Self loathing

[Natalie W]

I want to make clear that I'm not referring to my ->-bleeped-<-, as I've accepted and embraced that already.  I'm talking about loathing my body and the way I look.  As of now, I'm not out of the closet or anything and I live a conservative town, so I haven't taken any steps to make myself look more feminine.  All my actions have really been to the opposite effect. 

Shortly after I realized that I was transgendered, I decided that I wasn't going outwardly transition until college.  Having a fairly optimistic attitude, I figured that I might as well make my male body look as good as possible well I had it.  So, I grew my beard, got a nice haircut, etc. Now when I look in the mirror, I see a fairly attractive young man.  I also feel a sense of loathe so intense I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach.  I have trouble accepting that that person is me, and not who I feel I really am.  This feeling showed up fairly recently; well I knew I was female, I never really minded having a male body.  It was a minor annoyance, and I just told myself "soon it won't be that way."  As I've been firming up plans for transition, this annoyance has grown, and now I can't stand the way I look or the thing between my legs. 

As I've said, I'm not transitioning until college.  That's three weeks away still, and it'll be longer until I actually look female.  Until then, I'm stuck with some severe body dysphoria and self loathing.  So I ask, do/did you experience similar feelings before and during your transition?  If so, how did you deal with it?  What can make it bearable until the day I can wake up and see my true self in the mirror?  Thanks for your help.

Natalie

[Janet_Girl]

I feel that every damn day that I have to go to work.  I have not yet transitioned at work but that is coming. The only real relief is on my four day off or when I am at home.  That is only a small relief as I don't really go anywhere.

I would do anything and everything to at least be yourself.  You did not say why you are going to wait till college but I would assume that you are still at home with the family.   You need to find a happy medium to be somewhat sane.  Find support group where you can go if even only once a month.

I may not always 'pass' but I don't care because I am now happy.  And soon I will be full time 24/7.  SRS and/or Orchy is the next step. 

Have faith sister and let your inner woman free.  You and her will both be happier and one.

Much Love,
Janet

[Yip]

I certainly loath my appearance, I hate shaving because I cant avoid looking at my own face, I hate catching my reflection on windows or
metal reflections when shopping. I feel extreme resentment when I see myself I probably even do a "snarl" when I do.
I basically hate being reminded of the way I am. How did I deal with it.... sadly for me I havent been, I've actually
not looked after myself much and I think I may have been unwittingly trying to destroy my body....infact by not looking after it.

Love to hear someone who does have a way to deal with this,..

[je]

I might as well chime in.

Before I arrived on this forum, I thought my face was just hideous. I couldn't smile for the camera. I couldn't look myself in the mirror. I let what little beard I have grow out. I didn't brush my teeth, wash my hair... I thought I looked that bad.

Honestly I don't loathe myself as much as I used to. When I look in the mirror, my face isn't bad at all. Still, I hate this man brow and the size of my chin. I wish they would shrink into something manageable.

I hope, as time goes along as I finally jump-start my transition, I'll find some happiness in my face. I probably will eventually love my face, but that will be after I get rid of this horrid man brow at the least.

I have been able to start to like myself because of the positive reinforcement from a lot of other people...

[Aiden]

Have you tried plucking or whatever women do to shape the eyebrows?  I know a friend of mine did something like that.

[Mnemosyne]

Do what you want to do and when you are comfortable doing it. Here it is really hot out right now, the perfect excuse to shave. Letting your hair grow out a little will not attract that much attention right now and probably not until it has grown quite long. But other guys grow their hair out too.

Baby steps may be slow but you will still end up where you want to go. Best of luck in transition and in school.

[Domestic Insanity]

I know that feeling. I hate my body. I hate having a large chest, I hate having female sexual organs, and it makes me constantly depressed, especially when people notice.
Or when people deny I'm male.

[Aiden]

geh... yeh.  kinda had a moment while back that was trying out a calming technique to calm myself down but all I could get on my mind was something hanging off my chest grr

[joannatsf]

If you hate looking masculine, why did you grow a beard?  Get a man's haircut?

There's a lot of room between looking like Grizzly Adams and RuPaul.  Especially if you're young.  Since you don't want to transition, why not just lose the beard?  Muster the courage to buy a Short Haircuts mag at the grocery or drug store.  There are lots of styles that can go either way depending on how you fix it and fixing hair is something you need to learn anyway.  You can effect a more feminine pose without giving yourself away in public.  Hopefully when you're alone you can let the girl out.

[Natalie W]

Sorry I sort of forgot about this thread...

I made that first post one day when, after doing much planning and research and getting excited about transitioning, I looked in the mirror, saw myself, and a had a bad reaction with what I saw.  I guess I was asking more how I can deal with it mentally until I can change the way I look and also looking for a way to vent a little.  I'm feeling much better about the way I look now, though of course I wouldn't say I'm happy with it.  I think I was just having a bit of an overly dramatic reaction on top of an emotional week.  Thanks for all the replies!

  Just to clear up some questions y'all asked, I grew the beard and everything while I was still in a serious state of denial about my gender issues.  At the point, I was telling myself I was 'just' a man who crossdressed.  Because I was forcing myself to believe I was guy, I wanted to make myself look as good - and as manly - as possible.  Hence the beard and whatnot.  Now, I've come out to myself (for what I've realized is the third time) and I'm laying down some firm plans for transitioning, which is causing me to dislike my male self more and more.  I understand that I can shave and get a different a haircut, but I live with two conservative, overstressed parents who don't react to change well and are getting ready to send their only child off to college.  I decided to wait until everyone was used to me being in college before giving them any idea something was up.  I'm going to be fairly open about being transgendered in college, so I don't think I'll mind making changes to the way I look while I'm there.  I just thought I would be nice and not give my parents yet another thing to worry about just yet.  I'll definitely be joining a support group soon, since a transgendered youth support group meets within biking distance of my school.  Even better, there's a free therapist on campus, and if that doesn't work out, a gender therapist almost literally across the street from my dorm!  So, like I said, I'm feeling much better now.  I'm really looking forward to college

[NicholeW.]

College is a great place to transition -- with a few exceptions (church-related colleges and probably some state universities in flaming red states -- a more liberal environment and just more easy-going people around. And with luck you'll see your parents a couple of times a year. What's not to like?

Stay away from mirrors!! They can be deadly!!

N~