What are you surprised to find yourself doing?

[Hazumu]

Sorry for the long, unclear title to this thread -- Please let me explain.

My therapist said that when I transition, the biggest changes will be from within.  He said that the me at the end of transition would no more resemble the current me than would a sister resemble the current me.  I would likely find my tastes in music, activities, hobbies, etc., could and would probably change -- everything is up for grabs.

Now, having (I hope) set the stage, I'd like to ask you, as you progressed though transition, what was the change in attitude/tastes/outlook that most surprised/startled/delighted you.  What awakend within you?  If you have more than one thing and want to share it, please do.

Sorry, due to my job, I can't access this site to respond except on weekends.  But I do look forward to seeing your response(s).

Ja, ne..

[Kimberly]

Attitude...
I was a bit surprised to find I'm less tolerate of moronic cameramen. Yep by gollie the girl in the bikini on the beach looks nice... ... grow up already!

I'm starting to wonder if I'd enjoy being predominately a vegetarian...

Not too many things have died near me recently but I'm starting to wonder if death hurts a hell of a lot more...

Outlook on life has improved so I can't say that is the same... probably just as well there.

I'm less violent, but still have a lot of venom lurking below the surface... I **SO** want to get rid of that. (I am still afraid to let go of all of it, as it's been my defense mechanism all my life.)

I suppose I should be surprised by what is still the same...
Taste in music.
Hobbies... (which still does not mean I can actually **do** things that interest me.)
Activities have remained the same... Another case of only being able to do so much currently.

But, I've been told I'm kind of an odd one too, half me half pretend... which matches what I tried to do when I was younger by the by.

But I am no means all done yet so who knows what the future holds...

[Terri-Gene]

Your Psych was quite right Hasumu. Is more of an evolution then a change.  I hear so many at the start of the journey stating that they will always be the same person.  All I can say to them is that if that remains true, transition hasn't started yet.  It took around 10 years of what I thought was being in full transition before I actually began to. 

Your way of life, your feelings about that life and the way you relate to and with people have all been woven out of the life you have had up until you begin to transition.  Transition is more about the mind and how it deals with yourself, others and things about you then it is about simple body parts.

I can look back now at how just a few years ago I thought about things, felt about myself and others and on and on and on and I can't believe such things were possible for me, I don't think there is anyway I could be the same now and I'm still in a spirit of change.  I couldn't go into all the differences here in a post, just let me say that it is a new universe.  I'm learning about things I thought I knew, but now I know them from a far different perspective.  It's something that would have to be discussed while fishing over a beautiful body of water, with no CD's, Radio or babbling public around to detract as it involves everything within your soul.  No, I am not the same person as I always was and I no longer want to be, though I still have so much to learn and evaluate before I will again know exactly who I am as it is so far different from what I once tried to be.

You might already have one, but if you don't, start a journal or diary and correspond your thoughts, reactions, achievements and desires as frequently as you can in it and look back through it as the months and perhaps years go by and you will see the evolution for yourself.

This is the deepest journey into your own soul you will ever take.  Evolve till you become you rather then what the world made of you.

Terri

[Kimberly]

... Evolve till you become you rather then what the world made of you.

Terri

Indeed, that is the important part of all of this.

I could have been happy as who I was, but I'm already happier than I would have been if I had remained as I was.  I speculate that the more male persona one has built up the happier one becomes when shedding it.

Anyway more on topic for the thread, perhaps why my music taste hasn't shifted yet is mid grade school I went from soft rock to metal. ^*shrug*

Cooking might be a bit of a surprise... I did enjoy the time I spent in the kitchen at Christmas.  from the kid who could burn water mind you Still, that can be explained in a few ways Gradma's kitchen is a proper kitchen while my kitchen.. well two things work in it, the coffee pot (with hole in the grind container so there is a lot of ... grit... in the coffee) and the microwave. Oven? We've not had a functional oven in 10years... ^*shrug*


I'm probably too young in transition to have figured much out yet I suppose... who knows!

[Northern Jane]

Oh my! How to find words to express such a thing?

I would have to describe my pre-SRS self as a hollow shell. Only through living a double life for many years did I have any idea of who or what I was - I certainly had NO idea of who I could become! I was confused, empty, with little self-confidence and no self-esteem. Life was a misery and it always felt that I watched life through the bars of my jail cell. My friends would not have seen me as so bleak - I did have a sense of humour and enjoyed doing things, but it was always "just passing time". Even in spending time with friends, it was like I was only partly there and partly hidden.

For me SRS and "transition" were one big step, from the old life into the new in a matter of days, starting over in a new city.

Within weeks of embarking on my new life I was astonished by my personality - I was gregarious, funny, flirtatious, happy, out-going, warm, compassionate, genuine - and found myself quickly surrounded by a whole new circle of friends. Within weeks it felt as if I had stepped into a fully-developed life, one that had always been, one that was MINE and fit me as comfortably as on old slipper! I was, finally, who I had been destined to become - the "shell" had been cast aside and I was free to express ME.

Even now, after almost 32 years, there are not words to describe the difference between what once "appeared to be" and what I became. It is hard to compare because what appeared to be me before transition was only smoke.

I hope that makes some sense.

[DawnL]

Oh my! How to find words to express such a thing?
I would have to describe my pre-SRS self as a hollow shell...

I hope that makes some sense.

Sense?  It makes perfect sense to me.  You have just described my life perfectly.  The only difference is that you have 32 years behind you; I have only one.  To say this has been the most wrenching, difficult, altering, amazing journeys of my life does it no justice.  I have tried to obliterate every molecule of male within me only to discover that not all I perceived as male is actually male, only my idea of being male.  Then I was striving, assertive, type-a.  Now the striving and type-a are gone but the assertive refuses to let go.  At first I thought I was reverting to a male persona, then I saw it as "male energy", and finally I see it as an integral trait of mine and fully female.  I had succumbed to the stupid stereotype that women can't be assertive without also being "butch" or man-like.  Some women, especially in the lesbian movement talk about male energy and I now see this as another form of sexism.  What the hell is male "energy" anyway?  I also felt more vulnerable as a woman, which I don't see as a bad trait unless it defines you.  But again, this arose as part of a stereotype within me.  I am beginning to see that I can be vulnerable, soft, tough, assertive and a whole bunch of other things and still be a woman.  Mostly, I am beginning to define myself as a unique woman not cut from any particular mold and that is okay.  It has been a very liberating discovery.

Many of my hobbies will probably remain unchanged.  Most notably, becoming myself has made me a much better musician.  Being in touch with who I am and with my feelings has allowed an amazing improvement in my playing ability.  This was an unexpected bonus of transition. 

Dawn

[Leigh]

  Some women, especially in the lesbian movement talk about male energy and I now see this as another form of sexism. What the hell is male "energy" anyway?

If sexism is stating an observeable fact then I am quilty of it.

The dynamics of a room predominately of men or women are different.  Men talk at another person not to them.  Their opinions have a higher validity than an equally gualified woman.  In many societys men have a higher social and economic value than women.  Men are competiters, women are cooperaters  Men claim space, women share it.

Not all men or women share these traits but the majority do.

Leigh

[DawnL]

The dynamics of a room predominately of men or women are different.  Men talk at another person not to them.  Their opinions have a higher validity than an equally gualified woman.  In many societys men have a higher social and economic value than women.  Men are competiters, women are cooperaters  Men claim space, women share it.  Not all men or women share these traits but the majority do.

Okay, I understand the meaning a little better now and what you say makes sense--to a point.  There are observable differences between most men and most women in conversation.  I spend much more time listening now and much less time feeling I have to push my point of view.  But the idea that most women are cooperaters isn't necessarily true.  Women are becoming more assertive and competitive and I don't see why they shouldn't.  Too often however, they then called "ball-busters" or "butch" and that is sexism.  And women may share space but they also compete within that space with each other.  Your statement verges on the idea that a "feminine mystique" exists and that women are inherently better.  I know this is your personal belief but that doesn't make it so.  The real questions are these: at what point does an assertive woman begin radiating male energy?  Is a natal woman who talks as you describe above considered male?

At the beginning of my transition, I believed that all men were useless idiots and subscribed to the idea of a feminine mystique.  I have come to realize that not all men are bad and that women are imperfect as well. 

Dawn

[Northern Jane]

In the 32 years since "transition" and building a career where I now have to "give orders" to men, it took me awhile to learn how to be an "effective General" without being "a bitch" and without de-masculine-izing the men who have to follow my lead. The men now follow me willingly (gladly in most cases) because they respect me and trust my leadership. It is a tough balance because there are times when I have to quell rebellion in the ranks and prefer to do it without wielding ultimate authority. It is very much a matter of developing the "mother" role.

Working with women is altogether different. Pulling together a cohesive team of women is very much a co-operative effort and (most) women aren't nearly so concerned about who holds the ultimate authority. Working with women is more of a "sister" role.

The whole issue of interpersonal

[Dennis]

From the other side of the coin from what Jane says, I've also noticed that men work better in a hierarchical team structure, provided that they have respect for the leader. Sometimes getting women to work together on something is like herding cats.

Dennis

[Dennis]

Another oxymoron! 

Melissa

Bah, a team can have a leader. Team playing doesn't mean all members are of the same rank, in fact in sports, they rarely are. Most teams have captains.

Dennis

[stephanie_craxford]

Bah, a team can have a leader. Team playing doesn't mean all members are of the same rank, in fact in sports, they rarely are. Most teams have captains.

Ha, ha, very true Dennis.  And I agree with Leigh and her points.  For myself I've found that I listen now, I mean really listen, and not just nod my head in agreement.  I look people in the eye's and really hear what they are saying.  When in group situations I needed for others to hear my points, my side of the story, and my views, on the topic so that my experience, and knowledge was made perfectly clear to those around.  I guess you could say that I was establishing my position in the pecking order.  Now I'm just content to sit back and listen.

I've also noticed that I have also become more sensitive to others needs and make the effort to comfort and help where I can.  Less selfish I guess.  Don't get me wrong I haven't become weaker, just more caring and more sensitive as in November last year some were complaining that I was being a real bitch, when in fact I was just doing my job.    (I kinda liked being called a bitch)

Steph

[Dennis]

lol Steph. I got called a sexist pig with a white man in a suit ego the other day. Kinda liked that too. (btw, I was not being sexist, I was telling my client to shut up before the judge sent her to jail for what she was saying).

Dennis

[Chaunte]

I have to agree with Stephanie.  I find that I listen a lot more.  I find myself trying to find the emotions under the surface that may be underlying the discussion.

If a conversation goes from a to z, I find my conversations are becoming more a to b to c to d to ...to x to y to z.  As a general statement, most male conversations go from a to g to m to t to v to z - and that is an indepth conversation!

I find my emotions are reaching the surface more often.  No, there is no biochemistry involved.  Rather, I think I am starting to let go of the emotional controls most males use everyday.  (Maintain an even strain at all costs.)

I find I hug and kiss my kids a lot more.  I tell them I love them a lot more as well.

I am finding that "Chaunte" is walking the hall of my school a lot more nowadays - regardless of how I look.

Chaunte

[Leigh]

Women are becoming more assertive and competitive and I don't see why they shouldn't. Too often however, they then called "ball-busters" or "butch" and that is sexism. 

Can I take a WAG and say it was men who used those terms?

[Terri-Gene]

(I kinda liked being called a bitch)

Hah!

Beautiful
Intellegent
Thrilling
Charming
Hot

Anytime, anyplace, any conditions.  Hang on to it girl and let it spread.

Terri

[DawnL]

Can I take a WAG and say it was men who used those terms?

Mostly.  I'm in a conservative area and there are quite a few women who view strong women the same way.  I work with a woman who is very brassy and out-spoken (though never rude) and has taken a lot of flak for it.  In places like this, many women accept the male-centric status quo and I find many of them more resistant to feminist ideas than some men--although here, men need only give lip-service to complete equality since women generally aren't clamoring for it.  Not that the men are necessarily enlightened, there are plenty of Neanderthal around as well.  It's very frustrating. 

Dawn

[Northern Jane]

there are plenty of Neanderthal around as well

Oh I LOVE them when I have a new construction crew and have to "win them over" to follow my directions! The Neanderthals are SO easy to "set up". Once set-up they walk blindly into the open pit and their buddies laugh like he!! Yup, one good old fashioned Neanderthal on a crew and THEY ARE ALL MINE!

[stephanie_craxford]

Hah!

Beautiful
Intellegent
Thrilling
Charming
Hot

Anytime, anyplace, any conditions.  Hang on to it girl and let it spread.
Terri

I knew there was a reason why I liked being called that Terri.  I'm definitely going to remember that one. 

Steph

[Dennis]

PIG = Pretty Intelligent Guy? Reaching, huh?

Dennis