How to Accept What I Can't Change?

[Carrie Liz]

So, quick question.

I'm by all accounts at the end of my transition, with the exception of any potential future surgeries.

Everything's legally changed, I've been full-time for a year and a half now, I'm accepted by everyone, stealth to most people at work, and I don't ever get stared at or have rude comments directed at me ever, so by all accounts I'm passable.

The problem is, I'm STILL dealing with a lot of body dysphoria.

My face still bothers me because even though it's passable, it's drawn and angular. Plus I still have a square receded hairline, and my face just doesn't have those same beautiful childish not-affected-by-testosterone features that I see on every single other woman. (Before you judge me for saying this, here's what I look like in my everyday life, when I'm not taking profile-picture glamor shots. http://oi65.tinypic.com/2u9og9u.jpg I'm the one on the right.) My voice still bothers me because even though it "passes" it's a deeper voice, and not "deeper" in the way that a cis woman's voice would be deep, "deep" as in "even though it passes, I can still hear the male undertones in there, and it's a bit strained and nasaly, so it sounds "transy" rather than being the unchanged not-affected-by-testosterone female voice that I was always jealous of." And I still only have the boob development of about your average 13-year-old.

Basically, I still deal with a lot of body dysphoria. There's still so many parts of my body that I feel like aren't "female" by my own judgment... like those are the features on women that I was always jealous of, and I still don't have them.

The thing is, unlike someone with the financial resources to fix them, I don't have such resources. I'm JUST now reaching my savings goal for SRS a whopping 3 years after I started hormones and started saving for it. So I'm not going to be able to afford things like FFS or BA or VFS that might actually make those body features more cisnormative in any reasonable amount of time. And I'm 30 right now. So even if I do get the money for them in the future, I'll still never be the young girl that I always wanted to be, my youth will be over by then.

So my question is, how can I learn to accept these things?

I still fall into despair sometimes because of these body features that I cannot change, feeling like I'll never be rid of the things that have always caused me distress and are still causing me distress, and I still end up feeling down quite often on days where body dysphoria hits me harder than usual.

Advice?

[Girl Beyond Doubt]

A good friend of mine has once told me that we are ourselves responsible for being happy.

At that time I did not fully realize the truth of what she had said.

My answer to you is that your point of view is your choice. It is a duty and a freedom. A pain and a pleasure. A project lasting a whole lifetime.

I am about 15 years older than you are. I have started my real transition less than three years ago. Should I send you my shoes so that you can be standing in them just for a while?

[Maybebaby56]

Basically, I still deal with a lot of body dysphoria. There's still so many parts of my body that I feel like aren't "female" by my own judgment... like those are the features on women that I was always jealous of, and I still don't have them.

I know that no matter how many surgeries I could have or afford, I will never have a woman's hips or ribcage, and my figure will always be somewhat boyish.  I will never bear children. I have been haunted by the question of whether social transition will be enough.  If I give up my male life, will what I get in exchange make me happy?  It's a very difficult question.  Right now, the fact I have a path forward to transition gives me great solace and a source of hope. But I am deliberately not examining the end state too critically.  For one, I cannot know for certain what it will be like, and I don't want to manufacture demons where none may exist.  There is a saying, "Argue for your limitations and they shall be yours."  While social acceptance would be rewarding, ultimately I know I am responsible for my own happiness.  I think most everyone knows that, but it isn't as easy as saying the words, is it?

The thing is, unlike someone with the financial resources to fix them, I don't have such resources. I'm JUST now reaching my savings goal for SRS a whopping 3 years after I started hormones and started saving for it. So I'm not going to be able to afford things like FFS or BA or VFS that might actually make those body features more cisnormative in any reasonable amount of time. And I'm 30 right now. So even if I do get the money for them in the future, I'll still never be the young girl that I always wanted to be, my youth will be over by then.

So my question is, how can I learn to accept these things?

I still fall into despair sometimes because of these body features that I cannot change, feeling like I'll never be rid of the things that have always caused me distress and are still causing me distress, and I still end up feeling down quite often on days where body dysphoria hits me harder than usual.

Advice?

I can give you some perspective, at least.  I am 58.  I decided I wanted to transition two years ago. I just started hormones a few months ago.  If I am lucky, I will be able to get FFS in a couple of years.  I will be 60.  And then maybe GCS a couple of years after that.  I will never be the young girl I wish I could have been.  I will never have that hourglass figure I have wanted all my life.  In two years I will be 60, whether I get FFS or not. I would rather be 60 with a female face than 60 with a male face.  Even if that face belongs to a 60-year old woman.

I guess my advice to you Carrie, would be to live your life, and strive for what you wish for.  As long as there is life in your body, you have every ability to enjoy it.  One of the most damaging things people say is "you're too old!" That may be appropriate advice for having children, but never for self-improvement, or chasing one's dreams.

Terri   

[iKate]

I'm married to a woman in a marriage that is doomed to fail. I am nearly 40. I have 3 kids that still don't fully grasp what is going on. I have to use my own money to pay for hormones and surgery as my parents make barely any money. I even had to claw my way into the country for transition to even be possible (although I heard things are changing a little in my old country).

The most well known transsexual in my old country has not had FFS or SRS and she seems to be just fine. Even though she is a business owner and probably can afford it, she hasn't had it. I guess she is happy the way she is. She transitioned at 19, but still has brow bossing and some other masculine features and a voice that can often sound like "gay man" rather than "woman."

I think you have a lot going for you. 30 isn't all that old, no matter what you see in the Trans world today with teens and twenty somethings bouncing around, transitioning early, passing effortlessly and living in heterosexual relationships with relatively standard family relationships.

Yes I have the money for surgery, but I still feel I wish I had more. I would have loved to go through my teens and 20s as a girl and a woman respectively. I would have loved to marry a man and even if it's adoption, have a family with him.

But that isn't happening. At least my dysphoria is gone, I tell myself! Well maybe. I still have to deal with myself and it takes some realization that some things will not change no matter what - like I can't get pregnant (maybe) and I can't turn back the clock and change history.

Such is life and I had unchangeable things even before I started transition.

[Maybebaby56]

At least my dysphoria is gone, I tell myself! Well maybe. I still have to deal with myself and it takes some realization that some things will not change no matter what - like I can't get pregnant (maybe) and I can't turn back the clock and change history.

Such is life and I had unchangeable things even before I started transition.

Yes! I very much agree with you, iKate.  I knew going into this that there was no guarantee of happiness, and there will be some sacrifices and compromises.  I ask myself almost every day, "Is this worth it?", because transitioning is hard.  But I forget how things were for me before I started hormones.  The dysphoria, the endless quiet agony of longing and regret over not being female.  I was so tired of it.  It was soul-sucking.  My wife once accused me of being "incapable of happiness".  I denied it, but in retrospect, I think she was right. 

Every day is not a garden, but I have moments when I stop worrying and analyzing everything, and I catch myself in a feminine spirit that comes so naturally and effortlessly it startles me.  Then I realize that is what it is like simply being alive without the dysphoria.  When I reflect on those moments I conclude I can't not transition. I don't know exactly what that transition will look like, but I want to be happy.  I don't know why that has to be such a huge, huge deal.

Terri   

[JoanneB]

Attitude

Easy enough for me to say. Have you tried reality therapy? Spent some quality time waiting on the checkout line at the supermarket or Walmart and look at the various shapes and sizes of real women?

I had a female friend a while back. She was the runt of the family at 6ft. Broad shoulders, angular face, deeper then average somewhat gravely voice. She wasn't totally thrilled about it, yet didn't let it rule her thoughts.

Beauty and fashion industries aren't the multi-billion dollar enterprises that they are because just about every woman in the world is happy or satisfied with their bodies and their looks. We all cannot be winners of the gene-pool lottery.

[Carrie Liz]

Attitude

Easy enough for me to say. Have you tried reality therapy? Spent some quality time waiting on the checkout line at the supermarket or Walmart and look at the various shapes and sizes of real women?

I had a female friend a while back. She was the runt of the family at 6ft. Broad shoulders, angular face, deeper then average somewhat gravely voice. She wasn't totally thrilled about it, yet didn't let it rule her thoughts.

Beauty and fashion industries aren't the multi-billion dollar enterprises that they are because just about every woman in the world is happy or satisfied with their bodies and their looks. We all cannot be winners of the gene-pool lottery.

The problem is, I'm not comparing myself to people in the beauty and fashion industry, or TV, or anything that's glamorized. It's those "normal everyday women," like 98% of the women that I see every day while I'm at work, or shopping, or doing anything, that I'm jealous of.

Hell, I was never even jealous of the beautiful girls in the first place. I don't want to be like that and never did. I've always been way more jealous of your boring average everyday unfashionable nerd.

I don't really care about being beautiful or not. I just want to be definitively female in the same way that EVERY woman is unquestionably female.

[Ms Grace]

I can appreciate where you are coming from. There are things I'd like to have different about my appearance - height and voice mainly. But nothing's going to change that (vocal surgery might but I'm not prepared to go there) and I just have to accept it. Those features maybe give me away to some but apparently doesn't to most others. I've reached a significant degree of acceptance but I'm not sure how exactly.

How do you greet yourself in the mirror each morning? Do you smile and say hello? Do you scowl and poke your tongue out? I smile. When I get dressed ready to go out I smile back and say "there she is" or "hey, sexy" or other words of encouragement. It makes a MEGATON of difference. It makes me feel good about myself and I can wear it and know I am the best I can be. Do I sometimes feel like a hulking giant that sounds like Barry White? Sure, it still pops up every now and then but I don't let it drag me down. I know that perception is wrong, that I don't really look or sound like that. Self-acceptance doesn't happen overnight, it takes work and a real desire to change your current attitude.

As for your "non-glam" pic, you look great!

[suzifrommd]

So my question is, how can I learn to accept these things?

I have three suggestions:

First, understand that it is a nearly universal condition of womanhood that there is something about our looks we don't like. Every woman I've ever gotten to know, cis or trans, is bothered by something in their appearance. Can you remind yourself that your unhappiness about your looks puts you in a sisterhood of about 3 billion women?

Second, none of us are perfect. We are not required to be. Letting go of my perfectionism some years ago was the key to going from a mostly unhappy person to a mostly happy one. Go easy on yourself. Treat yourself like a precious child. You wouldn't tell a precious child that her face is angular and her voice is deep. No, you'd love her and fill her with whatever good thoughts you could send your way.

Third, I find prayer really helps. I'm something of an agnostic, so instead of praying to God, I pray to my inner strength and wisdom. I find it works just as well. "Please, give me peace and acceptance of the wonderful woman I am" can banish even the nastiest self-criticism.

Carrie, I really hope this helps. Your spirit has always inspired me. You deserve to see yourself as just as wonderful a person as I do.

Hugs.

[MichaelaLJ1972]

I think you are stunning. I have actually watched quite a few of your videos and have been amazed by how much you have blossomed from the first ones you made. I only wish I could be as beautiful as you and have the voice you have developed. I'm going to be 43 in about a week and a half and I'll only just be starting HRT. I'll likely be 50 before I can even think about having SRS, but I know life is better now that I am taking charge and doing these things for myself. You've been one of the people who has inspired me to keep going. I hope that helps you

[michelle82]

Carrie,

Here are a Couple of ideas...

1. Where do you live? Maybe you should look at attempting to get your SRS covered by insurance? HHS is in the process of federally ruling that all insurance payors must cover this. Then you could use that money for FFS, and Breast Augmentation?

2. Fix your financial situation.. Maybe look into furthering your education, to get a better job? Or work two jobs to save more money? It doesn't sound like you are married or have kids, so that should help with saving money!

There is always a solution, it may require some hard hard work, and it might not happen over-night, but most of your goals are achievable! Self acceptance is important too, especially for the things you really CANT change. I'm not quite sure i've figured that one out yet though But i'm working towards the "fixable" things for now!

[Carrie Liz]

Carrie,

Here are a Couple of ideas...

1. Where do you live? Maybe you should look at attempting to get your SRS covered by insurance? HHS is in the process of federally ruling that all insurance payors must cover this. Then you could use that money for FFS, and Breast Augmentation?

2. Fix your financial situation.. Maybe look into furthering your education, to get a better job? Or work two jobs to save more money? It doesn't sound like you are married or have kids, so that should help with saving money!

There is always a solution, it may require some hard hard work, and it might not happen over-night, but most of your goals are achievable! Self acceptance is important too, especially for the things you really CANT change. I'm not quite sure i've figured that one out yet though But i'm working towards the "fixable" things for now!

1. I live in Ohio. Any insurance reform here is probably going to be a long time coming. Plus, even back when I was on an SRS-inclusive plan with Cigna, it still would have cost me $5000 out-of-pocket to get it. Considering that SRS in Thailand is only around $9000, and in my opinion uses a vastly-superior technique in terms of sensation and aethetics, I really don't think the small difference in price is worth it. I'd rather just do it and get it out of the way rather than waiting for god-knows-how-long for the government here to fix their backwards double standards on trans healthcare, and ultimately end up using a surgical technique that's not what I really want, just to save $4000.

2. Therein lies the conundrum. Is it worth the extra effort? School costs money, so that would only set me back even further, which defeats the purpose. And if I'm being honest, one of the things that really bothers me about saving up for surgery is basically that it consumes my ENTIRE income, my ENTIRE "go live life" budget. I don't have a pet because I'm saving money, I'm not taking vacations or buying things that could make me happy because I'm saving money... I just really don't want to spend another 3 years like this having to pinch every penny, work every possible hour, just to get this over faster. And considering that realistically any part-time job is maybe going to pay $10/hour at the most, that really doesn't help me all that much proportionally considering that my main job is $25/hour. (I'm really just waiting to move up to full-time at this main job, which is maybe 2 years or so off.) Taking a 2nd job would maybe reduce the amount of time it takes to get everything over with by a yearish, which I really don't feel like it's worth it. I'd much rather find some way to not let these things bother me so much rather than sacrificing even more of the prime of my life, a time when I should be going after my actual life goals, just to fix them faster.

That's what kills me, is that this isn't life. Life is going out and achieving your dreams, accomplishing the things you've always wanted to accomplish, not sacrificing all of your resources and your entire livelihood just to hate your body a little bit less.

[iKate]

1. I live in Ohio. Any insurance reform here is probably going to be a long time coming. Plus, even back when I was on an SRS-inclusive plan with Cigna, it still would have cost me $5000 out-of-pocket to get it. Considering that SRS in Thailand is only around $9000, and in my opinion uses a vastly-superior technique in terms of sensation and aethetics, I really don't think the small difference in price is worth it. I'd rather just do it and get it out of the way rather than waiting for god-knows-how-long for the government here to fix their backwards double standards on trans healthcare, and ultimately end up using a surgical technique that's not what I really want, just to save $4000.

2. Therein lies the conundrum. Is it worth the extra effort? School costs money, so that would only set me back even further, which defeats the purpose. And if I'm being honest, one of the things that really bothers me about saving up for surgery is basically that it consumes my ENTIRE income, my ENTIRE "go live life" budget. I don't have a pet because I'm saving money, I'm not taking vacations or buying things that could make me happy because I'm saving money... I just really don't want to spend another 3 years like this having to pinch every penny, work every possible hour, just to get this over faster. And considering that realistically any part-time job is maybe going to pay $10/hour at the most, that really doesn't help me all that much proportionally considering that my main job is $25/hour. (I'm really just waiting to move up to full-time at this main job, which is maybe 2 years or so off.) Taking a 2nd job would maybe reduce the amount of time it takes to get everything over with by a yearish, which I really don't feel like it's worth it. I'd much rather find some way to not let these things bother me so much rather than sacrificing even more of the prime of my life, a time when I should be going after my actual life goals, just to fix them faster.

That's what kills me, is that this isn't life. Life is going out and achieving your dreams, accomplishing the things you've always wanted to accomplish, not sacrificing all of your resources and your entire livelihood just to hate your body a little bit less.

The money situation is adult life. I have almost no money to spend because I have to pay for child care and school. So it's not just something that Trans people face paying for surgery. Money will find a way to fly out of your pockets.