My Sister, lost at 14 now lost to me again ;_;

[Sarah82]

Some background first: My childhood was not pleasant for neither my siblings nor myself. There is much I don't know about what happened to my sister, I do know that she left home when she was fourteen and moved in with friends.
We met once or twice while we were at the same university but did not reconnect until she was nearly twenty-five and even then things have been strained.
We met several times over the last few years. On those occasions my sister would not speak of the past, our parents, or reminisce on the few times we were happy.

When I told her about my transition I immediately knew that she didn't understand I have hoped she would at least talk to me. I have tried speaking to her on the phone, as she lives in another state, but she always claims to be busy and so I have written to her.

Me:
Hi (did), are we OK? I only ask because the last few time we spoke you seemed a little uncomfortable about something.

Sister:
I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances. I'm doing my best to be respectful to you and your choices,  I hope that you will do your best to reciprocate.  Please understand that this is difficult for me and I do worry about you but am trying to maintain or relationship as best I can right now xx

Me:
I was just worried that's all. We haven't had the best relationship for numerous reasons and I was jealous of you and often unfair to you because of this.

I'm sorry, neither of us had a say in how we were born and it was wrong of me to take out my confusion and frustration on you. I hope you can forgive.

I've wanted to say that to you for a while now but it has never felt like the right time.

I know acceptance can take time, I've had over 20 years to come to this point and this is something recent for you.

I love you sis
xxx

Sister:
No one gets a choice.  You don't actually know very much about my life. It has been very hard. We were not loved and protected by our parents and instead neglected and abused. If you think, had you been born female, your life would have been better you are wrong. It would just have different. As I say you are free to live how you please. Respect my rights and my boundaries please and don't pressume you know my experiences.

Me:
I don't presume to know what you went through only what I went through and what I did and feel the need to make amends for.

I do not think that my life would have been better or easier if I had been born into the right body, in many respects it would have been much harder and it will be even more difficult now that I can be myself.

If you don't ever want to hear from me again I'll respect that.

Sister:
I love you but I can not support you in this idea that you are some how in the wrong body and that by changing your physical body you will be happy or be who you really are. You are who you are, you can not change the internal by altering the external. I agree with you that this is a very hard path you have chosen and am very concerned that by attempting to live as a woman you will damage both your body and your mind. I do not want to remove you from my life but please be aware that for my mental health and the safety of my family I need to have boundaries. I love you and I do not agree with you, but I respect your right to live as you chose.

These last few correspondences have left me feeling awful, that I should just give up. I just wish she could know me as a sister, to know that I was so scared to show myself when we were younger, and that she forgives me for my jealousy.

[Dena]

Totally off the wall and I could be very wrong but it sounds like your sister may have been abused before she moved out. She may still have unresolved issues as the result and can see the alternate path where you were both born female and received the same treatment.

It's very likely that she will not accept you until her issues are resolved. If you can, it would be best to point her in the direction of receiving some therapy to stop her from living in the past and start living for the future. She is still in a good deal of pain and as you know, it won't go away without treatment.

[Sarah82]

Thanks Dena,
I can only speak from my experience and my own abuses my have left me blind to hers.
I have tried talking to her about therapy but she resists any such conversation.
What hurt most is that she somehow sees my transition as a danger her family's safety and her mental health. She has three daughters and I love my nieces.

[Dena]

That might be the way to help her. If you were abused, sharing that part of your life and how you found peace might help her see the way to her own peace. Once she can talk, it's possible the door will open for more.

[Sarah82]

When I told her about what our mother did to me she changed the subject and refused to speak of it again.
I wish I could help her, to ease her pain, and let her know that talking does make it easier to deal with.

[Dena]

You have made the effort and now she needs to want to get well. As she is an adult, maybe time will help but she will have to make the first move. It would be nice if I had a better answer for you but at this stage, you have few if any options.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Sarah,

It's unfortunate and so debilitating that life can be soooo bloody awful. Especially to the ones we love the most.

Dena hit the nail on the head about the abuse your sister encountered. Sadly, it's a part of our lives that we must each individually face our own nemesis, usually alone, face to face, before we become victorious over it.

There is little you can do, except send light, energy, love, whatever is your recipe for life to her. She has stated very succinctly, her boundaries, her beliefs, and you must respect them, as she is respecting yours.

I will respectfully disagree on one very important issue your sister raised. Your internal perceptions of who you are, CAN and WILL change, if you change your external appearance. There is much said and written in psychology about the congruency of mind and body. It's a very powerful medium. I further disagree you will damage your mind and body, doing what you are doing through transition. If you remain true to yourself, follow the examples of others in taking the professional road to transition, I guarantee you will be a far better person for it.

Your sister needs her space, grant it to her, but leave your door open to welcome her in, once she has battered her nemesis.

Love
Catherine

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901


*hugs*

[Sarah82]

Thank you all for your support and advice.
I really want to ask her to explain how my transition is a danger to her family, yet I also want to respect her boundaries.

I feel that if I give her the distance and time she asks for she will simply ignore the problem as she has done previously with other difficult issues.

My father is more accepting and many people think he is a right wing racist/sexist/homophobe/etc.

I don't know why this is consuming me so. I want to go to her and help her understand, to help her as I was never able to as a child. It hurts to know that she feels this way and denies me any attempt to defend myself, to prove myself.

It's late and I'm rambling. Thank you all again.
Hugs,
Sarah

[Laura_7]

This resource is a letter from an accepting dad:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195129.msg1740788.html#msg1740788

It shows quite a few points cis people might not understand...
cis people often simply can not relate and might have some restraints, maybe from something they read or have watched on tv (which is changing now)...


hugs

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Sarah,

It's hard, I know.

I feel that if I give her the distance and time she asks for she will simply ignore the problem as she has done previously with other difficult issues.

That's totally fine. That's her call, not yours. If she chooses to ignore it that's her choice. You have to respect that. You are both adults.

If you have no idea what she's been through, you have no right to attempt to unsolicitedly help her. Doing so could make her situation intolerable, to the extent she may do something unpredictable.

I don't know why this is consuming me so. I want to go to her and help her understand, to help her as I was never able to as a child. It hurts to know that she feels this way and denies me any attempt to defend myself, to prove myself.

This is your bit to work on. Find out why it's consuming you. I'm inclined to think there are other agendas driving it.

Speak to you as soon as I make tomorrow's lunches

Huggs
Catherine

[KristinaM]

Sister:
I love you but I can not support you in this idea that you are some how in the wrong body and that by changing your physical body you will be happy or be who you really are. You are who you are, you can not change the internal by altering the external.

Well she obviously still doesn't get it.  You're not trying to change the internal.  Your internal is what it is, the end.  You're just trying to make your external less in-congruent with that fact...

I don't have any links or evidence to back this up, but I remember reading about how transgender brains that have been running on the "wrong" hormones for years will actually improve once they get the "right" ones in their systems too.

[KristinaM]

What hurt most is that she somehow sees my transition as a danger her family's safety and her mental health. She has three daughters and I love my nieces.

My sister also isn't allowing me access to her children.  Two nieces and a nephew of mine.  She feels my lifestyle is unhealthy for them and that they are too impressionable to be around me or some such nonsense.  She should've have raised more resilient and less sheltered children then in my opinion, lol.  One's already 19 and the other will be 18 soon enough, then it won't really matter what she wants.  Adults are adults, though going behind her back may hurt our relationship.  We never really had a relationship to start with so if she comes even more unglued by my contacting them, it won't be any skin off my teeth.

[Sarah82]

Hi everyone, thanks again for your advice and your empathy.
It has been just over a week since my conversation with my sister.
Today we held a memorial service for my grandfather and added a leaf to the memorial tree at the palliative care unit where he spent his last days. I took some photos to send to my father, brother, and sister.
She wrote back and asked me to give her love to Nana.
I asked if it would be OK if I sent Christmas gifts for her three girls. She said I could provided I "Use your real name and don't make any mention of your life choice" as she won't tell her children until they are older.
This bothered me as it would require me to lie to my nieces, to pretend that I am someone that I am not, to once again hide who I am.
I told her about how our cousins children have accepted my transition after their parents were open and honest with them. I mentioned that the book I was reading, The Transgender Guidebook by Dr Anne L Boedecker PhD sites research showing that younger children find accepting transpeople easier than older children or teenagers.
She responded by telling me that she has already decided not to tell them because she doesn't agree with my "choice" as it's just some kind of "mental illness".
I got a little angry at that and told her that no-one chooses to be transgender, that it is not a mental illness, and to say so was bigoted.
She then told me that "It is not bigotry to understand biology!" (Edit: I have since learned that this is the new catch cry for many Christian groups to denounce everything from marriage equality to homosexuality and transgender.)
Where as before I was upset I was now furious!
I told her that those words have been used to persecute countless people from homosexuals, racial minorities, to transgender people and I neither call or write to her while she held this view but that I hoped she would one-day change her mind and contact me.

So I am done with my sister until she contact me.
I hope that when my nieces are older they will be more open minded and not poisoned by my sisters ideas.

[Laura_7]

I would advise not to go this way.

Sometimes things get emotional and heated.
It starts to get away from the subject, being purely emotional and each one trying to be right, apart from facts or deeper feelings.

It might be a good idea to always stay calm and simply reiterate facts.
This might help people think about it and maybe come around eventually.

Of course the other way is to get emotional and hope the others get it over time, especially since its an important point for you.

What she says with nature and biology is simply not true.
Transgender people have been around in all cultures so its not a cultural thing but has to have biological connections.
Same for being gay by the way.

There are differences in the brains of men and women, fixed before birth.
In transgender people, it was found from autopsies that the parts corresponded to those of the gender they identify with.
This development is controlled by transmitter substances before birth.
There are even substances which are known to cause a higher ratio of transgender people.
There have been products which are off the market now.

There are other birth conditions where people are called to help, too.
Its not a perfect world yet. People are called to help and support each other in such cases.

And transgendner people are simply normal people, with cravings and needs like everyone else, apart from being transgender.


I personally would write a letter, stating facts and summing to hope for an agreeable solution.

This way a tug of war of who is right or wrong might be avoided.


*hugs*

[Sarah82]

Thanks for your input Laura.
My sister already knows this information, we both studied education at the same time, at the same university, and it was required reading for our psychology and development classes as well as sex education.
I know she knows this because we discussed it all those years ago, one of the times we met, and she did better in that class than I did.
She knows but she still says horrible things.

[Laura_7]

Thanks for your input Laura.
My sister already knows this information, we both studied education at the same time, at the same university, and it was required reading for our psychology and development classes as well as sex education.
I know she knows this because we discussed it all those years ago, one of the times we met, and she did better in that class than I did.
She knows but she still says horrible things.

Well two people can interpret and store the same information in a completely different way.

I personally would write the letter:
-to help her get the information again, in the right context
-to show you are open to agreeable solutions and don't see this like an emotional exchange of who has to be right


hugs

[Sophieraven]

Hi Sarah, not a lot i can say really other than keep the lines of communication open and hope that she will see the light eventually. At least you have all you new "sisters" on here to care about you.
Sophie

[Nema]

Sarah,

  Please don't think that I'm being harsh or inconsiderate of your feelings with my advice. I'm only trying to give you the best advice that I can, based on your situation.

  I understand that you want to have your sister to be part of your life. But, you  have to realize that, no matter how bad you want her to be on your side, it doesn't mean that it will ever happen. You've gone out of your way several times to make it known to her how you feel and where you stand. The ball is in her court now. If she were to choose to do so, she could come to you with apologies and acceptance. But, you have to have enough self respect to say enough is enough.

  There are basically three types of people when it comes to acceptance. One type will accept you as soon as you tell them. Another type will be hesitant at first, but they eventually come around after time. The third type are the ones who refuse you, and never accept you.

  It sucks that she went through what she did when she was young. I feel bad for the both of you. I really do. But, you can't change the past. Your sister is who she is, just like everybody else, no matter what made her that way.

  Personally, I would never beg anyone to accept or agree with me on anything, no matter who they are.

  Either way, I hope everything works out for you.


Nema❤️

Edit: I forgot one of the most important parts: I would stop contacting her. She knows how you feel. You know how she feels. She's made it more than clear that she is not interested in being part of your life. She may eventually come around. But, until then, pushing for acceptance will do more damage than good.

(This is completely my own opinion. I could be wrong. I was wrong once years ago, so it could theoretically happen again)

[Laura_7]

Edit: I forgot one of the most important parts: I would stop contacting her. She knows how you feel. You know how she feels. She's made it more than clear that she is not interested in being part of your life. She may eventually come around. But, until then, pushing for acceptance will do more damage than good.

(This is completely my own opinion. I could be wrong. I was wrong once years ago, so it could theoretically happen again)

I would agree.
Emphasis is on pushing for acceptance.

If a message is sent where facts are stated and there is a signal that the latest exchange of emotions would be preferred to be an agreeable exchange its something different. It might take the heated emotions out of the memory and soften some for a coming around.
It might, imo.


*hugs*