Every day I try to find a better answer than killing myself and every day I fail

[orangejuice]

My friend said to me tonight- ''I think you can feel hard done by that you're only 5.11, you're built like you should be 6.5, you've got huge feet, huge hands, a huge head and you're a very widely built man, you should be taller''

These are all the reasons I've logically thought out and determined that HRT wouldn't make me happy because it wouldn't solve anything. I would still look in the mirror and wish I was a girl as much as I do now. But hearing someone else say it just really made  me realise it's true. The other part I would add is that at 26 I've lost massive amounts of hair. I think the whole reason I'm on this site is that for a few weeks last year I imagined that HRT could literally perform magic and take me to another universe where I would be a girl. That made me so happy. That was a mistake. The things about my body that are so ridiculously male just happen to be all the things that HRT can't change. I'm an outwardly macho looking guy who has wished he was a girl since he was 3 and the only option is to kill myself. I spent the night drinking beer and talking to friends about how useless their girlfriends are and now I'm at home and I feel like crying because I will never be a girlfriend to anyone. I can't go on like this. I wake up every day and try to find a better answer than killing myself and every day I fail. I'm on a waiting list to see a gender therapist again, but more and more I just see them as a last resort, a thing I need to say I've tried before I can kill myself knowing I've tried everything. I don't see how I can go on feeling like this.-

[Kellam]

Do not listen to those who don't understand your pain and are not sensitive to your needs. There are women of every build! I bet things are better than you realize. Also, alcohol is a depressant. Hrt is more for the mind than anything else. Please hold on until you can get help for this. If you need to call a help line. You can't let someone transfer their pain and loss onto you.

We need you here.

[orangejuice]

Thanks for the reply Kellam. I really do hope it's for the mind. That's my only chance. I was on an anti-androgen briefly. My mind felt great but then my body felt like it was going to die. I don't know if it was some freak reaction to it. It makes me scared to ever try it again. But then maybe I'm going to die anyway if I don't give it another shot. Sometimes I feel really bad for saying I want to die. Like an attention seeker. Maybe I don't REALLY know what it's like to want to die otherwise I'd be dead right now. All I know is I have yet to find a better solution. I can go for a couple of days here and there or maybe even a full week now and then where I convince myself I'm going to be happy, but I never shake the feeling that I'm fighting a losing battle, and the only logical, inevitable outcome, is that one day I'll kill myself . If I'm honest the only way I can see HRT working is it if it paradoxically stops me from wanting to be a girl. Because I'm never going to look like one, so I'm never going to feel like one, so I'm never going to be treated like one by life.

[Kellam]

It always really hurt me that I will never be cis. Even when I began transition and accepted that I was trans and started hrt I though I would be the man in the dress forever. That I would never be a woman. Then I realized it was more important to transition to a happier me, a fuller version of myself. I am mtf but that f is not a standard f. It is me. The mental relief was enormous though. I jumped into full time before starting hrt. I was bald, muscular 5' 10" etc. but all that is fading. My shoulders no longer strain in my shirts. Heck the relaxed muscles no longer ache. I am shorter too and have dropped a shoe size. The hrt helps you see your body through another lens too. Give yourself a chance to be you before ever thinking of giving up. I have almost ended my life countless times. I thought there was no hope. Then I began transition in earnest. Went in with no preconceived notions. My life now gets better every day. Even all the hard social stuff is worth it. Softer skin does more than you think. That hair will fade from your body. Trust me, be patient and give yourself some space and just breathe. I know it seems inconceivable but it can get better.

[Girl Beyond Doubt]

Before I decided to start my transition, I had a list of unsurmountable obstacles.

Big hands and big feet and big shoulders and big fears.

Now I have met women with bigger hands than mine. (And they admit it without me ever having touched the subject)
Now I don't ask "are my feet too big?", but "where can I buy pretty shoes my size?". (And I can, and I have over thirty pairs)
Now I dress so that my build is an advantage and the men in the mall ogle me and their spouses fear and detest me.
And the fears, well they have shrunk to their proper size, and then they have quickly been replaced by more practical concerns.

And if you can't go on feeling like this, read one of my other posts here today, because it is quite on topic:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,199531.new/topicseen.html#new

[suzifrommd]

None of the things you mention prevents you from being a woman. You ARE a woman. True your body proportions may be different from a lot of other women, but that doesn't change who you are.

As a woman, you are entitled to ALL the privileges and benefits of being female. No one gets to tell you you can't be a woman because your hands are bigger than a certain size.

I'm wondering if you're hung up on whether you'll pass (which is very different than being a woman or being beautiful). You are entitled to be yourself even if you don't or choose not to pass. Some of the happiest trans women I know don't pass and yet celebrate every day the opportunity to live as their true selves.

It is a universal condition of being female that we are all in some way unhappy with are bodies. Every woman I've ever come across, young or old, has something about her body she doesn't like.

Welcome to womanhood.