Jayne, I'm not certain that you necessarily have to hit rock bottom so to speak before accepting yourself. I had two unsuccessful suicide attempts in the past yet my station was not necessarily at rock bottom status. In general, we all have our own perception of what rock bottom actually is, although I can say I have been there before on another issue that involved excessive use and abuse of alcohol. When I was working undercover for four years I finally hit rock bottom; the things that you will do and put in your body when you have a gun to your head to gain trust of those you are investigating. I not only came within an ant's length of losing my wife and family, I came even closer to losing myself.
I am a little concerned that you went that close to the edge; even folks who engage in euphoric asphyxia have accidents. I used to have this mummification fetish and often engaged in this type of activity. I even would perform on cam self suffocation and although the money was good, I might as well have been playing with a loaded gun. Be careful, honey, please; sometimes some of our best intentions will get us or someone else killed. At this point I could care less about anyone else; I care about you.
Now just because you don't consider yourself suicidal does not mean that you actually are; we have all sorts of ways of convincing ourselves something is not so. I really want you to talk to someone if you need to; remember we have crisis hot lines here that you can call. Otherwise, remember I will track you down, bring you to my house, and lock you in the basement with both my coo coo for coco puffs Dachshund and Miniature Schnauzer!!!!!
Don't fret about looking like the perfect Barbie doll right now either. While it was brave of you to go out how you did, you have more important things to take care of first. Transitioning is a process that does not happen overnight, nor follows a generic one size fits all plan. It comes in steps, and you cannot get to the eighth rung of a ladder without using the first few ones to guide yourself up. Anything else would be dangerous and counterproductive.
I have to go for now - the Mayor locked himself out of his office and he wants to crash in mine until a locksmith comes out. He is like See-n-Say with the string stuck, so no point in typing until I send him on his way. I told him I have the universal key but I'm thinking he might want to go with plan B.
You take care, ya hear? Be safe, and know that you have resources if you need them. You were brave enough to venture out how you did, so we all know that you're brave enough to call for help if you need it.
Always,
Marlo
