Help with getting perspective with spouses point of view

[Amoré]

Hi all

I need some perspective on what my spouses point of view may be on me being transgendered.
I came out to her a year ago she responded with shock and denial and all those reactions that you would expect.
The problem is a year later after therapy for both of us she can't accept me for being a transgender person.

She just can't accept me for who I am she says she can't be with a woman. I am still male physically I stopped my hormones in time before the major changes started. She can't even be intimate with me because she sees me as female and her whole perception of who I am changed when I came out and the gender therapist told me I am probably female.

She told me when we where in the mall she felt uncomfortable because she sees dresses and think that I want to be a woman and wear them.

She is trying to accept me for who I am and being with a woman. How can't she view me as a man if I am one physically and she is attracted to men physically. why can't she just perceive me as a feminine man. I am female and I am missing something somewhere maybe because I am bisexual I would not mind if she told me she identifies as male but will keep her female body for me.

Why is this a major issue for her that I identify as female do this define her perception of me as male that much?

[Black Arrow]

Well, it'd be ideal if everyone were pansexual, but unfortunately it is not so. A lot of people are heterosexual, or otherwise not attracted to one gender or another... There's nothing to do about that sadly, either she realizes she's attracted to you anyways or she simply isn't, in which case you're out of luck.

It seems odd, though, that you identify yourself by how you feel (i.e. as a woman) but expect her to accept you by your physical qualities (i.e. 'male parts') - that's inconsistent. You want to live as and be seen as a woman, and your spouse is doing exactly that - so why do you expect her to treat you as a man as far as being in a relationship with you goes? You can't have your cake and eat it too. As far as I'm concerned, she is simply treating you as the gender you wish to be treated as. Which is great, not every trans person is fortunate enough to have their family accept their "new" gender identity!

I mean, think about it. Are you only attracted to women? If so, would you date someone who is physically still female, but has a male identity and may or may not wish to transition fully at some point in the future for all you know?

[Jenna Marie]

You could take a look through the SO's section, if you want to see how some partners of trans people think and feel.

In general, though, I agree that she's basically honoring your gender identity - which has the unfortunate side effect of making her not romantically interested in you as a woman. Sexual orientation is not always fluid or changeable, and this sounds like one of those tragic cases where you're no more able to stop being trans than she is able to START being bisexual. I'm sorry.

[Qrachel]

You could take a look through the SO's section, if you want to see how some partners of trans people think and feel.

In general, though, I agree that she's basically honoring your gender identity - which has the unfortunate side effect of making her not romantically interested in you as a woman. Sexual orientation is not always fluid or changeable, and this sounds like one of those tragic cases where you're no more able to stop being trans than she is able to START being bisexual. I'm sorry.

Not much more to say given your presentation of the situation. 

Could it be time to consider getting on with both of your lives lived as you were each intended to live.  The marriage isn't what it was and seems almost completely an artifact of the past only.  There's  a great book about moving on: Women Who Run With Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.  You might want to read it; it's beautifully written and really gets at life as a woman (and a man) and how life is a series of cycles.  Give it a look; you might like it.

In writing this I truly understand how the past was different, but it isn't and never will be the future.  In fact, it's (i.e. the past) a poor substitute for the future at its best.  Your life isn't over and given a little time and some positive interest in what the future could bring free from the past will soon warm your aching heart.

Love to you my dear, love . . .

Rachel

[HollyP]

Amore
I sympathize, but I think you big sisters are right.  You can't have it both ways.  Sadly, relationships can be one of the casualties of transitioning.  You mentioned your gender therapist, and therapy for both of you.  Not sure if those are both the same.  Is it possible to get couples counseling?  I have been seeing my therapist for some time, and am pushing my wife to start couples counseling (specifically for our relationship).  She too can't see me as anything but the man she married.  Hoping counseling will help, but I have to accept that it may never change.  She is entitled to be herself, just as I am.  Be strong, its all we have. xo - Holly   

[Amoré]

Thank you all

We both are seeing different therapists I actually got a psychiatrist a psychologist and a gender therapist. I have clinical depression also and need anti depressants and other stuff. We did not go for couples counciling as yet I she wanted to go the the church councillor and I told her we need some serious people that know what they are doing. I am trying to get her to agree on going but she is insisting on separating. She says she can't find me attractive as she can't see me as a man anymore I am a woman in her eyes. She is heterosexual so this poses a problem for the future. I know as transgendered and identifying as female we want to be seen and treated as woman but  what if one decides to hide that identity and put your relationship and the person you love most in this world first. Am I being selfish to want to keep her in the marriage by staying a man but identifying as female and expecting her to be okay with it. Am I being disrespectful towards her sexuality.Am I lying to her about who I am then. I made peace with being female that owns a male body I would love to transition if I could but like I said I will give this up to keep my family together and save them the embarrassment.

[HollyP]

Amore -
I am not a professional by any stretch, and you are the only person that has to walk in your shoes.  I would stay the course with therapy to sort it out, you still sound very conflicted.  What I have learned for me is this
1. I finally know who I am
2. I can not and am not willing to give that up anymore
3. Some people are going to be able to handle it, and some won't
4. I can't live for someone else, even if I had done so in the past
My wife and I are taking this one day at a time, and frankly it scares the <you-know-what> out of both of us, on so many levels.  We had a talk last night that really rocked her world and I don't know where I stand right now.  But we are taking every step together until we don't anymore.  I won't "be" someone for her any more than she would "be" someone for me.  Much love, Holly

[genevie]

Am I being selfish to want to keep her in the marriage by staying a man but identifying as female and expecting her to be okay with it. Am I being disrespectful towards her sexuality.Am I lying to her about who I am then. I made peace with being female that owns a male body I would love to transition if I could but like I said I will give this up to keep my family together and save them the embarrassment.

It is your choice about what you think is more important. If you think you want to transition and let go of your family and wife, that is your choice. You are choosing you first. If you identify as female but keep a male body and that means no HRT and no clothing, then you are choosing your family. The question is, and it is one that I am struggling with now, can you be yourself and happy keeping the same body? I am putting my wife and our life first right now. Yes I am blending it a bit with presentation, but still being male.

[Amoré]

A problem is it is becoming like walking on eggshells for both of us. Anything sparks an argument. I am allowed some coping stuff like wearing woman's underwear but she developed like a transgender or GD radar and anything I do puts doubt in her mind and triggers her fear that I will start transitioning again. I have been on that road for three months. The damage is done. I fear that the damage might be too much even for couples counciling to fix. I would only find out once she agrees but she says she can't commit to a 6 months trial period that the therapist suggested. She is afraid she wont ever be attracted to me again. It also does not help that she knows if she leaves me I will transition. So this increases her fear of me losing my mind and that I have to transition. For me it feels sort of like a lifestyle choice once I learned who I am and accepted myself. I will feel more at home as a woman in this world I am a woman those things comes naturally to me. She picked up on the signs through the years as a can't stand body hair I was shaving of all of it since 16 years old. I got upset with why can girls wear makeup and I should walk with a blemish or an uneven skin tone with pride because I am a man and must look masculine. I tried the masculine thing playing the role and it only made me a worse person. I must be careful of repeating this mistake.

[barbie]

To maintain the conjugal relationship, and to keep my family of 3 kids, I already gave up any idea of getting HRT about 7 years ago. The doctor also said to me that he would issue a prescription for HRT only if my wife comes together with me and agrees on it. He explained that the impact of HRT is far more grave than just crossdressing in the perception of spouse.

To the eyes of my spouse and kids, I am a man and a dad whatever I wear.

barbie~~