First therapy session " On Becoming She"

[Dorian Wilde]

Greetings!
I had my first therapy session a week ago. It was like coming out for me, as it was the first time verbalizing the details of what I am going through. It felt so good to get it out.
I am 51. It has felt like I missed my window to transition, and my situation at home would resist me from pursuing taking steps to becoming the person I wish to be.
My second session is still  a week away. Note to self..........2 weeks is way too long in between appointments.
The first session opened up the flood gates of emotions.
I am taking this time to "try on" the thought of hormone therapy and how it would look in my world. Outside of myself there is no room for it. Inside, my heart, mind, body and soul is screaming for it.
D
 

[JoanneB]

Congrats!

I still find it amazing how actually speaking something out loud to another person and especially hearing yourself say it has such a different emotional impact then simply thinking them. Same goes for journelling. Writing sort of forces you to focus more on the feelings rather then simply reacting to them

[Dorian Wilde]

Thank you Joanne.
I am finding talking and journaling is a great help. I am so thankfull for this forum to be able to do so. I am so emotional right now. By taking the first step has awakened the sleeping giant. I am caught in this "in between" state of being, not able to exist as a male any longer, but my situation requires me to. Not being able to be outwardly female, as my situation prevents me. The complexities of this are baffling.
To pursue my journey would most likely come at a tremendous cost. Financially of course, but also the cost of everything I have spent my life working towards.
To put it all on the line to move forward tells me how powerful of a condition gender dysphoria is, and not to be underestimated or dismissed. I have managed to make it this far by coping in various ways. I am tired of fighting it.
This is way bigger than anything I can handle alone.
I am reaching out for help.
D

[cindianna_jones]

I completely understand the hesitation the need to have to fight to keep your financial gains. I finally decided that I wanted to be happy instead of fighting. Then, after transition, I had to fight for equal pay as a woman. It never ends for us it seems.

Someday perhaps the world will see us differently. I see many changes happening.

Cindi

[JoanneB]

I know the fight well between a semi-invalid depressed chronically ill wife of 30 years, or hopes, wishes and dreams of a future, and financial responsibilities all come ahead of chasing after a dream. Other needs and priorities come first to which I think I am amongst the lucky ones. I have a choice.

I still do all I can to find happiness and joy in having a life that is more genuinely me

[Dorian Wilde]

My wife (unknowing of my condition) and I took on the responsibility of internationally adopting an orphaned child. I made a commitment to the well being of this child to the end. I love her beyond words.
In a sense, she would be losing her Dad.
She see's me for who I am at times. Referring to me as such a pretty girl, jokingly. Then calls me mommy, oops I mean daddy. I in no way present myself as female around her. It's like she can see right through me.
The cost far exceeds anything financial.
I seek to find a balance, if that is even possible.

[Dena]

Which do you think would be better for your child. Two happy mothers who love her or one depressed father and a mother? What she will gain in exchange for the father she will lose? I think her life will be far better if you are comfortable with yourself. Younger children adjust much better because they only worry about who loves them and not about what others think. The balance is a life where you are happy with yourself. Just explain to to her that your inside will never change and it's only the outside that's changing.

[Dorian Wilde]

OK ....group hug!
Thank you for hearing me.
Thank you for responding.
D

[newlady]

Hi Dorian,

I can so relate to how you feel, i am in a similar situation and point in my life.
Its so comforting to realise that your not the only one, and others are in the same situation. Talking about it for the first time to someone is a revelation. such a relief. i cried afterwards.

Hugs

Bernadette    (((^_))

[Dorian Wilde]

Bernadette, you are not alone sister!
Dena, thank you for your insight. I hope my wife is understanding and accepting. It is going to take work.
Gratefully,
D

[Dorian Wilde]

2 more days until my next session. It can't come soon enough. The first was an initial consult that rolled right into a lengthy session. I am so grateful the universe led me to her. She is wonderful.
It is time to roll up my sleeves and get to work. I am so ready to pull back the layers of emotions that has been consuming my focus. Time to get real.
My girl world has been stealth for so long, it seems distant from reality.
I seek her.
On Becoming She.
D

[DianneM]

Hi Dorian,
Thanks for sharing and I hope you find your path. I'm 57 and just starting transition I have therapy tomorrow and I can't wait to get there! The years of denial have caused all of the emotions to flood out of me and it's all overwhelming at times but it's filled with excitement and happiness as well as the sadness of what I know I'll be giving up.
Good luck....
Dianne
xo

[kaitylynn]

Dorian, it is NEVER too late to become who you are meant to be.  I have met many women that started early and many that started late.  There is a common thread, once on a path to self fulfillment...we all feel happier.  Not saying that there are not trials, but the challenge of internal conflict being scratched off (or at least minimized) is HUGE.

Live love, no regrets and no remorse for being you.  Each moment we spent before the point of our decision has a purpose too!

[Dorian Wilde]

Maybe today will bring me closer to defining the blurred line I have been straddling.
Clarity of the direction to go.

[Dorian Wilde]

I find myself standing at the crossroad of cross gender.
Facing making a decision.
Is this a selfish act?
I know in my heart what I want.
I was seeking clarity going into today's session. That is what I took from it.
This was one of those few moments in life, for me, that was perfectly clear.
Today revealed what I already knew, but was clouded by doubt, guilt and denial.
It was a great example of what effective counseling can achieve.
Moving forward.
Get past the grieving.
I had not realized the constant presence of the feeling of loss. It became the new normal.
As time went on, I was losing her, my inner she.
Then only to realize that she is me.
The loss is being at the crossroad.
D

[LizK]

  keep going, keep going  you are doing great

[kaitylynn]

The answer is within you already Dorian.  A great therapist will help you to 'realize' your potential while attaining your dream as they help coax the answers from within you.  Go into this knowing that 'you got this' girl!

[Dorian Wilde]

I was asked if I felt "whole" as as person. I was so quick to respond with no.
Then was asked if I felt "broken". Again immediately without thinking about it said yes.
That really stuck with me.
By acknowledging outwardly and addressing my dysphoria has given me a little piece back of being whole again.
As far as being broken, to really look at it, the closest I can understand, is the misalignment of my body and soul.
At this point , I can only imagine what it is like to exist as a whole person.
I got a glimpse after my last session this week.
D   

[kaitylynn]

It is really awesome to hear about your experiences with therapy!  When approached with openness, but really can help us a lot!  I never really thought of it as a "whole/broken" thing.  Your statement of misalignment is spot on, in my case as well!  I would think that soon that 'glimpse' will open up to a most excellent point of self perspective 

[Debra]

Congratz! And welcome! =)

I am 51. It has felt like I missed my window to transition, and my situation at home would resist me from pursuing taking steps to becoming the person I wish to be.

It's never too late. Take it slow and figure out what the best path for you will be. My adopted mom (whom I met shortly after I came out) finally transitioned MTF at 57. She did struggle with not having transitioned earlier in life (don't we all ?) and despite her divorce and estrangement from her kids, she lived a pretty happy life finally being herself....making new friends and being accepted for who she was.