(in case it wasn't clear from the title - Content Warning for discussion of genitalia/reproductive organs etc, also TW for penetration, menstruation, surgery mentions)
This is something I find really hard to talk about for obvious reasons, but I've been meaning to write something about this on here for months and I feel like it might be useful to just get it out there. (Also sorry if my language can be a bit vague, I find it really difficult to describe some parts of my body with certain terminology)
Whenever I've heard guys talk about bottom dysphoria it's usually been about packing and penis-stuff. But for me the biggest dysphoria I struggle with is to do with internal parts, and it gives me *way* more discomfort (and sometimes a sense of terror, I guess I think of it as a phobia) than the fact I wasn't born with a penis. When it comes to the dick thing I feel... ok about it. I guess I think of what I already have as a mini dick, I imagine there are other trans guys who feel like that too. (Also, this isn't what I planned to talk about but there is one thing I've noticed with that - I've noticed that when my partner talks about my sex toys as if they were my cock and attached to my body it kind of upsets me. It's like no I have a dick, this isn't the same thing. Has anyone else had a similar feeling?)
I feel like I've got alien parts inside me, and whenever anything is inserted I just have this overwhelming and horrifying feeling that I can't describe, and the sensation itself just feels *wrong*. To me this is the most clear dysphoria I feel, and is the strongest feeling that my body isn't the way it should be. But I've never heard anyone else say anything like this before.
Sometimes I think about surgery, and how maybe one day I'll have it all removed. Maybe in some ways it'll be medically necessary (I've been told that it's recommended after a certain amount of time on testosterone). Whenever I think about it I just feel kind of terrified, I think mostly of the recovery, and that it would hurt in places that I can't stand to be reminded that they exist in the first place. But also because of sexual function - someone told me it could mess with your orgasms because of the way the cervix dips? (Also I'm scared of post orgasmic internal pain that I've heard of once starting on testosterone. Not sure how common that is?). So whenever I think about it I just feel like I'm kind of stuck in a terrifying situation either way. I wish it could just magically not be an issue anymore but obviously that's not how it works.
I think when it comes to my body a lot of the way I've dealt with it has been via denial. I remember growing up and being in denial that I was having my period for the first time, even though I'd been educated about it, it wasn't until my mum pulled me aside that I was forced to accept what was happening to me. And I used to run around topless at home as much as I could, and I didn't acknowledge that I was growing breasts until my sister complained that it was inappropriate. So I think it's the same sort of thing, except that I find it too horrifying to acknowledge that there is a hole where there shouldn't be, so any time something physically reminds me of that reality it's just so unbearable and I have been known to have panic attacks.
I just don't know how to deal with it. I'm 26 and I'm still not used to it, so I can't see how this is ever going to improve it's just so scary. It feels extreme, but I'm sure I can't be the only one who experiences this.
