Seeking constructive feedback for a gender language foible

[j-inquires]

Hello, Everyone.

I wanted to reach out to the community today to see if anyone might have some constructive feedback re: an incident I had earlier this evening.

I'm an older student currently attending night classes.  This evening, as I walked into the student lounge, I greeted a fellow group of 3 students by saying "Hello, Ladies".  I had mistakenly assumed that all 3 of these persons were women. 

I was approached later by 2 of the people in that group who explained to me that the 3rd person was transgender (FtoM).  They were very congenial in their conversation with me, and I thanked them for providing me the feedback.

This transgender student knows me well enough to know I'm not a jerk, and I didn't receive any feedback that indicated this person was angry or upset with me.  I was only told they seemed to bristle a bit when I extended the gender-inaccurate greeting.

As a rational, mature person, I understand this was a simple (albeit unintentionally insensitive) error on my part.  That said, I'm also a sensitive, respectful person who aims to do right by others.  So I'm a bit preoccupied by the incident, and I'm wondering how I ought to proceed from here.  My feeling is I have 2 basic options:

(1)  Accept this was an honest mistake, and remain aware and sensitive to gender language in the future.

OR

(2)  Accept this was an honest mistake, remain aware and sensitive to gender language in the future, AND approach the transgender person privately to apologize for the unintentionally insensitive greeting.

Thoughts or suggestions?

Thanks in advance.

[Kara.A.I]

Hey there,

I'm still new here, but I'll give my feedback as a transwoman. So, he might not even be too worried about it at this point, like he might just hope that you know now and that you'll use the right pronouns in the future. It seems like it was an honest mistake with no ill intentions.  Don't beat yourself up over it. . Just be more aware in the future.

In my personal opinion, I would take the route of the second option. It is very mature and polite to let him know that you're sorry, it wasn't intentional, and it won't happen again. That you respect him as a person and didn't mean to cause any hurt feelings but you will address him properly from now on, and be more aware in the future for others.

Thanks for reading and I hoped (my opinion) might make you feel better.

-Kara


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[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Early in the transition we understand that we may be mis gendered but it still makes us a bit uncomfortable for it to happened. It also makes us happy when we are gendered correctly. When in doubt, an apology never hurts so I would think the polite thing to do would be to apologize.

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[JoanieC]

Dear J.
     I myself have unintentionally done this and furthermore have had this done many times to me. After 8 months my own 75 year old father makes this slip rather routinely, and it's actually quite hilarious watching my mother correct him. I myself am not brutally offended by these slip ups but a great many people are. I also have several friends who will politely inform someone of their mistake if its made. Though it's happening much less frequently now. My own extensive research into the proper way to handle this situation from many sources is as follows. 1. DO NOT approach the individual and apologize. In many instances this will only serve to make the individual even more uncomfortable. 2. CARRY ON your interactions with this person as if nothing ever happened and as if nothing was said to you. 3. Pay particular attention in the future to be sure to address this person how they desire. In this instance I am assuming he/him/sir etc. 4. If and ONLY if and when this person were to approach you and say something would it be appropriate to admit your slipup and apologize. I think if you are to follow these guidelines you will find that all will be fine and/or soon forgotten. If it hasn't been already. Good luck to you from here on and don't dwell on this mistake, just do your best to learn from it.     Joanie Evelyn.

[captains]

Hey there. If I'm honest, I've always felt like follow up apologies make things more awkward. It's clear that you're a considerate person, and I doubt that the guy in question took it personally. When I get misgendered (which I do, often/always), I feel pretty bad... but I don't blame anyone for making the reasonable assumption that I am a woman because I look like one.

I would just make a point of gendering him correctly next time you see him. No issues, no trauma.

[Ms Grace]

If people are not fully out as trans you can't be expected to know their status and the pronouns they prefer. I kind of wonder if it was that person's right to out him to you. Maybe it was OK but maybe it wasn't, believe me they may have thought they were doing the right thing but that doesn't mean they had permission. If you would like to apologise to the person I'd preface it "X told me that you are trans..."

And maybe in future say "evening, folks"...

[Sarah82]

And maybe in future say "evening, folks"...

I too am a fan of "folks" as a gender neutral term for a group of people, I worry that it betrays my country upbringing though

As for whether to address or ignore your faux pas, I think that it's always a good idea to apologise but don't make a production of it as that could make things worse.

You never know you may make a new friend

Good luck and Hugs,
Sarah

[j-inquires]

I appreciate all of the feedback.  This is good food for thought. 

Despite the awkwardness of the incident the other night, I've learned quite a bit from it.  I feel far more enlightened than I did a couple of days ago.

Many thanks again to each of you. 

- J