I need help in making this decision.

[reunion.shall.come]

Hello there, my name is Alex and I am a transmale. I have just started 9th grade, which means I have 4 fours left before I graduate high school. I recently enrolled in school as transgender, meaning that I can use the male restrooms if I'd like, be on the male sports team, and change in the male locker rooms. The staff has been supporting me with this transition, and the students believe me to be born as male. When making the decision of presenting as a boy at school, I thought that people calling me by the right pronouns and name were going to be worth the pain of wearing my binder during Physical Education class. I was wrong. Wearing my binder in P.E. is such a hassle, and it is very uncomfortable. Every single morning I wake up and I feel like not living anymore, just because of the stress and self-consciousness I have going into P.E. or wearing a jacket at school everyday in the heat.  Now, thinking back, I do not know why I made this decision. I guess I thought it would alleviate the pain from being misgendered through all of highschool. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not a boy anymore, but I would do anything to go back and register as female. Physically, it would be so much better. Sure, I'll still have dysphoria, but what can I do? Mentally, I don't know what my feelings will be like presenting as female at school. It used to sound terrible to me, but now, I just don't care anymore. I feel male inside, and the ones I love see me as male, so why do the opinions of people around me matter? That's what I think now, but how weird will it be to suddenly walk into class with breasts that are obviously there? How will I explain that to my peers? I think about telling everyone that it was all just a big joke and that I'm actually a girl, but I would be lying to myself. I'm a straight A student and I used to love school, but now I just hate it because of this problem. So my question is, should I keep enduring the pain I have presenting as male now? Or, should I just begin presenting as female? I am terrified at how people will react and look at me when they find out that I am actually not born male, but born female. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear enough, please ask questions if you need to! Thank you so much!! <3

[stephaniec]

is there a school counselor you can talk to

[Ms Grace]

I'm presuming that, other than the binding issue, you prefer to present as male and be accepted as male? Will reverting to a female presentation be a case of out of the frying pan and into the fire? I wonder if the dysphoria of being gendered female and treated as a girl has faded in your memory to make it seem like it could be less of an issue. Ultimately we can't make the decision for you and it is a massive one. Definitely talking it through first is a good start. I'm guessing your parents are supportive - perhaps that's a good place to start.

Maybe one of the other guys here can come up with some binding solutions for you to try first?

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. You might want to talk to some of the guys on the site and ask them about a more comfortable way of binding. From what I understand some binders are more comfortable that others. In addition, if you are small enough a sports bra may be able to shape you.

Much of what treatment is about is finding that place in life where you are comfortable. Sadly you weren't on blockers before your development took place but hopefully you are on them now as they will help with some of the discomfort you may feel.

The decision about handling school will have to be one that you make. Only you can say what the best solution in life will be before you qualify for surgery.

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[reunion.shall.come]

Yes, Stephanie, I have a wellness counselor I am seeing, and together we are thinking of all the pros and cons of both sides. 

Yes, Ms Grace, other than the binding issue, I prefer to be seen and accepted as male. Yeah, at my middle school I was irritated all the time and being referred to as female made it even worse. I guess I'm just hoping that if I go back to presenting as female, my dysphoric feelings will disappear and I will actually begin believe that I am female, and it was just a "phase" as many people have told me. Yes, my parents are very supportive! We are thinking of all the possibilities and what would be best for me.  I will look around to find some binding solutions! I am very worried about binding for four years, and what that can do to me. I do not plan to go on testosterone because of the health risks, but I wish these feelings would go away.

Dena, thank you for the great advice! I will take a lot of time in making this decision. 

[stephaniec]

Well. It's good to have someone like a counselor to bounce the pros and cons off of. I'm an MTF so I can't really help with the binding thing.

[Ms Grace]

I guess I'm just hoping that if I go back to presenting as female, my dysphoric feelings will disappear and I will actually begin believe that I am female, and it was just a "phase" as many people have told me.

Certainly you can always try, unfortunately, if the many thousands of comments I've read on this forum from trans guys and gals are anything to go by, the dysphoria rarely abates when one is presenting as one's assigned gender.

[Nattiedoll]

Hmmm, you seem to have a sticky situation and aren't sure what to do or where to go with this. This is completely normal for someone at your age and just started transition somewhat. Only you know how you feel inside no one else can tell you. However, maybe you need to think if this transition is really what you want right now and plan for the future. You don't want to go on hormones ever? Once again it's normal to think these things when your first starting but first you need to think about if you want to grow old as a man or woman. If it is man, then I have to say to stick this out if it's really ment to be. Especially sense you are already out there's no point in taking two steps back. It's always important to sit back and think how much you want this and that will give you the motivation you need to stick it out. Just like us trans girls it's not the most comfortable thing tucking but it's just something that comes along with being trans. For your case ftm this is something that most trans guys deal with I wouldn't go back as a girl if you don't feel like one because then what, your gonna go all these years just because of binding? I only say this because I avoided going to school as a girl even tho I felt like one and I wished I had that someone to push me to stick it out.

[katrinaw]

Firstly welcome to Susan's Alex .... xxxx

Grace is right, As a kid I had awful almost permanent Dysphoria, but back then it was hide it all, or live a life in hell.

For many years I just learned to push it to the back of my mind, got married and had kids etc, then around 20 years ago it all started to eat at me again, until I could not hide it anymore, just recently I had to come out to my wife and family, not pleasant.

So it will keep gnawing at you, so the earlier you control it, the better your life will be. I wish I could have, if I knew then what I know now...... I would not have upset so many people, with more to still come...

Good luck and best wishes for whatever path you choose.

L Katy 

[Mr.Warrick]

Hi,

I believe that presenting yourself as a female would NOT be any better. You can never learn to hear the word "ma'am" or "young miss" no matter how much time passes. Going to the female bathroom is a disaster. There are a lot of other hassles

Well:

1. Do sport bras or lighter binders work for you? You might want to ask this question in "FTM gear" section

2. Even if sport bras don't make your chest 100% flat, there are a lot of cis men with bigger or female boobs you know. So as long as your face & voice can pass. People wouldn't look at your chest. Trust me cuz I pass 100% of the time with my face & my non-op / non-binding boobs until my voice gives it away lol

3. Try losing weight & going to the gym. Try to work out the chest exercises. It will lift up and make yours firm which looks more masculine. Try to work out the shoulder also. Bigger shoulder will cover for your chest.

4. Wearing sport bras and coming out as to everyone as pre-op / transgender male. Your friends & teachers will understand & respect your decisions. There will be a few laughs background but there will always be people who don't like you no matter what right? There will always be people who hate your look, your personality, choices ... It's not your job to please everyone, just keep yourself surrounded by a group of respectful & supportive people. Make yourself happy, not them.

To sum up, try other ways to work around the binder issues You can change that, not your identity

[AnonyMs]

Why not stop doing P.E? I think you have a sound medical reason why you could be excused, and it would help with some of your difficulty.

[2fish]

I'm a trans guy and recently had top surgery. I was binding for 15 months before I was able to have surgery. I know that binding is very painful. I was hoping you can share what binder you are using. They key to binding is to have the right one for you and your build.
Underworks sells chest binders. I used the tri top white binder. I was able to breathe better in this one than the full tank top binder. You have to measure yourself correctly with a tape measure before ordering. Feel free to message me. 

Sent from my SD4930UR using Tapatalk

[Hecknado]

I'm a 16 year old ftm, and I started a new highschool this year ( third to last year ) . Binding & jackets suck, you're right in that place. At the start of the year, I could wear a shirt, but now ive developed more, so I have to wear my school jacket all the time.

For P.E., it might be good to quit, as I've tried keeping up running, but now I have an exercycle and weights in my room so I can exercise shirtless.

I'd recommend staying as passing as male, even if you come out, it will make things much easier, there will still be awkward questions, but less "are you sure" questions etc etc. I'd also recommend seeing if you can go on blockers. I'm going on blockers soon, and that will halt puberty while not changing you, so if you do decide to go on testosterone in the future, the transition will be waaaay easier and you'll have a better physical result. Blockers will also stop your chest areas from growing.

With binding, I use an underworks tri-top which works well. I don't have any pain problems with it, but I only wear it at school or when I go out. Try wear it as little as possible, to give you ribs a break. If you want to lose weight it that area, try running or cycling. I used to run 50km a week when I was year10/9th grade, before I moved and started transitioning, and I was picked on for being an apparent MTF, they were that small. Exercise also makes that awful week a lot lighter and shorter, while keeping you feeling good, and if you do weights, help with shoulders and arms.

Good luck, I hope you make the best decision for yourself.

[captains]

I've been brought to tears from binding pain and the related frustration, so I hear you, man. I've found that the GC2B binder is most doable for me. Which one are you using now?

[Laura_7]

- is there a way you can drop out PE ? Talking to a counselor, giving you a pass ?

- there are thousands of healthy FTM people taking testosterone. You might get informed on the risks. It might also be posssible to start on a low dose. This might be advisable for the larynx to expand more naturally, possibly giving a better result with voice (for example for singing. Some people say half the dose for three months then.)

[Nattiedoll]

I wanted to add that I especially suggested to stay male is because you are able to pass. Passing is a big deal and if you do that's great, people remembering you as you is much more fulfilling trust me.

Also, about the gym class I suggest you go talk to someone at the school like a counselor. They will definitely takes your words into consideration. I know a trans girl in high school and she got a note for gym class and now she doesn't have to participate due to things transgenders have to wear get in the way. She didn't have to do the swimming because of the tucking it can get out of place especially in water if you know what I mean :0 Binding and tucking are very uncomfortable and can get in the way with your gym class efforts so you can probably get some kind of note from a doctor.

[Kylo]

You could change schools and make a fresh start there as whatever you want to present as.

My sister asked our mother to change school because she felt the kids were against her there and felt uncomfortable, nothing to do with trans issues, she simply felt out of place or mildly bullied. I was surprised because I endured 5 years at a horrible school I hated without saying a word because it never occurred to me to say I couldn't hack it anymore and that I wanted to go to a different one.

[schwarzwalderkirschtort]

more or less the same situation here.

For myself, i'm more or less in the same situation - i'm in guy mode 100% of the time outside of school, but in school i have to wear the girl's uniform and my name clearly indicates i'm female.

For pe, i skip wearing a binder and wear a sports bra with an undershirt, tshirt and my school shirt layered on top. it probably helps that i'm small chested anyways and have massive shoulders, but it'll probably work for you too. you could try a sports compression vest or get a sports binder.

   I'd also suggest spending less time in your binder if it's causing you pain. At first doing that was hell for me, but you get used to it. when you're home, don't wear it really that often and definitely don't work out in it.

  Also, how tall are you? are you skinny, muscular, overweight? it'll all help in passing. if you're particularly skinny, for sure try to build up your arms, chest, shoulders and abs. it'll help big time. The difference it's made for me before just basic lifting weights and after is pretty massive with fairly minimal effort.