First therapy session " On Becoming She"

[Dena]

Is this a selfish act?

Everyone is entitled to happiness. Far to many of us sacrifice our happiness for somebody else to have their's. It is good to give but not at the cost of living in misery. You are only asking for one thing so consider how much you have given in the past. I don't consider it to be a selfish act to ask for the one thing you need to survive.

[Dorian Wilde]

Being caught in this "in between" stage is so hard right now.
I am really struggling.
To be moving forward with purpose beats floating in limbo, but there are times that make it even more difficult. Possibly because I see that light, the rescue beacon in the distance, but is seems so far away.
I need to find the strength to carry on, all along keeping my charade in tact.
D

[Dorian Wilde]

3 weeks until next session.
A lot of time to ponder.
Since starting therapy, my condition has really gone inside my head.
The relief I have acted on no longer has any effect.
Dressing is such a topographical remedy to my much deeper condition.
I have been so focused on my internal issues, it is time to get back to my body.
All I can do at this point is working hard on what I do have.
Eating healthy, juicing is really helping to get rid of toxins. And working out.
I have been eating soy and soy milk, drinking spearmint tea.
It may only be a placebo, but at least it feels like it gives some minor relief.
Working on my voice is really coming along. I practice daily while driving.
It used to be, dressing made me feel my she on the inside shine,
Now it is her on the inside emerging through and coming out.
D

[kaitylynn]

Hey Dorian, treating your body right now will pay dividends forever and it is one of the first steps we should all take.  It is not contingent upon any external force, but is in answer you our our whims and desires.  You are speaking of focusing on the foundation of who you wish to become and it is as important as any other step along the path!  *hugz* Keep heart, this is a path into the rest of your life and all good things take time

[Dorian Wilde]

Hugs and gratitude kaitlyn!

[DianneM]

Dorian....
I am right there with you and can really relate to your post. Since i made my decision my thinking has changed i am eating differently and yes....i am juicing too!!😀 I'm finding it more and more difficult to contain myself even though i know i have to for now. I hope to start HT this Wednesday and it will be interesting and exciting to see what that brings!! I expect that I will have a tougher fight to keep to my original timeframe.....i will do it but i know it's gonna be hard..... Good luck and enjoy your emergence...!!
Hugs
Dianne
xo

[Tessa James]

My wife (unknowing of my condition) and I took on the responsibility of internationally adopting an orphaned child. I made a commitment to the well being of this child to the end. I love her beyond words.
In a sense, she would be losing her Dad.
She see's me for who I am at times. Referring to me as such a pretty girl, jokingly. Then calls me mommy, oops I mean daddy. I in no way present myself as female around her. It's like she can see right through me.
The cost far exceeds anything financial.
I seek to find a balance, if that is even possible.

Hello and welcome Dorian,

"she can see right through me"  I am a senior tansitioner but exhibited my somewhat girly ways all my life.  Enough so that my son and daughter were not surprised when I came out.  My daughter and I remain very close.  My son was never really OK with my being less of a man and was able to see that "It makes sense now that I was being raised by two women."  He did not mean that to be flattering and added the barb of "you were too chicken to be honest."  He does not speak with or see me now.

What I am suggesting is that keeping our "secret" and avoiding transition does not really guarantee our relationships with offspring or spouses will be any better because we didn't tell.

I feel I can be a far better parent and spouse by simply telling the truth about who I am.

[Dorian Wilde]

I was exploring options.
Looking at the gains and losses of each scenerio.
So much is speculative but there are some certainties.
One option is to do nothing.
This hardly seems like a choice. Almost unbearable to even consider.
The option on the table is low dose HT.
To see how that fits in my world. For now probably my best choice considering my situation.
The speculative part and concern is that it may work faster than expected considering how feminine my body already is.
The certainty is, my mind and body would respond well.
Then of course full blown transition. If it was up to me, I am there.
I have to approach this responsibly. There are so many aspects that would effect my sustainability and the well being of others.
This time in between sessions has been difficult because there is so much to go over, but it has been productive by gaining perspective on defining what the options are.
World............meet Dorian.
D

[DianneM]

I love that you are so grounded Dorian....your sense of responsibility is remarkable and should be an example to all of us. You are handling your situation incredibly well considering how difficult it is.
Hugs
Dianne
xo

[Dorian Wilde]

Seeking moments of being ok. To confront dysphoria head on has changed the way it effects me on a day to day level. Understanding it has removed some of the guilt factor. To feel a moral disadvantage because of the "Big Lie" I have maintained my whole life, has started to diminish.
Maybe I can start to be present in my own life.
D

[kaitylynn]

Moments now, a lifetime soon.  Once you get used to loving yourself, it becomes the norm.  Not to say that there will never be hard times with stuff...just a good state becomes a bit of an addiction.

[Jacqueline]

Dorian,

I am with you on this. Just started therapy last year. Moving very slowly. 51 myself. You have had some great advice and insights. Have to admit, I have problems when my therapy sessions get spread out that far. Although I have to admit, it is going on 3 weeks when I go again Thursday. I have 3 kids and have had a 25 year anniversary. Have only come out to my wife and oldest.

It is a long slow path. I am sure we will see many more great posts from you in the future.

Welcome, great to hear from you.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Dorian Wilde]

Moving forward, screeching halt or moving backward.
Or.......D, all of the above.
I guess this is a test of my determination to move forward with the process of becoming she.
D

[kaitylynn]

Hey Dorian, it is a process.  We make progress even when we have to look back.  There is no manual, no "correct" way to get to where we want to be.  Enjoy the journey, every twist and turn as they are unique to our own experience.  The main thing, be true to yourself!

[Dorian Wilde]

This is where the support of  others who truly understand our journey and challenges is so critical for me to move forward.
It feels like......"On/No Becoming She" sometimes.
There is so much resistance, judgement and the lack of understanding going on in my world.
I continue to be true to myself, but at a cost.
Visible changes are occurring, along with strange looks from those who know me and don't .
Not there as a she, not present as male. It feels like being in limbo.
I feel her, I hear her, I need to see her.
D

[Dorian Wilde]

Today I embrace the energy of my feminine essence.
Let my she shine!
D

[Dorian Wilde]

The first step in this journey is therapy.
It has been quite a ride so far.
Looking forward to what is ahead, I imagine........
It feels like a roller coaster, I am at the first part of it when it goes up and up to the highest part,
Getting ready to hang on for what's next.
D

[kaitylynn]

I found that things went a bit smoother when I let up on the white knuckle grip and let life start rolling along.  Just remember, it will all be ok!

[JoanneB]

I found that things went a bit smoother when I let up on the white knuckle grip and let life start rolling along.  Just remember, it will all be ok!

It is obvious you aren't a New Jersey daily driver 

[kaitylynn]

It is obvious you aren't a New Jersey daily driver 

lol...nope