Pre-op trans girl with a crossdresser BF

[Selina8402]

Dear all,

I'm a trans girl who's been on HRT for a year and a half. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now.
He told me I was the first trans girlfriend he's ever had, and he's only attracted bio woman until he met me, which made him realize what private parts I have doesn't matter, because he loves who I am. Even though he loves vagina, he loves me more than anything.

Everything was amazing in the first year, until the day I found out his secret...

He's a very private person, and I trusted him a lot, so I'd never checked or gone through his computer or cellphone, even though he never turned off his computer or locked his phone with password. One day after he left for work, his computer kept ringing and it was annoying, so I went on it to close those Facebook pages, but it wasn't his "original facebook account," it was another one with a girl's name. I clicked on the message button, and saw that a girl texting him saying " we should have another girls' date," I asked myself... did he cheat on me without me even knowing it...?  I looked through the pictures he posted(I know I shouldn't have... But I felt like I was having a heart attack and couldn't breath until I get a clue.), not gonna lie... He looked beautiful in those pictures. Apparently I wasn't the first or the only one trans girl he's had... I confronted him the next day, because I couldn't live with the thought that he's with someone else when he's with me, or having another LIFE that I don't even know about when he told me I'm the love of his life. He was mad, and said he didn't want to talk about this now or ever. I asked him if he was happy crossdressing, if he's happy now that he hasn't done it for a while, if he'd like me to use female pronoun... He told me he's happy now that he's with me, and doesn't want to be a girl. Said that it was just a phase where he was trying to figure out what he wanted... But deep down I know it isn't just a phase... and he's attracted to other cd or trans girls... I asked him if he'd still love me after I have SRS, he said of course he will... But I just couldn't trust him completely anymore...

I remember I asked him if he'd be mad if I was post-op and never told him that I'm actually trans, he said of course, it could've changed the whole relationship... But isn't this the same thing...? I wasn't mad at all, just really sad and upset...
After he said it's all in the past, he'd still look up other trans/cd girls' pictures and save them on his phone and computer.... I don't mind any of those at all, I just want him to be honest to me, the person he said he wants to have a life with...

I was insecure to begin with, and now I just get crazier when I find out something...

Has anyone encountered the similar situation before...?

[Ritana]

Sorry to hear your disappointment.
Well, something tells me he probably knew you were trans prior to you disclosing to him.

Trans lovers are very skilled at clocking. They check your hands. Voice, rib cage, Body bone structure, shoulders, etc.

I would say he probably didnt wanna hurt you. It's unlikely.a crossdresser would want to be with a ts without him knowing she is sctually one. However, he probably thought you would be less interested in him if you gind out he is transgender himself. Please be kind to him as it is a difficult situation

Ratana

Mod Edit- anything that runs down or bashes another group is against TOS 10.

[Selina8402]

Sorry to hear your disappointment.
Well, something tells me he probably knew you were trans prior to you disclosing to him.

Trans lovers are very skilled at clocking. They check your hands. Voice, rib cage, Body bone structure, shoulders, etc.

I would say he probably didnt wanna hurt you. It's unlikely.a crossdresser would want to be with a ts without him knowing she is sctually one. However, he probably thought you would be less interested in him if you gind out he is transgender himself. Please be kind to him as it is a difficult situation

Ritana

Dear Ritana,

I actually told him that I'm trans before we went out on our very first date. I know for sure that he's only had bio women as " official girlfriends ," other than that... I don't really know how many trans/cd girls he's had sex with.
We used to talk about anything, now I just keep avoiding some sensitive topics that might hurt his feelings or make him feel weird... I never suspected even a little bit... because even when we were talking about getting a puppy, he said he wanted a girl puppy because he wanted to be the only man in the family. I love him a lot, and it hasn't changed even a little bit... But when I'm not with him, I start to feel scared that he'd leave me after I have SRS... We've been through a lot, his violent actions, tempers... and even after he really hurt me to the point I didn't want to stay with him, I still came back after his countless " I can't live without you" " you're my family "... I just want to be able to trust him again...

[AnonyMs]

Sorry to say the entire thing sounds really bad to me, especially this

We've been through a lot, his violent actions, tempers... and even after he really hurt me to the point I didn't want to stay with him, I still came back after his countless " I can't live without you" " you're my family "... I just want to be able to trust him again...

Some people are really manipulative and to combine that with this other attributes, its just plain bad. It also sounds you're insecure and looking for reasons to stay, well past the point where you should.

I don't have any personal experience of this, but hopefully someone else can join in and say something from a more knowledgeable viewpoint.

[Selina8402]

Sorry to say the entire thing sounds really bad to me, especially this

Some people are really manipulative and to combine that with this other attributes, its just plain bad. It also sounds you're insecure and looking for reasons to stay, well past the point where you should.

I don't have any personal experience of this, but hopefully someone else can join in and say something from a more knowledgeable viewpoint.

Dear AnonyMs,

Thank you for your response

I know... It gets really bad sometimes. I can't seem to leave... he has some issues, but I still believe he's a good person... I feel so bad just thinking that.. who's gonna take care of him if I did leave... And he always says that we (me and our puppy) are his family.

[AnonyMs]

I try to judge people by what they do rather than what they say and it works pretty well. There's a famous expression to that effect, and I find its very true.

You can find all sorts of things if you search on this, but here's one

http://tinybuddha.com/quotes/tiny-wisdom-actions-speak-louder-than-words/

I'm not so young anymore (pity) and I've found people don't change. I've seen it so many times, they always return to their default behavior, whatever it is. I think if you stay with this guy you're going to be saying the same things a year from now.

I can't offer any personal experience as this is not the kind of thing I'd put up with. I believe I'm very difficult to manipulate. My flaws lie elsewhere.

[Obfuskatie]

Episode 567 of This American Life has a chapter about someone in an abusive relationship. "What's going on in there?" Is an episode that examines the situations that people usually only see the effects or hear of obliquely. It closely enters into why she stayed and why she kept going back to him.
I listened to it and it brought me to tears, ugly wrenching tears because of my own experiences. If you ever want to talk to someone about the parts of the relationship you hide from the world, you're welcome to send me a message.

On your BF: it's possible he's very defensive because of his own internalized transphobia. It could be that he specifically chose to stay with you after your disclosure because he has his own trans issues he can deal with vicariously through you. It could be that he is manipulating you into staying in a sub-par relationship because he figures trans-girls have less self esteem and he can get away with it. He could be lashing out because he doesn't know how to express his transness in a way that makes him happy without risking his status and privileges. The only way to know is to ask him and for him to tell you. But I don't know any way you can do that without it feeling like an interrogation.
Maybe you can integrate his cross dressing into your sex life. Maybe you can have him fill out the yes/no/maybe checklist from Khaoskomix. Maybe you can get a couples counselor and find out what he wants out of your relationship.
But your transition has nothing to do with him. If he leaves you when you get SRS or shortly after, then he does that and you find someone better. Try not to focus on the possibilities and instead work on what you know and try to find out what you can. Good Luck


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Selina8402]

I try to judge people by what they do rather than what they say and it works pretty well. There's a famous expression to that effect, and I find its very true.

You can find all sorts of things if you search on this, but here's one

http://tinybuddha.com/quotes/tiny-wisdom-actions-speak-louder-than-words/

I'm not so young anymore (pity) and I've found people don't change. I've seen it so many times, they always return to their default behavior, whatever it is. I think if you stay with this guy you're going to be saying the same things a year from now.

I can't offer any personal experience as this is not the kind of thing I'd put up with. I believe I'm very difficult to manipulate. My flaws lie elsewhere.

Thank you for this information, I'll definitely read the article linked in your response when I have a bit more time

[Selina8402]

Episode 567 of This American Life has a chapter about someone in an abusive relationship. "What's going on in there?" Is an episode that examines the situations that people usually only see the effects or hear of obliquely. It closely enters into why she stayed and why she kept going back to him.
I listened to it and it brought me to tears, ugly wrenching tears because of my own experiences. If you ever want to talk to someone about the parts of the relationship you hide from the world, you're welcome to send me a message.

On your BF: it's possible he's very defensive because of his own internalized transphobia. It could be that he specifically chose to stay with you after your disclosure because he has his own trans issues he can deal with vicariously through you. It could be that he is manipulating you into staying in a sub-par relationship because he figures trans-girls have less self esteem and he can get away with it. He could be lashing out because he doesn't know how to express his transness in a way that makes him happy without risking his status and privileges. The only way to know is to ask him and for him to tell you. But I don't know any way you can do that without it feeling like an interrogation.
Maybe you can integrate his cross dressing into your sex life. Maybe you can have him fill out the yes/no/maybe checklist from Khaoskomix. Maybe you can get a couples counselor and find out what he wants out of your relationship.
But your transition has nothing to do with him. If he leaves you when you get SRS or shortly after, then he does that and you find someone better. Try not to focus on the possibilities and instead work on what you know and try to find out what you can. Good Luck


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Dear Katie,

Thank you so much for this informative response. I'd love to send you a message... But I have no clue how to... Could you kindly PM me?

I know he actually "likes" trans/cd girls after so many pictures he's saved and messages regarding how much he admires their beauty he's sent... However, I do think a part of his violent behavior was caused by me or the fact that he can't express his other side... He used to put on my underwear(before I found out he's a part time crossdresser) just to make me smile, because whenever he told me I spend too much money on underwear or too much time on doing my makeup, I'd always say you'd look cute in my underwear. But he was always so against it.
I have no idea how to talk it out with him... I did try to make him put on my underwear, again, as a foreplay, but he wasn't going for it. really I just want to be able to trust this person again...

And yes, I have a low self esteem, and am not a confident person by any means...

Thank you,
Selene

[Obfuskatie]

Dear Katie,

Thank you so much for this informative response. I'd love to send you a message... But I have no clue how to... Could you kindly PM me?

I know he actually "likes" trans/cd girls after so many pictures he's saved and messages regarding how much he admires their beauty he's sent... However, I do think a part of his violent behavior was caused by me or the fact that he can't express his other side... He used to put on my underwear(before I found out he's a part time crossdresser) just to make me smile, because whenever he told me I spend too much money on underwear or too much time on doing my makeup, I'd always say you'd look cute in my underwear. But he was always so against it.
I have no idea how to talk it out with him... I did try to make him put on my underwear, again, as a foreplay, but he wasn't going for it. really I just want to be able to trust this person again...

And yes, I have a low self esteem, and am not a confident person by any means...

Thank you,
Selene

A) he's responsible for everything he says and does, he isn't a marionette reacting to your influence. That said, blaming anyone for his behavior is a waste of time if you want it to improve. My policy is generally, no one is to blame and everyone is to blame unless they break one of your non-negotiable boundaries. E.G. I will break up with someone if they try to coerce me to have sex with them, get violent, or verbally abuse me. I've been in that relationship and it doesn't matter how much I love them I can't deal with that kind of treatment again.

B) don't make him do anything, just ask. Try not to goad or demand, it needs to be a combine effort to get him out of his shell. The more you pry the more he'll clam up most likely. Do make him fill out that list I mentioned. It goes through body/sex/identity boundaries, quirks, and kinks. Do it together and talk about each part so you'll both know how to please each other in more than one way and without using trial and error or making assumptions. Because you're trans, there are a lot of extra conversations we need to have with our partners that Cis Hetero people don't bother with. But think of it as an opportunity to better fulfill each other emotionally and sexually, rather than a burden that sucks away your self esteem.

C) You need to either decide to trust him, or don't. There's no test you can give him that will take that choice from you. You have to decide one way or the other. Give him as many chances as you want, there's nothing wrong with caring about someone enough to overlook their flaws. And don't blame yourself for your lenience or decisions to stay. Just make sure they're your decisions.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AnonyMs]

Seline, you can't send PM's until you reach 15 posts. You can only receive them before that. There's a little speech bubble icon on the left of each post, somewhere under the posters name (at least on mine there is).

Are you saying he's sending messages to girls while he's with you? I think that's crossing a line way to far. As for violent behavior I don't think there's ever an excuse for that. Its absolutely unacceptable. Again I've no real experience, but in my mind if he does it once its going to happen again. There will just be some other excuse next time, and the time after that...

I know he actually "likes" trans/cd girls after so many pictures he's saved and messages regarding how much he admires their beauty he's sent... However, I do think a part of his violent behavior was caused by me or the fact that he can't express his other side...

Perhaps you can discuss this with a therapist? Its not just about him, but they way you deal with it. Even if you break up with him you don't want to end up repeating bad relationships.

[Selina8402]

Seline, you can't send PM's until you reach 15 posts. You can only receive them before that. There's a little speech bubble icon on the left of each post, somewhere under the posters name (at least on mine there is).

Are you saying he's sending messages to girls while he's with you? I think that's crossing a line way to far. As for violent behavior I don't think there's ever an excuse for that. Its absolutely unacceptable. Again I've no real experience, but in my mind if he does it once its going to happen again. There will just be some other excuse next time, and the time after that...

Perhaps you can discuss this with a therapist? Its not just about him, but they way you deal with it. Even if you break up with him you don't want to end up repeating bad relationships.

Yes I caught him inviting a few girls over to our apartment to " have fun " several times...
I've been to a therapist a few times, but it didn't seem to help. Instead of focusing on what's happened, I chose to ignore the problem and thought " as long as I don't see anything or don't try to look for what's wrong, it'll all be fine." But, of course, it didn't help either...   Thank you for the advice. I sure will go see another therapist soon.

Thank you,
Selene

[Selina8402]

A) he's responsible for everything he says and does, he isn't a marionette reacting to your influence. That said, blaming anyone for his behavior is a waste of time if you want it to improve. My policy is generally, no one is to blame and everyone is to blame unless they break one of your non-negotiable boundaries. E.G. I will break up with someone if they try to coerce me to have sex with them, get violent, or verbally abuse me. I've been in that relationship and it doesn't matter how much I love them I can't deal with that kind of treatment again.

B) don't make him do anything, just ask. Try not to goad or demand, it needs to be a combine effort to get him out of his shell. The more you pry the more he'll clam up most likely. Do make him fill out that list I mentioned. It goes through body/sex/identity boundaries, quirks, and kinks. Do it together and talk about each part so you'll both know how to please each other in more than one way and without using trial and error or making assumptions. Because you're trans, there are a lot of extra conversations we need to have with our partners that Cis Hetero people don't bother with. But think of it as an opportunity to better fulfill each other emotionally and sexually, rather than a burden that sucks away your self esteem.

C) You need to either decide to trust him, or don't. There's no test you can give him that will take that choice from you. You have to decide one way or the other. Give him as many chances as you want, there's nothing wrong with caring about someone enough to overlook their flaws. And don't blame yourself for your lenience or decisions to stay. Just make sure they're your decisions.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I will remember that, and definitely will discuss those with him. Thank you so much for this. It really helps me think clearly.

Selene

[melissa247]

if he cannotbe honest with you,then that is a part of the relationship where it will break down.if this is one of the things you found out,what else is unknown to you about his half truths?and if he is not willing to open up and only acts violently,it is because he cannot handle it and is using intimidation to get you to back off the subject he cannot handle...I suspect you need to go to counseling for yourself on how to deal..i don't think it is a total loss,but unless he is going to be open and trusting then you may find he is not the one..you are worthy of having a completely safe and loving relationship with someone who values you more than their own insecurities,and if they cannot get past those insecurities with you and grow then maybe this is not the relationship you are best in..especially violent tempers.that right there is a red flagI hope it all works out and you both can work through this..but it takes two..you both have to work on it..not just you.best of luck,and again i hope you are both okay in the long run.

Melissa

[Selina8402]

if he cannotbe honest with you,then that is a part of the relationship where it will break down.if this is one of the things you found out,what else is unknown to you about his half truths?and if he is not willing to open up and only acts violently,it is because he cannot handle it and is using intimidation to get you to back off the subject he cannot handle...I suspect you need to go to counseling for yourself on how to deal..i don't think it is a total loss,but unless he is going to be open and trusting then you may find he is not the one..you are worthy of having a completely safe and loving relationship with someone who values you more than their own insecurities,and if they cannot get past those insecurities with you and grow then maybe this is not the relationship you are best in..especially violent tempers.that right there is a red flagI hope it all works out and you both can work through this..but it takes two..you both have to work on it..not just you.best of luck,and again i hope you are both okay in the long run.

Melissa

Dear Melissa,
Thank you for the advice. I let him know that this relationship won't work unless both of us put effort in, but he just kept saying his crossdrssing's all in the past. And I never mentioned it again, even though I know it is not by any means in the past... It's not possible. And I've told him I love him for who he is, not who he was trying to be.  It's been almost a year since I found out about this and it's still in my mind every single day.

Selene