Trying to understand

[boltbabe56]

Hello everyone

I am new to this site and was just wondering if there was anyone in my situation or of there is any other forums on this website that you could recommend.

about 4 weeks ago i found out my Dad is transgender, it was something that i never ever thought about and it was a big shock. But i couldn't be prouder of him for telling my sister and I. Although i am all new to this i would love to talk to anyone who is in the same position as i am or anyone that would love to talk!

I am also worried about my Mum more so than my sister and I as i feel that this is a bigger change for her and i would like to be there for her as much as i can so if anyone has any advice about that as well.

i just wanna try to get my head around this more and try to be as supportive for my family as i can

Thankyou and hope to chat soon 

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I had my surgery in 1982 and have worked with many people going through the transition as well as family and friends attempting to adjust to someone transitioning. I am happy you have been able to accept your father because he has had years of living with the pain it causes. You will be very important to him while he receives treatment as it isn't an easy process for anybody. I am very comfortable talking about my past so feel free to ask me any question you might have.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[boltbabe56]

Thankyou for Replying Dena

Sorry i wasn't specific, its hard to nail what type of questions i wanna ask as there are so many. But mostly how i can  supporting Dad and then also be there for my mum as well i guess you could say. I wanna be there for them as much as i can and also try to process this myself in the meantime.

[Dena]

As you learn more you will have more questions. You are accepting which is the first thing you can do to help. Your parents will have to work out their differences by themselves and what you can do to help will be limited. The important thing to know is while your fathers appearance will change, he will remain more or less the same person. One important thing will happen and that is your father will become much happier and it will show in your relationship. You mother will need to understand this as well because often the spouse will think the person transitioning has died. What is happening is the person transition is letting the world see something they may have only seen glimpses of in the past.

An example from my own history. I was a puberty kid and figured it out at age 13. My life went on hold until age 30 when I finished my transition with surgery. While I didn't know my female side at a very young age, I showed feminine traits such as passive play, mothering younger children, I cared about my appearance and I was well behaved. Those traits continue to be a part of my personality today. Had my parents known far more than they did, they might have suspected something a long time before I told them what I really felt.

Also say hi to your dad for me as I think my post have been on his reading list.

[Cindy]

Hi and welcome.

Well you and your family may face a bit of a roller coaster time. One of the most important things is to keep talking and to try to understand how everyone feels.

I transitioned when I was 57 after knowing I was female from about the age of 5. The pain and long term effects of dealing with hiding took some getting over!

Your Dad still loves you and dearly wants your support, but she has reached a point that most of us do; accept ourselves or descend into the spiral of self harm and self loathing. She will start to undergo a second puberty as the female hormones affect her both emotionally and of course physically. She will worry about that, often becoming more emotional and expressing those emotions. She will worry about being accepted by you and the rest of her family. She will worry that society will laugh at her, that people will insult her, not accept her and not even try to understand her.

She will worry how it affects the family. She desperately does not want to lose any of you, but her situation is such that she has to finally be herself. She will worry that she has brought shame on you all.

She needs and deserves your love and support; she is being very 'brave' and will try to smile through her tears. She may become withdrawn if she feels she is hated and loathed.

Trying to understand a transgender person by a non-transgender person is extremely difficult. No one, just no one knows what it is to be transgender except another transgender person.

But we are not freaks, we are not odd, we are very normal men and women who have lived with a birth defect and have tried so hard to overcome it. Often a transgender woman has tried to be hyper masculine: It doesn't work; we aren't men no matter how hard we try, we are women. At sometime in our life we have to accept that and face the consequences, no matter what they may be.

Please accept my love and regards to you, and of course to your Dad. She will be very proud to have fathered such a remarkable child.

Cindy

[Obfuskatie]

Thankyou for Replying Dena

Sorry i wasn't specific, its hard to nail what type of questions i wanna ask as there are so many. But mostly how i can  supporting Dad and then also be there for my mum as well i guess you could say. I wanna be there for them as much as i can and also try to process this myself in the meantime.

I think it's awesome that you're here, and open to learning more about what your parents may end up going through. As your Dad's future choices will have a big effect on your family.
First, I'd like you to ask your Dad about their plan. Whether or not they see themselves medically transitioning in the next few years or just exploring their options will have a big impact. There are some immediate effects to hormone therapy, but most of the outwardly visible changes take longer to happen.
As I've been referring to your Dad with neutral pronouns, you are going to have to ask them what they prefer pronoun-wise to respect their feelings. Their decision to transition doesn't make their role as your Dad any less, but I figure being your Dad is more of an earned title than something they embody constantly. There may come a time that they will want you to call them something other than your Dad, but that's a bridge you'll cross in time.
Support both your parents as much as you can. Yes your Dad being trans may effect your Mum, but I'm pretty sure it effects your Dad more. And your Dad will be just as devastated by any perceived rejection by your Mum as she may be accepting him as a her. You Mum is not defined by her relationship to your Dad, she is still the same person just as your Dad will always be the same person that helped raise you. Your Dad will probably just be focused for once on being happy, rather than making everyone else happy and sacrificing their own out of fear and shame.
If your parents split up, try to not blame either of them. They are just people trying to figure out a very complex and sensitive issue.
Keep in mind that your Dad had likely been or known they were trans for a long time. Let them experiment with their gender presentation, and offer to help when and where you can. It isn't your job to be either their parent or guide, but simply caring about them and talking and listening to them is very integral to their making it through this stage in their life. There's nothing wrong with being trans, and anyone who gives you a hard time about your Dad is not your friend.
I hope everything goes well with your family, and you're welcome to PM me for any question you have that I can answer :-)


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[boltbabe56]

Thank you for all your replies they are all much appreciated

I think the main thing is that Dad has been dealing with this along time before i even came along so with that this makes  it easier to think how positive this is going to be for our family and also for Dad.
I am worried about what pro nouns to use as this is still so new to me. Using she instead of he or not using dad is just something I'm going to get used to.But anything to make my dad feel better or more comfortable i am willing to do.

Thank you all so much for replying i am truly thankful for the replies 

[Cindy]

Hi,

The easiest way to make sure you use the correct pronouns etc is to ask! I'm sure your Dad will be very happy to talk about it.

[Laurie K]

This is just my personal opinion,I do not expect my kids to call me mother or any derivative. I have not or will ever  earn that title. That belongs to the woman that gave them life. That is just me though. It may be hard for your mom at first but she may turn to be your dads biggest  ally. Time will tell. 

[Obfuskatie]

Oh, I wanted to add that constant open communication is going to be the key for preserving everyone's feelings. Your parents need to be talking to each other as much or more even than they talk to you. Your dad will know which pronouns they prefer, you just have to ask and then ask them to tell you if their preferences change so you can respect their feelings. If everyone keeps an open mind and an open heart, this can make your family stronger and closer than ever.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk