*

Family and medical personnel obviously know my change.  Well, former 'friends' knew but they all abandoned me so I ignore them in any category. 

I was fired from my federal employment expressly because my supervisor charged me as being a female working as a male.  'We can't have that here,' she told me.  That become effective 1985.

I moved a thousand miles from where I had been residing and started a whole new life fresh as my fully-transitioned self.  I lived quietly for 30+ years.

And then it happened again.  This employer was a state agency.  A manager summoned me to her office, charged that I was a male working as a female, and asserted that transsexuals are 'mentally unfit' for state employment.  I won my case but my employing agency refused to take me back and that's where the process ended in 2010.

So what's my point?

   -  I lost all my family - immediate and extended.

   -  I lost all my pre-transition 'friends'.

   -  I can't tell people whom I've come to find as friends since becoming full-time forever female because their attitudes lead me to suspect many are anti-transsexual.

   -  I got fired two separate times specifically because I am transsexual (neither got the direction correctly).

   -  I lost out on career jobs because I am transsexual.

   -  I was almost universally directed to apply for the clerical pool despite a college education and years of specialised work experiences - because their explanation is that is where their company's women start.

   -  I get 100 points slashed from my IQ score and treated as if I am stupid and do not know the first thing about anything because I am a woman.

So, 'How do I feel about being transsexual'?

I consider it a medical condition no different than any other of my various medical conditions.  I do not conduct a checklist to each person on the street.  Nor do I demand others to expose their intimate medical circumstances to me or the world.

To be further honest, I felt totally out of place at a recent LGB and T festival.

Nevertheless, I decided to create a web-site and refer people there if they really want to know me beyond what I personally share with them.  I'm 'out' passively; they can read what they choose because I have no 'elevator speech' for my life.

I am the woman I am.  I can't imagine being anyone else - whether cis or transsexual.  The grass really is greener on my side of the lawn.   I take nothing for granted; I live each female experience to the best of my ability.

Transition was the only decision I had to make because it is who I am and I will gladly suffer the same experiences because it would be far worse to have lived a lie to myself.

*

Quote from: learningtolive on November 15, 2015, 09:36:45 PM
I agree with your post about Ms. Grace.  She has been a very helpful member of the staff since I've been on here.  And yes, I do remember you.  The avatar charactef and the character in your writing is familiar.

See, I agree with you about wanting to blend in.  Standing out isn't something I seek either.  I guess having always been the weird different person, I just want to fit in and be normal.  However, as a transgender person that's not really going to happen.  We are different.  If we can't accept living as men and that's too depressing and uncomfortable for us, then we are going to be living as women that do stand out, unless you're lucky and can easily pass or blend.  I just hate being seen as the weird different person.  And I'm ashamed for it cause I want to be normal, but thst kind of goes out the window when you have a sex change.  It's very conflicting for me cause I don't know what to do and how to process this all.  Sometimes I wish I could run back in the closet and no one would ever know, but the reality is this isn't something I can run and hide from forever.  The only thing I take solace in is that for the most part I have been shown kindness and acceptance from most people, with the exception of myself.  I just fear what will happen once I actually do begin the social transition.  Let's be hobest, a man walking out of the house in women's clothing and makeup is quite different.  What will everyone say?  And what if you really dont blend well.  How can you avoid feeling embarrassed and ashamed? But if you are hiding everyday and living a miserable life for it, isnt dealing with the shame worth it?  It's very conflicting and im always focusing on both "what will the neighbors think" and my hopes and dreams for a hsppy life.  Right now, I'm very depressed and scared.   I just hope ill get past this snd can do that without looking like a laughing stock.  But right now its hard to not feel ashamed of myself.

Anyway, I'm guessing the reason most of us feel differently on this subject is that we are all in different places in our transition.  Hopefully its one of those things that eventually fades.

I guess that I do understand, I am afraid all the time. Each step I take has been a nerve-wracking experience. I don't know how to do this. It's one thing to dream your whole life and another to step into that dream. Most of the time it is Wonderland or Neverland,( Is it first or second  star to the right and straight on till morning? Come on Michelle, don't screw this up!) But there are times when it is Silent Hill. I have to work my way past that horror every time I take another step. Mostly the only thing that gets me moving is how terrified I am at the thought of living the second half of my life the way I did the first. 46 I am ready to ban birthdays forever! Every second of the day I hear an invisible, enormous clock ticking. I have to ask myself over and over,"If not now, when?" So there I was breasts growing, not able to hide them much longer, probably feeling close to how you are now. I was still wearing male clothes when not at home, afraid of people seeing a man with breasts, yet terrified of people seeing a man pretending to be a girl.

I had friend who was a fencer and I went to one of his matches. (Don't recommend that, it is not a spectator sport.) It was incredibly fast and  I had no idea what was going on. I asked him after how anyone can move or react that fast? He laughed at me and said when you've done those moves as many times as I have and seen those moves as many times as I have, it just slows down. Cut to years later and my difficulties. I realized that I couldn't be what I wanted if I never lived what I wanted to be. It would never get easier, never slow down. At that point I had been on HRT for around 5 months. That night I bought enough andro yet female clothes that I would never have to wear male clothes again. Got home, packed up all of my male clothes and took them to the salvation army. It wasn't enough. Not for me, it wasn't definitive enough. So I started to work on the one thing that we can all, if not get perfect, at least improve at, my voice. That was really a turning point for me. The next day all my fears came true. People laughed and made fun, they asked all kinds of questions that I wasn't prepared to answer. After a couple weeks of that, I would not stop working on my voice, they did not stop making fun, I didn't die either. Every step was scary, still is. I am out now, all the way, and no one makes fun of me that I can tell. Yesterday  when I went out to buy clothes (getting cold for shorts) all feminine, not one thing that would be called andro. Wore a skirt and carried a purse this morning for the first time. It was no different than yesterday or last week. If someone noticed anything, they never let it show.

I don't know how to help anyone get past that. If you have trans friends, maybe one will go with you the first couple of times. I certainly would.

Actually that would be wonderful for me. I have transgender friends, but all on line or on the phone. I have never met another transsexual person in the flesh.  

Oh, one thing that might help. I would say that it helped me but at the time it felt more like a slap to the face. One of the male friends at work that still talks to me all of the time, even though he has no idea how to deal with me being trans, woke me up. I was whining about how people treat me differently. Okay, let me see if I can remember it all.

Seems kind of conceded don't you think. If people are talking about you it's not many. I know that every conversation as you walk past is not about you, why would you think that it would be? No one really cares, I like you and I don't even care enough to talk about what you are doing with your life to other people. Maybe we try to figure out how to act around you, but we don't talk about it and we haven't formed a committee to discuss the transgender person who works with us. As he walked away... It's not all about you Mike. You're good, people still like you, but it's not all about you.

I was so mad, but he was right. Mostly people are caught up in their own life. Some people are jerks, but we can ignore them for the most part.  

Wow, I talk too much.
As always, message me if you need someone to talk to.

Michelle

Quote from: Mikaela on November 16, 2015, 01:27:18 AM
I guess that I do understand, I am afraid all the time. Each step I take has been a nerve-wracking experience. I don't know how to do this. It's one thing to dream your whole life and another to step into that dream. Most of the time it is Wonderland or Neverland,( Is it first or second  star to the right and straight on till morning? Come on Michelle, don't screw this up!) But there are times when it is Silent Hill. I have to work my way past that horror every time I take another step. Mostly the only thing that gets me moving is how terrified I am at the thought of living the second half of my life the way I did the first. 46 I am ready to ban birthdays forever! Every second of the day I hear an invisible, enormous clock ticking. I have to ask myself over and over,"If not now, when?" So there I was breasts growing, not able to hide them much longer, probably feeling close to how you are now. I was still wearing male clothes when not at home, afraid of people seeing a man with breasts, yet terrified of people seeing a man pretending to be a girl.

I had friend who was a fencer and I went to one of his matches. (Don't recommend that, it is not a spectator sport.) It was incredibly fast and  I had no idea what was going on. I asked him after how anyone can move or react that fast? He laughed at me and said when you've done those moves as many times as I have and seen those moves as many times as I have, it just slows down. Cut to years later and my difficulties. I realized that I couldn't be what I wanted if I never lived what I wanted to be. It would never get easier, never slow down. At that point I had been on HRT for around 5 months. That night I bought enough andro yet female clothes that I would never have to wear male clothes again. Got home, packed up all of my male clothes and took them to the salvation army. It wasn't enough. Not for me, it wasn't definitive enough. So I started to work on the one thing that we can all, if not get perfect, at least improve at, my voice. That was really a turning point for me. The next day all my fears came true. People laughed and made fun, they asked all kinds of questions that I wasn't prepared to answer. After a couple weeks of that, I would not stop working on my voice, they did not stop making fun, I didn't die either. Every step was scary, still is. I am out now, all the way, and no one makes fun of me that I can tell. Yesterday  when I went out to buy clothes (getting cold for shorts) all feminine, not one thing that would be called andro. Wore a skirt and carried a purse this morning for the first time. It was no different than yesterday or last week. If someone noticed anything, they never let it show.

I don't know how to help anyone get past that. If you have trans friends, maybe one will go with you the first couple of times. I certainly would.

Actually that would be wonderful for me. I have transgender friends, but all on line or on the phone. I have never met another transsexual person in the flesh.  

Oh, one thing that might help. I would say that it helped me but at the time it felt more like a slap to the face. One of the male friends at work that still talks to me all of the time, even though he has no idea how to deal with me being trans, woke me up. I was whining about how people treat me differently. Okay, let me see if I can remember it all.

Seems kind of conceded don't you think. If people are talking about you it's not many. I know that every conversation as you walk past is not about you, why would you think that it would be? No one really cares, I like you and I don't even care enough to talk about what you are doing with your life to other people. Maybe we try to figure out how to act around you, but we don't talk about it and we haven't formed a committee to discuss the transgender person who works with us. As he walked away... It's not all about you Mike. You're good, people still like you, but it's not all about you.

I was so mad, but he was right. Mostly people are caught up in their own life. Some people are jerks, but we can ignore them for the most part.  

Wow, I talk too much.
As always, message me if you need someone to talk to.

Michelle

.
It gets better. in the beginning everything is a battle and your self conscious. fast forward 5 years or so and you have changed in ways you didnt think were possible and your just another lady 
personally me i dont mind who I am. I like it and the experiences i have had. Its shown me who is really family and friends and who I can depend on. a few people made great sacrifices for me out of love. it was a bumpy start for them at first though.

I always knew how I felt and who I was yet coming to terms with the word transgender wasn't an easy thing for me to do. It is a loaded word that often has a connotation that comes with it in public. It wasn't tell the beginning of my transition that I truly had come terms with it and owned it. I have been more comfortable with myself and who I am as a result. It's not an easy thing to do and I have never been found of being defined by labels because of how people may perceive me by them. Hugs
Mariah

To be completely honest? I wish I wasn't trans. It is a burden with many challenges and I would have rather just been cis and have other things to focus on.

But it is here to stay so I don't really have a choice but to learn to accept it. This is going pretty well for the most part. A month ago I hated the very idea of it and hated myself as well, though recently I'm slowly starting to accept it. I go out in girl mode all the time despite not being on treatment yet because it feels right.

I do wish there wasn't a constant uncertainty of myself though, some days I feel good and other days I'm too scared to do anything.

The uncertainty should go away overtime as you become more comfortable and at ease with things along with more therapy. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: SofiN on November 16, 2015, 04:07:40 AM
To be completely honest? I wish I wasn't trans. It is a burden with many challenges and I would have rather just been cis and have other things to focus on.

But it is here to stay so I don't really have a choice but to learn to accept it. This is going pretty well for the most part. A month ago I hated the very idea of it and hated myself as well, though recently I'm slowly starting to accept it. I go out in girl mode all the time despite not being on treatment yet because it feels right.

I do wish there wasn't a constant uncertainty of myself though, some days I feel good and other days I'm too scared to do anything.

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along...

Seeing this thread made this song pop into my head[emoji39]
I spent such a long time being afraid to be me, that I just don't have the energy to care as much anymore. Yeah it sucks when I hear people say uncouth things, but people would say things like it whether or not it's about me. People suck sometimes. I've just accepted that I can't make everyone happy, but I should instead start by being happy and then I might be able to share it with others.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Years ago, I thought something was wrong with me and terrified someone would find out.  Now I enjoy the options available to me.

Wow! What a difference a year makes.

I posted twice then as Mikaela. Seems that I go about a year, realize that I have become complacent and start pushing again. So here I am.

I got to the point this month with my name change, finally, that it is time to finish what I started. My problem has been that, at some time, I stopped thinking of myself as being in transition. And I am not done! I have been moving but not with any urgency. It just sort of happened. I live my life, I am a girl, everyone treats me like any other girl. I stopped thinking about it. I think about shoes or clothes or what to do with my hair today. I actually spend more time thinking about and helping others going through transition than about my own.

I don't think about being trans at all unless a guy hits on me or I am stuck in the middle of a group of people talking about transgender people in the bathroom.

I hope that you have found your answers Learning to Live. AND that you are incredibly happy.

Labels aren't that important to me, but they are a tool for social change. So i'm o.k. with identifying as trans if it helps others to understand that the world is full of diversity.
Way better than the shame and guilt I used to suffer trying to keep things hidden.

How do I feel?  I'm trans, and I'm here.  Get used to it, world.

I'm proud of my hard-won femininity.  I had to work harder at gaining it than most women have, but I have it now.

I accept myself.  I'm proud that I finally found the strength to overcome my fears and move forward.

I'm sad that some others couldn't accept me, and that has been a rough spot in my life.  I am sorry that my coming out hurt those who would have been more comfortable with me if I had remained hidden, but sacrificing my existance for the comfort of others wasn't really fair to me.  In the end, I have to be true to myself.

I'm a transwoman, and I'm damn proud of it.

I'd say I'm a bit conflicted.  On one hand, seeing what this is doing to my marriage, the pain it's causing my wife and my parents, I sometimes wish I could just be CIS male. However, I also realize that I probably wouldn't be the same person I am if that were the case so I'm not sure I'd really trade who I am for that life.

On the flip side, since coming to accept that I am transsexual, there is a certain amount of pride in it. Knowing that I'm going to be who I've always felt I am, that I can be honest with the world, that I can express myself authentically is pretty uplifting. Basically I've got a strong sense of here I am world, you have to just deal with me because I won't hide anymore. I'm sure I'll get knocked off that pedestal from time to time as I experience bad reactions, but in the end I'm proud to be who I am and to be in full contact with that woman.  I can't wait for the packaging to match the product inside.