So today these words crossed my mind "No matter anything else, I'm Sophia, I've always been and I'll always be her". This made me realize that not transitioning is not even an option for me, no matter how much I'm scared of the whole process, I can't trick myself forever into being fine in a male body. I am also lucky that now I have some supportive friends. But it is just me that is worried of what ìs coming to me while I go forward this transformation. If anyone has alredy seen my introduction topic they'll know I mentioned I had severe trouble with depression and suicide during my adolescence. The whole reason for this is that since I was not a normal "boy" like the others, I got all sort of things to me, from a very young age. Verbal and physical abuse of all sort just because I was not masculine like the others. Growing up I changed school but it didn't change a bit. Different people same story. And I dressed normal, and was acting normal, I guess, but somehow I just would not fit with the others and they felt they had the right to treat me like that. At that time I had basically no friends (I can't believe now I have some and actually trust them), and retired from school when it became too much that it led me to attempt suicide more than once.
Since a year I'm recovering from this and started to attend school again and more in general just going out of home daily. What I'm scared of is all this returning from the outside world while I just try to be myself. Right now I look androgynous, with make up and unisex clothing, I kinow it's kind of risky for me and I alredy attract too much attention. One evening a group of people tried to follow me. Luckily I was not alone or it could have ended bad. School is troublesome but it's a school that is controlled and there are no risks for me there, but even like this I've trouble attending. Still I know I can't hide myself forever, I can hide from the outside world but not from myself. There's still time before I start HRT, today I was given the list of medical examination I need to present to the center I go before they direct me to an endo. Just few months. I have no intention of not allowing me to look more and more femmine because I'm scared of the world out there, but the dangers are real. Especially in the area I live in.
Sorry for long and boring post, I don't even know why I wrote it in the first place if not for the need to vent a bit.
