Hello from NY

[texadon]

Hello, I'm a 16 year old mtf from NY.
This is weird... the first time I used a forum site was summer 2014. It was because I thought I ought to, and it was a gay teen forum. I came out that fall, no thanks to the forum. I used it to socialize and learn about gay culture but... I wasn't helped there. Now, I'm using this forum because I feel I need to, because I actually don't know what to do or how my lif is going to even work and stuff because I'm trans...

So I'm out to my mom, who kind of doesn't care/avoids it. I came out to a group of friends, but some of them have forgotten. Seriously. Or didn't understand me. Or thought I was kidding idk. All I know is one acquaintance knows and my best friend and crush knows, and he accepts, me, and I can talk about it with him, so I'm good on that front.

Ummm... I should lighten this up, I guess... I am a musician, and a creator.... My life is music. I enjoy creating things, and anthropology, and languages, but if I had to descibe my life in one word it would probably be music. But I'm extremely metaphysical soI couldn't describe myself in one word XD
I play piano, ocarina, ukulele, didjeridu, trumpet, tambourine, bongos, and am a collegiate level whistler, but mostly I am a singer. I want to go to school for ethnomusicology, because I love cultures and their growth, and how they relate to music and language. I'm learning Norwegian and French, and remember a few words from past attempts at Japanese, German, Italian, and others... As you can tell, I'm not good with sticking to a personal schedule for learning lol French is the only language I'm learning in school. I can carry myself ok in French.
I write poetry and music fairly, and draw poorly. I paint ok-ish whe I have paint. Which is almost never.
I talk too much^^^
I love to imagine worlds languages and cultures, and often escape into rpgs which I drag into my real life (for instance talking about my Skyrim husband ALL THE TIME).
I also act.
Ummmmm I really like cats.....

Alright back to serious stuff.
WHat I'm hoping to get out of this forum is answers. I can't see my life going anyway that I can enjoy right now, and I need help to get it to that point.

1)I'm a singer. It is my core being. I can't transition, because it will change my voice.
Also, I don't have the money. Nor the courage.
Also, I'm more complicated than that. If you want to get really specific, I think I'm not binary, because my sexuality is still attached to masculinity, and everything else is attached to femininity. That is, as a sexual being I'm a gay male, but the other 98% of my life I'm female. I think.
The point is, how can I live as trans with a deeper voice? I am a tenor who can handle a solid, female-sounding alto range, but professionally I'll be singing tenor or baritone, and those are the male voice parts....

2)I have this insatiable fear that if I come out I'll be the "trans kid", not "that girl", especially to the other girls. I'm afraid they won't except me as one of them.... Idk...

3)I'm worried the faculty will single me out by trying to help. For instance, apparently a lot of schools make trans chilren use unisex or faculty one-stall bathrooms. On the one hand, how do I explain that to other girls? O the other hand, I'd much rather do that then enter the girls br and have them all stare at me like some pervert...



I'm sorry this entire thing has been extremely long and whiny.... I guess its just like I said. I'm freaked out because his time I actually need help....

Thanks?

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Don't worry about the voice because that can now be fixed. My voice could hit Bass ranges but topped out at about a G3 and speaking range was less. I had surgery to shorten the cord length and can now comfortably hit a range haven't been able to hit before puberty. Who you are attracted to isn't important. The two questions you need to answer are who do you want to go to bed as (gender identity) and who do you want to go to bed with (sexual preference). In the case of transsexualism on gender identity matters. Post surgical we can be gay, straight, bi or asexual. School vary depending on where you are and that is something that will need to be worked out when the time comes. Many kids your age have transitioned and it is becoming easer by the year.
In any case, feel free to ask me anything as I am post surgical 33 years and comfortable answering your questions. Should you be interested in my voice story you will find it here.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,192393.0.html

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[texadon]

Thanks, Dena!  Although I think you misunderstood my voice qualm- I don't want to raise the pitch of my voice. It's one of the only things I like about myself, and I'm a bit of a hippy about natural things- natural voice, natural hair, etc. That's the hard part is that I want to keep my tenor voice, but that might mean performing a recital in college singing tenor... in a dress XD

Although  took the time to read your post about your voice and it was beautiful! It brightened my mood enough to be as cheerful as I am in this reply  I hope you like your new voice, even if it is a bit raspy. I'm sure it's still beautiful!

[V M]

Hi texadon 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi texadon,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while. Awesome !!! You play the 'didje.' Whole new world of circular breathing.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Cut yourself a bit of slack. You're still developing. This is a journey you're on. Things will be revealed as you engage and go along. Little bit like reading a book. Yu never find who did it until the last page.

Gender counseling is always a good place to start. They can help you find the answers you hold within.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Speak to you as soon as I put the groceries away

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[Dena]

Therapy can give you a higher voice than you currently use allowing you to return to your natural voice when you want. I have helped several people do it as it can be far less costly than surgery and many can do a very good feminine voice with therapy alone. My voice just wasn't capable of sounding feminine without surgery. The process involves using a head/mouth voice to speak and it can become so much of a habit it becomes hard to return to the chest voice.

[texadon]

Therapy can give you a higher voice than you currently use allowing you to return to your natural voice when you want.

This actually sounds really interesting, thank you for sharing!! I'll have to look into it...

[Nattiedoll]

Hi texadon, I'm in Newyork as well, Long Island.

Anyways, I see that you are stuck with transitioning.

I want you to know that it's better to deal with it now so you can get it out of the way and live the rest of your life happily. Always remember if you feel trans and always have, do not avoid it, you will have to eventually. Don't worry about what other girls have to say they don't have a right to question your gender, it takes a real woman to be a transgender woman so they can say whatever they want. As far as the bathroom rules go from the facility, now a days transgenders are always using the regular restrooms they deserve to go in, the faculty might suggest that you use a nurse or non gender bathroom but it's only because they are looking out for you, however the restroom you want to use is your choice. I know it's hard to have courage to come out as trans I dealt with that most of my life. I guess you are the one who needs to come up with the courage by realizing how much you would want to transition and think about how good it will be just fantasize alittle. I know transitioning can be expensive but one of the advice that is told from many trans woman is to take your time! There is no rush! If you start making steps now to transition by 17 18 you can go full time if you feel the time is right. You can transition and go full time tomorrow or in years from now there is no right or wrong time for you going full time. For me I knew in the back of my mind I wanted to transition so I started small steps growing hair buying wardrobe over time laser hair removal then I went on hormones etc you can always save up for future surgeries while you are full time. As far as the voice goes you don't have to change your voice. If you aren't comfortable with your voice as a woman you can always do voice therapy to find your voice. When you sing, you can always go back to your old singing voice why not? Plus voice therapy is good training for singers in general. I hope I helped you, I tried lol. I'm open to talking about anything. Hope it works out!

[gennee]

Hi Texadon and welcome to Susan's. Thank you for sharing your story. Another NYer here, from Manhattan.