Hello, I've been reading these forums for awhile now, and finally feel like I need to get some stuff off my chest.
I Have always felt like something wasn't right about me, I never liked roughhousing, I always thought i would rather be the princess than the prince in fairy tales, so its not a new idea to me that I identify as a woman.
Throughout school I never really had friends, I felt like I didn't really fit in and I really did not want to draw attention to myself. Up until about age fourteen I suppressed what I already knew ( I really wish i would have just been open then and got on hormone blockers before puberty).
However when i got into high school I really started feeling depressed, that I'd never be happy or be loved, each year school just got less appealing for me, and I started having suicidal thoughts, I coped with these by self-harming and throwing myself into online games where I could be myself with the veil of anonymity (one of which i have played over 400 days worth of time) and ease of making and dressing up female characters.
In my last year of high school my mental state deteriorated significantly, my ways of coping really were not having any effect and in early December I really started planning on how to end it. But then on a really bad day I thought to myself "I should at least try and tell someone who I am." So I told my sister (who is two years older than I am) and she had a positive reaction to the gender related stuff, and a rather negative reaction to the self harm and suicidal thoughts. I felt a little better about it having told someone, but I still didn't have the courage to take steps towards solving it. By the end of my last year of school my high 90's average's had dropped to the 50's because i really just didn't see the point in trying. In June my mother found a bloody razor blade in my room and stopped pestering me about skipping so much class, but I really wish she would have pressed me more on why.
Since then I've turned 18 and am taking a year off schooling because I really don't like what it drove me to, but I still have this gender dysphoria, but I really don't know how to approach my mother about it, and I still waver on if I want to transition because of my fear of having people look at me, I feel like I couldn't pass because of my height (6ft) or face. I also live in a smaller town of Saskatchewan where there's no gender related therapists, and I don't even know how I would talk to a therapist about this (I've never been to therapy for anything) when I have such difficulty bringing it up to my mother who is very accepting and I'm very close to.
So I made this account because I feel like I'm on the path to unhappiness and suicide but I don't know how to leave this and accept myself for who I am, every day I wait I feel like it gets harder to make the choice, more body hair, growing taller, ect, but every time I think about making the first step I think I'm already too late to be able to get to a place I can be happy with.
That's about it for why I'm here, I really felt I needed to say this to someone and I've always felt more comfortable being honest and open when I'm anonymous on the internet.
