I am not sure how customary it is for members to share some of their story but I believe in order to be cohesive with a community, one has to share them selves to develop real relationships and friends. My road, I believe, is very different from most women in my position. I hope my sharing may help other gain understanding, self-acceptance, and inner peace.
I am a Christian and for a longtime my faith stood in the way of what I am about to reveal to you. God is not concerned with gender... that is a human preoccupation. He wants us to be happy. I have a good friend that has been so helpful to me as to where I stand when it comes to my beliefs. I do not think that God made a mistake with me rather he gave me the tools to live the way I need to. He made me this way for a reason. Maybe I can help others like me with this story.
The months that followed my birth were all but easy. I was born with two un-descended testicles. The doctors decided a month later they needed to descend them and operating on me. Medicine was still pretty rudimentary when it concerned the endocrine system so the diagnosis was vague.
I have always struggled with the gender the doctor who delivered me assigned me. As far back as age five I knew I was a boy but also knew that didn't fit me. I felt like I was a little girl. I played with my mom's dolls, wore her heels around the house, and always wanted to play the mom when we played house. I was jealous of my cousin's Sunday dresses and cute clothing. I knew I was wired different but also knew that the public would not accept me. I chose to hide this side of me.
When I was thirteen my parents took me back to the endocrinologist to find out why I was so far below my growth chart. They did the usual battery of tests and determined that my pituitary gland was non-functional. The prescription was growth hormone and testosterone. I didn't feel right being on testosterone but I had determined to hide my feminine side. I wanted so much to come out to my parents and transition then and there I just couldn't do it. My dad is very masculine and I knew he wouldn't understand.
I was on growth hormone and testosterone for four years. The growth hormone worked and I hit a growth spurt that caught me up to my chart but, frankly, the testosterone made me crazy. One of my testicles was dead and was removed. The other nut had re-ascended and was also brought back down. After the surgery the prognosis for the other testicle was bleak at best. The expected results from being on the hormone never occurred. I never went through puberty and the doctor hypothesized this was due to my later exposure to testosterone. My questions where not answered, just more were created. The longer I was on the hormone the less human I felt. I struggled with violent outbursts, and manifestations of raw rage. I was in trouble constantly at school, fighting with other classmates... even my brother. I hated the way I felt and when I was seventeen I abandon testosterone.
However, my feminine side never abandoned me. I was still dressing and as the year wore on it got more involved. After graduation I attended college and for the first time in my life I lived alone. I used this opportunity to discover myself, and experiment with my gender. I decided at the time that I must be a cross-dresser (Transvestite: I hate that word!) I went out in public, shopped for myself, and had tons of girlfriends. I developed a certain affinity for fashion. I had friends but never had any true relationships to speak of. I was still a virgin. I was too ashamed of my anatomy to show anyone. I had an opportunity once but did not take it because of my embarrassment. Something was still not right with me... I lacked that inner peace and self-acceptance. My faith didn't abandon me either. I felt terrible and convicted for my actions. The overwhelming feelings of guilt for who I was, was almost too much to handle.
I graduated college and moved back home. In a largely masculine situation and cut off from my privacy my female personality went into remission. I didn't experience anything from it until I met my future wife. She had ways of tapping into my subconscious and accessing "HER" unknowingly. We were perfect for each other and got married the next summer. Life seemed good for the moment and I was content, but that soon withered away. Two years into our marriage my personal demons came back and in full force. My wife started to notice I was distant and disconnected. After finding my stash and needing an explanation, I tried to explain it away but seemed to only make it worse. I never really showed her a ton of affection but now I was showing her none. Jealousy spilled across my face when I looked at her. I needed to express myself like I had in college but, she didn't know that. She started to think I was cheating on her, or worse, not in love with her anymore. The situation came to a head one Fall night when she finally approached me with the question "What is going on?". I knew from the temperature of the conversation there was no getting around the answered this time. In an effort to salvage my marriage I came clean with her. I expressed that I loved dressing like a woman and feeling girly. The act brought me peace and relaxed my inner demons. I didn't tell her all my deep thoughts at the time but what I told her sufficed. They would all come out later. She replied, "Oh... That's it?!?" She then suggested how she could support and help me. Life seemed good now. I was able to dress and express my female side whenever I wanted to but soon that too dissipated. It wasn't enough for me.
Almost every night I was my female alter ego. Even though I was expressing it, I kept plunging back into my deep depression. My beliefs kept cropping up and making me feel as if God did not approve of my lifestyle. I would purge everything I owned and make a feeble attempt to go all-masculine. As time past I did this numerous time. It hurts to think about how many thousands of dollars I have wasted over time due to purging. Not to mention the countless outfits and cute shoes I absentmindedly discarded like yesterdays garbage. This purge felt different, I felt as if the female side of me had been killed off and was not coming back. I was reading my Bible everyday, listening to sermons on the radio during my commute to work. I had a false sense of happiness. This would be the final time, I thought. I also set up an appointment with my family doctor for blood work and to see where my "T" levels were. He stated that my levels were so low they hardly registered in the test. This was the first update I had had since I was 17.
The road of life soon became a highway and my life changed practically over night. My wife and I moved across the country and I started a new job. Home life had changed significantly and I thought this might be a good time to follow up on the prior findings of my Testosterone levels. For right now my reasons for seeking this help, despite my history with the hormone, will remain private but my driving factor was my wife. I was doing this for her. Honestly I hoped it would fix me and I would be happy. I sought out a local Endocrinologist and found one rather quickly and within three days I was in her office at a consultation.
This stage of my life I was very confused. I had always felt female but I never really had hormones in my system that could help determine one gender or the other. The last experience I had with testosterone didn't go well and I was left even more messed up. My body had always been somewhere in between. I never had gender markers that most males have. The secondary sexual characteristics never developed. My body hair was so invisible it was almost non-existent. I was empty, genderless, and looking for anything to complete me.
I was on testosterone and for the first month I felt weird. I felt plugged in like any guy should feel. Things were starting to function, energy levels were increasing, but yet I felt strange. I thought testosterone would be a cure all and instead it just felt uneasy. My past with the hormone left me really apprehensive but I did not expect what was about to happen. In the second month of being on "T" I started to feel really good. I felt balanced, comfortable in my skin for the first time ever. I didn't grimace when looking at my reflection in the mirror and even tolerated the way I looked. I have always though I looked rather trollish and disproportioned. Honestly, I hadn't noticed all the changes happening to me until my female persona made an appearance and took over my psyche. I was deep. My wife made mention one day, "It's as if I am living with a twenty year old girl." I hadn't really considered it but she was right. I would work all day. Come home, change my clothes and persona and I would be that way until morning when I had to force myself back out to go to work. I purged again but this time, I purged my guy clothes making room in my dresser for Amanda.
What was going on? I was on a male hormone but feeling more female than I have ever experienced. This was weird to me but exciting at the same time. On my second appointment with my doctor, approximately six months into hormones, there was noticeable changes in my body that were not expected from testosterone. I mention to her that my chest was sore, ached and even itched. She responded with they were side effects of testosterone and shrugged my concerns off. That should have been my first clue to walk away, but I continued the treatment. On my third follow-up appointment, After reading my labs my Dr. told me in the most callused way possible that I would never have children. She was heartless and cold. I couldn't believe how she handled telling me this. This devastated me. I held it together long enough to get home but, cried all night and couldn't figure out why I was so emotional. I had always wanted kids but not in the conventional way. I wanted to have them myself. I wanted to be the mom, not the dad. I just hadn't realized how serious I was about it till now. Another thing unlocked and explained.
More truth was revealed to me just prior to my last appointment with the heartless endocrinologist. Two weeks before I was scheduled for new blood work and a follow-up my breasts became really sensitive and noticeably bigger. My body was changing and rather than freak me out... I was more curious. I still was not sure where all of this fit it so I called my doctor and told her the side-effects I was experiencing. Telling me they would call me back in an hour or so, set my mind at ease. They didn't call me back for five whole days.
In that time I discovered something. I was growing breasts and it didn't bother me in the least. I was excited about it and was trying to find ways to explain them if called out. My body was redistributing fat and I liked what I saw. I had never felt so good in my life. Mentally I was a wreck but eerily calm at the same time. I stopped taking testosterone because it felt wrong. I realized I was only taking it for the side-effects and wouldn't it be better just to be on estrogen? I didn't want facial hair, muscles, a deep voice, Adam's apple or receding hair line that might come with my continued use of testosterone. Confused and feeling very venerable I decided it was time to seek out the help of a therapist. Maybe she could help me piece this all together. After a conclusive search on Google I settled on one. I sent an email to her with a short story introducing myself. She promptly responded with a sweet note and we set up a time for us to meet and chat.
We met on a Friday after work. I was very nervous. She would be the first professional that I would let into my secret life. I needed the help and was finally seeking it. Within minutes she set my mind at ease and I was spilling my emotions and whatever had been stuck in my mind for years. It amazed me how nothing I said offended or even tripped her up. She advised that genetic testing be done in consideration to how testosterone had affected me. She diagnosed me with Gender Dysphoria and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. I had never put a name to my issues and the peace this diagnosis gave me was unbelievable. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
The first thing I needed to do was find a different endocrinologist. I hadn't quite accepted myself yet but I needed a doctor that could tend to my specific needs. This proved to be difficult given my locality, but with some searching online I found a single doctor that specialized in transgender patients. I would have to call and see if they were accepting new patients. This was the most difficult call I have ever had to make. Beginning this journey was not going to be easy and I needed to admit to a perfect stranger that I knew who I was and what I wanted to become. I left work to make this call parking in a vacant lot I dialed the numbers. The receptionist on the other line was sweet and very helpful. In an office full of over fourteen physicians I had to specify I want to see one specifically. "I am TRANSGENDER and I would like to see Dr...." Choking back tears and trying to contain my composure, I could not believe the words finally came out of my mouth. Instantly the voice on the other side grew even sweeter, "Ok, no problem, she is accepting new patients." My appointment with her would not be for another three months. They were hard months.
I'd like to tell you the time flew but I didn't. The time dragged. As the hormones seeped out of my system I plunged back into the empty, dark place I had been for years. The affection that I had openly displayed disappeared and my attitude worsened. I hadn't even realized I was empty until I hadn't been. It explained so much to me. I begged my wife to remind me who I had become and console me when I couldn't live with myself. I had been writing in a diary and documenting my experiences while the side effects happened. I could not understand nor comprehend where the person writing was coming from when I re-read the entries. I had lost all emotion and sympathy.
Finally my appointment arrived. I was drained of hormones and hoping that this new doctor would prescribe estrogen. I could start on the right hormone that I had been thinking about for months. This appointment was nothing more than a consultation. She too agreed with my therapist and thought genetic testing was warranted. She wanted to get a full workup of tests done to determine a starting point. Her office had failed to tell her why I was seeing her specifically, furthering the awkwardness when I had to explain. The conversation ended on a high note with all parties knowing the direction to proceed. She challenged me with the form of estrogen I wanted to take and scheduled a follow-up appointment in a month.
That month dragged. Thank God for my therapist because I am not sure I would have been able to hold it together. We were counting down the days. I came armed to the appointment with a letter from my therapist, the form of estrogen I wanted to take, and a head full of knowledge to answer questions my doctor might ask me. She determined at the time that no genetic testing was needed. She had obtained the records from my previous doctors and informed me that I had one form of Kallmann Syndrome. This occurred in the womb and there really is no treatment. She also added that this condition typically is not associated with transgender people and we were dealing with two separate things. The appointment was a breeze and I left it with a prescription in my hand and a joy in my heart that I had never felt.
I have been on estrogen for four weeks now, and have never been happier. Sure, the mood swings, aches and pains are kicking my butt... but I am happy. This is not the end of this story, only the beginning. I am sure this path I am on will encounter problems along the way but it pales in comparison from where I have come from. I have already come out to my wife, mom and my best friend. Work is another story. I will know when the time is right for that to take place. I am making plans and I want to make sure that everything is in order by then. My dad does not know about me and I am petrified to come out to him.
I am not looking for sympathy. I am not writing this so that I have an excuse for how I am. I am who I am. I was born that way and no medical problem or deficiency is going to change that. I simply wanted to share my story with you all. Xoxoxo - Amanda
