Hello everyone,

I have been on here for a little while and made a few posts in an effort to try and understand what I am. I thought that I accepted myself, at least to a small degree, that I am trans in one of its many forms.

During the past week or so, I thought I had a handle on things and was able to deal with my dysphoria and keep it contained in my head. It seemed to be working right up until yesterday. Yesterday when I woke up, I had this incredible urge to shave my legs once again (it had been several weeks since the last time). It was almost as if I was possessed and not in control of my own actions. I then put on a pair of stockings, a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and went out to be shops. It was my first time ever wearing anything visibly feminine in public. It felt good wearing it, but whenever I saw my reflection in a shop window, all I saw was a guy wearing stockings. I was filled with such complete and utter shame and disgust with myself. I hated my very existence. Which then led me down the path of thinking dark thoughts.

When I got home, I calmly took the stockings off and wrapped them tightly around my neck until I could actually hear my heart beat. I had no intention to harm myself, but I don't know why I did what I did. It terrifies me that my mind even went there. I feel like I'm hitting rock bottom and am a little worried that a day might actually come were my net toons are to actually go through with such a stupid action.

Why do I need to hit bottom before I can truly accept myself? Is this normal?

Just to be clear, I don't consider myself suicidal and do not want to end myself. It would be a stupid, selfish, coward act with no consideration for those who love and care for me. I don't know why I did what I did and hope I never do anything like that again.

I feel so stupid!

Jayne

QuoteDo you need to hit rock bottom before truly accepting yourself?

No, it is all piece of cake, sweetheart.

I think for many of us what you are finding is a common thread.  For me it was  similar except I always accepted myself.  I just thought I could beat it and ride out the storm for life.  Hitting rock bottom changed my mind on that.


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I am having such an awe full time of accepting myself. I don't want to be trans with every fibre of my being. Not because I think there is anything wrong with being trans. It's because I fear that the only solution for me would be to go all in with a full transition. I just want to be a normal guy. I don't think I have the mental strength to go through a transition with all the hurdles that come with it.

It seemed easier to cope when I used to tell myself that I was never meant to be happy and will just live my life simply existing.

Jayne

I don't recommend it.  It sucks.

If transition is right for you, it will be worth it, no matter what you will have had to sacrifice.
If transition is right for you, it will not go away.

For me it was in the climb back up from the bottom that I found self acceptance. I had been practicing more and more self care beginning with putting down the bottle. Before that I was a suicidal alcoholic mess and had just lived my lowest year ever. But I chose life and a few years later it became clear that I would always feel unworthy of life if I couldn't find a way to love mine in toto.

The best part? Finding my love of the world grow with my opinion of myself.

You may not need to hit your bottom but you do need to love yourself. One can't love things in part. Just know that you are good and you are worthy. People care about you and the world needs you in it, happy and whole.

Jayne, I'm not certain that you necessarily have to hit rock bottom so to speak before accepting yourself.  I had two unsuccessful suicide attempts in the past yet my station was not necessarily at rock bottom status.  In general, we all have our own perception of what rock bottom actually is, although I can say I have been there before on another issue that involved excessive use and abuse of alcohol.  When I was working undercover for four years I finally hit rock bottom; the things that you will do and put in your body when you have a gun to your head to gain trust of those you are investigating.  I not only came within an ant's length of losing my wife and family, I came even closer to losing myself.

I am a little concerned that you went that close to the edge; even folks who engage in euphoric asphyxia have accidents.  I used to have this mummification fetish and often engaged in this type of activity.  I even would perform on cam self suffocation and although the money was good, I might as well have been playing with a loaded gun.  Be careful, honey, please; sometimes some of our best intentions will get us or someone else killed.  At this point I could care less about anyone else; I care about you.

Now just because you don't consider yourself suicidal does not mean that you actually are; we have all sorts of ways of convincing ourselves something is not so.  I really want you to talk to someone if you need to; remember we have crisis hot lines here that you can call.  Otherwise, remember I will track you down, bring you to my house, and lock you in the basement with both my coo coo for coco puffs Dachshund and Miniature Schnauzer!!!!!

Don't fret about looking like the perfect Barbie doll right now either.  While it was brave of you to go out how you did, you have more important things to take care of first.  Transitioning is a process that does not happen overnight, nor follows a generic one size fits all plan.  It comes in steps, and you cannot get to the eighth rung of a ladder without using the first few ones to guide yourself up.  Anything else would be dangerous and counterproductive. 

I have to go for now - the Mayor locked himself out of his office and he wants to crash in mine until a locksmith comes out.  He is like  See-n-Say with the string stuck, so no point in typing until I send him on his way.  I told him I have the universal key but I'm thinking he might want to go with plan B.

You take care, ya hear?  Be safe, and know that you have resources if you need them.  You were brave enough to venture out how you did, so we all know that you're brave enough to call for help if you need it.

Always,
Marlo

Thank you all for your support.

Marlo, I know what I did was really dumb. I don't have any explanation why I did it. My intention was never to harm myself and I do know that accidents can still happen. I was thinking that exact thing while I was doing it, but I still did it. Dumb! Just plain dumb! That is on the top of my list of things to talk to my therapist about when I see her next week.

I don't want to look like the perfect barbie doll. I don't even want to be a woman. I just want to be a normal guy. As my wife keeps telling me, that ship has sailed, gone on a long cruise and sunk. So I guess "normal" is not an option, whatever normal is.

Thank you all for caring.

Jayne

Personally I think this must be the hardest part of transition - I assume you are pre- everything trans?

At the moment, I am pre surgery and pre-hormones, and what I see in the mirror is not what I am. It makes it difficult for everyone, not just me, to take what I say about my condition seriously. I guess that is the same for you, too as you mentioned what you saw was a man wearing stockings which did not fit either with your view of what men or women should be.

Later stages of transition things begin to improve - or so I'm told - in numerous ways. How one looks, obviously... but also how one feels and perceives will change too. So this is probably the worst part, coming to terms with the feeling before you take steps to fix the problems.

Hi T.K.G.W.

Yes, I am pre everything. I've been seeing avtherapust for a couple of months now, been on this website for a couple months more, and have told my wife. That's it. Oh.... And frequent mental breakdowns where I don't know who or what I am.

I don't want anything in my life to change except my body. I keep trying to imagine my life as a woman and I can't seem to make myself fit in. I'm just not interested in any of the girlie type things. I know I'm stereotyping, but I don't know many people so I have very little to compare to and I don't compare to any woman I know. In a mans world I feel like a square peg in a round hole and in a woman's world I feel like a round peg in a square hole. I'm not a very outgoing person so it is extremely difficult for me to make friends. I can count my friends on 2 fingers, 3 fingers if I count a childhood friend from the 2nd grade. I have my work colleagues, but mostly they are just that. Good people, but not close friends. So, if I was to lose the only friends I had....
I'm not sure what I am trying to say here. I lost my train of thought.

Jayne

I always felt left out of both the men's and women's worlds. Once I got a few months into transition that changed and I feel at home with the ladies as well as the non binary. I had always been a tomboy internally and now that is on the outside for everyone to see. I don't like frilly things either. Guess what? The world is full of tomboys and butch women of every stripe. I still only have one skirt that I wear very rarely and a couple of dresses that I felt obligated to buy that have never seen the light of day. I don't wear makeup for the most part and my shoes tend to be running shoes. One pair is black and pink, the other is a red and blue pair of men's sneakers. But because I am a woman most people are surprised by that. They read thaem as female shoes because a woman is wearing them. There are surprises in transition. Finding out what your womanhood will be like is the best part.

I was mostly friendless too and now I have almost no close friends. But I am building my life anew and growing as a person. I am getting new friends, folks who know and love the real me. Don't let fear be your leader. It is hard, I won't lie, but I am sure it is worth it!

I have been there too. Realizing your trans is scary. It can kinda be a shock to the system. I remember when I first realized that I was trans. I started to let my mannerisms and stuff do their naturally feminine thing, and it felt so good then I got called "->-bleeped-<-" a few times. Then I went back into my shell and started to think "how can I do this when I can't even handle being called a ->-bleeped-<-." Plus the chance that I might not ever be able to attend a family event if they found out that I was trans. So I kinda freaked out. I couldn't sleep that night. I tried to picture my future self as a man and the only image that came into my mind were images of me committing suicide. This shocked me as I wasn't suicidal like ever before this, I couldn't sleep for the next few hours and then I decided that I needed to do something. Unfortunately the only thing that I found to do was taking a bunch of sleeping pills ( like way too many).  The next day after God knows how many hours of sleep I woke up with determination to survive. And that meant exploring my gender Identity.

I don't think it is required to hit rock bottom but I did. So know that I feel your pain and you will get better.

Thank you all so much for your support. It is very reassuring to know that when I feel lost and alone there is always someone here willing to listen and offer support. Knowing that I'm not going through this alone and that others have been down this path and survived is pretty much what is keeping me going at the moment.

I am so terrified of what transition might mean for me. I might be making it out into something bigger than it needs to be. Right now I have more confidence and less fear to perform open heart surgery on myself than to face transition.

Thank you so much. I can't say that enough. You have really warmed my heart to know you all care so much.

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on November 02, 2015, 07:09:38 PM
Thank you all so much for your support. It is very reassuring to know that when I feel lost and alone there is always someone here willing to listen and offer support. Knowing that I'm not going through this alone and that others have been down this path and survived is pretty much what is keeping me going at the moment.

I am so terrified of what transition might mean for me. I might be making it out into something bigger than it needs to be. Right now I have more confidence and less fear to perform open heart surgery on myself than to face transition.

Thank you so much. I can't say that enough. You have really warmed my heart to know you all care so much.

Jayne

It is scary. Just take your time.  Work through your feelings. See a therapist if possible.  Remember that transitioning is a really slow process. Fortunately u don't need to be out to start hormones. And you don't need to live as ur preferred gender right away either. Do what you feel is best, and stay safe in the process!

Thanks Amber. I am seeing a therapist. She is very good. However, sometimes between sessions I lose my mind a bit and then posts like this one happen.

I keep telling myself my preferred gender is male. My brain chemistry does not agree and I'm having a bit of an internal battle with myself. I am slowly, emphasis on SLOOOOOOWLY, starting to learn to stop fighting myself and just accept myself for who I really am. Between all you wonderful people on here, my therapist and my most amazingly wonderful wife, I will get there eventually.

Jayne

And to think my dachshund was really looking forward to "meeting" you  lol  :-)

You stay safe, sweetie


Marlo

I don't think I've ever had much problem accepting I'm transgender, but I do have a big problem doing anything about it.

I've been trying to avoid transitioning and its been driving me nuts. Last year I got so depressed that for the first time ever I was really scared where it was leading. I began to understand why people committed suicide, and I've never understand that before. I took a few more steps towards transition, and feel much better, for now at least.

In my case at least, if you don't do anything its only gets worse with time. Much much worse. Years ago I thought this might be a possibility and started changing my life to minimize the problems it would cause. I've made good progress towards that, but it would still turn my life upside down.

I do feel I'm losing out by not transitioning, but I'm still not doing it. Medical only for the moment, no social.

Hi AnonyMs,

Forgive my ignorance, but how can you transition medically without doing it socially? Doesn't medical cause physical changes that would "out" you socially? I only ask because I don't know and that might be a possibility for me to explore for myself.

Jayne

Medically without socially would be HRT without further surgeries.  Lower dose HRT might also minimize, or at least slow, physical changes and give you time to think.  You can keep presenting male, but might have to do things like not go shirtless or wear tight t shirts depending on HRT's effects.

It affects everyone a little differently but if you don't change your presentation people probably won't notice, or at least won't make that connection.


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