This Indecision's Bugging Me

[lindagrl]

Am i doing the right thing?  Will i regret it later if i start HRT?  Am i stable enough (wife says no) or will i find more stability when the effects kick in? Why can't i decide?  Why do my moods fluctuate between masculine and feminine? What the hell is wrong with me?
These are the questions i am asking myself these days.  Sorry if i'm being a pain.  Guess i'm looking to hear that others have gone through the same and come out okay to the other side.



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[Oliviah]

Only you know if you are stable enough.  Your wife might have insight, but she is understandably going to be against your taking HRT.

Do you have a therapist?  If not get one.  Only you know the answer to this issue.  Why aren't you telling yourself the answer?

[cheryl reeves]

Ask yourself this one question will your wife accept you going on hormones.I asked my wife yrs back this question and she asked me if I wanted too be divorced.My wife is ok with me dressing but hormones is a deal breaker.

[lindagrl]

Hi Oliviah,

i don't have a therapist at the moment, but i went eight times to therapist that has some experience with trans people.  It's a matter of cost at the moment, but i plan to go to her again.
My wife and i have discussed HRT often and she is okay with that and prefers me feminine but not okay with surgery.  Am not sure i want to go through that either at the age of 54 presently.

Here's the deal, i am an impatient hothead sometimes, not violent though and when i am irritated to the point of aggression i can be very dominant and i really hate that and quite understandably my wife does as well.  My previous T said it was because i have been in defensive mode for all my life and i just need to practice calmness and clarity of what matters and what not.  Says that part of me does not want me to change out of fear and habit.  i think letting go control is probably a big factor as well.
To Cheryl Reeves, if i thought for a second that our marriage would end if i go on HRT i wouldn't do it.

[Jill F]

The hormones helped me right away.  I remember the sh*tstorm in my head before hormones. It was much as you described.  My wife noticed the marked improvement in my mood right away and was grateful to not have to worry about finding a dead body anymore.  It took some adjustment, but we are still going strong after 23 years.  To her, a living, thriving, happy wife beat a miserable, dying husband every day of the week. 

[lindagrl]

The hormones helped me right away.  I remember the sh*tstorm in my head before hormones. It was much as you described.  My wife noticed the marked improvement in my mood right away and was grateful to not have to worry about finding a dead body anymore.  It took some adjustment, but we are still going strong after 23 years.  To her, a living, thriving, happy wife beat a miserable, dying husband every day of the week.

Thank you kindly Jill F, your story fills me with hope.  Glad i am not the only one this messed up before going on HRT, well i wouldn't wish it on anyone but you know what i mean.  Thank you again, it means a lot to me.

[Phlox1]

You should see a therapist that specializes in gender issues.  And you might consider hormones, and if so, you might find that the androgen blockers alone may have a positive effect on you being a bit hotheaded.  I'm not on estrogen yet, but since my orchiectomy I feel more calm and relaxed and do not get easily get irritated like before.

[lindagrl]

Hi Phlox1,

The program here has two therapists that specialize in gender issues.  i am seeing the head of the program at the beginning of November and i'm expecting that he will direct me to have sessions with one of them.
Am a bit angry with them for how they have treated me thus far,  (long story i described in earlier posts)
but am going to be on my best behavior when i go there and just explain my feelings calmly.  Yes i can do that,
i can, i will lol.
Thanks for your reply, you bring up a good point.

[Oliviah]

Hi Oliviah,

i don't have a therapist at the moment, but i went eight times to therapist that has some experience with trans people.  It's a matter of cost at the moment, but i plan to go to her again.
My wife and i have discussed HRT often and she is okay with that and prefers me feminine but not okay with surgery.  Am not sure i want to go through that either at the age of 54 presently.

Here's the deal, i am an impatient hothead sometimes, not violent though and when i am irritated to the point of aggression i can be very dominant and i really hate that and quite understandably my wife does as well.  My previous T said it was because i have been in defensive mode for all my life and i just need to practice calmness and clarity of what matters and what not.  Says that part of me does not want me to change out of fear and habit.  i think letting go control is probably a big factor as well.
To Cheryl Reeves, if i thought for a second that our marriage would end if i go on HRT i wouldn't do it.

I totally understand, and can be defensive and a hot head sometimes too.  My wife started out saying if I transition we are done.  I am transitioning and looks like we might not be.  Now it is surgery and we are done.  Wives get hurt and angry.  That is to be expected.  However, if you are at a point where you must live your authentic self and your authentic self is female you will do it anyway whether she leaves or doesn't leave. 

I find emotional blackmail to be not good for me.  I don't suggest anyone live like that.

[lindagrl]

I totally understand, and can be defensive and a hot head sometimes too.  My wife started out saying if I transition we are done.  I am transitioning and looks like we might not be.  Now it is surgery and we are done.  Wives get hurt and angry.  That is to be expected.  However, if you are at a point where you must live your authentic self and your authentic self is female you will do it anyway whether she leaves or doesn't leave. 

I find emotional blackmail to be not good for me.  I don't suggest anyone live like that.

i understand what you're saying.  Good to read that your marriage is still intact.  i am not going to be making any plans apart from HRT and hair removal at this time i think, both she and i will need time to adjust to that and perhaps we will both agree later on that taking it all the way is the best thing to do.  i look at it this way, we are both coming to terms with the obvious changes in me (most days) and she needs her time as well to digest all that's going on.  Of course it's a deal breaker to dump this on her table, she thought she married a man.  The fact that she much prefers my female side to the male gives me hope that things will be okay with us.  It's a huge decision though, if i open that box there will hardly be any turning back.

i have known all my life that i am more sensitive than other males in my life and when people and life hurt me i just shut up shop and became an angry person rebelling against myself.  Undoing that is what i have been working on with varying success.

i agree, emotional blackmail is not helpful.

[cheryl reeves]

Emotional black mail swings both ways.If your married to a cis woman you have too remember she married the male you,some women might learn too be bi with you,but most women want the penis,for a natural penis is better then a fake. When we come out during marriage the wife has a lot too digest,some women are ok with the dressing but hormones are a deal breaker,some wives can accept the hormones but not the surgery. But we who are transgender can also be guilty of emotional blackmail too get their way,sometimes it works,sometimes it doesn't. My wife knows a few women who were married to transgenders and want ended their marriages were the hormones or the bottom surgery,that was the deal breaker. Like I said in my introduction I'm not new at this.

[lindagrl]

Like i stated Cheryl, i am not going to sacrifice our marriage.  Yes, i was thinking the same as you, that emotional blackmail can swing both ways.  i haven't done that yet and hope i never will, but then i am not yet convinced that going this route is the best thing to do.  i only disagree with my wife on one issue, timing.  She wants me to wait until something or other but i feel my time is running out, if i am going to do this it will have to be soon. 

i started this thread because i keep ending up in the same place, facing a side of me i don't like at all and feeling frustrated and needing some words of inspiration from those who have been there. 
i am very grateful for all the replies, thank you one and all.

[KristinaM]

I don't know how much help my story will be, but here goes.

I discovered I was trans and came out to my wife on the same day and by accident really.  One day in April I was watching some documentaries on Youtube about transgender children.  I told my wife that night that I thought it explained who I WAS, turns out that it actually explains who I AM.

Looking back on my past, there are a lot of signs that I should have taken notice of, but I was either oblivious to the possibilities and vocabulary to describe what I was feeling, or I was ashamed and chose to bury those feelings.  So I unknowingly lived in a grey and dull emotionless haze of depression for the last 15 years.

When I figured out I was trans, it was full-speed ahead to start the ball rolling on everything I would need to do.  Therapy, hormones, laser, clothes shopping, grooming, etc...  When I started hormones I immediately felt better.  For the first time in the last 15 years I've been genuinely happy in my soul, at the core of my being.  That's a feeling that's difficult to convey to cis-people.  I haven't looked back since.  Sure I've questioned if I'm doing the right thing from time to time, but then I think about the life I had been living and I realize that no matter how unusual this process is, it has given me a feeling of purpose in my life again.  My wife can attest that I've been a happier person from it all.

Now, on to your situation.  I never asked myself the questions you're asking that I can remember.  Once I figured it out, I just went for it because I knew I had to find out how far down the rabbit hole I truly needed to go.  Hormones are kinda like Adderall.  If you give them to the wrong person then they won't have the desired effect, but for people that can actually benefit from them it's almost like a miracle drug.  They will not help with other mental or emotional issues, but if you have depression from being the wrong gender then they can definitely help with that.  They did for me anyways.

[Aazhie]

LOVE THAT SONG, ha ha ha!  The Clash rock 

I agree with Oliviah's first statement that only you know if you are stable enough.  You are not at all required to get surgery- any surgery and many transpeople are very good on hormones alone.  Also, many transpeople are fine without hormones either, they just dress and act as they feel!  i feel like my impatience and need to be right got a little worse on T, but it blows over fast most of the time if I just swear and rage in private briefly XD  It helps to have a friend to two who is wise about gender and social things to vent with, but it is still really good to go with a solid therapist too.  I feel it is most important to screen oneself for other problems unrelated to being transgender, or only peripherally related, like anxiety or depression. I have known at least two people being treated for depression who went to a new psychiatrist and found out that they were actually bipolar and one was pre-schizophrenic.  So even their previous therapists, who were not necessarily bad doctors missed some signs they shouldn't have.  Docs are human too and can be wrong, or only partly right, so I feel getting a second or third opinion is generally good if you can afford to.  They are also there to ask hard questions and remind you that there are side effects and risks.  They don't need to ask really invasive questions about physical stuff, but i was asked if I had issues with having relationships (I was adamantly single at the time and kind of furious at an ex).  I was a little annoyed, but in the end my therapist was right- I just needed space and time and am now feeling like I could get into some kind of casual dating at some point after my top surgery is taken care of.

Maybe if you have not considered already- are you possibly genderfluid or genderqueer? that wouldn't make you any less a woman, but it might feel more comfortable to identify with your "male" moods. I primarily identify as male, but with very close friend/lovers I am much more genderfluid.  I want strangers and coworkers to treat me just like another guy, but I am happy just being myself and ambiguous with loved ones.  I don't even usually define things as male or female these days, but i know it can be a little easier for some people to wrap their heads around.  You don't have to solidly plant yourself on one "side" or the other, many mature people acknowledge the fact that gender is an abstract idea and one does not have to play to society's rules and expectations of man or woman!  Just find what feels good and right for you 

[lindagrl]

Hi KristinaM,

Yes, all personal input helps as i search for comparisons in other peoples experiences.
i wish it was that straightforward for me, but i obviously have issues i need to look at.
Depression i know intimately since childhood and it stems mostly from not fitting in i think.
At the same time as being miserable about it, i have felt pride in being different, the odd one out.
In my twenties i befriended a couple of lesbians, it was with them that i could be myself i felt, they seemed
to understand what others didn't.  Slept with one of them many times, we both found much comfort in it but
it was not sexual, more like a couple of girls, sharing stories, cuddling, laughing, feeling safe together.
Cis girls would often want to make up my face and though embarrassed i never said no. Secretly i loved
it and sought those girls out.

A girlfriend i had in my twenties had a history of choosing abusive guys.  She liked my hot head and said that
i was the craziest and best she had been with, although i am not abusive at all.  At other times she complained
that i wasn't a man, that i whined like a woman, too sensitive, that i was probably queer, that she was not a lesbian and so on, but it's hard to tell if she was trying to get me to be abusive or if she really meant those words.  We were a strange fit, it only lasted three months and then i ran for it.  A couple of years later we met for coffee and we agreed
that it would never have worked out for us and again she mentioned that living with me was in many ways like living with another woman.

Excuse the rambling, i went a bit off track.
Thanks so much for sharing your story with me

[lindagrl]

Hi Aazhie, thanks so much for responding.

Glad you like the song.  Saw them in concert in the early eighties, that was a blast and a half.

Oh God, am i going to be even more intolerable on hormones? The wife will be thrilled lol.
i have no transgender friends, but there is a woman here locally that i would like to get into
contact with.  She did not go for surgery, just hormones.  Saw an interview with her on TV,
we seem to have many commonalities character wise.  Like me she feels out of place within
the trans community yet identifies as a woman  i would love it if it was simpler, i really would
like to fit in there, but i have to be true to me and sometimes i worry i won't find acceptance there. 
Perhaps that is just from the habit of never having fitted in anywhere that i expect it always
and look for signs of it.

You mention the possibility of me being gender fluid or gender queer.  That's a possibility, but
i sure hope not, because this feeling of being in between sexes is not one i like at all, it confuses
the hell out of me.  Maybe i need to read more of what gender fluidity means and how people deal with it.
i was diagnosed as Borderline by a psychologist some years ago, but only after twenty minutes of the session.
i reject that diagnosis because i know it's not so.  That term has become a trashcan by so called professionals
in the field, a fit all for those who don't fit in their books.  As you can see i have limited faith in psychologists,
my suspicious nature is not easy to deal with either i am sure, heh.  The psychiatrist i went to recently was really
good for me.  She spoke to me like woman to woman, the first really to do that and i very much liked that.  i will
be seeing a psychiatrist within the program soon i should think, i am looking forward to that.

You bring up so many points of interest that i need to think about.
Thank you kindly, you were a great help.

[JoanneB]

I've been On/Off low dose E several times over the decades for the much needed "Brain Reset".

HRT does not have to be an All or Nothing. Just an AA alone may help

[Deborah]

I can tell you what HRT has done for my stability.  I used to fly off into tremendous rages over really stupid things.  Fortunately, I was never physically abusive to anyone but I did break a lot of things.  Twice I got so berserk I hurt myself, once breaking my hand and another time cutting my hand open to where a tendon was exposed.  I also seriously considered suicide once and honestly the only thing that kept me from pulling the trigger was the mind picture of my wife and children finding and dealing with the mess.

With my wife it seemed we couldn't talk about anything without me getting mad about something.

HRT fixed the rage problem.   I don't feel that at all anymore.  I don't know if that's just from lowering T or adding E or a combination of the two but the effect is real. 

I'm also able to have conversations with my wife without a constant anger always rearing up.  Things there are probably better than they have been in decades.

Other than the HRT and growing my hair I have not taken transition any further yet.  Maybe I will later and maybe not.  I just focus on the now and let the future come as it may.  Perhaps that's partly a fear that pushing ahead too fast might just trade one set of problems for another.  I spent one year without a job because of the economy and I am hesitant to risk loosing the well paying job I have now.  But things are orders of magnitude better now after counselling and HRT than they were before. . Better is good.  I'll keep doing what it takes to be better.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Oliviah]

Hi KristinaM,

Yes, all personal input helps as i search for comparisons in other peoples experiences.
i wish it was that straightforward for me, but i obviously have issues i need to look at.
Depression i know intimately since childhood and it stems mostly from not fitting in i think.
At the same time as being miserable about it, i have felt pride in being different, the odd one out.
In my twenties i befriended a couple of lesbians, it was with them that i could be myself i felt, they seemed
to understand what others didn't.  Slept with one of them many times, we both found much comfort in it but
it was not sexual, more like a couple of girls, sharing stories, cuddling, laughing, feeling safe together.
Cis girls would often want to make up my face and though embarrassed i never said no. Secretly i loved
it and sought those girls out.

A girlfriend i had in my twenties had a history of choosing abusive guys.  She liked my hot head and said that
i was the craziest and best she had been with, although i am not abusive at all.  At other times she complained
that i wasn't a man, that i whined like a woman, too sensitive, that i was probably queer, that she was not a lesbian and so on, but it's hard to tell if she was trying to get me to be abusive or if she really meant those words.  We were a strange fit, it only lasted three months and then i ran for it.  A couple of years later we met for coffee and we agreed
that it would never have worked out for us and again she mentioned that living with me was in many ways like living with another woman.

Excuse the rambling, i went a bit off track.
Thanks so much for sharing your story with me

I am concerned about with both the tone and content a bit of your posts. 

I think many who sit forever suffering on a fence wondering if they arre trans have a fundamentally wrong understanding of what being a woman is or means.

Being a woman isn't boobs.  It isn't mental instability.   It isn't emotional irrationism.

It isn't endless passive aggressive antagonism or needy attention seeking.

Chose to be happy.  Or choose to make someone else happy.  Find what makes you happy.

Live your truth.

Hard truths are what they are.

The sooner you accept them the better.  Not only for you but your partner.

Don't waste her life if in your heart you can't give her what will make her happy.

That is women don't have that male privilege

[lindagrl]

Thank you JoanneB, i get what you're saying.