Hello, I'm normally able to articulate better, but I'm literally sitting here with a heavy pressing weight on my chest that I'm finally taking my first baby steps (it's taken me 5 minutes to get this out). I'm a 33 year old man, but have never felt comfortable with being one. For as long as I can think back, I'd always wished I'd been born female; but had come to accept that unfortunately it wasn't to be. I've never known any trans people, so really had nothing I could relate to. I pass very well as a guy, as I tend to enjoy 'guy' things like sports, horror movies, etc, but I always felt I would have liked those as a female regardless and been tomboyish. I've been quiet all these years because I had assumed nothing could be done about it, I was woefully ignorant. During the last few years, I've become more and more depressed with my situation.
I simply wish I was born a woman.
When I was younger, I never dared sneak into my mother or sister's clothing, so I used to take my old hockey jerseys I'd long outgrown and place water balloons inside to simulate breasts. I never did crossdress for fear of discovery and having to explain myself afterwards. I feel weird telling this, as not a soul has heard it before. I was raised in a catholic (not strict) home, but my father is not the type of man who would accept any of this. My mother is the opposite, I feel if I came to her tomorrow and opened up, she might make an offhand joke, but all would be well. High school was uneventful as I was neither popular, nor unpopular, I was like background noise. My desire to be a woman never wavered: I used to pray, wish on stars, wait for the clock to turn 11:11 daily and make a wish (foolish I know, but why discount anything?) In university, I married the woman of my life, and after 8 years of marriage, we had our first child. She is a year old now. I feel blessed to have my wife and daughter, especially my wife, who if there is such a thing as soul mates, she is surely mine.
Everyone around me only sees the happy side, and I do understand depression somewhat as my wife currently suffers it as well and I've tried to be her rock. We're happy people, but the stresses of work, bills, our futures, they affect us strongly. My problem lies in I'm sick of having to hide myself. Last month I finally started reading into trans and TG, and there is a lot of info to absorb, but I plan on reading everything to see whether transitioning is right for me. I'm lucky enough to have a great job with coverage for therapists, speech therapy, and an amazing drug plan should I decide to proceed further. I've been looking into resource centers like Sherbourne Health in Toronto, what plans to make regarding informing work of transition, etc, and while doing all this I noticed something.
I'm happy, more than happy, excited even. The thought of being able to embrace myself as a woman has had me so excited for the future I've had trouble sleeping the last week. Today I took my first big step in my eyes. I created an account here. As I stated earlier, not knowing anyone trans, I am rather ashamedly naive. I'm hoping to find people who may have experienced what I"m going through, possible mentorship on what to expect, and God I hope even make a few friends here.
My wife has noticed how happy I've been recently and is curious as to why. I don't know what to tell her... It's one of the only times I've lied, told her I wasn't sure, I was just happy. I love her more than anyone else on this world, and it was a single off hand comment she made that dashed icy water. She was reading some tabloid article about Caitlyn Jenner, and said that while she admired her for doing what she needed to, she said it must be hard on a family. For the record, her sister is gay, and came out at a time where it wasn't embraced whatsoever., so she's seen how it disrupted relationships with aunts/uncles/grandparents. It was during this tabloid talk about Caitlyn that she said that as much as she loves me, she couldn't ever see how someone could adapt to that. I asked right out "So if did that you wouldn't love me?" "No no, but I'm a straight woman, I married a man. I have no attraction whatsoever to other women". She for some reason sees me as incredibly masculine, and I don't know why for the life of me outside of liking football. It was this response though that has made this the hardest for me.
I love my wife more than anything, and I'm terrified to talk to her about this.
What I've decided so far is to wait 6 months to my birthday, in the interim read up as much as I can, talk to as many people as I can, and see if I can get into a gender therapist without her discovering (thank god my company covers their cost, no bills to explain). I don't want to rush anything, and I feel this will give me the time to think things through rationally and see if all I've ever asked for is possible.
To have my wife with me on this is paramount, I can only pray in 6 months she will support me.
Sorry for the wall of text, but it took a lot off my chest just to write it.
PS -The name Brooke is what I would like to choose on transitioning... The first time I thought of myself using this name, I was blushing, I love it.
