A woman trapped inside the body of a man

[Becca]

Hi!

Each evening I have been reading this site and seeing so many stories which are so familiar.  I will tell you a little bit of my life story and can add more later.

I have really always known I am a girl inside. Up to about age 6 or 7 I was really quite open about it and would tell my friends and sometimes even their parents without giving it a second thought.  Some of my earliest memories are of finding ways to play with makeup even knowing I would get in trouble but even when I got caught thinking it was worth the trouble even to have just had a few minutes! I remember colouring my nails using coloured marker pens cause that was what I had.

To my amazement at around 6 years old my family were going somewhere in the car and the radio was on with an interview with someone explaing what it was like for her being "a woman trapped inside the body of a man"...wow I exclaimed "just like me!"...of course the reply was "no, not like you at all". No, it is just like me, and that was almost 35 years ago. Soon after I learnted just not to say anything anymore after making the mistake of telling a teacher that I wanted to be a girl.

Now I am 40 years old, married with two children...but like a lot of people here it is so difficult to spend years pretending to be someone you isn't the real you.  About 5 years ago I was working away from home during the week which gave me an opportunity to live more like I wanted to, I would spend 8 hours at work but outside of this I was free to do as I wanted to.  So I got plenty of practice at doing makeup and started to build a a new wardrobe. Of course this took a bit of explaining to my family which didnt really go down well with my wife but she seems to be at least neutral to it.

3 years ago I made a resolution not to buy another item of "men's" clothing so needless to say I have hardly anything left. I have never said anything to my coworkers but they would have to be blind not to notice..in fact I have to laugh as one of my female colleagues keeps wearing the same clothes to the office. 

I haven't seen a therapist which really I think I will have to. I would like to have HRT but am so afraid of doctors that I just put off doing something and I have no idea how it works here (I live in one of the smallest countries in Europe).

Anyway there's an introduction and thank you reading!

[cindianna_jones]

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[V M]

Hi Becca 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[newlady]

Hi Becca and welcome.I am relatively new here too. its the start of a long but worthwhile journey. i can totally relate to how your life has panned put up up now. i can remember my mother telling me that she used to get cross when me and her were met by people out or in the street. they would always say " what a pretty little girl" meaning me. At the time i thought that was normal. i was always happiest playing with dolls houses etc. i suppose i was doomed from the start. at about 7 like you i began to realise i was different at felt so much better doing girls things. I've dressed as a girl in secret for as long as i can remember. it felt so natural. i got caught by my parents a few times and I'm sure they were worried about it. they probably thought it was a phase and id grow out of it. How wrong they were !
Ive been married and had 2 children too. I'm on my own now and my children are grown up so that makes it easier i guess, although I'm still scared to tell people of my real identity. its something i have to address.
I can't buy mens clothing either. i find them dull, colourless and not me at all, every time i find something i like in the shops its for women. so i would buy them and wear them, trainers, watches coats etc and no one notices, but i feel really good knowing that its female clothing, its just seems natural.
i have my first therapy session soon, apprehensive and excited at the same time. I'm frightened they will try to dissuade me from my path. i hope not because i am determined to go through with this. i can understand your fear of doctors, i am the same, just take your time sister and it will happen when your ready. this is about you and the girl hidden inside that you've always known is there.
Good luck with everything, you are not alone, this site has helped me a lot and i hope it helps you too.
keep in touch if you need any words of comfort or just need a chat.

Bernadette    (((^_)) 

[Ms Grace]

Welcome to the forum, Becca!

I have never said anything to my coworkers but they would have to be blind not to notice..in fact I have to laugh as one of my female colleagues keeps wearing the same clothes to the office. 

This is a common perception to have... "How can they not notice??" They notice but usually, 99% of the time, they just presume we're gay.

[Becca]

Welcome to he forum, Becca!

This is a common perception to have... "How can they not notice??" They notice but usually, 99% of the time, they just presume we're gay.

Well it doesn't really matter what they think, at least I get to be a bit the real me, one say I shall just tell them the whole story anyway. I just smile cause one week I will wear something new, the next week she will have got the same whatever it is! 

[Becca]

Hi Becca and welcome.I am relatively new here too. its the start of a long but worthwhile journey. i can totally relate to how your life has panned put up up now. i can remember my mother telling me that she used to get cross when me and her were met by people out or in the street. they would always say " what a pretty little girl" meaning me. At the time i thought that was normal. i was always happiest playing with dolls houses etc. i suppose i was doomed from the start. at about 7 like you i began to realise i was different at felt so much better doing girls things. I've dressed as a girl in secret for as long as i can remember. it felt so natural. i got caught by my parents a few times and I'm sure they were worried about it. they probably thought it was a phase and id grow out of it. How wrong they were !
Ive been married and had 2 children too. I'm on my own now and my children are grown up so that makes it easier i guess, although I'm still scared to tell people of my real identity. its something i have to address.
I can't buy mens clothing either. i find them dull, colourless and not me at all, every time i find something i like in the shops its for women. so i would buy them and wear them, trainers, watches coats etc and no one notices, but i feel really good knowing that its female clothing, its just seems natural.
i have my first therapy session soon, apprehensive and excited at the same time. I'm frightened they will try to dissuade me from my path. i hope not because i am determined to go through with this. i can understand your fear of doctors, i am the same, just take your time sister and it will happen when your ready. this is about you and the girl hidden inside that you've always known is there.
Good luck with everything, you are not alone, this site has helped me a lot and i hope it helps you too.
keep in touch if you need any words of comfort or just need a chat.

Bernadette    (((^_))

Hi Bernadette!

Thank you so much for the message. It is good to know that I am not alone in how I am and feel. For years I was so self conscious and scared of everything and pretty much everyone...now I live far away from all of that and am slowly getting more confident... I think realising that I am what I am and that is just how it is and others will just have to deal with it.  For sure keep in touch! Have a nice evening.