Coming out before transitioning

[laurenb]

Hi all,

I'm at the beginning stages of a long, slow transition. I've been in therapy for a while for GD. I'm planning to start low dose HRT next spring along with facial electrolysis. I've been out to my wife for a few years (we've been together for 25). She's really good. I present as a feminine male, somewhat androgynous (about 60% of my clothes are women's - not in your face but definitely not male). I have long hair which frames my face and not too masculine looking features. The changes have been gradual. I'll probably complete transition within the next 5 years.

Here's my question: I'd really like to come out to some friends people and especially my son (20). Has anyone come out as transgender before transitioning? Was it confusing because you weren't fully presenting? I'm thinking that the longer people have to process this before I socially and physically transition (whatever that means right now), the easier it will be later. Could I just tell them this is what I am doing and why and at some point I will be a woman? Thoughts?

Thanks - Lauren

[Megan.]

I'm pre-everything, just about decided to transition, just have to say it out loud. I'm out to immediate family and a few close friends. I've explained to all of them in each case, how I feel, that I'm still very confused, what might happen, but that it will be very gradual, and that I won't just turn up in a dress one day! The media has given people the idea that's is a quick thing, trying to explain all the steps without drowning them in detail is tricky. Of course, they all ask the obvious question ( are you getting your junk taken off), which gets tiring. It becomes a rinse-and-repeat exercise after the first couple of times. My kids are only 4 and 2 and know nothing yet, so i can't advise on your son.

[CarlyMcx]

I would be very surprised if a lot of people close to you haven't figured it out already.  By some definitions around here, you have already embarked on a slow transition when you decided to grow your hair out and dress androgynously.

You may be pleasantly surprised when you talk to those closest to you.

My one question for you is, are your ears pierced?  If they are, then folks probably already know, and if not, maybe that would be a nice gift to yourself for coming out.

[MsMarlo]

Hi Lauren  :-)

Carly makes a very good point; you'd be surprised how many people close to you (and some not) can tell something is "different" if not ouright figure it out.  I remember one of my dispatchers whom I had not seen in a while saying that something was "different" about me and that it was not the weight loss.  No ->-bleeped-<-, Sherlock- shall I take my vest off to help you figure it out? lol

I didn't come out to a whole lot of people in the beginning, but some (including whole bunches of men lol) knew.  When I told my son he said he already knew (he's 29 going on 12). 

I wish I could write more but I have to get back out on the highway and raise some more insurance rates.  The key is how you feel and if you feel it is right to tell whomever.  Yes, there will come a point and time where the cat is going to get out of the bag and better he or she be let out by you than he or she escaping.  I hope that makes sense. In other words, when it feels right then let it out; don't force the issue.

Gotta go - be safe, sweetie

Marlo

[laurenb]

Thanks for the input. Some people have asked me what's up - I look different. For others it seems the process is so slow they don't seem to notice. It would be bonus if they said they knew when I do come out to them. Funny, my ears are not pierced yet and it's on the list. That would definitely raise the bar.

[ChiGirl]

I came out to family before I started to transition. I think it only helps to broaden your support base. This is the time you may want to be a little more select about who you tell, but it's good to tell some friends and family.

Megan's absolutely right that some people think it's this quick process when it really takes years usually.


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[Peep]

It seems like sometimes we have to come out twice - because sometimes people don't believe us the first time! I don't think there's anything wrong with coming out before you transition - it gives people more time to understand + prepare.

[MsMarlo]

My wife doesn't notice a lot of things, but then again she sees me every day.  Others whom I have not seen in a while tend to see marked changes.  I know i can see and feel changes as they happen, yet some are so subtle that I don't notice it until that particular something has changed.

Have you made an appointment with a therapist yet?

[TG CLare]

I told most of my close friends and family my plans before I began to transition. I think it made it easier for them to accept the changes rather than getting a face to face shock.

The funny thing is my family didn't suspect anything, yet the close friends I told weren't surprised at all. Go figure, huh?

Love,
Clare

[MsMarlo]

Yeah, it is strange how things fall into place sometimes.  Those who you are certain know or at least have an idea wind up clueless while the opposite end of the spectrum seems to have known all along.

The asswipes I work with had a pretty good idea, but partially out of fear and partially out of ignorance chose to remain silent.  Besides, they know I'm not staying here so why start something they will regret?

People do know more than we give them credit for, unless they are the caliber of people I work with. 

Gotta run- I have to go work a crash.  be safe, sweetie


Hugs

Marlo

[greencoloredpencil]

I came out to family before I started to transition. I think it only helps to broaden your support base. This is the time you may want to be a little more select about who you tell, but it's good to tell some friends and family.

Megan's absolutely right that some people think it's this quick process when it really takes years usually.


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I haven't started transitioning yet, but I've started coming out to people. I just did what felt most natural to me. It felt a lot more natural to me to first come out and then transition rather to wait to come out until starting transition. I completely agree that one advantage of this approach is that you can broaden your support base. In fact, the first person I came out to (who I selected very carefully) sort of told me that I ought to be building a support team of sorts because this would be hard. I think that was good advice.

[Cindi Lane]

I decided to minimize the "shock and awe" factor.
My wife and I started telling our close friends and what little family we keep in contact with starting last year (my goal is to go full time in about a year). My approach has been to meet in person wearing my "Work Uniform" (what I call wearing my old typical male clothes) and tell them the good news that I living part time as female and that at some point in the not to distant future I will living full time as the woman I am. The next time we meet with them I try to be fully presenting as myself (Cindi) in a Dress or Skirt+blouse to confirm that I'm serious.

- Cindi

PS. So far no push-backs or lost friends for either my wife or myself, many "your are so brave" comments, a number of "I like the new you even better" and one "I don't care how you are dressed, I just want to go target shooting with you"

[meatwagon]

i can only speak for myself, but i often feel like coming out to my family before transition was a mistake.  the only thing that's changed is that now i feel even worse when they use the incorrect name and gender for me, because i know that they know how i feel about it.  the least hurtful thing was some of them being confused and thinking it was the same thing as me being gay, and having to try (and fail) to explain the difference.  that, i expected and could understand.  but because i have not transitioned beyond "cross dressing", and no legal or physical changes have been made, the only acknowledgement i've received from family members who know the difference has been their denying it and telling me that i am wrong.  i don't think they will ever respect me or my decision, but i feel that beginning transition before i bothered to come out would at least have forced some acknowledgement. 
that said, now if/when i am able to make real changes, they won't be able to act surprised and i can tell them "i told you so".  i am at least glad to have gotten it out of the way.

with my closest friends and significant other, however, i definitely think it was the right decision to tell them sooner rather than later.  the surprise has long since worn off, and my SO has accepted my gender and gotten used to the idea.  it's important for them to know me for who i am, especially if they are going to be by my side during transition if/when i am able to actually do so.  it's also a huge relief to know that i don't have to hide any part of myself from those closest to me, and to be able to talk to them about these things.

so i guess my answer is, it depends on who you're telling and how important it is to you that they know how you feel. 

[SciFi_Reader]

My personal plan is to have the transition fairly well established before I start coming out in a major way, because my wife and I feel it's a more concrete way to explain and be understood -- "you may have noticed some changes; well, there are more changes to come, because this is what's happening with me," versus "here's this really disruptive feeling and plan that I have, that you can't see any actual evidence of outside of my asserting it," if that makes any sense.  It's hard, especially with co-workers, whom I'm closer to than most of biological family, especially since the bulk of the transition plans are only plans until my wife is firmly and securely pregnant with our third child, so there's not a lot it feels like I can do except talk and think about it.  I feel a huge pressure to say something, just to get it all out of my own head a little bit, and maybe to an extent, to legitimize it, but realistically I don't think it's the time.

I don't know whether this is relevant or not, but when I went through an earlier period of fairly major gender dysphoria, for a variety of reasons I didn't do a whole lot of actual real-world crossing of gender lines, and I did talk an awful lot about it to my friends, and looking back, I'm not sure that was altogether helpful.  I think it created a feeling of "put up or shut up" among some people, and when it turned out that a transition wasn't in the cards for me then, it made me feel like a huge failure, and like the gender dysphoria was some sort of delusion that I just had to put aside and push through.  It's been hard getting over that feeling now.  That's my experience, anyway.  I hope you find a balance that works for you, and much happiness and comfort as you move forward on your own path, wherever it leads you.

-L