Introductions:
Im a 23 year old male from New Zealand. I work in landscaping , Its a fairly decent wage I guess, Im not strong like the other guys I work with but I try to get the job done. I have a 3 year old son and I live with my mum and sister due to a history of drug abuse, been clean for a year but still haven't gotten my life together enough to move out just yet (working to it though). I have fantasized about being female since I can remember, when I was 17 I moved into an apartment in the city where I was working. While I was there I started buying some "girly" things, it started with wigs at first, I would buy them at this really nice store (cant remember what the place was called, its closed now though) and take them home and wear them, it felt exciting but I didn't feel too weird about it, I just thought it was fun to have similar hair to some of my idols (lily allen, hayley williams ect).
Soon though it progressed, I started buying make-up, dresses, pantyhose and wearing them too. I didn't like the way I looked in them as I didn't have a womanly figure, I found out through crossdressing websites about undergarments with gel padding to add fake curves and boobs, they were expensive but I had to have them ofcourse. In my dress, with my shoulder length ginger wig, body waxed, makeup on and my wonderful padded bra and panties, I would look in the mirror and think "im quite passable, even pretty". It became an addiction, everynight after work (at starbucks) I would come home and slip into my female persona (I called her Lilian, dont know why, just like the name). It was a secret I kept very close, I could never understand why I felt more comfortable pretending to be a girl than being myself, half of the time when walking down the road, as myself, I never went out of my home dressed that often due to one time I got assaulted by a random guy who was hitting on me until he realized what I was, I would see people look at me and feel paranoid that they knew somehow.
About 2 years ago I fell into drug-induced psychosis and had to quit my city life and move in with my mother as I couldn't take care of myself, I had a hard time distinguishing reality from hallucination. I don't have to mention that at this time I had to say goodbye to Lily and I missed her everyday but I got over it eventually. Recently my mother has changed careers and is working nights, sometimes not coming back home for a week and my sister would go to her dads during that time. I still have my xdress stuff and one night I decided for old times sake I would be Lillian again just for a night. This has stirred those old feelings and I became hooked again, every chance I get Im dressing up (im currently Lily at the time of writing this) but opportunities are few and far between due to the house having people in it or randomly stopping by and my fatherly obligations (sometimes I wish I had no family, makes me feel bad saying that but I believe I would be happier). I feel miserable all day, especially days when I know I wont be able to be Lillian, I've even been putting pics of me on a dating site and meeting men in hotel rooms for sex, I hate it and I feel degraded but it is one of the only options I have as I cant afford my own hotel room for a night so I need someone to pay for it and there I can be Lillian but it isn't free and the guys expect something. I feel like im on drugs all over again, I do things im not proud of just to be a girl for a few hours. I constantly think of transitioning but truthfully Im no where near brave enough to do that, plus I care too deeply about the opinions of my family and I dont want to do anything to taint them. But Im struggling to go on and keep a happy face, the only time I enjoy my life is when Im Lily.
Thats what on my mind, thanks for reading my novel
Sorry if this double posts my login timed out
