I'm starting to get it

[KathyLauren]

After going back and forth on this a lot, I am starting to see the picture.  I figure I am probably aout 40% female and 60% male.  Or maybe it's 50-50, or maybe 60-40.  The numbers don't matter.  What matters is there's some of each in me.   "Genderfluid", I guess that's called.

After spending 60 years trying without success to deny the female part, I can see that it would be a mistake to turn around and try to deny the male part.  I'm both.  Always have been, always will be. 

Most likely, this will mean no transition for me.  A bit of me is sad about that, but it feels more real this way.  On the plus side, it makes it more likely that I could eventually come out to my wife without the whole idea being rejected out of hand.

What I see as a viable future for me would be to be able to cross-dress openly at home or with close friends. 

I am going to sit with this idea for a while to see how it fits.  So far, it feels like the fit is good.

[Beth Andrea]

Very wise.

[Bunter]

I think many people are a mix like that. It's difficult not to "decide" because the whole world wants us to "choose" and go "all the way" and be "real".

I think that's problematic.

[Girl Beyond Doubt]

My decision to finally "do it" followed my realization that otherwise I would have been unhappy for the rest of my life.
I knew that I had both male and female traits, but for me, it had always been a decision to stay in the male role or transition fully. Anything in between would have kept causing me more strain and stress than I would have been able to cope with.

What would you do if you had no spouse, no kids, no responsibilities?

[JoanneB]

Pretty close to my own balancing act. Spot on with the evaluations. A lot of the "Who" I am is tied into the male side. To do a full transition to gain a chance to be 100% authentic comes with the risk of loosing big chunks of what makes me me. Which is really becoming less authentic.

I am thankful for the option. It tears my heart out when new members come to my TG support group the first time and they see no other (viable) option but transition

[kaitylynn]

There is as much a spectrum within the term "transition" as there is in the term "transgender".  I have distinctly masculine qualities that have been built upon and honed over nearly 50 years of life...but I also have distinctly feminine traits as well.  I discovered early on that I could meld the two together to form a more complete whole that has become me.  There are still things that I am changing and I am still evolving internally and externally.

You do not have to throw away your "prior self" to be in transition.  My therapist and I were just talking about this last week in fact...she is cis-female, but has things she does that are masculine and those are just part of her character.  This is the same for each and every one of us.

It sounds like you view yourself internally as "gender neutral" way, which to me simply means you recognize both of your natures and in a fluid way you can express either way externally?

[JoanneB]

There is as much a spectrum within the term "transition" as there is in the term "transgender".  I have distinctly masculine qualities that have been built upon and honed over nearly 50 years of life...but I also have distinctly feminine traits as well.  I discovered early on that I could meld the two together to form a more complete whole that has become me.  There are still things that I am changing and I am still evolving internally and externally.

You do not have to throw away your "prior self" to be in transition.  My therapist and I were just talking about this last week in fact...she is cis-female, but has things she does that are masculine and those are just part of her character.  This is the same for each and every one of us.

It sounds like you view yourself internally as "gender neutral" way, which to me simply means you recognize both of your natures and in a fluid way you can express either way externally?

I realized seven years ago that much of the crap in my life was from how I was NOT handling being trans. The conclusion I came to was finding some way to get these two great aspects of myself to peacefully coexist inside one hopefully happier person.

It took some doing but I think I'm a good 80% or more there. In a perfect world I would fully transition. But I am not alone on this ride. My wife, while glad I am still alive (she is well aware of the sad stats) is supportive, to a point. So far that "point" is a moving target. The realities of life also are a big factor. While I have achieved my lifelong dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman, how things will play out at work is a whole other matter. It is a something I cannot risk today, given I have the option not to transition mostly available

[KathyLauren]

What would you do if you had no spouse, no kids, no responsibilities?

Had you asked me that a month or two ago, I would have said, "Of course I would transition."  Now, I am not so sure.  Until just this week, I have been stuck in a binary mode of thinking.  I am no longer sure that it works for me.  I'll have to sit with my new understanding for a while to see where it leads.

A lot of the "Who" I am is tied into the male side. To do a full transition to gain a chance to be 100% authentic comes with the risk of loosing big chunks of what makes me me. Which is really becoming less authentic.

This sums up my feeling exactly.  Thank you for the validation, Joanne.

This stuff is like peeling an onion.  Every time you expose another layer, there is another layer under it.

[JoanneB]

Full disclosure - Seven years (or when I first took on the trans beast for real, transitioning was the absolute last thing on my to-do list. Been there, tried it twice many decades earlier. Nary a day goes by that the more harmonious me contemplates  the consequences, evaluating the risk/benefit ratios

[gennee]

Kathy I'm happy that you have found where you are most comfortable. I am comfortable in both masculine and feminine, though I much prefer the feminine. It's a good choice to see how far you want to go. It took me over a year to feel comfortable in my skin. Congratulations.