Andrew here, mind helping me off the fence?

[fri]

Hello Susan's friends,

Pleased to make your acquaintance, having had lurked here for the past few weeks. My name is Andrew (hi!), and I was designated male at birth (just turned 32 this year). I swing both ways - figured it out quite early (around 9-10 years of age), and mostly it was a no brainer - I found myself able to fall in love with both sexes.

Since then, I've been through about ten long-term relationships with girls... but the relationships always end up dissolving, mostly due to my apathy in taking it to the next level (living together, kids). That 'love&trust' spark (in other words, oxytocin) hardly ever appears - and if it does, it does so only fleetingly. As soon as the intense dopamine rush of being head over heels wears off, I start feeling like I am wasting my girl's time, unable to keep both giving to her of my masculinity, and staying happy myself. It's always been one or the other.

Naturally, I found myself leaning over to the gay side - to check if I could, perchance, find somewhat longer lasting happiness there. Tried the dance clubs, the dating sites, the sex clubs. I found it all... profoundly alienating. Being a slender, delicate boy, I usually found myself being the bottom (not that I minded). It was then when I noticed that I really disliked the way gay men touched me by default (too aggressive, or not tender enough). I also couldn't care less about their touching my penis (IMO guys are on average godawful at giving head, at least compared to girls). There was a lot fulfillment in being penetrated though (but not for the 'prostate being rythmically hit feels good' reason, more the 'I like being the less powerful, dainty creature, that gets manhandled').

The resulting love/relationships mess would really bum me out at times - plunging me into mild to severe depression (for a good 15 years, with no real cause in sight), mood swings, self-medicating with alcohol, then weed. However... the moment I tentatively tried the 'trans hat' on, a weird thing happened. Considering myself a girl seems to not only have alleviated autumn's customary dent in my spirits - it also enabled me, for the first time in my life, to stay off MJ during the week (I had been a daily user for 8 years, gone through 8 years of heavy alcohol use before that). I almost don't believe it - I had previously thought it simply incurable.

I know as much so as to have scheduled an appointment with the local trans support group (luckily enough I live in a big city). Also trying not to 'cherry-pick' only those of my past behaviours that point to the possibility of being trans (like identifying with the female character of 'Basic Instinct' when I was 6, or feeling really great when a gay partner would call me his 'wife'), as it might be simply a form of OCD, only randomly pointing at 'transsexualism' at the time.

I will pick it up from there, but - as I have found a lot of useful information in your posts, dear users - have decided to ask you the questions I haven't so far been able to find a satisfactory answer to. And those are:

1) If you had access to cameras 24/7 (think 'Truman Show'), how could you tell apart a cis bisexual from a trans bisexual?
2) How would you know I weren't simply a gay bottom, and not a trans bi? I like to think that being able to fall in love with girls + having a boner is enough, but it's hard to forego the fact that I usually don't come until I pretend I am the woman being penetrated.

Apologies if I cross a line with this post, but I've done my best to inform myself on the rules of this place, which does not necessarily mean 'enough'. Feel free to move/split the topic however you like. May I please pick your brains on this issue?

Have a great day,
Andrew

[saraht123]

Hi Andrew.

Welcome to Susan's.

It sounds like you've pretty much worked this out already, but gender identity and sexuality are two completely separate things. Sexuality is who you want to go to bed with. Gender identity is who you want to be.

If you're trying to understand your own gender identity, a good place to start is to ask yourself 'would I rather be male, female, neither or both?'

Hopefully, that helps answer your questions, otherwise please get back to me and I'll try and explain as best I can!

Best wishes,

Sarah

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. The object of the transition isn't to be perfect but to become comfortable with your body. If you fall into the transgender spectrum, you feel that your body or your life in your current role is wrong. You adjust your body and lifestyle  to match your brain.

This bring the answer to question number one. Often with a single glance it's possible to tell if somebody is TG in their new role if you are TG. It comes with learning about the things that can't bee overcome. Can a CIS tell the difference? Often they can't. You have to understand we do this for our peace of mind and not to be totally stealth. I am still sired from time to time but most of the time it doesn't bother me because I am comfortable with myself.

Question number two. This isn't about sex, it's about gender identity and this is how you tell them apart.
Gender identity is who you want to go to bed as?
Sexual Preference is who do you want to go to bed with?
The answer to the first question will tell you if you are TG. The answer to both questions will tell you if you are Gay, Bi, Hetero or in my case, Asexual.

You may need to see a gender therapist to sort this all out, but for now you can go to youtube and request "the transition channel" and it will give you the questions you need to answer. Feel free to ask any more questions you might have.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[V M]

Hi Andrew 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[fri]

Sarah, Dena, VM: thanks for the warm welcome.

Sexuality is who you want to go to bed with. Gender identity is who you want to be.

What about 'who would you rather be in a relationship with'?
(To bed with: both sexes.
Identity: female, then.)

If you fall into the transgender spectrum, you feel that your body or your life in your current role is wrong.

Dang, they are wrong then. A part of me hoped you would turn me around, back to a heteronormative life, y'know? Not happening though, it seems...

You have to understand we do this for our peace of mind and not to be totally stealth.

My aim exactly. Sheesh, seems like I am one of you, not much room for doubts here really. Thanks for setting me straight (haha).

request "the transition channel"

I have, thank you!

[Dena]

Welcome to the family. You still have a good deal of exploring to do and it will continue for a few years but ask questions and we will answer what we can. Learn about the non binary as well as the transsexual parts of the site. Being transgender isn't to say you are transsexual but you could be and we want to make sure you get this right the first time.

Gender identity is something you are born with and nothing medical science can do will alter it. The only treatment is to alter the body to match the mind. Sometimes surgery isn't needed to accomplish this, other times it is. That's why understanding exactly what you feel is so important in treatment.