Ignorant supporters vs Informed naysayers

[captains]

Hello again, everyone. I had an interesting experience today that I though might make for an equally interesting discussion. But maybe not! Anyway...

For those who don't know, I identify as a non-binary trans guy. I'm definitely, unquestionably more M than F, but where I fall on the scale from "sorta dude" to "FULL DUDE" is still unclear to me.

Top surgery is on the horizon for me, so I went to see a therapist today. This guy had 40 years of experience but was obviously ignorant of trans issues. I figured I was going to be in for a rough hour. 

I ... was wrong. 20 mins in to my hesitant chattering, he interrupted me: "Look. it's obvious you're not a woman. I don't know anything about transgender but to me, you're 70-30 boy vs girl."

He continued, "You clearly need a mastectomy. That's the only sensible thing here. On the scale from normal to extreme, you're well past the transgendered line. Not just the usual bisexual. Probably at the 75% mark. I'm just not sure if you're extreme transgender or just low key transgender."

"Normal"? "Extreme?" "Transgenders/transgendered"? He used all the wrong language and he was totally uninformed (he went on to say that testosterone probably won't do anything), but at the same time, he was right! He was supportive, open minded and he actually listened to me. I came away laughing a little bit ultimately, feeling affirmed.

Contrast this with some of the experiences I've had in very LGBT spaces, where I've gotten lost in minutiae, talked in circles about gender politics, been accused of being anti-feminist and a gender traitor, and felt ashamed and belittled at every turn... by people who used all the Right Words, of course. My last therapist (specifically a gender therapist!!) told me "Well, gender is a construct and all people should explore their gender. So, why choose to be a man (ie: oppressive)?" I left that meeting feeling sick.

I know we tend to assume the opposite, but have you guys ever hand any experiences where being ignorant vs informed had no correlation with the actual transphobia a person had?

[Devlyn]

It's intent that matters, not the words used. This story is a textbook example of that. Thanks for sharing! 

Hugs, Devlyn

[suzifrommd]

A guy like that could do a lot of damage, though I'm glad he came through for you.

[Cindy]

Just make sure he knows the difference from a double mastectomy to a chest reconstruction . There is a difference. Guys know it!

[captains]

A guy like that could do a lot of damage, though I'm glad he came through for you.

That's true. I dunno. I had low expectations because I came to him through a free counselling service provided by my university that's aimed primarily at supporting students with depression. I knew he was unlikely to have encountered trans issues, but I can't really afford "gender therapy" at the moment. I was just... idk, idk, the stuff about gender vs sexuality and the "extreme trans" stuff was pretty wild, but. I don't know! I just came away with the impression that he was a solid dude, in the end.

[Obfuskatie]

Most of the people in my life are the ignorant supporter kind. They fumble about for the right words often, but clearly see I'm happier presenting and being perceived as a woman. My family and a few of my guy friends still struggle with the right pronouns, but I'm patient with them because I know they just need time to come to terms and didn't have the 25+ year heads up I had about myself.
Whether or not this is fair, cis people can't possibly know what it's like to be us. Being trans to me, is like being cut away from a major part of myself until I finally began to transition and live authentically. Each milestone so far in my transition has given me a little more of myself that I'd buried. There are plenty of metaphors that can translate my experience, but without a shared experience to base it off of, a cis person can't actually empathize.
This kinda seems a bit rambly to me, but I hope my point is coherent enough ;-)

     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[captains]

Just make sure he knows the difference from a double mastectomy to a chest reconstruction . There is a difference. Guys know it!

Definitely -- although at this point, I'd chop 'em off with gardening shears and walk away pleased with the result! My preferred surgeon, Dr. Garramone, has a checklist (http://drgarramone.com/pdf/apsiftmrecommendation.pdf) which is very helpful in my particular situation. My hope is that I'll talk through some stuff and at the end of the day, get those boxes ticked. But maybe that's too optimistic, haha.

[Anna33]

It's intent that matters, not the words used. This story is a textbook example of that. Thanks for sharing! 

Hugs, Devlyn

I agree with you. The concept and the insight is what matters. Everyone needs time to readjust, but when they mean well that's all that matters. In my little experience, people generally try their hardest to not offend us, and come across super friendly.