Hello, I've been reading these forums for awhile now, and finally feel like I need to get some stuff off my chest.

   I Have always felt like something wasn't right about me, I never liked roughhousing, I always thought i would rather be the princess than the prince in fairy tales, so its not a new idea to me that I identify as a woman.

Throughout school I never really had friends, I felt like I didn't really fit in and I really did not want to draw attention to myself. Up until about age fourteen I suppressed what I already knew ( I really wish i would have just been open then and got on hormone blockers before puberty).

  However when i got into high school I really started feeling depressed, that I'd never be happy or be loved, each year school just got less appealing for me, and I started having suicidal thoughts, I coped with these by self-harming and throwing myself into online games where I could be myself with the veil of anonymity (one of which i have played over 400 days worth of time) and ease of making and dressing up female characters.

   In my last year of high school my mental state deteriorated significantly, my ways of coping really were not having any effect and in early December I really started planning on how to end it. But then on a really bad day I thought to myself "I should at least try and tell someone who I am." So I told my sister (who is two years older than I am) and she had a positive reaction to the gender related stuff, and a rather negative reaction to the self harm and suicidal thoughts. I felt a little better about it having told someone, but I still didn't have the courage to take steps towards solving it. By the end of my last year of school my high 90's average's had dropped to the 50's because i really just didn't see the point in trying. In June my mother found a bloody razor blade in my room and stopped pestering me about skipping so much class, but I really wish she would have pressed me more on why.

   Since then I've turned 18 and am taking a year off schooling because I really don't like what it drove me to, but I still have this gender dysphoria, but I really don't know how to approach my mother about it, and I still waver on if I want to transition because of my fear of having people look at me, I feel like I couldn't pass because of my height (6ft) or face. I also live in a smaller town of Saskatchewan where there's no gender related therapists, and I don't even know how I would talk to a therapist about this (I've never been to therapy for anything) when I have such difficulty bringing it up to my mother who is very accepting and I'm very close to.

   So I made this account because I feel like I'm on the path to unhappiness and suicide but I don't know how to leave this and accept myself for who I am, every day I wait I feel like it gets harder to make the choice, more body hair, growing taller, ect, but every time I think about making the first step I think I'm already too late to be able to get to a place I can be happy with.

   That's about it for why I'm here, I really felt I needed to say this to someone and I've always felt more comfortable being honest and open when I'm anonymous on the internet.

Hi Alice,
I've been where you are hon, I survived major depression since I was a very young and waited longer than I should have to face my female self. I'm now 32 and I started hrt last month, honestly it is the best thing I have ever done for myself.
You have taken the first step by coming here
The next step is to find counseling with a gender therapist, a good therapist should be able to give you advice on how to broach the subject with your mother and help you with your dysphoria.
I wish you all the best with your transition.
Hugs,
Sarah

Hi Alice and Welcome to Susan's,

Well young lady, thoughts of suicide are not the way to go. You have a fantastic life ahead of you as the person you should be. I know it all looks dark at the moment but it can and does get better.

I know - I was checking out how to walk in front of a train and then decided to meet a gender therapist. It saved not only my life but has allowed me to be incredibly happy.

Yes it can be tough but you have lots of sister here to help.
Now post away with all of your questions, and join in some of the games and have some fun.

You are among family now and we do know how you feel.



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Welcome to Susan's Place. I am 6'2" and there are some on this site you will meet who are taller than me. My therapist said I would never pass as a female but yet my surgery date was 1982 and I have never regretted becoming a woman. Medical care was so limited when I transitioned I had to move 400 miles away from home for treatment. Now doctors will do therapy over the internet with Skype. It is far simpler for you to transition that it was for me but you face the same problem I did. I reached to point of suicide at age 23 and that forced me to come out and start working on the transition. You are younger in a more accepting world with the resources to make it happen in far less time than it took me. Take the first step and talk to your mother. After that we can help you with information and ideas.

Many of us had stories much like yours where we felt we couldn't transition for one reason or another but many of the success stories that are told here started out where you are now.

Hi Alice 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Alice

Thankyou for sharing your story. Please don't give up on your happiness. You are so young, there is a lot of life ahead for you. If you decide to transition then you are lucky to start so young. I started hormones early this year at age 33. And it took a lot of energy for me to forgive myself for not going through with it at your age when I could have, for being too scared.

I don't know your mother but I'm sure she will be fine with it. When my mum realised how much it hurt for me to be called 'he' everyday and how sad I was, and that essentially I would either live as a woman or not at all she was very supportive. Parents just want there children to be healthy, happy and alive. Everything else becomes insignificant if any of those things are threatened. 

Transitioning isn't easy but it makes life better. If that's what you want to do just figure out what you need to do to make it happen in the best way for you and your situation. One step at a time is always good.

Take care lovely

Bay xxx

   Thank you all for the welcoming messages, and perspectives on where I am and what steps to take next. I still have a lot of thoughts and questions, that I'll hopefully be able to put out there soon, and Hopefully work up the nerve to take the next step to come out to my mother, it just feels like there's never a good time to bring up the subject in everyday life.

It's true. There never really is a good time. I planned to tell my parents a few times and I just didn't have the courage. Eventually though it became too hard to keep in and it just came out one day while we were all standing in the kitchen 

Think about what you want to say and how you want to express it and what you want your mother to understand. I think planning is important because if you are like me you will end up just rambling if you don't put thought into it beforehand.

If you look on the Wiki section of this website under 'Friends and Family' there's an article about talking to your parents. Maybe you've already seen it. It might be helpful but you probably already know what will be the best approach. And have faith in your mother, our biggest fears usually never turn out to be true. xxx