The value of therapy

[LizK]

I thought I would share what I consider a small breakthrough. For a long time I have been saying to my therapist about my family and especially my wife getting the help they need. We were talking about this yesterday and began also to discuss self acceptance.

First of all my therapist used the following quote

"What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet "William Shakespeare Romeo and Juliet.

After a short discussion my therapist said to me

"It sounds to me from what you have said that your guiltily feelings("For putting them through this") are related to your wife's acceptance because the way you see it is that you need to provide her all the tools so that she can get educated in the hope that with education will come understanding instead of pain and then she will be able to accept it. Once you believe she is Ok then you will be able give yourself permission to accept yourself. Sometimes people will never understand you but are happy to accept who you are" She went on to say that not everyone will need to understand to accept.

I had never looked at things this way and once she had said this it became obvious to me what I was doing. I was projecting my guilt (over the hurt I feel I have caused by wanting to transition) onto my wife/Adult Kids by spending huge amounts of time trying to make sure they were Ok, because if in my mind "I felt guilty for putting them through this" then I needed them to be ok and not hurting before I was able to give myself permission to be ok. I was taking on responsibility for how they were feeling about my transition....and as my therapist pointed out to me...

I am not responsible for how other people feel, Yes I am responsible for my actions but I can not make someone feel a certain way, they will either feel that way or they won't. Those feelings belong to them.

I thought about this long and hard yesterday and I have to say it has changed the way I feel about myself. I went to bed last night and slept for 6 hours which is the longest I have slept by quite a few hours in what would be almost a year now.

I got up this morning and something felt different better different and I realised that part of that feeling was due to my feelings about being Trans...they had changed and I found saying that I accepted that I was trans suddenly seemed to sit just fine with me where it previously hadn't. I have known it in my head that I was Trans for a long time, a bit like knowing that the only hope for peace for me is to transition, again I know this in my head. This acceptance is different it comes from the gut. Feels slightly weird but good to be thinking in terms of acceptance...there is a certain amount of calm that comes with this that I have not experienced before....just need to work on my acceptance of Transition now. I can feel a shift in feelings about this as well which I haven't explored yet.

To brighten my day even further, My eldest daughter told me she made a post here at Susan's asking for help ...I haven't spoken to her about how she got on but I am confident that she is in good hands with this community. 

I think I might even be feeling a little excitement when I think about what the future hold for me now...rather than all the other garbage I was feeling...letting go of my guilt has helped me accept that I am Transgendered. The guilt was never mine to hang onto in the first place.

Sarah T

[Dena]

There is no point in going through the transition unless you are at peace with yourself and accepting yourself is a big part of that. Being at peace with your self will also enable you to deal with the problems you will face in the future. You have made this step earlier that most and because you have I think you will find the transition far easer than most. I posted on your daughters thread last night and I think she will be a great help to you. She wants very much to help as much as she can but there will be limits to what she can do. You will have to work out a new relationship with your wife and that will only be between the two of you and possibly a therapist. You will also have other personal issues to overcome but you are making a great start.

[LizK]

Thanks Dena, been working things out with my wife for a long time now. I guess my daughter is not privy to that kind of very private information and doesn't know about our total commitment to each. We reaffirm this regularly with each other and despite my going to transition my wife's view is is to find a way to make it work as is mine. My wife went to therapy last night and I have been going for some time now. My daughter is a really caring and compassionate woman and told me as late as yesterday she wants me to be happy and does not care if I transition, she knows I love her, I tell her regularly.

Gaining self acceptance has been a priority for me even though I had already made the decision to transition. The decision to transition was based purely on what I know I need to do, but as you know, that in itself doesn't make for self acceptance. I have read so much that tells me to have your head in he right space before your transition. One article suggested that if you do not do the work before you transition then it makes it twice as hard afterwards...I don't know about that, I do know its hard enough now without adding anything that would compound it. So I have made that a priority and I am luckier than most that I don't have to work and deal with much of that stuff. What I do have is time to work on my own personal stuff...which I have been doing more recently.

Thanks Dena for replying to my Daughter I am very confident that this community will have given her great advice. I had a quick look at what I think was her thread to see who had replied and was heartened to see there had been some as she was getting a bit concerned that earlier she had not had a response. I just encouraged her to be patient.

Thanks for your advice and encouragement.

Sarah T

[cindianna_jones]

My therapist was a little more direct with me yesterday. She said that I've sacrificed my whole life for others. It should be my turn now. But I am older than many here. My familial financial obligations are satisfied. I still feel guilty going out to eat by myself. I'll get over it. I ate at McDonalds today. Okay, sucky poo. But it is a step.

Cindi