Quote from: learningtolive on November 15, 2015, 09:36:45 PM
I agree with your post about Ms. Grace. She has been a very helpful member of the staff since I've been on here. And yes, I do remember you. The avatar charactef and the character in your writing is familiar.
See, I agree with you about wanting to blend in. Standing out isn't something I seek either. I guess having always been the weird different person, I just want to fit in and be normal. However, as a transgender person that's not really going to happen. We are different. If we can't accept living as men and that's too depressing and uncomfortable for us, then we are going to be living as women that do stand out, unless you're lucky and can easily pass or blend. I just hate being seen as the weird different person. And I'm ashamed for it cause I want to be normal, but thst kind of goes out the window when you have a sex change. It's very conflicting for me cause I don't know what to do and how to process this all. Sometimes I wish I could run back in the closet and no one would ever know, but the reality is this isn't something I can run and hide from forever. The only thing I take solace in is that for the most part I have been shown kindness and acceptance from most people, with the exception of myself. I just fear what will happen once I actually do begin the social transition. Let's be hobest, a man walking out of the house in women's clothing and makeup is quite different. What will everyone say? And what if you really dont blend well. How can you avoid feeling embarrassed and ashamed? But if you are hiding everyday and living a miserable life for it, isnt dealing with the shame worth it? It's very conflicting and im always focusing on both "what will the neighbors think" and my hopes and dreams for a hsppy life. Right now, I'm very depressed and scared. I just hope ill get past this snd can do that without looking like a laughing stock. But right now its hard to not feel ashamed of myself.
Anyway, I'm guessing the reason most of us feel differently on this subject is that we are all in different places in our transition. Hopefully its one of those things that eventually fades.
I guess that I do understand, I am afraid all the time. Each step I take has been a nerve-wracking experience. I don't know how to do this. It's one thing to dream your whole life and another to step into that dream. Most of the time it is Wonderland or Neverland,( Is it first or second star to the right and straight on till morning? Come on Michelle, don't screw this up!) But there are times when it is Silent Hill. I have to work my way past that horror every time I take another step. Mostly the only thing that gets me moving is how terrified I am at the thought of living the second half of my life the way I did the first. 46
I am ready to ban birthdays forever! Every second of the day I hear an invisible, enormous clock ticking. I have to ask myself over and over,"If not now, when?" So there I was breasts growing, not able to hide them much longer, probably feeling close to how you are now. I was still wearing male clothes when not at home, afraid of people seeing a man with breasts, yet terrified of people seeing a man pretending to be a girl.
I had friend who was a fencer and I went to one of his matches. (Don't recommend that, it is not a spectator sport.) It was incredibly fast and I had no idea what was going on. I asked him after how anyone can move or react that fast? He laughed at me and said when you've done those moves as many times as I have and seen those moves as many times as I have, it just slows down. Cut to years later and my difficulties. I realized that I couldn't be what I wanted if I never lived what I wanted to be. It would never get easier, never slow down. At that point I had been on HRT for around 5 months. That night I bought enough andro yet female clothes that I would never have to wear male clothes again. Got home, packed up all of my male clothes and took them to the salvation army. It wasn't enough. Not for me, it wasn't definitive enough. So I started to work on the one thing that we can all, if not get perfect, at least improve at, my voice. That was really a turning point for me. The next day all my fears came true. People laughed and made fun, they asked all kinds of questions that I wasn't prepared to answer. After a couple weeks of that, I would not stop working on my voice, they did not stop making fun, I didn't die either. Every step was scary, still is.
I am out now, all the way, and no one makes fun of me that I can tell. Yesterday when I went out to buy clothes (getting cold for shorts) all feminine, not one thing that would be called andro. Wore a skirt and carried a purse this morning for the first time. It was no different than yesterday or last week. If someone noticed anything, they never let it show.
I don't know how to help anyone get past that. If you have trans friends, maybe one will go with you the first couple of times. I certainly would.
Actually that would be wonderful for me.
I have transgender friends, but all on line or on the phone. I have never met another transsexual person in the flesh.
Oh, one thing that might help. I would say that it helped me but at the time it felt more like a slap to the face. One of the male friends at work that still talks to me all of the time, even though he has no idea how to deal with me being trans, woke me up. I was whining about how people treat me differently. Okay, let me see if I can remember it all.
Seems kind of conceded don't you think. If people are talking about you it's not many. I know that every conversation as you walk past is not about you, why would you think that it would be? No one really cares, I like you and I don't even care enough to talk about what you are doing with your life to other people. Maybe we try to figure out how to act around you, but we don't talk about it and we haven't formed a committee to discuss the transgender person who works with us. As he walked away... It's not all about you Mike. You're good, people still like you, but it's not all about you.
I was so mad, but he was right. Mostly people are caught up in their own life. Some people are jerks, but we can ignore them for the most part.
Wow, I talk too much.
As always, message me if you need someone to talk to.
Michelle
