EDIT: AND I just realized this is a dead thread that was randomly brought to life, LOL. Oh well...
I do wonder if trans men's different experiences with dating cis gay men has to do with the places where they are meeting these gay cis men. I had a similarly bad experience with a gay cis man in college that actually sent me back into the closet, but we were both very young then. Now, as an almost 30 year old adult who attends a LGBT church and has been a part of the BDSM and leather community for ten years, I spend time with a different kind of gay man than the sort I was hanging out with in gay bars back in college. I look back now and realize that the young man I had a bad experience with was new to being out as gay and probably felt that he had a lot to prove to the world. The older gay people I spend time with now, as well as the people in the leather community (who have their own oddities that must be accepted by their partners), are generally much more open to the idea of dating trans men than those too-cool-for-school college freshmen who probably had never even kissed a boy before, much less have any clue what it really MEANT to be transgender.
I don't have any actual dating experience as a gay man yet since I am too dysphoric about my body at this point to enjoy bedroom play, but I honestly feel, based on the sample of gay cis men I know, that I will get plenty of dates if I ask out enough people. Sure, maybe a lot of guys will turn me down. But I am a strong believer in the idea that if you are confident enough to make the first move, you WILL get results. This philosophy probably comes from having had the role of Dom in the BDSM community--you are usually expected to be the one to ask a sub if they want to "play." Often you are turned down simply because you are not the kind of Dom they are looking for (you may not be their physical ideal, you may not have the same kinks, they may just not like the way you smell or the toys you own... It just happens.). So you go ask somebody else and somebody else until you find someone who wants to play with you. No one feels hurt being turned down in these scenarios, because it is well established that people want different things and that just because you're not this person's fantasy doesn't mean that there aren't twenty other people out there to whom you are the ultimate fantasy. It's a community where the concept of "everyone is beautiful in their own way" truly applies, and people compliment the GOOD things in one another without trying to claim that everyone must be attracted to everyone because it's the PC thing to do. Instead we acknowledge that just because I don't find someone attractive doesn't mean they AREN'T attractive--it just means they aren't attractive to me, personally. But we still acknowledge them as a beautiful person who is super attractive to others. This way of thinking eventually leaked over into my real life, and I discovered that I was able to get cis men to date me by acting in the same way, minus the talk of "play"--I just had to keep asking different guys that I liked out, and eventually one of those guys would also like me.
Try, try, and try again--it is the key to success in the world of dating for ANYONE. Also, do your best not to take one or two or even three guys not wanting to date you because you are trans as representative of all men's feelings. Because it simply is NOT. There ARE guys out there who will date you! I have been a part of communities filled with people who love all different kinds of people. Yeah, some gay guys are focused 100% on the size o' the boy parts. But there are plenty of them who are really into muscles or twinks or guys who wear makeup or guys who wear leather or blondes or short guys or bikers or dancers. These types won't care so much about your nether regions as they do about whether you are ripped/scrawny/lipsticked/in chaps/blonde/tiny/on a Harley/twerking. And they actually make up a HUGE percentage of the population, even if they may not announce their particular interests every single time they meet a person. Trust me, I've been to clubs and a part of groups that are absolutely FILLED with them! You just have to open yourself up enough to FIND them, and that means taking the risk of asking people out. I understand that there is a fear there, but that is why it is best to ask people out in safe spaces, like in a place surrounded by friends you KNOW would come to your defense if someone tried to hurt you. For example, I could ask anyone I wanted out at my church, because there are always a dozen people around who would come to my rescue if someone tried to hurt me. I could also ask anyone out at the local leather bar, because twenty leather clad daddies with bodies like Schwarzenegger would be happy to pick up anyone who tried to hurt me and physically throw them out on their butt for disrespecting someone in their space. As for the psychological pain... Just remind yourself: ALL PEOPLE GET REJECTED. Mostly for stuff WAY less shocking than being trans. You know, like being five pounds overweight or an inch too short or wearing an ugly pair of glasses. Luckily for everyone, there is someone out there who likes their guys just fine a little chubby or a little short or with nerdy glasses or even trans.
Okay, final point (since I realize I have been rambling, but it's mostly because the issue of being gay and trans used to REALLY worry me, and I have spent a LOT of time thinking about it lately): Don't forget that there is no guarantee that your status as trans is REALLY the reason a guy doesn't want to date you. It makes an easy excuse, but he may just not be attracted to you, and what a nice, easy way to not have to say "Sorry, I just don't think you're hot, bro" and come off like a rude, insensitive jerk! (Yes, they often DO think it is less rude to say they wouldn't date a trans guy than to say they don't find you attractive.) I know that may seem like the antithesis to making you feel better, but there are ALWAYS going to be people who find you unattractive for some reason (even if you'd been born as Brad Pitt), so who cares?
