We are like roommates

[idahogirl]

In our wedding ceremony my husband and I each vowed to pursue our individual interests, while at the same time supporting our partner in their pursuits.  Little did either of us know what that would entail.

I'm a straight, cis female.  My husband came out as transgender MTF about two years back.  At the time we had been together for 8 years.  I wasn't happy about the news, but I knew transitioning was not something I could prevent.  When my spouse came out as MTF we had a lot of good discussions, and I thought, "Well, no matter what, this person is my best friend."  I had never pushed the boundaries of my sexual orientation but I was willing to try.  I knew it would require a lot of encouragement from my spouse, but I thought that maybe we would be able to keep our physical relationship intact.

Around the same time we decided to try and have a child.  We had been discussing it for a year or two.  I got pregnant, had a little boy, and suddenly our lives changed again.  While I adapted to the difficulties of parenthood and found that I enjoyed the caretaker role, my spouse became depressed.  He -- now she -- was realizing all her transgender goals:  she was undergoing hormone therapy, hair removal, buying new clothes and making friends in the LGBT community.  But she resented the loss of freedom that came with parenthood.  It was no longer enjoyable to be in her company, and as much as I tried to support her through both the transition and the post-partum depression, it was tough.  During our baby's first year I was home, while my spouse worked a series of dead-end jobs.  To add to the situation my dog was diagnosed with cancer.  My partner was not supportive of me as I struggled to deal with that.  She didn't like dogs much, though she had previously been good to my dog.  I guess, for her, the sick dog was an extension of the baby responsibilities -- One more thing that needed caring for.  I felt sad and angry.  I was doing all of the caretaking, and my best friend didn't seem to exist anymore.

Eventually I insisted on going to couples' counseling.  It helped, and continues to help.  I still don't know where our marriage is headed, but I have felt more hope for us in the last month than I have in over a year.  There are still times when I feel like I don't know my spouse anymore.  It is partly her obsession with the transition, and with her new transgender friends who are also obsessed with their transitions.  But in our case it is also about family -- she still struggles with parenthood, even though she has improved her attitude about childcare a lot. And it is about personal interests -- I realize that we have drifted apart over the years.  We used to cook and run and hike together.  Now she plays on her computer (that's not actually new, but she focuses on it more) and instant-messages friends while I cook.  I run sometimes (not with her), and we still hike sometimes, though she often comes along grudgingly and is rarely good company.

The other thing we struggle with is our sex life.  It has been essentially non-existent since our child was born. Now that our baby is a year and a half, I have regained my own sex drive.  It is a modest sex drive, but it is still there.  My spouse says that the hormone therapy has made her asexual.  She finds it a relief.  She sometimes will sit with me and be affectionate, but she does not naturally show a lot of affection, and it feels kind of demeaning to always be asking for more attention.  I miss the connection of sex.  She has told me on a couple of occasions that she is still attracted to me, but those words seem empty to me because of other things she has said.  Once she told me that she doesn't find breasts a turn-on anymore, now that she sees mine used for breastfeeding.  Another time she told me that she finds male/female sex distasteful because it leads to babies.  I guess that last one shouldn't bother me since we are sort of a lesbian couple now, but it does.  I don't hate my own body, but I feel rejected by her, and it hurts.  All thoughts of her helping me adjust to a new kind of physical intimacy seem laughable now.  Next year she is planning to get SRS, and while I am glad she is glad, for me the whole thing seems sad and frightening, particularly because of the cold bedroom atmosphere that already exists.

I am not doing a great job of describing my spouse's better points or highlighting reasons why I want to stay in the relationship.  But we have had many good years together, and now we have a child.  She wants to stay together.  I do love her, though I feel like we are not best friends anymore.  We are like roommates who are partly friends / partly partners in taking care of mundane household duties.  Apart from bedroom advice (Do other MTFs lose sexual desire when they start hormone therapy?  How can I try to encourage some physical affection without feeling pathetic about it?), I would really love any other insights you might have.  Sometimes I think I focus on the negative things too much, and I know that has an effect on the quality of our interactions. 

[Cindy]

Dear Idahogirl lovely to meet you and Welcome to Susan's,

Goddess you are a strong woman who has been through the mill. I really do feel for you. I'm married to another woman coming up to 34 years, and yes it can work out. But it takes two to make a partnership. And a transwoman partner has to put in the effort to make the relationship survive - most do!
Yes going on HRT often reduces sex drive and may make the person impotent, but that is no reason not to have a loving and fulfilling relationship. Even if she cannot achieve an erection, or maintain one there are ways - we all know - that partners can take care of each others needs.

It is important that she realises her part in the relationship. Transgender people can suffer a sort of selfishness as they tackle their change - but that is no excuse.

I do think it is time you both say down and calmly discussed the boundaries that are important to both of you.

Keeping the conversation going is essential and it is not one-sided. Your little boy needs parents. Be they male, female or both is not important. But he needs the relationship to be stable and nurturing.

I know there will be lots of advice and help for you here.

And it is lovely to have you as a member.

To help you navigate the site I'll give you some links that will help you around the place.

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Cindy

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am not the best one to give bedroom advice because I am still a virgin but I will give it a try. Yes, HRT really takes the edge off the sex drive. It was something I wanted because in my case it was tied up with my transsexual feeling. I also was Asexual or more specific  Demisexual. There are other variations of Asexuality but being Asexual doesn't mean a person isn't interested in sex. It just means you need to learn a new way to get them interested. Her response to sex is much like yours. You used to need foreplay to get started and now she will need it as well. Therapy and possibly a specialist in sexuality may be needed for you to work out your differences.

Something special about my case. After my surgery I met a person who would become my roommate. For 30 years her presence satisfied my emotional need for company and with that filled, I didn't have a need for sex. She passed away a bit over two years ago and now I am over the grieving period, for the first time in my life I have a mild desire for sex. Note that this is not a sexual attraction. I now know not to let somebody else into that part of my life until I am sure they will make a good friend and sexual partner or I may find myself in the same state I was in with a roommate.

[Tuyrar]

Hey Idahogirl! You seem to have been through a lot of changes and challenges recently; you seem to be a really strong and positive person, and are working really hard to have a happy marriage. Your SO probably only really wants the same as you and everyone else a happy  and loving relationship, it's just that sometimes we all go about it in different ways, and sometimes we just get too caught up in those differences.

I am also a cis wife, but much further behind in relation to my so's transition, so I don' really have very many answers from the bedroom department. From what I have read their sex drive and desires do change a lot when they start hormones so I guess some of it could be down to that, or maybe if they is looking to get srs their sex drive could have more to do with their genital Dysphoria?

I used to think that marriage was the end of the story, you found the one you loved, it is the best feeling in the world, you are just perfect together, you just want that person to be with you through everything and forever, so you marry them! But I realise new that it is just the beginning of a new and deeper journey that requires a different kind of work for a different type of reward.

I really hope you can find a way to get to a happier place; it is not an easy thing to go through, any of it, we cis partners have a unique set of challenges in our lives that not many people can begin to understand, but the fact that you are even where you are now shows just howstrong and brave you are. 

Tuyrar xx

[Kylo]

Platonic relationships or room-mate/BFF style arrangements does seem a common thing in relationships with one person transitioning in them, just my observations on various trans forums about the things trans people go through. And those are some of luckier ones, many trans people are simply kicked to the curb by their partners when they come out, it seems.

My guess is that sex is always fraught with difficulty for trans people - myself included - we want normal sex lives but often its difficult to even have it when you're in the wrong body, even if you love the other person greatly. And having surgery doesn't guarantee you'll feel any better about it, and the female hormones are well known to cause a libido crash.

[findaway]

hi Idaho, I read through your post and your story sounds a lot like a lot of what I went through. Things change. but the upside is that life changes all the time.

When genders align it changes the relationship for sure, what I can recommend is lots of communication, keep your relationship family centered, talk a lot, make sure your partner listens to you...really listens to you and that you are real with them AND you need to really listen to them too and are also genuine. AND like any relationship, there is some meeting in the middle. Your partner needs to be willing to meet in the middle. Allow them to be the gender they want(they have to be this), allow yourself to be the gender you want. To share, there was a Saturday night live skit where it shows these women, that are wearing "mom jeans" and the fake commercial punch line was "you are not a woman anymore you are a mom" ... funny but my point being that you ARE a woman, and your new partner IS a woman too and you are both moms too, things change but you are REAL living breathing and feeling women, celebrate that, find things in common and make it work. And if you can't find a common ground, friendship, and understanding, seek help, and if that fails then breaking up hurts..but sometimes that breakup is the best thing you can do. My story has a breakup in it AND we got back together and are closer now.

anyway.. I wish you the best.

[nocgirl]

Hello, I am a CIS female who dated a guy who suddenly told me he was transgender. I was floored and could not get myself to stay in the relationship. Many relationships do not survive this. HRT makes incredible changes to her body and her penis and testes has likely shrunk. Many trans women need Cialis or mood enhancers to work. If you really feel more like roommates and your sexual needs are not being met maybe you 2 should consider counselling? It takes a lot of work to make a relationship like this stay intact. Does she want to undergo SRS? If so what then? IMO changing a sex during a marriage or a relationship would be a deal breaker but its not for everyone. I think you need to weight the pros and cons of staying vs leaving. you 2 can always be friends and co parents regardless where the relationship goes. Good luck

[Obfuskatie]

In the Bedroom:
PIV sex may be off the table depending on your partners intermittent ability to perform due to HRT. However, you might want to consider other ways to have sex that don't pigeonhole your partner into a male role. Since you feel like you're stuck initiating anyway, why not embrace it and go all out and use a feeldoe on her? She still has a prostate gland that can provide her ample amounts of pleasure and she can experience penetration with a partner while you get off as well. Tools and props are available to you at your local female owned female friendly adult toy shoppe. If anal isn't something either of you are interested in, maybe you need to wait until she recovers from her bottom surgery. Maybe you need to open your relationship to fulfilling your sex needs safely with another person.

Intimacy:
I don't see sex as a panacea for her lack of intimacy with you. Were it not for her transition, I'd say she is acting like many lesbian partners and husbands do when their wife has a child. It might be complicated further because of jealousy or envy as well. It's possible she was focused on deriving pleasure vicariously through you during sex, and in that case she wouldn't need to do that after transitioning because she'll be able to derive her pleasure from herself. Honestly there are so many possibilities, you need to engage her and ask her to open up to you, it's fair since you've supported her though her journey now she gets to return the favor and show up in your marriage.
The excess in video games make it would like she's disassociating because although transition is easing some of her problems, it doesn't make her life easier. It just makes every day another struggle you take on, hoping to find a point somewhere down the road when you will resonate properly with your body. That she's trying to find community is good, but she needs to involve you more. Try to find time you can get a sitter, and go with her to her stuff. Intrude on her life a bit and maybe it's all because she's compartmentalizing her life.

For more information and sex advice I highly recommend you listen to Dan Savage's lovecast podcast. Read up on pegging and other things you can do to spice things up. Look into the kink community for help as well. Good luck and I hope your partner isn't a jerk, just an inadvertent flake. If you need any more help or want to vent or whatever, you're welcome to message me or start another thread.

     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[idahogirl]

Thanks, all. I appreciate the feedback, and more than that, I appreciate your willingness to just listen. 

I don't have any more questions at the moment, but I thought I would drop back in and provide an update. It's a bit bleak, sadly: My spouse and I are talking about separating. Nothing is certain yet, but even though I still sometimes see the caring, interactive friend and partner I used to know, most of the time I see a person who isn't particularly happy in my company.

When we became parents/she started to transition/my dog got sick and became a high-needs animal, my spouse and I responded very differently. She is very good with our son and wants to be involved in his life, but she doesn't like parenthood. My dog died and my spouse doesn't want any more pets, but I grew up with them and I want our son to grow up with them. Then there are the sex and intimacy problems, which I've talked about already. The intimacy issue especially is exacerbated by all my spouse's computer time, and by the fact that she is constantly messaging friends and going to hang out with them elsewhere. I don't expect her to be tied to me, but I'm lonely in this marriage.

We have always talked about life decisions and made our plans together, but for the last year and a half I have been standing alone in the life we chose. I've been reading articles online lately about how the way to deal with marital difficulties is to decide never to break up, and it is an intriguing theory... But I don't know if it is actually good advice in our situation. Surely by now she would have started to come around, if she was ever going to.

I find myself drawn repeatedly back to another bit of advice I have read. It says: "If you and your partner have passionately felt but profoundly divergent preferences about how to live, and if the lifestyle you prefer is impossible with your partner, and if it's clear that you'll be happier living that lifestyle without your partner than living with your partner without that lifestyle, then you'll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay." In other words, "You live a life, you don't live a relationship." (That's Mira Kirshenbaum, if any of you are interested in the author.)

My spouse and I used to have very well-aligned dreams, and we had a lot of adventures together, which makes it hard to just give up on the relationship. But we aren't happy. We haven't been happy. And even though counseling has been helpful, I am not seeing very many signs that we will be happy in the long run. I've just been afraid to act on that insight.

[JoanneB]

One of the pre-conditions for marriage of my wife is that if the other wants out, then out it is with no hard feelings, no regrets, and most importantly before it becomes a life filled with anger and bitterness. I guess growing up in such a household had a big effect on her  . One way this can happen is people are unique. Hopefully being alive means also to grow. And people can either grow together, or grow apart.

I don't see a lot of growing together going on. I hope you never experience any of the anger or bitterness that can come from that

[SamKelley]

I'm a trans woman and going through something similar with my wife right now. So this might be a bit raw.

When I got married 13 years ago to my beautiful bride, we were very different but shared the same aspirations and goals, and we worked on them together. I used to think marriage was a partnership where each person helped the other achieve their goals. We brought out the best in each other.

Then somewhere along the way, or probably more gradually over the years, our goals have diverged, and - with no regrets - I began to dutifully become the male provider figure, and a father... overcompensating for my own incongruity. This year I admitted to myself for the first time I'm transgender, and after trying to understand how to support my wife, told her. And she and I have in earnest tried to make it work. We love each other.

But somewhere along the way, and through no fault of my wife, I gave up myself. In fully accepting the stereotypical male role, I also fully suppressed my gender incongruity. I became split... And I continued to split. I functioned this way for several years, sometimes getting frustrated with this or that; until this year I could no longer function. I lost the ability to sleep, and (ironically) to get up. I've realised now that what I was really frustrated with (and if I'm truthful, resentful about), was not acknowledging my own needs for so long. The only thing that's been allowing me to heal, is to try to follow my instinct, trying to understand - who is this person I've worked so hard to hide? I thought I knew myself so well, now to find myself groping in the dark, edging my way forward, trying to understand who I am again... Like previously I had a torch which only shone on part of me. Now, for whatever reason at 39, I feel like someone turned the light on.

This has left our relationship with a serious problem. My wife has been pursuing what she wants for the past years, apparently with a husband who wanted the same... And me, who's built a framework around myself, out of love for my wife wanting to provide for her in every way I've known how - by mimicking what I understood to be the ideal husband.

My dichotomy is I gave up what I want long ago, and now I'm trying to find my way back - but I don't know the way, and it's upheaved my life. It's not fair - it's selfish. I stopped for the sanity of my wife, and started self-harming and spiralling out of control. The horrible irony is when I allow myself to be me, I'm more patient, happy, confident, and a better person in every way. But for some reason, it's not working with my wife. There's this underlying frustration. It's not what I want for us at all, but I don't have the answer - I just have the question. It's a cr*p situation, and it makes me terribly sad to think about what I have put - am putting - my beloved partner through.

When we started together, we both nurtured each others' growth, and it was easy because we wanted to grow in the same direction. Now... We are no longer nurturing each others' growth, we're hurting it, fundamentally because we don't want the same thing. The problem isn't new, it started years ago when I split myself. At that point we started unintentionally building a fallacy, which made us both codependent to some degree.

Do you still want the same things? .......... Really really? If so then you really need to rediscover this right now so you can help each other. If you're rowing in the same direction but don't realise it, you'll lose something really special.

13 years later, I still think marriage is a partnership where each person helps the other grow and achieve their dreams. But as we grow older, what happens if paths diverge? Is it possible to predict our futures? If the highest love was to help another grow, then wouldn't permanent marriage sometimes be impractical?

I'm okay btw - I just wanted to open up with what I'm feeling right now as I go through a separation from the other side. Maybe there are some echoes that might help.

Hugs xox
Sami