Accepted that I am trans, but decided not to do anything about it...

[Amy85]

Thank you for sharing your story, Bev. It was helpful and I appreciate it

[Gertrude]

The only solution is to come out and be happy.  To destroy yourself to make someone else happy in order to cling to liveing in a sad Co dependant spiral that really just wastes years of both your lives.

I have read this same sad tale thread after thread.  This Co dependant fence  sitting has got to be the saddest trans narrative going.

Be out be proud there is no other solution.

There's a lot of truth to that. For some, it will get to the point where you can't hide from yourself anymore. The true self wants to emerge and she won't listen to reason either and she shouldn't. At 53, I find I can't handle hiding it as well. The armor/beard/cloak (beard as a reference to a lavender marriage) cannot be maintained anymore. It's like a weight on my back that is trying to bury me. If someone can't or won't allow you to be your true self, then may be you are better off without them in the long run, as painful as that is or would be. Look up Donald Winnicott. He was the first to really identify what I think is the root of all addiction and anti-social problems in our society and that is that people can't be themselves, their true selves. In the case of trans people, it's in the extreme. Living a lie sucks.

[WaterGirl]

   I want to thank everyone who offered feedback in this thread, whether it was the kind of response I was hoping to hear or not. I have asked this type of question before and the overwhelming response is always that sooner or later dysphoria will overwhelm me and I will have to do something. I know this is the case with most transgender people who supress their feelings to live a normal life but I have to hold out hope that I have what it takes to get by in the hard times. If I do anything further than occasional private dressing, as in come out or start hormones, I will end up losing my girlfriend (the woman I plan to marry in the not so distant future) and my chance at having the family with her that I want more than anything. So the plan is to strive on and weather the storm using tricks like distractions and private dressing and occasional bouts of body hair removal (as hard as it is with these manly hormones of mine :/). I hope I have the strength to hold it off indefinately, but every time I hear a story of someone who failed and had to transition anyways scares me. It is my hope that there are a decent number of people who are successful in non-transitioning and therefore don't spend time on support sites such as these to provide their experiences. Maybe my dysphoria won't get worse. Maybe I am not as bad off as most people you hear about. I have to hope for something like this, because I won't give up the wife and family I want. I won't give up my future without one hell of a fight.

Oh, buddy/sweetie whatever,
I'm right there too. Please know your future is YOUR future. I just acknowledged that to my wife last night, by coming out. I will most likely continue to present as M but the future will be what it is. You will make it so. I'm scared shirtless too...
TG doesn't mean suddenly you're 100% F so ease into it?! My plan, at least!
How do you know you will lose her?
GD doesn't "get worse." It is, or isn't.
Hang in there, and to thine own self be true. Only took me a couple of decades.
Best wishes

[Oliviah]

This made me cry but its true. I'm in this situation now.  I want to come out, but don't want to destroy my wife, family, relationships, upset my kids, sell house, divorce. Right nwo I try to do the 3D's as mentioned above and stay busy, though everything I see reminds me I want to be whole. Some days its easy thanks to 3D's but other days... not so easy. I have lots of time  on my hands today, so its a Not so easy day.

It sucks destroying your life for sure. 

[Tommi]

This made me cry but its true. I'm in this situation now.  I want to come out, but don't want to destroy my wife, family, relationships, upset my kids, sell house, divorce. Right nwo I try to do the 3D's as mentioned above and stay busy, though everything I see reminds me I want to be whole. Some days its easy thanks to 3D's but other days... not so easy. I have lots of time  on my hands today, so its a Not so easy day.

I'm there too!  Not sure whether to pursue transitioning or not.  I WANT to, but I want my wife and kids and I know I'll lose her, she's said as much.  The kids, I don't know but fear the worst.

[in.Chains]

As others have suggested, keeping busy is the best possible way to fight off dysphoria; for me that meant lots of work, working out, and time on hobbies such as cars. Ultimately however it wasn't enough, and I have since transitioned.

Allow me to give you some advice though, because if you're anything like me, and most trans people I would imagine, the dysphoria simply won't end, and will not just disappear. Putting your life on hold and putting aside your feelings for the sake of a relationship is NOT healthy. At the end of the day, a relationship is about loving and supporting each other for the people you both truly are, and if someone in the relationship is sacrificing a large part of themselves just to maintain the relationship, it simply won't end well. I've learned that from experience. I've also learned that the world is vast, and with 7 billion people on it, you will certainly find the right person that will accept you wholly, and you will be thankful for that.

[JoanneB]

It sucks destroying your life for sure.

As both my wife and therapist CONSTANTLY reminded me... "Who appointed you God?"

TBH - I have a very poor track record on predicting the future (or possible futures) for me, myself, much less success in actually being able to control the future. Perhaps my arrogance born out of mostly accurate predictions of "We're Doomed" in work situations?

This week my therapist and I were talking about past and future, the good parts, the bad ones, and scary ones. One thing I had to say that I still find amazing is how back almost seven years with my world in Slo-Mo explosion mode between loosing my job as VP of Engineering, almost total friction between my wife and I, Her health starting it's collapse, no job prospects at all due to the economy in free fall, eventually finding a position some 350 miles away essentially having to sell my soul to the devil since it was an industry I am very uncomfortable working in, and totally alone isolated, too much free time on my hands both in and out of work where even there running at 10% capacity I was 3 steps ahead of "The Team" during our hours of useless meetings. All this eventually leading to the GD totally consuming me as the root cause for pretty much all the major disasters of my life because of how I was Not Handling it, as in the 3Ds. Never had I even dreamed or could possibly imagine what life is like today. All the positive things that have happened. How much better and happier of a person I am. A person that actually knows what joy is along with the entire spectrum of human emotions.

Six years ago after dropping the T-Bomb my world did end as I knew it. Thankfully that world ended.

The world I reside in now is far from ideal but whose is? I would love to be full-time to feel 100% genuine. The risk to the 'Us' (since my wife is still along for this roller-coaster ride) is too high between her health and our current financial situation. Thankfully I do Need to go full time to survive between HRT (apparently very important for my emotional health) my TG support group, working back in a totally fun and always challenging job (OK some to maybe too many D's?), back 'home' living with my wife who is supportive to a point, loves me more then ever before thanks to all the personal growth I've undergone while becoming a 'Real' person, and being able to look in the mirror every morning and seeing Joanne glowing back. I dread the days when all I can see is "The Sad Old Man" no matter what my presentation is.

[Ms DeeDee]

Amy, I cried after reading your story.  I truly hope you can find a way through this maze.  I found many of the responses here helpful, I also found this related thread helpful.

. . .
However, my wife is very worried about my income and career (self employed attorney) and she will not let me come out in public.

. . .

Therapy and low dose hormones are in my near term future, but beyond that, the only way I can go farther is to somehow assure my career and income stream first.  It is unfortunate, but it is what it is.

I have my stealthy little things I do, like shaving off body hair, eyebrow sculpting, nail polish on the toes, wearing Jockey women's panties under my clothes when I am out in the world.  And then there is the fun of shopping for clothes.  I carry pink roller pens with the support breast cancer logo.  I got an aqua colored cell phone case to match the aqua color of some of my favorite Hollister and Aeropostale women's tops.

. . .

Carly,

I feel for you, this is so close to my life, it's scary.  Luckily for me I'm not confined to quarters.  I used to be in a small town practice and I can't imagine what transitioning there would be like, though in reality, most people came to me because of what I knew, not who they thought I was.  I'm sure they would have come to me just like they went to the very openly lesbian attorney in the next village.  Still, even with a solid government job, that was my wife's first concern. I'm doing all those same things you are but also wearing ambiguous clothing (women's designer jeans and a pink women's running jacket) out in public in the community but I still have to wear a suit at work.  My wife has agreed to ear piercing after an anticipated promotion to another agency later this year; hopefully, that comes through.

Love,
DeeDee

[Tessa James]

One way to look at this situation is with some historical perspective.  Prior to our modern era virtually no one was transitioning and coming out in public.  Of course there have been those singular stand out individuals but nothing like the huge masses of us now being quite visible as a readily identifiable minority.

So if people have always been transgender what did all of those people do prior to modern therapy, HRT, GCS and the options we now have?  We can assume that they must have coped and adapted to their particular situations. 

People can adapt to what we cannot or will not change and in fact we always have.  We don't get to determine cultural norms and pace setters take a lot of heat with our loving relationships and other cherished ideals seemingly at risk.

Now we are in an era where our visibility and reality are better known and more accepted than ever before.  There has never been a better time to find resources, support and community.

I am one who believes that dysphoria is life long and progressive if not dealt with.  Sometimes it feels as if we are dealt a bad hand and then there are days when we ARE the dealer and we make the choices to be honest and free.

This is a personal and highly individualized journey and I trust we are all doing the best we can to craft our custom life. One size does not fit all;D

[Gertrude]

One way to look at this situation is with some historical perspective.  Prior to our modern era virtually no one was transitioning and coming out in public.  Of course there have been those singular stand out individuals but nothing like the huge masses of us now being quite visible as a readily identifiable minority.

So if people have always been transgender what did all of those people do prior to modern therapy, HRT, GCS and the options we now have?  We can assume that they must have coped and adapted to their particular situations. 

People can adapt to what we cannot or will not change and in fact we always have.  We don't get to determine cultural norms and pace setters take a lot of heat with our loving relationships and other cherished ideals seemingly at risk.

Now we are in an era where our visibility and reality are better known and more accepted than ever before.  There has never been a better time to find resources, support and community.

I am one who believes that dysphoria is life long and progressive if not dealt with.  Sometimes it feels as if we are dealt a bad hand and then there are days when we ARE the dealer and we make the choices to be honest and free.

This is a personal and highly individualized journey and I trust we are all doing the best we can to craft our custom life. One size does not fit all;D

People did more of what some do today: Self medicate or commit suicide. May be some can deal with it better than others. If someone can compartmentalize, that makes it easier I guess. No matter what, there were more miserable trans people then.

[HappyElderGeek]

Two things:

#1:  We all acknowledge the dilemma you face, and I commend you for your choice(s), whatever they may be.  It is YOUR life you're making decisions about, and I have no counsel for you, but The Bishop's Paradox:  "When the tree falls in the forest, and no one's 'round, does it make a sound?"  In other words, is life based in a reality we all might engage, or is life just a figment of the imagination?  The best decisions we make in our life are those that are true, no matter which way we may answer that paradox.  You have to be true to yourself, and you have to be true to those whom you love, and who love you.

#2:  Many here have made their decisions, and I've made mine.  We have no authority or wisdom, and I trust you will look inward, not allowing the opinions of others to decide for you.  It is, after all, YOUR life, not someone else's.

No matter what you choose, choose to be a whole human being, faults, warts and doubts and all.  That's life.  Bon voyage!

[Jacqueline]

Two things:

#1:  We all acknowledge the dilemma you face, and I commend you for your choice(s), whatever they may be.  It is YOUR life you're making decisions about, and I have no counsel for you, but The Bishop's Paradox:  "When the tree falls in the forest, and no one's 'round, does it make a sound?"  In other words, is life based in a reality we all might engage, or is life just a figment of the imagination?  The best decisions we make in our life are those that are true, no matter which way we may answer that paradox.  You have to be true to yourself, and you have to be true to those whom you love, and who love you.

#2:  Many here have made their decisions, and I've made mine.  We have no authority or wisdom, and I trust you will look inward, not allowing the opinions of others to decide for you.  It is, after all, YOUR life, not someone else's.

No matter what you choose, choose to be a whole human being, faults, warts and doubts and all.  That's life.  Bon voyage!

Wanted to break in for a moment and welcome HappyElderGeek to our site. Your couple of posts are supportive and encouraging. Thank you.

I also wanted to pass some links along. We try to get them to newly posting members. They are mostly welcome information and rules. If you have not read through them, please take  a moment and do so:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Let us know if you have questions. Please continue to join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Amy85]

Ressurrecting an old thread with a bit of an update. My girlfriend and I have gotten engaged this weekend. We decided that we want to do everything we can to make it work and as far as my dysphoria goes I am back to fighting it with distractions and light secret dressing at home. Though we did discuss me being able to try HRT once we have managed to secure ourselves the family we want through natural conception and sperm banking... maybe 2 or 3 years down the road? It is a compromise of sorts.


It is far enough away that I feel like crying when I think about it and letting myself age that much more without the proper hormones in my system, and my girlfriend is absolutely dreading the physical changes that would come with it even though I would be the type to make sure I could maintain a good guy mode to live in socially as I don't know about transitioning socially. I just know that I need to try medication to combat the dysphoria. It is a messy and unclear future for us but we are determined to forge ahead together and find a way to make it work.

[Dena]

This is something that is going to be difficult to accomplish and unfortunately I don't have a good solution. When I transitioned, I knew it was going to be extremely difficult and to add a possibly failed relationship would complicate things even more. I made this decision in my mid teens and transition wasn't complete until I was 30. It's one of the reasons to this day I have never been in a relationship.  Transitioning is much less difficult now but it sounds like your girlfriend isn't fully on board. You should involve your girlfriend in therapy so she is aware of what is in the future. This is something you want as few surprises as possible. Other than that, you need to communicate everything because it will be difficult for both of you if you reach the point were you can no longer wait.

[Amy85]

Does anyone happen to have any anecdotes about a compromise similar to mine that ended up working out? My fiancee would insist that part of the arangement means me keeping the man bits as SRS would be too much for her. Something like that would have been far off in the future if it would have happened but still I am not sure hkw I feel about taking that off the table. I have dreamed about having a vagina almost as long as I can remember and it makes me sad to think that it is no longer a possibility... I don't know if I would do it if she had no problem with it or not but still the possibility of it happening some day was a bit of a comfort to me I guess...

[cheryl reeves]

Amy85, I made the compromise and it works for me. I didn't mind keeping the man bits for I'm a lesbian and enjoy the feel of having sex. My wife is cool with the dressing and that where it ends.

[Gertrude]

Does anyone happen to have any anecdotes about a compromise similar to mine that ended up working out? My fiancee would insist that part of the arangement means me keeping the man bits as SRS would be too much for her. Something like that would have been far off in the future if it would have happened but still I am not sure hkw I feel about taking that off the table. I have dreamed about having a vagina almost as long as I can remember and it makes me sad to think that it is no longer a possibility... I don't know if I would do it if she had no problem with it or not but still the possibility of it happening some day was a bit of a comfort to me I guess...

Here's some people where it worked out:


http://www.jenniferboylan.net

http://www.lesliefab.com

https://shewasthemanofmydreams.wordpress.com


The odds are against us though. Most don't.

[JoanneB]

Does anyone happen to have any anecdotes about a compromise similar to mine that ended up working out? My fiancee would insist that part of the arangement means me keeping the man bits as SRS would be too much for her. Something like that would have been far off in the future if it would have happened but still I am not sure hkw I feel about taking that off the table. I have dreamed about having a vagina almost as long as I can remember and it makes me sad to think that it is no longer a possibility... I don't know if I would do it if she had no problem with it or not but still the possibility of it happening some day was a bit of a comfort to me I guess...

Some 30+ years ago I first dated my wife. She was told of my "Gender Issues".  In time I had settled on being "Just a Cross-Dresser". This was after 2 failed transition experiments. I managed to loosely manage the GD for much of those 30+ years thanks to what I call the 3Ds, Diversions, Distractions and Denial. A once monthly or so escape from maleness also helped. In time the 3Ds took control and I slowly morphed into a lifeless, soulless thing who existed just to "Do what was expected".

As expected my life exploded, once again. After too much quality time alone I realized the repeated explosions were due to how I was not handling being trans. A few months after being floored at my first ever TG Support group meeting I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife. "Just a CD" wasn't cutting it. This "Betrayal" could not come at a worse time for us as a long distance marriage was on shaky grounds to start with.

I also realized that to try to keep all the other important aspects of my life, I needed to figure out how to get the female and male aspects of myself to live at peace within me. It took a few years of hard work to unlearn a lot of bad "copping" skills and learn better ways to think about myself.

The effort began to pay off. I began to grow as a person. In time it was my wife who said "I think you are up to starting hormones if that is what you want", though she was far from thrilled over the inevitable "End Game", and still is not.

Seven years later we are still navigating the uncharted waters with only the compass of our mutual love to guide us. What the future may be like neither of us can know. The idea of having a spouse with a B cup was not exactly part of my wife's life plans. Nor was the path I am on part of mine, it was just a dream long ago given up on. I am also a person with joy in her life. Something else also given up on long ago

Today I still live and present primarily as male. My wife and I both know where my true joy lies. Life is endless series of compromises as you balance, or try to balance, countless conflicting needs and wants. Today (TBH most days) fortunately, I do not need to do a full social transition. I know I can and will if the day comes that I need to. I suspect, as does my wife, that as circumstances evolve and I again regain the freedom to live part-time, "want to" just may evolve into "need to". What that will lead to with the "Us".... One day at a time

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Ressurrecting an old thread with a bit of an update. My girlfriend and I have gotten engaged this weekend. We decided that we want to do everything we can to make it work and as far as my dysphoria goes I am back to fighting it with distractions and light secret dressing at home. Though we did discuss me being able to try HRT once we have managed to secure ourselves the family we want through natural conception and sperm banking... maybe 2 or 3 years down the road? It is a compromise of sorts.


It is far enough away that I feel like crying when I think about it and letting myself age that much more without the proper hormones in my system, and my girlfriend is absolutely dreading the physical changes that would come with it even though I would be the type to make sure I could maintain a good guy mode to live in socially as I don't know about transitioning socially. I just know that I need to try medication to combat the dysphoria. It is a messy and unclear future for us but we are determined to forge ahead together and find a way to make it work.

You have hopes and dreams with this woman and they fill your heart up, but you are setting yourself up to horribly resent this woman, and that is poison to a relationship.

We often say 'go slow' here, but I agree with the poster who said your wife should go to therapy with you and get a better handle on what is coming. You are giving up your soul for this relationship; cis people are not the only people who deserve boundaries in relationships. You need some boundaries as well.

[Thessa]

I can only give you my view from personal experience.

After my first serious relationship broke (I have a now 19 year old daughter from that relationship), I considered the first time to transition in my early twenties, but the time and myself was not ready. (conservative background and other issues).

With 25 I met my current wife, during the first year in our relationship I disclosed to her that "I always wanted to be a girl" and I had the impression that she was fine with it. Doing makeup and shopping together. Fast forward, after 5 years we got married and we have a wonderful 10 year old now. During all this years she constantly teased me with things like: "You really behave like a girl." "Now with the new shoes you also sound like a woman". And many other things...

Over the past years she changed and I did too, we have grown apart.
She got more conservative in her views and I got more and more femme in my behavior and after I hit rock bottom last year I started therapy and HRT.

Long story short, we are now I a divorce battle and I ask myself every day what have I done to the persons most important in my life, because of the decisions I made in the past. Not so much my wife, but why do my girls need to be in the middle of all this.

Don't get me wrong, I love my daughters, but I sometimes I think, that it would have been better to have no children due to my condition. For example, I fear for the time when she get's bullied in school because of me.

So my point is, make sure that you and your girlfriend really know what's ahead of you and that you can deal with it. Especially when children's are involved. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst!

jm2c
Thessa