How difficult was your puberty

[cheryl reeves]

I guess I'm the weird one,for I didn't let my disphoria disphoria weigh me down,I've lived life on my terms. I was a girl who got too play in the boys world because I had a boys part,I knew about transsexuals,I knew about ->-bleeped-<-s,I also knew what girls looked like because of girly mags,my parents were open about teaching us about sex,I was given books too read. I'm me I can be nice and not so nice depends on the person and their agenda,I crossdressed when I was alone,most time I dress butch,I hate suits and haven't worn one since I was 13. I've been diagnosed with depression and anger issues,but I'm one who faces life head on and if life doesn't like it tough.

[Karen5519]

I diidn't start puberty until I was 16, and it was difficult being so underdeveloped, because I was picked on a lot; I wanted to fit in, which led me to start lifting weights when I was 19, and subsequently start taking anabolic steroids for a year when I was 23. I was very confused and in denial for a very long time.

Overcompensation?   I did that too.  I played football in high school and came home after practice and went in my room and shut the door and cried a lot.  I am not big at all and I was getting killed.  But I had to do it.  No choice.  I could not let the guys even think for a moment that I was not like them.  There was always two voices in my head.......the real me.....the girl trying to get out to live and breathe........and the other voice which said "no"......your life will be ruined and be a living Hell.  That was my life in a nutshell.  Those two voices fought viciously until I was in my late thirties.  To say it was emotionally painful would be an understatement.

[Kellam]

It was an unrelenting nightmare from the age of ten on. I hit puberty early, shot up and got strong, my voice was deep by the seventh grade. I did like to play (not watch) sports but I could only play them with my brother or in the mixed gender situation of gym class after about the eighth grade. I collapsed into extreme isolation and painful dysphoria mixed with self harm and depression. I had no friends outside of school. I didn't belong with the boys and the girls only saw a loser, a threat or someone to date, never a friend. I had occasional male friends in individual classes. By sixteen, after failing to kill myself, I started in on the substance abuse, denial and overcompensating with male behavior. I watched endless hours of tv to learn how to be a man as well as following the lead of my father and younger brother. The dressing in appropriate clothes never stopped after the first time I put on evening gloves at an antique shop as a little kid. I would beg my folks to send me to military school to make me a man. They knew I would not survive. I began to steal, lie and commit acts of vandalism. I was never conscious in school because of sleep deprivation. I had always been up late dressing. All of that carried over into my 20's and into my 30's when I finally put down the bottle and started to face my truth.

[stephaniec]

I so remember the lack of proper hormones ripping my psyche to pieces. Getting so angry because I couldn't properly fit in dresses and bras.

[Karen5519]

It was an unrelenting nightmare from the age of ten on. I hit puberty early, shot up and got strong, my voice was deep by the seventh grade. I did like to play (not watch) sports but I could only play them with my brother or in the mixed gender situation of gym class after about the eighth grade. I collapsed into extreme isolation and painful dysphoria mixed with self harm and depression. I had no friends outside of school. I didn't belong with the boys and the girls only saw a loser, a threat or someone to date, never a friend. I had occasional male friends in individual classes. By sixteen, after failing to kill myself, I started in on the substance abuse, denial and overcompensating with male behavior. I watched endless hours of tv to learn how to be a man as well as following the lead of my father and younger brother. The dressing in appropriate clothes never stopped after the first time I put on evening gloves at an antique shop as a little kid. I would beg my folks to send me to military school to make me a man. They knew I would not survive. I began to steal, lie and commit acts of vandalism. I was never conscious in school because of sleep deprivation. I had always been up late dressing. All of that carried over into my 20's and into my 30's when I finally put down the bottle and started to face my truth.

Kellam,

That is type story that I love to hear.......that you made it through it all, recognized what could get you on the right track and you do it!  The future is yours and there is no one to hold you back.  You should be very proud.

[Denise]

Puberty was a long time ago for me (~40 years) but I remember praying (and I'm not even religious) to fix this.  Please let me wake up with the breasts starting. 
The bigger problem was my voice changing.  Pre-puberty I had a really nice female voice.  When I was about 12 I actually carried on a conversation on the phone with my sister's boyfriend and he had no idea it was me.  But I was afraid that once I changed it would be really low (my dad was a radio announcer!).  Well nature works as expected sometimes, but thankfully I'm not a baritone.

[AbbyKat]

Mine was a harsh slap of reality.

Before puberty, I had just put everything out of my mind, thinking things would resolve themselves and maybe it wouldn't be that bad.  As soon as puberty hit, it felt like I was on a train that I couldn't get off of and it was going to some strange far away place that I knew I wouldn't be able to survive in.  It was a period of pure panic followed by pure anger, followed by pure fear, and finally pure fleeing.  I came close to death a few times before my 18th birthday.

I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

[katrinaw]

Dysphoria was with me from about 4 or 5 till mid teens, it was painful, constantly self conscious, self pity, miserable and lonely.
But from mid teens I started to think I can't carry on like this and tried to become more positive and just accept "my lot", it worked and remained, on the whole, pretty much under control till around 20 years ago... It got really bad in phases but I survived till finally I had to stop hiding and living a lie, just over 5 weeks ago!

Katy xxx

[Orchid]

Puberty bothered me in fleeting moments. I can remember at times that it hurt, but I always tried to distract myself with something in my life. I always kept myself busy so my mind wouldn't wander.

Sigh. Now I'm I'm at least going through the kind of puberty that I like!

[Kellam]

Now I'm I'm at least going through the kind of puberty that I like!

Yeah! This second puberty, while difficult, is great! And as I heard one vlogger say, there must be something to gain by going through two puberties. If one learns to be a grownup in the first one must become an über grownup after two.

[Kellam]

Kellam,

That is type story that I love to hear.......that you made it through it all, recognized what could get you on the right track and you do it!  The future is yours and there is no one to hold you back.  You should be very proud.

I meant to thank you for this, kinda made my night.

[Tessa James]

My first puberty was nightmarish and extremely dynamic.  Although I did not know what was happening to me those stupid boners we're clearly pointing in the wrong direction.   I was 13 and my new word of the day became "cynical" as my secretly expected transition into girlhood was reversed.  Oh no!  I ran away at 16, became homeless, incarcerated and ended up in Vietnam by the time I was 18.  Even then I still didn't need to shave and was that sissy girl the hard asses wanted to dump on.  I got tough enough but coping skills to what end beyond sheer survival?

And this time puberty is turning out much better, if too long delayed.....

[stephaniec]

yes, the second time much more pleasant .

[Lady_Oracle]

It was hell, multiple suicide attempts, trying to cope, living in fear, clinical depression began at around 12-13, had severe panic attacks, suffered from migraines, alcoholism, nightmares were at their worst, heavy disassociation, was bullied a lot..that about sums it up

Had I not began my transition at 19-20, I would probably be dead right now.

[Anna33]

Partly successful on the outside but dying inside. I never lived a happy life until now.


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[Sebby Michelango]

For me "puberty" was a disease. I never got the real puberty, I got a wrong one, something that shouldn't happen. When I was 12 years, I learned about the puberty at school. A doctor visited my old class and she told us about what would happening. I knew females got boobs and the period. But I never believed I would get it. That sounded unrealistic, something random from a Harry Potter book. When I was 13, I got the wrong puberty. It was horrible and in 2013 I discovered for real something wasn't right. I realized I wasn't cis.

For every week, days, thing got worse and worse. I can't recognize myself. The females curves, boobs, everything, what? I got jealous at the other guys. They got voice change, hair at their legs, Adam's apple, facial hair etc. I got opposite puberty. Thing get worse and next year it would be even worse. Earlier I tried to train my voice deeper, but my throat got soar. So I quit it. I'm pre-everything inside the closet.  It's not fun at all having a body that doesn't reflect my mind. Not enough with all the wrong female forms, I'm hairless and short as well. I doesn't look masculine either.

[RachelsMantra]

Reading y'alls stories makes me feel weird and alienated from the trans community. I guess I have what might be called adult-onset transsexualism. I had a happy childhood. I remember looking forward to male puberty and enjoying it like most little boys getting their first hairs on their chest. Sure, I was secretly crossdressing during it all but I didn't have any awareness that transsexualism was a thing - I just thought I was a weird twisted horny little kid but never had cross-gender identification until adulthood. I feel weird sharing my story with people because people might think I just took my crossdressing "too far" given that I was never a very feminine child and didn't "want to be a woman" until very recently.

[Ltl89]

Reading y'alls stories makes me feel weird and alienated from the trans community. I guess I have what might be called adult-onset transsexualism. I had a happy childhood. I remember looking forward to male puberty and enjoying it like most little boys getting their first hairs on their chest. Sure, I was secretly crossdressing during it all but I didn't have any awareness that transsexualism was a thing - I just thought I was a weird twisted horny little kid but never had cross-gender identification until adulthood. I feel weird sharing my story with people because people might think I just took my crossdressing "too far" given that I was never a very feminine child and didn't "want to be a woman" until very recently.

Don't feel that way.  You are who you are and there is no shame in it.  There is a lot of trans politics and some people try to create a trans hierarchy based on their experience or age of transition.  It's silly and hurtful to people.  While I had dysphoria early and recognized that I wanted to be female, I kbew nothing about being trans and transitioning until I was 18 and met another transwoman.  And my childhood was more complicated than the typical trans narrative even if there were signs.  Everyone finds themselves differently and everyones transition is unique.

[Kellam]

Don't feel that way.  You are who you are and there is no shame in it.  There is a lot of trans politics and some people try to create a trans hierarchy based on their experience or age of transition.  It's silly and hurtful to people.  While I had dysphoria early and recognized that I wanted to be female, I kbew nothing about being trans and transitioning until I was 18 and met another transwoman.  And my childhood was more complicated than the typical trans narrative even if there were signs.  Everyone finds themselves differently and everyones transition is unique.

Yes! So true and so well said. We are all siblings and each of us is on our own path but we will always walk together.

[kaitylynn]

Good Morning Rachel, just read what you wrote and it was interesting to hear your experience!  Over time of meeting sisters, it seems there are a couple of different paths that seem common...one is that we know from as early as memory goes back and the other would be those of us that discover our true selves at a later point in life.  In the and, we are still discussing US as either way, we are in the same boat.

Even within our small community there is a huge amount of diversity.  Regardless of when you find 'the calling', you are finding it and what else really matters?  We do what we do so that we can finally become whole and not so others can validate or objectify our efforts.  <3