Pre Gender Clinic Psychologist Opinions - Not Gender but Coping Mechanism?

[Xerdazure]

Hey everyone. I'm not sure if this is the right section so please tell me if there's a more appropriate place. I'm new here so I don't know what subforums there are and this seemed at least a little appropriate.

Ok, so I have an appointment with a Gender Clinic Psych late Feb 2016 so in the mean time I'm seeing a normal Psych who doesn't have very much experience with gender issues. Today, during my appointment with him, he mentioned something that derailed me a bit.

I consider myself to be a fluid, gender queer trans male so there are qualities of femininity that I know I'd miss if I fully transitioned. I'm not very sexual either so that affects my desires and dysphoria as well. I hate my chest and baby machine and know for certain I want both gone. I like my boyish hairstyle and probably wouldn't want to change it even if there are more masculine hair styles out there. There are times I imagine having a peewee (I know, ridiculous word but I'm immature and saying the actual word is weird : p) and when I look in the mirror I feel like something in that area is not right, the shape or something. There are times I hate how small my hands are and how round my face is and my feminine head flicks and hand movements and my high pitched voice and intonations. But honestly most of the time I forget that there's a difference in the nether regions and proportions area between girls and boys. Anyway, I find that when my dysphoria is strong and I notice all this stuff I actually feel a lot better than when it's weak because for my whole life I've wanted to be a boy and never fit in with girls and when my dysphoria is weak I worry that maybe I'm not trans at all. It really gets me freaking out. Pronouns are hard to get used to for me as well, though people barely use the right ones, I'm fine when I use he with myself but when my family does it it feels strange and catches me off guard which sends me reeling wondering if I'm trans. A couple of days ago I sorted it all out in my head and decided maybe I'm not a hunderd percent either way but I prefer being male than female so I've requested my family use male pronouns. I told all of this to Dan (the Psych I'm seeing) along with some other stuff and he mentioned the possibility of my gender identity being a coping mechanism. This threw me, especially since I felt like I'd only just gotten over my confusion. I still feel like a boy, I know my physical appearance is a blockage to feeling like a boy but taking that into account I feel like one right now with almost no doubt. It worries me though because there are some things about being a guy I'm uncomfortable with, I've never liked peewees for instance and so coming to terms with having one (whether it be an elongated clit or bottom surgery) is hard. I think it's just a matter of separating other people's peewees from my own in my mind though because I'm slowly getting more comfortable with it I think, it's just so unknown and I never learnt how to use or cope with one :/. I could probably live happily, at least for awhile, without one. Anyway, I don't think it's just a coping mechanism if at all but I was wondering *clears throat* did anyone else get approached with this possibility? Can anyone else relate? What did you do in the end? Thank you for reading my rant ^^. And also sorry it was so long.

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[chance]

Xerdazure I've had some of the same thoughts.  So it might be just me and you but you're not alone.  I'm not that crazy about getting bottom surgery although I'm leaving that part of my plan open.  I don't have a problem having a penis.  I'd like one but one that works properly.  I'm not overly sexual either.  I believe society has everyone convinced that humans (even female humans) want and need sex all the time.  I don't believe that for a minute.  I've also been wondering if my therapist when I find one will say the same thing to me, that what I'm feeling is a function of a coping mechanism instead of ->-bleeped-<-. 

I like the way I am thinking and feeling as female and I don't want that to go away.  For several years now I've considered myself as two-spirit as one can be without being from the first people's and without seeming like I'm appropriating their culture.  I wonder on top of the things you mentioned, if this is going to be an issue as I navigate my transition.

Chance


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[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Xerdazure,

Lots of things happening for you now. So much so thoughts and feeling can get pushed into the background. GD can play all sorts of tricks on the mind.

Keep steady in the path you're pursuing at the present. Once you're on hormones, re evaluate your feelings and see where you stand. Hormones can change your thinking and outlook on life in some pretty big ways. February is not too far away.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.

Speak to you as soon as I finish baking this cake.

Lotsa Huggs
Catherine

[LaneD]

The dysphoria aspect.....you don't need to be dysphoric 24/7 to be trans.  There are times when things will trigger you and it feels really bad and other times where its not on your mind.  If your mind is distracted on other things you might have relief for a while.  Or say you got some new clothes and you feel good about yourself in them.  I see it as I am a guy living a normal life but when I become aware of something about my body or I am in a certain situation the dysphoria will be worse.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. We differ in the way we feel trans but there are some feelings that we have in common. Consider that you feel your body is wrong and you are on this site. I think you are coping but with transgender feeling that will never leave you. It's normal to have conflicting feelings at this stage of the game. As for your feelings about your body, FTM surgery isn't as good as surgery for MTF so opinions as what should be done in bottom surgery varies from person to person.

At some point you will need to look at what is possible and decide where in life you will be most comfortable and go for it. The only opinion that matters is yours.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

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[sam1234]

Yes, I got hit with something similar before I transitioned. I was in the psych ward for an attempted suicide. At the time, I didn't know that transgenders were real, just that I felt that I was in the wrong body and didn't want to continue life like that. The shrink only talked to me for a few minutes because it was a weekend, but he asked me why I slouched, wore a jacket inside and walked like a guy. He suggested that it was a protective mechanism.

You would think that in this day and age, shrinks would be more familiar with transgenders or at least refer patients that seemed to fit the image to someone with more experience. Unfortunately, that isn't always the case, so they draw on what they are used to. Did he suggest what you were trying to cope with?

Just because you don't think you want a penis, it doesn't mean you are not a transgender. There are multiple reasons why an F to M might choose not to have genital surgery. It depends on how far you need to go to feel comfortable with your body. Plastic surgeons can't construct a penis that will be exactly like a cis guy's, and for some, that is a problem.

Reserve your decision until you hear back from the results of your appointment at the gender clinic. You might want to see if your counselor knows anyone else who has experience with gender dysphoria. Not everyone is non functioning with gender dysphoria.

My therapist before I transitioned was a pediatric psychologist with no experience around transgenders. He was just willing to take my case when no one else would even though I was an adult. He was nice, but some of his advice was a little weird. He told me if I shaved my face every day, (this is pre-T), I would develop a five o clock shadow.

You can ask for a copy of the results of the gender clinic. When I went to Baltimore for my consultation and testing, I asked to have the entire report copied and sent to me, which she did. It gave me more insight as to how I came across to someone who didn't know me. There is no rush. Just be honest with yourself about how you feel. Most of us struggle with some aspect of gender dysphoria. Its a major life changing event. Try not to panic. Take a deep breath. If he hasn't told you, you might want to ask your therapist what he thinks you are coping with by having gender dysphoria.

sam1234

[sparrow]

I am nonbinary.  I didn't know how femme my identity was until I tried it on.  I started extremely femme, and that felt weird, so I toned it down until it was comfortable.  Essentially, I tried to fit my idea of "female" so hard that it caused dysphoria!  It sounds like you're having a similar problem.

Not every trans person transitions medically.  Some boys have vaginas, just as some women have penises.  It might be possible to do a low enough T dose that you can grow facial hair but not enough to sprout a willy.

[sam1234]

The bottom line is what makes you feel comfortable about yourself. How far you go with transition if you even choose to is an individual choice. After all, isn't the whole idea to be able to live a productive life feeling comfortable with the body you are in?

There are all kinds of combinations. No surgery, complete change, no T, T etc. You don't have to justify your reasoning to anyone except yourself. The same goes for sexual preference. If someone goes from a female body to a male body but prefers to be intimate with men, it doesn't make them any less of a man.

sam1234

[sparrow]

I wasn't aware of any aspect of my gender nonconformity until my dad was in the hospital with cancer.  Tried some fetish crossdressing, which didn't really do it for me as a fetish.  But for some reason, I kept wanting to crossdress.  After my dad was dead, my life went to ->-bleeped-<-; I got depressed, I spent my days in a dark cloud... at least two years of my life are lost to memory; I have vague memories of rage, sorrow, depression, drug abuse... and doing my best not to entertain this stupid crossdressing obsession.  It was clearly a coping mechanism!  Textbook case of it, really.

Well now... I haven't been depressed since March(ish), except for a period of genderfluidity which tossed me about until I had the nonbinary thing figured out.  Would I be happy as a guy?  I tried to step out of the house with my boy clothes on last week.  Ack!  I didn't make it out the door to my bedroom, let alone the house.  Okay...?  Turns out that "textbook coping mechanism" has taken root and this is a very real part of who I am now.

Is my nonbinary gender a "scar" from emotional damage I've taken?  Actually, I'm comfortable with the answer to that being "yes."  I'm also comfortable with "no."  The real question that must be addressed is not "is this a coping mechanism" but rather "what is the best way to ensure a healthy outcome for the patient?"

Once you identify gender as a "problem" and start digging around for a "root cause" with an eye towards resolving that root cause as a means to "solve the problem," you're firmly in the realm of conversion therapy.  And after decades (centuries?) of trying conversion therapy, the psych community has more or less come to agree that it does not work.

I recognize that this is getting long, so I'll try to wrap up.

So.  You find yourself with an inexperienced therapist who has possibly taken the first step towards conversion therapy.  But maybe he's just exploring your headspace and objectively describing the things he sees there.  Since he's inexperienced in gender issues, he doesn't know what triggers people who have them.  Only time can tell if he just said the wrong thing (or, let's be fair, if you heard the wrong thing) or if he actually thinks that gender nonconformity is a problem that needs a cure.