 20+ years of my life that was wasting being something I'm not. I know that's for the religion section of this board but... ... ... I don't know, that's just where I am. I don't really want to die, much less kill myself, it's just that this is so unfair and I want to go then come back and start over.

I wish I wasn't born because my existence feels like a waste. I'm alive physically but this isn't living, I'm just merely existing. I feel like the years keep going by and that'll be another year of my life wasting being somebody I'm not and another that i want back. After I complete my transition, I'm still a girl, not a woman. I don't want to be done transitioning in my 30s for that reason. I'm like a teenage girl in a 25 year old's body who's had her life coercively taken from her.

Hopefully reincarnation is a thing, much more choosing who I'll be, and if I'm lucky enough to have both of those scenerios I am NEVER being trans again. I'm just being female in all my subsequent incarnations.

I think the first time I cried myself to sleep and hoped and prayed that reincarnation was real was when I was around 15 or 16.  I wore tight fitting bell bottom blue jeans and tight shirts, long hair, I was something else for a male teenager.  Had I transitioned then I'd be a bombshell, but I haven't lost all hope 15 years later. 

I started transitioning at 30 and I'm 2 months and 2 weeks into HRT.  I definitely relate to feeling hopeless and like we wasted so many years due to social structures and the people around us being jaded or inept at understanding what was truly wrong with us and what we really needed.

But you know what?  That's okay.  You're 25 and you'll be done before you hit 30.  Me?  I'll be done at around 35 and if I'm lucky I'll have maybe 10 good years of playtime before it's game over.  You'll have 15-20!  So consider yourself very fortunate to have had the realization come to you far sooner than it did me (although I knew what I wanted to be at 10, circumstance wouldn't have it). 

The irony is that there's someone out there that's 45 or even 50 that's transitioning right now and they're partying it up.  My advice?  Be true to yourself and know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. :)
Carpe diem.



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Punzie

I can totally relate to the whole feeling about missing your true gender's childhood and wanting to do things like making your room pink and girly.

When I went to Disneyland this summer my mom let me buy souvenirs by myself for once and I stumbled upon an authentic Rapunzel Doll. Just buying the doll felt so liberating. I always wanted to play with dolls and accessorize them when I was little and although it may seem quite ridiculous to most people, its incredibly calming. Just by doing little things that we weren't able to do in our childhood because of forced gender sterotypes makes a huge difference. It really helps fill in some of the internal gaps of one's gender identity they weren't able to express growing up.
My Journey
9/1/2015 Fully accepted myself as Transgender
9/24/2015 First Therapy Session with Therapist
9/25/2015 Joined Susan's Place
2/?/2016 ~ Hopefully starting HRT!
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