Detransition? I don't know...

[Upiór]

Hi.
I am confused.

Firstly, let me apologise for my english.

I am 19 years old. I thought I'm FTM since I was 14, maybe 15 (I wasn't girly as kid, but I didn't questioned my gender). As 16 years old I started my transition. And damn, wasn't I happy? But not for long. After a year of taking T something had changed. Some odd thoughts appeared like ''I like the way my body is changing and how does my voice sound, but at the same time I wish I could just go back". I tried to get some help from others, but they didn't understand me. They told me I should immediately stop the transition, because I'm irresponsible and definitely not trans, but that was scary. "What am I then?" I asked myself and didn't find satisfying answer. I thought I was androgynous. I wanted to wear dress one day and go fight dragons week later. I wanted to live as a guy. To be honest - I really hate female role in society, how people see women and treat them. Also I wanted to have masculine body.

Meanwhile I discovered terms like genderqueer or genderfluid. That was ok. Finally something for me. I felt both male and female at the same time, but didn't want to show the feminine part to the world. That was uncomfortable, very intimate, just for me. I was torn apart more and more. And few months later I decided to quit testosterone, but when changes had started to retreat, when I had my period for the first time after one and a half year... Well, I can't say I didn't expect that, but definitely I wasn't prepared as good as I thought.

So I got back on T. And once again I was sure that I'm going to live my life as man. My studies were about to start now, but it's kinda specific subject, so I had to take a year off to get new ID and top surgery. I didn't want to start new chapter of my life as girl, anyway they were confused where to put me in swimming classes (it's compulsory). And now I doubt. Before that I went to psychologist and psychiatrist, which is necessary part of transition in my country. I've got positive opinions - diagnosis: transsexual, no disorders like schizophrenia or something. They are worthless.

I don't know, maybe it's just dysphoria, but I can't stand beeing trans. Sometimes I introduce myself as girl on the internet. And I think... if I can do that on the web, why not in real life? I can't stand thought that I would never have biological male body, that I wasn't born cis male. I am jealous and frustrated. No matter how good the changes can be, they will never be 100%.

I built new identity. I've got support from my family... but it seems so artifical, forced. That transition didn't solve anything. My life is complicated. I admire people who know what they want. I know that my life will be full of smaller or bigger coming outs. And I don't like this vision. I am not transsexual... I am not binary too, but if there is a chance I could live as woman, should I try to go back? I know I won't be happy at all, but am I now? There will be always some difficults, no matter what I'll do. And I am scared what my family would think about my potential detransition. I don't want them to blame themselves for letting me do what I thought is right. I have no idea how to tell them that.

Besides I know that some of my changes are permanent. Body hair (I am really hairy, I like it, I wanted to grow beard some day... and I know I will miss that when I'd decide to get rid of it), voice (I can pass as guy or chick on the phone when I want, so it's not tragedy)... But how about breast? It wasn't that bad for 14-15 years old, but after 3 years of binding and 2 years of taking testosterone... well I can't say it's big or nice. Is there anything I can do without spending money? Will estrogen fix that? Of course it's not the most important thing, but still matters.

I'm not good at making life choices and this one is especially hard; who I am supposed to be?

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. It sounds like your are some where in the non binary area and we have a form for people who feel that way. I suggest you do some reading and make some post in the non binary section to get a better feel for your self. It would help if you could talk to a good gender therapist as well. At this point you really need to understand yourself better before you make more changes to your body as you could find yourself unable to make the changes you want in the future if you go to far now. Good luck finding yourself.

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[Upiór]

Thanks for response.
Yeah, I'm non-binary and that's why I'm so indecisive. The problem is I can't spend my whole life changing my mind. I want to find my way and finally stop seeking.

I've read some of the topics on this board and non-binary section, but it didn't help much.
Also I'm sure there's literally no good therapist in my country, who could help me uderstand the whole thing better. Detransition is somehow taboo, people talk about it rarely.

Thank you for those links. I perused it in advance.

[Dena]

There are online therapist that you can Skype with and the only problem might be getting your waking times lined up. You might also post a thread in the non binary areas with some of your questions as most of the site users find a section of the site they are interested in and don't often post elsewhere. An example would be MTF and FTM don't often cross into the others area. Personally I like the voice thread but I work introductions and look for problems where people have problems I can solve. As a moderator I often am reading post out side those areas looking for issues that I need to deal with.