Moving in with Parents as Daughter

[Anna33]

Wow girl, you are corageous. And it's wonderful that, despite what you had to go through, now you all can be together and have a wonderful family time.

I refuse to have sex preop, because I don't use what I have, and anal sex isn't fun. Feels gay. Doesn't make me feel like a woman, just like a gay guy. Gross.

This made me laugh. Hey, that's exit-only for me too! haha. Totally know how you feel. I've only been with women. Not atracted to men or anal in the slightest :/

[Laura_7]

I refuse to have sex preop, because I don't use what I have, and anal sex isn't fun. Feels gay. Doesn't make me feel like a woman, just like a gay guy. Gross.

Well women have anal sex too.
There are very pleasurable spots there which can be stimulated.
Its just necessary to take it slow and use enough lube.


hugs

[kittenpower]

Ok. So, here is my life situation. I've had a series of unfortunate events that have led me to abandon my life, and start fresh. I've started fresh before, but this will be unlike my other attempts to wipe the slate clean. This time, I'll be living with my parents.

I started living full-time as Jessica in 2003. My parents severely disapproved. Following advice from their pastor, they allowed me to be homeless. I lived in a dumpster for a few months while I saved for my first apartment. I eventually got on my feet and built a life for myself. That life was great. I had adventures. I was young, smart, pretty. I was making huge transition strides. Had a surgery. Change my name and gender on all my documents. Then life happened. I had a job working 50 hours per week. I got a second job so I could get insurance, to help me FINALLY get SRS.

I moved into a house, and started making plans. Thigs deteriorated quickly. My truck broke down 4 times from 4 different issues before failing completely. Losing my truck, cost me my good job. My new house was also a trap. The previous occupants had an outstanding bill for utilities, and now they won't service my home unless their name is off the lease. They also had bedbugs which ruined my furniture.

So now here I am, been living 8 months without power or water, in a house infested with bedbugs. I sleep on an air mattress on my kitchen table where bthey can't bite me.

Now. Back to my parents.

I've been Jessica for 13 years. My mom and I would correspond via email once a year or so. There were a few times where we didn't speak for 3-4 years. My grandparents were 100% supportive of my transition from day one, so me and my parents just used them for communication, rather than speaking to eachother directly.

Nana (my grandma) was so wonderful to me. She'd buy me pretty jewelry or ugly old lady clothes. It didn't matter. It was the thought. It showed she genuinely cared. She and my grandfather took me to get my name to get my legal name change, took me to TG support groups and doctors visits for horomones. They arranged for my mother to meet me for an hour or two while she was in town. That was in 2005. That was the last time I saw my mother in person.

When Nana died, I was forbidden to attend the funeral by my parents. I was livid. I held a grudge over that for years. Nana was ... Nana was amazing. I couldn't have asked for more. God I miss her.

After that, I quit talking to them entirely. Went years without speaking. I was damned angry. Who wouldn't be? I'm a redhead, so I got extra angry, but I digress.

2 months ago, I emailed my grandfather, and CC'd her email address so she would get an update that at least I'm ok. Then the tables turned on me.

My mom unloaded her guilt on me. She felt horrible for what she and my dad put me through. She asked for my phone number and we began to talk over the phone for the first time since they made me homeless. She wept. She cried and I won't lie. I did too. Now she is a changed woman. She learned that "hey, this Jessica chick is a way better daughter than a son ". I was a miserable male. Violent. Angry. Mean tempered. Depressed. All that. She hears my bubbly excited voice (which I have a woman's voice) so it's almost like her son died, but the twin daughter lives on. She also has now educated herself on the subject of transsexualism. She feels bad for me, and regrets I was robbed of life in this way. Now she is excited for my SRS. She is going with me when I get it. Her exact words were, and I quote, "When you wake up from surgery, I'll be there next to your bed, smiling at you". I cried again. Hard. That effed me up. I had grown so cold. It's been 10 years since I've seen her. 14 years since I've seen my dad, but apparently he too has grown accustomed to telling people about his two daughters (I have a sister).  He calls me Jessica even.

Sounds good right?

Too good. I have many worries moving there. Like I said, my living situation sucks. I can't stay here. It's unsuitable for human habitation. I need a fresh start there. I would also be spending Xmas and thanksgiving with them, which has its own appeal. I've spent Xmas alone for a decade.

I'm afraid though. Sure my dad tells mom that he supports me, and he probably does. But. He's never actually met me. I haven't seen him since 2001, and I was a soldier, Army Ranger no less. Neither he, nor my mother ACTUALLY know me. I'm a stranger to them both. 14 years is a long time. I went full-time as Jessica and never saw them again.

Now here I am, a complete stranger, and we will be living together next month. This will come with stipulations.

1. I am not allowed to date men until postop. I refuse to have sex preop, because I don't use what I have, and anal sex isn't fun. Feels gay. Doesn't make me feel like a woman, just like a gay guy. Gross. So that rule is fine. No dating. Got it.

2. No drinking. I like wine, but I'm no wino. Easily done.

3. No friends over to the house. Eh, I won't have any when I get there, but I suspect I will make a few. I'd still obey the rules.

4. Church is mandatory, and women wear dresses to church. I didn't transition for the clothes. I wear them every now and then, and sure I look very pretty in them, but I don't like how exposed I feel being preop in a dress. I hate it actually. I use tight pants to help me tuck. Dresses offer no such support. I like a pretty dress, but I wear them on my terms. Wearing them every Sunday morning sounds awful, and I despise church. That's the last place I want to wear a dress.

Rules man. Living with strangers as a 33 year old woman with teenage rules. Doesn't sound great, but I guess it's better than the 3rd World conditions I live in now.

Anyway. I'm super conflicted about this issue. I'm scared. Terrified actually.

What are your thoughts?

Well you have to do what you have to do, but from what you've said, it sounds like it could turn into a negative experience in a few months, so moving out ASAP would probably be beneficial.  It's a recipe for disaster when someone holds power over you; you're 33, do you really want someone making rules and demanding that you go to church and follow a dress code.   

[Jessynecessity]

Well women have anal sex too.
There are very pleasurable spots there which can be stimulated.
Its just necessary to take it slow and use enough lube.


hugs

Anal has never been fun for me. I have tried enough to know that there's no happiness to be found there. I always end up wanting my guy inside me, but once he's there I want him out. Immediately. Once I have SRS everything will change. Maybe it won't. For now, I have to be single. Nobody wants a girlfriend that won't put out. That's why I've been single 32 out of 33 years of living. It's a lonely, depressing place to be. Especially when you've been a woman your entire adult life. It's frustrating and depressing. I want to be pregnant so bad it hurts. It's not fair. I wanna be a momma. All of transition is nearly pointless. I'll never be a momma. Just thinking about it makes me want to die. I'm going to stop thinking about it now. Bye.


<comment removed,please there is no reason to insult people's sexual preference>
Take this as  a warning
Cindy

[Anna33]

Aww why not? You can adopt a child like anybody else. Hugsss


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[Jessynecessity]

. Anal has never been fun for me. I have tried enough to know that there's no happiness to be found there. I always end up wanting my guy inside me, but once he's there I want him out. Immediately. Once I have SRS everything will change. Maybe it won't. For now, I have to be single. Nobody wants a girlfriend that won't put out. That's why I've been single 32 out of 33 years of living. It's a lonely, depressing place to be. Especially when you've been a woman your entire adult life. It's frustrating and depressing. I want to be pregnant so bad it hurts. It's not fair. I wanna be a momma. All of transition is nearly pointless. I'll never be a momma. Just thinking about it makes me want to die. I'm going to stop thinking about it now. Bye.

It's not the same. Also. Single women cannot adopt. Ain't nobody gonna want to raise a family with me. There's almost no point in existence at all except getting drunk and stoned and numbing any emotional pains. I'm so tired of everything. So tired. I don't feel joy in anything I do. Life is lame. I'm an awesome person, or at least I think I am. I'm so lonely. All I want is a family. A normal life. I'd be an awesome mom. It's bull->-bleeped-<-. I'm tired of giving a damn.

[iKate]

Aww why not? You can adopt a child like anybody else. Hugsss


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It's not the same. Trust me that kills me too that I can't be pregnant and carry a child.

[Jessynecessity]

It's not the same. Trust me that kills me too that I can't be pregnant and carry a child.

It's a unique pain. All my friends are pregnant or moms already. They ask me when I'm having one, and I'm tired of giving effing excuses. I'm tired of lying. Tired of pretending. Tired.

I. Am. Freaking. Tired.

Also depressed.

I'd trade my flat sexy belly for stretch marks, yesterday.

[Cindy]

Many of us feel this. I wish......

But then I just cry.

[Anna33]

I know your pain. I will never be preggers either but its not the only way to experience the joy of raising a little family thats all im saying.  x


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[Jessynecessity]

Many of us feel this. I wish......

But then I just cry.

Been crying all morning. I'm f***ed up right now.

[Claire]

The talk of pregnancy cane up the other day with my therapist. I told her about the oft mentioned 2 pill/button question of which would you take one that made you a woman and no one would remember you otherwise or the second that made you forget all this and be comfortable male. I'd take the first. BUT were there a third that would make you pregnant and a future mom but everyone would question if you were a woman and never really pass, I would in LESS than a heartbeat take the third. When my wife and I were younger, I wanted a baby and she didn't. She agreed reluctantly to try. Ultimately it didn't work out. If I could have done it I would. As much as I'd like being a parent, what I REALLY, REALLY wanted was to be a mom with all that means.


Dori.

[Jessynecessity]

The talk of pregnancy cane up the other day with my therapist. I told her about the oft mentioned 2 pill/button question of which would you take one that made you a woman and no one would remember you otherwise or the second that made you forget all this and be comfortable male. I'd take the first. BUT were there a third that would make you pregnant and a future mom but everyone would question if you were a woman and never really pass, I would in LESS than a heartbeat take the third. When my wife and I were younger, I wanted a baby and she didn't. She agreed reluctantly to try. Ultimately it didn't work out. If I could have done it I would. As much as I'd like being a parent, what I REALLY, REALLY wanted was to be a mom with all that means.


Dori.

I'd take the 3rd. No question about it.

[Paige]

Hi Jessy,

My sister-in-law has tried for years to get pregnant.  She's gone through multiple surgeries, miscarriages, in vitro, tried everything pretty much.  Now she's in her 40s and resigned herself to not having kids but still feels the pain.  She never wanted to adopt.   This sort of thing happens much more often then you would think.  This is why there's such a large industry helping women get pregnant.  Unfortunately many don't.   Seems to me that what she's gone through is very similar to the feelings you expressed.

I would have loved to have given birth but that's probably not going to happen now that I'm in my fifities but who knows what science will come up with.  Transgender people already drew the worst cards in the deck, I guess this is just another one of those pains.

One thing I do wonder is if stimulating milk production would help ease this feeling.  In that process oxytocin is released that's a very calming hormone.  Anyway maybe just a crazy idea.

Take care,
Paige

[Jessynecessity]

Hi Jessy,

My sister-in-law has tried for years to get pregnant.  She's gone through multiple surgeries, miscarriages, in vitro, tried everything pretty much.  Now she's in her 40s and resigned herself to not having kids but still feels the pain.  She never wanted to adopt.   This sort of thing happens much more often then you would think.  This is why there's such a large industry helping women get pregnant.  Unfortunately many don't.   Seems to me that what she's gone through is very similar to the feelings you expressed.

I would have loved to have given birth but that's probably not going to happen now that I'm in my fifities but who knows what science will come up with.  Transgender people already drew the worst cards in the deck, I guess this is just another one of those pains.

One thing I do wonder is if stimulating milk production would help ease this feeling.  In that process oxytocin is released that's a very calming hormone.  Anyway maybe just a crazy idea.

Take care,
Paige

I've never done any drug but weed. At this point I don't care. Oxycontin doesn't sound too bad right now tho.

[kittenpower]

I'm an awesome person, or at least I think I am. I'm so lonely. All I want is a family. A normal life. I'd be an awesome mom. It's bull->-bleeped-<-. I'm tired of giving a damn.

Sorry to be blunt, but from your posts you seem to be a very judging (you hate trans people, etc., wtf), negative, egotistical, and narcissistic person. You might want to work on those things if you want a significant other in your life.

[KristinaM]

Sorry to be blunt, but from your posts you seem to be a very judging (you hate trans people, etc., wtf), negative, egotistical, and narcissistic person. You might want to work on those things if you want a significant other in your life.

Possibly the absolute lack of sex hormones in her system that you're picking up on.  Menopause makes women crazy! 

[Paige]

I've never done any drug but weed. At this point I don't care. Oxycontin doesn't sound too bad right now tho.

Hi Jessy,

Oxytocin not Oxycontin, oxytocin is a chemical released by the brain while breastfeeding.

Paige

[Jessynecessity]

Sorry to be blunt, but from your posts you seem to be a very judging (you hate trans people, etc., wtf), negative, egotistical, and narcissistic person. You might want to work on those things if you want a significant other in your life.

I am very guilty of being judgemetal. I have high standards of humanity and myself. I judge myself as harshly as the next.

I don't hate anyone. Well actually I hate 2 people, but  they earned my hate. I don't hate trans, I just resent being one. It's not a source of pride for me. I don't wave that flag proudly, I stuffed it under a mattress where I don't have to be constantly reminded. Hate is the wrong word friend. As I've stated before on this forum, I pity TG people. I wouldn't wish this on the 2 people that I do hate.

I don't think I'm egotistical. I have pride in my accomplishments, but that's pretty normal I think.

Anger. I have an anger problem and loads of depression. Also nobody here knows me. I only came here for TG specific help, and a place to vent on the topic. If I hated y'all, why would I bother coming here? No. I don't hate anyone but myself. That's the God honest truth. I am my own worst enemy.

[Jessynecessity]

Possibly the absolute lack of sex hormones in her system that you're picking up on.  Menopause makes women crazy! 

This REALLY doesn't help either. I have gone over the deep end since stopping.

Also my living situation is grim. No power or water for 8 months, cold as hell in my house. Bedbugs have me sleeping on my kitchen table, etc. It is really depressing. There's many reasons why I've been so miserable the past couple years and no horomones ain't doin me any favors.