To the married out there...

[sparrow]

Ugh.  I tried to respond to this and realized that I was writing my life story again.  Then I read that story, and distilled a punchline:

Whenever you start, it'll be too early and too late.  If I had waited until my wife started seeing a gender-aware therapist, I'd have a lot less scarring.  But those scars are healing.  And it was rather impossible for me to wait for that, as we didn't know that we should both be in therapy until long after I'd tried "cross"-dressing.

[Anna33]

After you came out to your spouse, when did you start dressing around the house, and what is the "etiquette" on this?? I really want to start living as a woman at home and as soon as possible and start venturing out from there... But I also don't want to make it awkward for her, ya know?I realize she may not be as accepting... Also feel very self conscious about my voice, which I imagine is pretty normal.

Coming out to her on Friday the 27th, so nervous!!

What works for me is to be honest. When i came out to her, i spoke to her at night and we went shopping for clothes the following day. But she knew i was struggling with it for at least a year. She went away on a trip and i had bought a wig and some clothes while she was gone. I burned them before she returned but the guilt was so big i told her what i did, i told her everything.

I only move forward when she is comfy and take a step back if necessary in order to avoid overwhelming her with the changes.

Like, our intimate moments at first were male and female. Shed ask me to put on man perfume and clear my nail polish etc, i thought it was perfectly acceptable and decided to comply, we adjusted little by little. Now we snuggle and kiss and other stuff in bed in full girly mode and she bought me a beautiful girly pj as a gift for our girly netflix and chills (where we actually netflix and chill on the couch lol)

Id tell her how you feel about things first. Depending on how she takes it id tell her you want to explore by means of dressing up etc.

Re voice: forget about it. Either use whichever voice you feel most comfy with (masculine or fem) OR practise with her in the car if shes in the mood or anywhere. Remember its easier for her if she is part of the changes.


Best of luck x

Clara




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[JoanneB]

Bottom line... Don't present while your wife is still in shock, still digesting, or otherwise still sorting out runaway thoughts and emotions that come as a result of dropping the T-Bomb. A common scenario goes like this:
1) I told my ____ the absolute deepest darkest thing possible and the Earth did not open up to swallow me, no lightning strikes, no meteor hits. 
2) ALRIGHT! I Lived!
3) Full speed ahead since ____ did not bolt for the door

Usually resulting in the SO going into OMG mode. Too much to process too fast.

The timeline can vary from minutes to weeks. It depends so much on the person and how it is all handled, before, during, and after.

My wife always knew I had gender issues. It took many years before she would stay around the house the occasional Sundays I needed my 'escapes'. She understandably didn't want to 'encourage" or be a party to her possible demise.

[Cindy Stephens]

I went through 2 divorces very early in life.  I had several long term gay relationships then met my current wife.  Married 30 years.  She new I had a strong feminine side and cross dressed.  She was fine with it.  Had to be masculine for work, but have gradually migrated to the fem side.  She had not wanted me to be full time at first, then decided she preferred me as female and she has really encouraged me to transition.  I just recently retired and plan to do just that.  Have been on HRT for about 12 years and have had facial hair removed.  You will notice that I have made compromises.  Ones that we could both live with.  The big one for me is to make sure the money keeps coming in.  Some on the site seem to have no problems with work, but your mileage may vary.  Finances are the #1 cause of divorce.  Do you have a realistic income plan in place?

[kelseygal]

So much good information gals, thank you thank you. Seriously you probably saved my behind,  and for that I am very grateful. Slow and steady wins the race, FTW. My standard for success here is she gives it a chance, but preparing for the worst. The main gist of the letter was to explain, then assure her of my intentions to stay with her, work through it together, and to grow closer in the end. I did make sure my letter gives her a really graceful way to duck out if she so desires, so hopefully if that is the case there won't be too many hard feelings...

[AbbyKat]

It is super scary during the period leading up to telling your spouse about something like this.  I knew there was a chance I would lose my family over it which is why I delayed for so long.  The marriage was something I was convinced would "cure" me so it's not like I ever thought it would come to this.  However, like many who have survived childhood gender dysphoria and drowning it with whatever we can, I came to the end.  It was either confront my issues or leave the planet.  I only preface it this way to make you understand just how scared I was of losing my family.

So... I eventually told her (almost a year ago).  She (luckily) majored in psychology in college so she was at least moderately educated in transgender topics and she (also luckily) had always been attracted to women anyway.  The conversation proceeded through a lot of tears and sobs but she said we would work this out together and then see what happens.

Today?  I'm about six months HRT, presenting full time, and we are already making preliminary plans for GRS and legal changes.  She is excited that we get to have another wedding (we plan to get handfasted after I am legally a woman) and every change I go through is something she is genuinely happy about.  She is more attracted to me now than she used to be (and I'm not even passable) and our daughter has adapted like a freakin' rock star.  I love them so much and literally owe them my life at this point.

I tell you all this to show you the contrast.  The level of fear I felt vs. the reality were sooooooo far removed from each other that is all seems so strange to me now.

It all depends on your spouse's education, capacity to adapt, and her personal sexuality.  Be prepared for anything, though.  That includes good things!

[LizK]

Everyone has covered just about anything I would have said here. But quickly for me, the key points are patience, love, understanding, communication and above all else honesty when discussing anything with her...hiding what you consider your worst fear may not be her worst fear. My partner and I have committed to stay together through my transition. I hope you and yours can do the same

Good luck

Sarah T

[Oliviah]

After you came out to your spouse, when did you start dressing around the house, and what is the "etiquette" on this?? I really want to start living as a woman at home and as soon as possible and start venturing out from there... But I also don't want to make it awkward for her, ya know?I realize she may not be as accepting... Also feel very self conscious about my voice, which I imagine is pretty normal.

Coming out to her on Friday the 27th, so nervous!!

I came out 3 years ago.  I present outside the house only.   My wife said just last night as I came home that she hates Olivia.   She doesn't want me/her here.  Olivia is a bitch and liar.

So as I am unemployed and on a constant threat of homelessness I comply.

Not being able to be me in my home and short periods of relief leaves me a depressed emotional wreck.

[kelseygal]

Thanks Abysha, you are lucky your wife is the way she is... My wife is not well educated on psychology matters, doesn't seem to be attracted to women (though I'm not entirely sure on this) , and comes from a conservative christian upbringing. Needless to say whatever happens will be interesting.

Sarah, that is something I have read here often - whatever response we dread, is usually far above and beyond reality.

Olivia, Im so sorry to hear that you are in that position. I really wish the best for you and hope you find some employment relief soon. That is definitely tough position where you feel like you don't have a choice Your transition is beautiful, I've seen some posts on the before/after or another thread and it is a huge encouragement to me. Be strong girl!!! *hugs*

[Anna33]

Kelsey, sometimes they are not atracted to women but they are atracted to you, if that makes sense. Focus all your efforts into making her feel amazing beside you, so that your apearance is secondary and your soul is all that matters.

My wife and I love each other so much, and this is because she's always been my #1 priority in life. And because aparently I cook very well, also. haha.

Big hugs, hope you both stay together <3

[iKate]

This really reaallly varies.

My wife and I are well on our way to splitsville. So I pretty much dress how I want. She winced when I first started wearing dresses and complained but I just really ignored her. There was no tiptoeing around it and I felt that since she absolutely did not want me to transition I might as well just go right ahead.

But if you want to stay with your spouse and she accepts to certain degrees than you have to work that out with her.

I don't see the big deal about clothing. Clothing is clothing is clothing. It's just cloth. But it's what it symbolizes that bothers them, that your soul and spirit is that of a woman.

[bchigdon1001]

My wife knew before we got married. The only advice I can give you is to sit down and talk to her about how you feel.

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[Oliviah]

Thanks Abysha, you are lucky your wife is the way she is... My wife is not well educated on psychology matters, doesn't seem to be attracted to women (though I'm not entirely sure on this) , and comes from a conservative christian upbringing. Needless to say whatever happens will be interesting.

Sarah, that is something I have read here often - whatever response we dread, is usually far above and beyond reality.

Olivia, Im so sorry to hear that you are in that position. I really wish the best for you and hope you find some employment relief soon. That is definitely tough position where you feel like you don't have a choice Your transition is beautiful, I've seen some posts on the before/after or another thread and it is a huge encouragement to me. Be strong girl!!! *hugs*

Thank you.

I am trying to stay positive.   I think I decided to move in with a friend in another state today.  She offered me a safe place.

I just worry being in a similar situation down the road.

I have been crying all day.  My wife is trying to make up again.  I couldn't even talk this morning I am a real crying sobbing wreck.

I think she feels guilty now.

She can't take back what she said I feel totally worthless.

I wish I didn't agree with her in my heart.  Everything they said to me as a kid is true.  People will hate me I don't have a chance.  There is no hope. 

[ToniB]

Dear Oliviah You are not Totally worthless and there is always Hope .The fact that Your wife is now trying to Make up again shows that she has thought about what she said and realised that she was only reacting to her fears of losing You .You may find that now she has seen that attacking Olivia has driven You further apart she may start to learn to accept You more no situation is totally hopeless .Talk to Her ask her her fears explain your needs and see if You can find a compromise that will work for You both .That is what I did with my wife and so far things are working out very well.Good luck and stay positive

Hugs Anita

[genevie]

She is more attracted to me now than she used to be (and I'm not even passable)

Such a nice contrast to my situation of  "I can't stand to even look at you." I dream of acceptance. I am so happy for all of you that have found a way through to acceptance with your wives.

[Emileeeee]

It took a little time for me, but not too long. She's known since July. I've dressed on occasion in front of her, but it wasn't until very recently, like the last week, that I started doing it all the time. The hardest part is that my daughter is getting mad at me for stealing her mother's clothing. I keep trying to tell her it was her mother stealing mine, but she's worn it so much, I can't convince her!

[kelseygal]

As an update, things went well, better than I could have ever expected. The woman I married is the most classy, compassionate, kind and understanding person I have ever come across. Maybe I'll post more details in the future, but for now I am going to take some private time and focus in on our relationship - discovering together what the next steps are. Thank you all again for your stories, suggestions, encouragement, and everything else. I truly believe you made an incredible impact on how well (so far) everything has unfolded. *hugs all around*

K

[Denise]

FANTASTIC!

[Paige]

As an update, things went well, better than I could have ever expected. The woman I married is the most classy, compassionate, kind and understanding person I have ever come across. Maybe I'll post more details in the future, but for now I am going to take some private time and focus in on our relationship - discovering together what the next steps are. Thank you all again for your stories, suggestions, encouragement, and everything else. I truly believe you made an incredible impact on how well (so far) everything has unfolded. *hugs all around*

K

Congrats Kelsey 

[AbbyKat]

As an update, things went well, better than I could have ever expected. The woman I married is the most classy, compassionate, kind and understanding person I have ever come across. Maybe I'll post more details in the future, but for now I am going to take some private time and focus in on our relationship - discovering together what the next steps are. Thank you all again for your stories, suggestions, encouragement, and everything else. I truly believe you made an incredible impact on how well (so far) everything has unfolded. *hugs all around*

K

Woohoo!  I'm so happy about this. 

My wife was the first person in a long line of people who surprised me with a reaction I didn't expect.  You will find that some of the people you know are truly rotten and yet others will react in unexpectedly supportive ways.