Some of my family members are Catholic but most Buddhist so at a young age it was always difficult to accept the Catholic which was so different, and at the same time those Catholic relatives would try to impress values on me quietly, but the Buddhist ones didn't do this. So at no point did I really embrace that faith. And I never really embraced Buddhist fully either, although I would say I learned a lot of useful self-control and philosophy from it.
Instead I ended up believing in myself as a kind of faith. This was a long process that started as soon as I was conscious I think and it was difficult; I had to deal with anxiety, social problems, bad parenting, complete lack of confidence in myself and my discomfort in being trans, among many other setbacks. I think it's a matter of time and of climbing obstacles. Eventually when you have surmounted enough obstacles alone by your own sheer power of will and determination, there can be no question that you have agency and power to fulfill your own dreams and find your own destiny. Then it's easier to have faith in yourself and be your own best friend. You know that somehow if something comes to stand in your way you will survive and you will find a way around it, one way or another. But I don't believe this kind of faith can just be had from the get-go or found in a moment of inspiration... it has to be earned through life with experiences. You can't easily believe in yourself unless you see your own power demonstrated, or see the results of your labors.
Well, you can build up a kind of false confidence in yourself but real confidence in your abilities comes with seeing yourself achieve and survive.
What is it like? It's good; it feels like someone has your back, even if it's just another part of you. Knowing at the end of the day you'll get through stuff because you always have. It's not exactly the same as a belief in god and there are moments when you'll feel beat down and crap, but you know that saying some people have "god will provide" in bad situations? Well, it applies to those with faith in themselves when they say "I'll think of something." And they will and they do. So it's kind of a way to shrug off uncertainty and panic because you've thought of something to save your skin before and you'll do so again. Confidence really does breed more confidence and being confident does seem to mean that a person performs better when dealing with things in life than someone who feels always nervous and uncertain of their own abilities. I believe it's been proven in psychology experiments that this is the case - if people are told or tell themselves they can't do something, they will perform worse on average than people who are told or believe the opposite. Eventually you'll no longer panic and fret about stuff so much because you know you're capable of getting through things. I trust myself and my own judgement, I know I'm fairly smart and able to solve problems logically... I don't need much else to get through life.
Unlike some people who need to believe there is an afterlife and their existence will not fade away, I have never felt the need to continue on after death. I will be happy enough if I just cease to exist after my life, which means I make the most of it while it is here, and whatever pain and hardship I am suffering now in life I know will not last forever. Someday I will be free of all that. So that is very comforting and inspiring too. And for some reason it's very easy to have faith in the inevitable, so I have no problem with death either. I went through a short time when I was young being afraid of it and asking all the philosophical questions of myself about ceasing to exist, but now I am completely at peace with it. Which also feels nice.
