(Time starting 11:35pm PST)
I haven't told him personally, or directly... Though in about 10 hours, he is going to hear it from me. I am meeting him for breakfast tomorrow, or should I say today. I'm scared, actually no I'm not scared. I'm petrified.
From what my mother had told me he has known for a while now, and was putting blame on my father of letting word escape. I don't know how true that is, but honestly I can care less who has told him, if anyone has told him. She also mentioned that in her own words that "your brother had mentioned that your nails were better than your cousins, when she was taking him home from our thanksgiving day get together."
So today I went to work early to check my schedule for next week and how I can go across finding time to figure on a way to make this happen. I tested him if he was free Saturday (today) or Sunday. So then he told me his not so absolute plans, so I asked if he wanted to go have breakfast somewhere, made arrangements for 10 am. I then send a message to my cousin, asking about what he said about me. When she responded to me, she said he had mentioned that my nails were more festive than hers, and of course, since she is aware of me as Kate. Well I had let her know just the night before Thanksgiving that I am Kate, because she helped me and my mother to set up the rented area up for Thanksgiving.
A little background for my cousin knowing. About a month ago my mother and her, and her friend (friend knowing about me way beforehand), had a trip to Hawaii. When my mother came back from the trip she had given me a present from my cousin, which were a couple Hawaiian dress wrap thingamajigs. Which is a statement that in turn that my mother had told her, so I was kinda obligated to telling her. So then on, which I hadn't let her know of what I go by or anything, just that she knows I am transgender. She was pissed at her friend knowing first, but had hopefully got over that fact, as I had told her friend first, which was honestly the first person family/friend related (like even before my own parents knew).
I am sooo anxious right now, I feel like I seriously want to run away, just go somewhere and not be found. But that would not benefit me, nor anyone else. I know my reasons may be stupid for not telling my brother sooner, I have had many opportunities to tell him outright, but I'm scared. I feel as if I'm in fight or flight mode, well flight mode.. I'm scared, not what his reaction may be but my own. He knows already, my cousin had reassured me, when I was at lunch at work, is that my brother just wants to see me happy. She had also claimed she was not the one who told him. But from how she mentioned things in a tricky yet "I'll let him say his side..." is that I have in a way told him.
I know I am not really discreet in my state of dressing for family events. But at least try and stay moderately androgynous, as I have kept my unisex graphic teeshirts,and use those as a minor guise as for the rest of the family. Otherwise I have my female jeans I always wear as such. Only really my cousin (the one who I am mentioning here) is the only one who had ever confronted me in the wear of them. Which before she knew, I just told her they were comfortable.
I mean I am not trying to hide the fact, well yes I am trying to hide the fact from certain family members, as I know certain ones kind of have their views jaded by their religious beliefs, and at the time of my half sister's birthday, there was actually quite a debate about Caitlyn Jenner (where this family member was stating that it goes against nature... blah blah blah)
I am not sure how long my brother had been aware, for all I know he could have known way longer than I have myself. I mean, honestly, I have no way of finding out until I talk to him. I am just a mess. I was out in my jeep at lunch break, and had a slight breakdown, my mind was racing with thoughts that date back to 2003, well actually further back... I started remembering the times I had come close to cutting my penis off, the times I had slept with the scissors under my pillow. The time I wanted to be like the other girls in choir back in middle school. The time where I had started painting my nails. The time I had dyed my hair (which was a disaster), the time in which some of which old pictures of me remind me of when I was aware, but at the same time not aware. When I grew my hair out (not really grew it out long, but longer than normal). Just writing this is is just making me cry.. I have always looked up to my brother, just how strong he was/is, independent, good willed, whole hearted... a brother, any sister would die to have.
I'm anxious, nervous, scared, feeling like I just want to run away never to be found. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to go about this. I know though, I need to tell him. He has been waiting patiently long enough, had not asked me to come forward, say anything, do anything. Hell he stuck up for me in the way a brother would do, when apparently in high school my parents thought I was doing drugs. He knows me well enough, more than I know myself.
Branching off of this topic and into more thoughts in my head which have been running circles ever since I had my breakdown earlier.. I have been running away, not from my own family, but from myself. After I gotten my first job, went in was doing amazing, had a promotion after 6 months only to disband that due to being caught up with an army recruiter. Ended my job at the 9 month mark, well put in for military leave, as since I was going in for boot camp, and training, then being sent back home since I had signed up my contract to be reserve. Only to find out when I got back the hours were frozen, and they could not place me in any other stores. Eventually finding a job again 6 months later.
I thought my reasons to go into the military was stupid. But I went with it anyways. I signed the contract. In my mind, I was going in the military, because my 9 to 5 job, being minimum wage, was going nowhere but a dead end (seriously, even though I just had a promotion). I loved boot camp, well loved it and hated it at the same time. I had suppressed my thoughts, my mind, myself. I loved it as I got to make acquaintances (I never talked to any of them past boot camp nor training) I went through rigorous training in which made me fit, made me be able to think more logically, tactful, have more situational awareness...
In my early years of reserve training, (weekends, months) I hated it as my job training never went to use, and they had tried to send me back to Fort Gordon for training into a different field (which now I am in telecommunications, networking) at first I said no. I then had no choice but to change my job. Eventually leading me back to Georgia.
But during my early years (mind you I signed my contract on Valentine's day, back in 2006) got back home right before Thanksgiving in 2007, had started talking to my future wife over the internet back in 2008. Now that I think about it, I think I had claimed my name Kate back in June of 2008, since when I had introduced myself to her, I introduced myself as Kate. As time progressed, as talking to her through the game chat, as well as text messages, then eventually led up to talking on the phone, and a flight down to Southern California, which ended up as a prolonged stay, things hit off. 2010 rolls around, I propose to her in an attempt to keep the relationship. 2011 hits and I get sent to Georgia for three months for a job change, she ends up moving out there as I try to gain a foot to get a different military job, get married, live out there for two years before things got too difficult to stay out there. Moved back to Northern California near the end of 2012, move to Southern California a few months later. 2013, 2014, come to the year 2015, february, we sign paperwork for an annulment since we are just under the 5 year mark, since we had no property together, no children, no real nothing together, she took hers, I took mine and we set tracks on our own lives. To find out what we need in our lives in which would make each other happier. March I move back in with my mother... and due to the hardships I have been mentioning here, and my brothers cancer (which right now his last blood work has been notified that he is cancer free).
I have been fighting my whole life to get to where I am tonight... in shambles. Rolling back onto topic of which is this post... My brother knows, he has been patiently waiting for me to come to him, to let him know of my struggles. I was scared of telling him earlier, due to his cancer, and never wanted to put more burden on him, with everything going on. But maybe I should have, I need to be stronger, to do the unspeakable, to attain happiness. My new first step is to tell him. Let him into my life as I am in his. I have never told him I looked up to him, but I always have. I admire his strength, courage, dedication to live and let nothing get in his way...not even cancer.
This post has taken me two hours to summon up the courage just to write, to plaster with everything in my head, to cry, let loose my emotion and heart. Everything that I am.
I am lucky to have a family so accepting, but so much more than this. I am lucky to have an amazing brother.
Kate <3
(Time ending 1:39 am PST)
